don't get attached

ph: weheartit + weheartit

all the time i will love you

ph: brandon scott photography + loveletterbook

a mutual addiction

ph: weheartit + Chuck Palahniuk quote

wonderful things can end

ph: weheartit

i have been working the same retail job for four years, and nothing exciting like this has ever happened. i met him on july 9, 2011. i was working my usual shift, helping no one and wasting my time away folding clothes when the most handsome guy walked through my store doors. he said he really needed help, that he was going to a wedding in an hour (ohh men) and he didn't have anything to wear. i graciously said i would offer help to this adorable guy, helping him choose a shirt and tie for his formal affair. throughout the process, we shamelessly flirted and exchanged simple bits of information with each other. he got my name and i got his. i then steamed his shirt, he paid and left. never asking me for my number, i felt silly and confused at the same time. what did i possibly do wrong? we hit it off so insanely well! nonetheless, i got on with my life and came back the following day for another long shift of folding clothes. this time, i was situated in the back room, counting and tagging merchandise, without exposure to the outside world. all of a sudden one of the girls that works with me came back and said, 'hey, your friend is here to talk to you'. now, i have no friends that stop by my place of work out of the blue, so with a puzzled mind i asked her who it was. she replied that it was the guy that came in yesterday looking for the shirt and tie. my heart stopped, my face grew red and before i knew it i was slinking out onto the sales floor after my prince charming. 'so, i'm assuming you have a boyfriend' that's the first line that came out of his mouth when i greeted him. i quickly replied no, and with a shocked face he preceded to tell me how he felt so stupid for leaving without asking for my number, and thought about me the entire time at this wedding. feeling like a thousand butterflies were fluttering about my stomach, he asked to take me to dinner, and i excitedly gave my number and told him i would love that. it was love at first sight, and i was convinced i found the one.

from here on out, things grew beautifully between us. he called me immediately and asked me to dinner. took me to the most adorable tuscan restaurant, and texted me as soon as i got to my car telling me he had the best time and couldn't wait to do this again. i know it sounds crazy, but after that first date i was head over heels, madly in love with a stranger. he was my soulmate, and i had been searching for him for so long.

within the next month, we had a great time. laughed, kissed, grew to knew each other and our families. everything seemed to be too good to be true. and with that being said, it was. things between him and i moved so quickly it was kind of unreal. within two months, things started to go downhill really fast. he wouldn't commit. he begged me to meet his parents, invited me to a wedding that was two months away, and told me that i was the one he wanted to marry. he said i was so different and so perfect, he cannot believe how lucky he was to find me. but, with all this being said, he did not want me as his girlfriend.

i shrugged it off a couple of weeks, but it soon began to eat me away inside. what was wrong with me? why didn't he want me? what was I doing wrong? i became obsessed with trying to figure out what the issue was, and with him being two years younger than i, and a junior in college, i figured it was just his immature age. he kept telling me things just went too fast, and he needed time to think about what he wanted. i let him give me this excuse for a couple of weeks, and then after two and a half months, and countless tears later, i called it quits. here i was, completely in love, with someone who told me he wanted me forever as his wife, and he didn't want me.

sometimes things work out, and sometimes they don't. maybe his and my timing was just off. because i know what we had was unreal. now, i am just happy to have experienced such a feeling of admiration and love....what i learned was that..wonderful things can end, even quicker than they began.

i will if you will

ph: acessorestrito + weheartit

if you're a bird

ph: weheartit

so i never have to live without you

ph: Samhäll

i'm not afraid to lead with my heart

ph: yokolorin

I don't remember the exact moment when I went from liking you, to loving you. I don't even think it was while we were still dating. I think it was after, after we'd been apart.

I think not dating while so many miles apart has advanced our relationship more than we ever expected, and the fact that it has without our pushing for it- is inspiring.

(I pushed, secretly, I kept pushing for it).

But I do remember when I went from loving you, to that ridiculous, head over heels, heart physically aches, what so many artists sing about, writers scribble about, kind of love. The kind of love that makes me cry and want to watch The Notebook or listen to I Swear by Boys 2 Men over and over and over. I remember, because it was a week ago.

And quite frankly, it shocked me. There was this energy, running through my whole body, that just made me want you, all of you. I couldn't deny it, or hide from it. I let it wash over me. I missed you, and you were about five feet from me.

But with it, came the greatest fear I've ever known.

I know you love me, but I know you haven't made it to that place- that kind of love, yet.

I'm afraid you won't. I'm afraid your too concerned with not doing the wrong things, that you will end up missing the chance to do the right things. I'm afraid you are waiting for a sign that isn't going to come. I'm afraid you won't ever take a chance on me.

For me, this is easy. I'm not afraid to lead with my heart. I'm not afraid to show my emotions, to be honest, to be vulnerable. True love deserves that.

This is a risk. I want to take it with you. I just wish you'd want to take it with me.


It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does?
-Peter McWilliams

---

ps- don't forget to enter the JEWELMINT xo ring givaway >> check it out HERE!
i will be announcing a winner this week!
xo

looking ahead

ph: weheartit

It’s amazing what I put the one I love through.

Honestly.

I’m so sorry, sweetheart.

I’m fine, and all of a sudden my insecurities are touched, and C the Bitch comes out to play.

And I know I’m not the first to realize that getting so near-and-dear in a relationship suddenly brings out the worst in you. Is it really the worst? Or is it that your significant other suddenly has access to your greatest hopes and fears? Oh, how often you’re split! How you throw your shoulders back, taking poised steps, oozing with appeal, and in the same day sob into your pillow and hold your middle and scorn your belly fat, completely itching to be outside of your own skin.

Now, you’ve slowly given over to letting that person in, letting him in, letting him in, ‘til all in one instant you realize he has access to your very tender heart. The inner workings of your brain are now laid open for him to dissect. And strangely, he is still there. Through all your tumultuous mood swings and honest-to-god shit.

And then you wonder (maybe YOU don’t, ye reader, but I sure do…) when the day will come that he will discover something that he actually can’t handle. Maybe the way you, American girl, twirl your pasta around your fork (instead of poshly and precisely twisting it into a spoon) will finally push him over the edge of insanity. Maybe one day the cute accent in which you pronounce the not-quite-yet familiar German vocabulary will no longer be as adorable as he thinks it is now.

Maybe one day he’ll realize that all the things from your past are always, always going to be there. Maybe not in the room, sitting haughtily on your couch and laughing as you try to have a genuine and fresh conversation. Maybe not in the field overlooking the city sunset as you whisper sweet things. But sometimes they come walking around the corner when you least expect them. Sometimes they turn up in familiar old smells and sporadic old songs and childhood rooms. And then, lady. Then you are done for. They never call and warn you of their short and slicing visit. You´ll bleed and bleed for days. Sooo slowly, that scab forms. And they laugh bitterly, those songs and smells and rooms, because they know there is nothing you can do about the surprise damage to your person. You don´t want to have to always be prepared for the storm.

And I forgot, until a few days ago, how being in a relationship means one is now responsible for how her actions and emotional release of inhibition so directly affect the mien of her companion.

I don’t like to be this way.

I’m not the vulnerable type, though I feign it quite easily. I’m open, very open! But only to a certain extent, that I can control. Love is letting go of that control and jumping off that cliff without a parachute. It’s a beautiful and terribly scary thing. He can’t promise never to hurt me. He’s human. He can’t promise never to leave~ one day, someday, maybe sooner but hopefully later, death will take both of us. He can’t promise me security and stability, though we both have dreams of what this life could be. He can promise me tomorrow as much as I can promise never to get in a car accident. Oh, but I want him here with me forever…

Why do I feel like, I am too happy? That the only reason I am happy is because it isn’t going to last?

I asked you that, the other day…and you said “shh, shhh, mein Sonnenschein. I’m looking ahead and all I know is that there’s you and me, and it’s bright and beautiful.”

Life with you will be far too short.

~C

friends with benefits

ph: StevanFane

There you go. You're in my head. I can't get you out, you're in there eating away at all my thoughts, clouding my judgements, just taking over everything. My imagination is running wild, we already had numerous dates in my head and plenty of conversations. You've already told me how beautiful you think I am and we had our first fight. I met your friends and they think I'm great. You let me beat you in your favorite video game and you saw me cry during a sad movie. You held my hand and pulled me in for a sweet kiss.

Then I bring myself back to earth and realize its just in my head. And when I wake up in your bed I know its time to go home because there's nothing there that's holding me back. The moments pleasure is gone. I give you a light kiss goodbye and spend the rest of my day thinking about you and how it could be.

thank you for us.

ph: favim

somewhere someone is looking at their love and saying thank you.

they're looking at them, their face. that familiar face that their lips know as well as their eyes know. every highlight and shadow that make up that gorgeous structure.

the scruff and the little nook where their nose turns into their cheek. the cheek that they kiss once before they kiss the other.

they're looking at them and saying it with each kiss. they're saying it with each glance into those kind, mischievous, understanding eyes.

they say thank you when their fingers touch and their palms interconnect with each other like pieces of a puzzle.

they say it when they wake up to an arm and a body wrapping its warmth around their arm and their body.

when they fight and yell and slam doors and then look at each other, short of breath with tired eyes of forgiveness and smile wearily.

they say it through a shrug of the shoulders. a raised eyebrow. a laugh. a scrunched nose.

thank you. they say.

thank you for being mine. for not being an asshole. for letting me in. for wanting me as much as i want you. for needing me as i need you.

thank you for you. and for me. and for you and me being here, together.

for us. thank you for us.

owl love you always ♥

ph: chez-sucre-chez via darling dexter

i might just lose you

ph: weheartit

I’m not even really sure how it happened. I’d had plenty of boyfriends before; so many that my friends always told me I was incapable of being alone. It wasn’t that I was addicted to love, it was just that I’d get in too deep to back out. Looking back, I only truly loved one of those boys, and the rest are a blur. I don’t think you’ll ever be part of that blur.

At first, it seemed to start like every other relationship I had. Our friends got involved, saying how great we’d be together. Sure, I was attracted to you, how could I not be? But you seemed arrogant, cocky, too sure of yourself. There didn’t seem to be enough room in your life for your ego and me. But I kissed you anyway.

It wasn’t the can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of kiss one would expect from the boy they were soon to fall in love with. It was a good kiss. It kept me interested. So we kept going: hanging out on the field for most of those September nights, spreading out a blanket on the grass and looking at the stars, laughing as we became familiar with each other. I guess neither of us ever thought it would evolve the way it did. The sense of carelessness just added to the momentum; I fell for you so hard.

It’s ironic now, that you were the one who wanted to label us as an official couple first. I was soon going to learn how scared a serious relationship made you. You couldn’t deal with your emotions, you couldn’t let anyone in. The tough shell you built around yourself challenged me. I knew there was a sensitive boy behind those walls and I was determined to find him and, eventually, to love him.

The fights started coming in higher doses, until I decided I was done with the hurt. You couldn’t admit to yourself that you cared and I couldn’t tell you something you didn’t know yourself. I left for two months, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. When you sent me that message, saying I was right and you had made a terrible mistake and needed me back, that was the first time I ever cried over you. I’d never cried over a boy before. I’d never been hurt like I had been with you. I had never had a real pain in my stomach because I missed anyone as much as I missed you.

When we finally got back together, we held back, so much so that it didn’t seem like we were to last. Summer was coming and we were scared. What was the point in falling if I was just going to have to pick up the pieces again? But you realized you had been wrong all along. We started spending more and more time together, and as spring came, our relationship bloomed like I could have never predicted.

Summer came, but we got through it together. Traveling to see each other every weekend left such a strong sense of emptiness each time we were apart that the anticipation of seeing you again just fueled our love even further. I suddenly felt closer to you than I had ever felt. I could be weird and crazy and dramatic and ditzy and serious and pensive and you wouldn’t even blink an eye. You accepted me for whatever I chose to be, and the comfort I felt around you will never be matched. I’m going to miss snuggling and just being in your arms; trying to force you to watch Dear John and making fun of you when you cave; the tiny patch of purple zigzags on your back; your blue eyes standing out when you wear the Patagonia I gave you for Christmas; the genuine giggle you let out when I tickle your collarbone; the maturity and confidence I see when you’re talking to daddy; your jokes about being middle-aged with me and not being scared when I told you that crazy psychic said we were soul-mates; how you tell me everything’s okay, even when it so clearly isn’t.

Because you’re going away to school and I might just lose you this time.

Al.

i'd give anything to bring it back

ph: weheartit

I spent a good fifteen minutes just staring at the blank, white empty email awaiting my love story. Or not so love story. I wish I knew what i wanted to say, and it's not even that I have nothing to say, it's just my head is currently such a busy, crowded street with feelings and emotions bouncing off of each other.

I don't know what happened to us. It's like being in a car, driving down hill, and having the breaks go out. You just want it to stop, you want everything to be okay, you want to make it out alive but with the way things are going, it just doesn't seem like such a hopeful situation. But at this point it doesn't even matter because truthfully, I already feel dead. If my heart is still beating, i can't feel it anymore.

We started like any typical couple, except maybe we were jaded from the start. You were twenty one with a good heart, a contagious laugh, a huge fear of relationships, having never even come close to having one. I was healing with little to no hope in love, but you opened me back up and helped pick up the pieces. You were new and sweet and naive and just wonderful. I fell so in love with you, so easily. Your smile helped with that. I had never seen such a beautiful smile, and when you smiled my whole world just lit up. I miss that smile, I haven't seen it in quite some time now. We were just perfect together. We made people jealous and probably sick to their stomach with how cute we were. I miss us, I miss us so much.

But somehow, at some point, everything just started to fall apart. And now those old memories are like walking past your old home where happy thoughts and love used to dwell, and now it's just an old abandoned house with weeds and broken windows and an empty, hollow, sad inside. It absolutely started the day I had to go away to school. Distance kills love. I truly believe that. And especially with us just starting out. We had a month to hold on to each other before I had to be away from you, and i warned you that this would be hard, that it would ruin us, but we blindly took that leap together, ignoring every warning sign. We tried. We tried so hard but come May, things were so bad, and my homecoming- which we thought would save us- just broke us down even further. The insecurities and exhaustion from the distance carried over, the little fights began, then you started to give up ever so slowly. You started to emotionally pull yourself out of the relationship until I was basically alone. I felt like I was in love with a ghost. That beautiful, bright smile was so dim now.

I guess it just became too much for you. This being your first relationship, you had no idea how to handle the rough patches. You truly believed that relationships should always be perfect and that if problems exist, the relationship isn't right. You are a complete idiot to believe that, i hope you know. From then on you just turned cold, and angry, and void. You hated communication and the second I wanted to open up about my feelings, you would just shut down and ignore me or just yell at me. I think that is what holds us back so much. You need communication in a relationship and without it, you'll go nowhere. I felt dissatisfied and hopeless and foolish. I just wanted a sign from you, anything, a kiss, a touch, flowers, a text message- ANYTHING to show me that you still cared, that you still wanted this. I wanted you to fight for me instead of with me. But you can't make someone love you, you can't make someone fight for you. I'm not perfect, I had my flaws, but i never gave up.

And then I came home one night to flowers on my doorstep and a beautiful note. You told me you loved me and that you'd love me through any situation, that we'd work through this and "let's make this count." I still hold on to that note, i still read it every day because for a second I saw the boy I had fallen so deeply in love with. Just for a second though. It wasn't much longer after that you wanted space, and then you started saying you were confused, and then you wanted to leave. We sat outside on your porch, the rain falling down just for us, and you cried and cried and cried. I'll never understand how someone can leave someone, but be sad about it. If it hurts you to leave someone, why can't you just stay and put effort in the relationship? I don't understand it, probably because I've never been one to give up on love no matter how many times love wants to give up on me. I just can't. Once you have my heart, you have my heart and I'd do anything to keep that heart with you.

We've been together a year now. We agreed to keep trying, but it's been the same story ever since. You're still confused, you still want space, and my heart still doesn't want to let go. You keep trying to give up, but only because for you it's easier than working on something. I'm so sick of putting my heart fully into something just to be disappointed all the time. I think disappointment is one of the most painful emotions to deal with. I wish I meant more, I used to mean more. I wish I was worth something. All I've ever known is people leaving and i never wanted you to fall in that category. You're not even the same boy anymore. You're even starting to look different to me. I just wish I had the strength to walk away. I wish I could just give up on you, like you give up on me...on us. But no matter how many times you tell me you can't do this anymore, I end up back on your doorstep, fighting my ass off for you, trying to convince you that this will get better, that we can make it, because i have hope and sometimes that's all you really need. Call me crazy, or pathetic, or stupid... I am all of the above, but i can't let go, I just can't.

I have this stupid image of us in my head, hand in hand, looking back at this time and laughing it off like a bad dream. I just want everything to be okay, I just want us to work out, I just want you.

By the time this story gets published, I'm sure you'll have left me again, but I hope not. I hope just this once love is enough. I'd give anything to bring it back to the way it was in the beginning. Can that even happen? Is it possible for a relationship to hit such a low point and end up better than before? Probably not. And if it were possible, it'd probably require both individuals to want it enough and with your constant giving up, hope is paper thin.

I don't even want my heart anymore, you can just take it and run.

i thought you were perfect.

ph: weheartit

It was a Wednesday night the first time we kissed. The nightclub was buzzing with people and music and I could taste the alcohol between our mouths. Warmth flowed through me as your soft lips pressed onto mine. I remembered your kiss still lingered on my lips as I left the club, and I could smell your sweet perfume all over my face. I never expected to hear from you again, but I did.

Two months later you asked me to be your girlfriend. No words could describe how happy I was right at that moment, I had been waiting for weeks for you to finally be mine.

I even remembered the first time you said you loved me. We were at a festival, the sun had gone down and I began to feel the chill of the night so we ran into a tent. The tent was filled with people entranced by the music as it blared through the speakers, it was so loud you could feel each beat vibrating through your body. You were so happy. Your fingers would intertwine into mine. Your hand would fall perfectly on my back as you would pull me closer for a kiss. I could smell your sweat laced with your deodorant wafting from your white singlet. “I love you” you yelled through the thumping of the music. I was so happy.

As each day passed, I fell more in love with you. I loved you so effortlessly.

We did everything together. Our lives meshed together perfectly.

Sundays would be my favourite day, we would wake up late, stay in bed, watch movies all day, and then grab take out for dinner. Even though we did absolutely nothing, Sundays were my favourite because I got to do absolutely nothing with you.

You were the first person that I felt knew me better than I knew myself.

I remembered the night I found out I was pregnant. As the two lines formed on the pregnancy test tears welled up in my eyes and I collapsed to the floor. We were only 19. How could we possibly look after a child? I called you and told you I had to see you. I picked you up in my beaten up car, and as soon as you asked me what was wrong I bursted into tears. You handled it so well. I could tell you weren’t scared at all, not like me. When I decided that I couldn’t keep it, I saw for only a second, a flash of sadness in your eyes. It killed me. I would have loved for you to be that father of my child, to start a family and a future with you, but at this age, I just wasn’t ready, and neither were you. You were there for me the whole time, you were so strong.

I thought you were perfect. But I was wrong.

I was staring out of my window into the hauntingly dark night when I got the call. At first I couldn’t believe it, I refused to believe it. There was no way it could be possibly true. There was no way this one little sentence could tear down my whole life, and shatter my entire heart. I couldn’t breathe.

“He has been sleeping with another girl.”

7 words. All it took was 7 words to make me crumble into pieces of nothing. My fingers were shaking as I dialled your number and waited for your charming voice to greet me with a hello. I asked you, and you denied. You said it was all lies. I said I believed you. But I didn’t.

That night I laid in bed staring at nothing but complete darkness. I could hear my mind ticking over at all the possible ifs and buts and whys. I needed you more than ever, but I resented the idea of being with you. I had to speak to her. The other girl. The girl who has looked up into those blue eyes that I adore and has kissed the lips I always crave to kiss.

She told me everything. She told me how you met her through one of your friends. She told me how it was a bright, summer’s day and how you both swam in the beach and then made love afterwards. With every word she spoke, I felt my soul burning into pieces of ashes. Apart of me wanted to curl my fingers into her tacky brown hair extensions and tear them apart, just like her words were tearing my heart, but another part just wanted to run away from this nightmare.

I remembered I was shaking so much that I could feel my knees about to buckle as I headed to your door. You greeted me with your usual charming smile. As I stood there staring into your gleaming blue eyes, tears began to form. My heart caved in. I blurted out the conversation I had with this girl. And you still denied. You told me she was lying. You were so convincing. I wanted so much to believe you. I had to believe you.

You held me so tight that I could smell the soap on your skin. You kissed me and told me you loved me. I could see the fear and the love in those beautiful round eyes. I had to believe you.

I woke up with my face nuzzled into your chest. I felt the warmth of your breath flowing down my face. I could hear the slow, rhythmic thumps of your heart on your chest. For a moment, it felt so perfect once again.

That morning was the last time I saw you. After you kissed me and left for work, I made the bed, packed my things, and left.

To this day I still don’t know what to believe, and I still don’t know if I made the right decision. There is a part of me that hopes one day you will find me again, and that you will never let me go.

I still love you so much.

SE.

15 ways to keep a relationship working

ph: stressed chocolate

thoughts?

doubts

ph: tamedblossom


love can be so complicated, and i wrote this letter with need of advice from a loving friend across the sea in the city of love, paris. not only does she understand my relationship because she helped introduce me and my boyfriend, but she is my best friend and waited six years for the man she loved to love her back.

so, several times we have both discussed what its like knowing the person you are going to marry, with your knowledge unwavering, and mine much more unsure. regardless, i have been pushing through this long distance relationship, because crying to myself about how much i miss chris makes me realize how important he is to me and how much i love him. however, not a
day goes by that i don't think about the possibility that i am "wasting" time on him, because technically we can't be together till he goes to grad school/i graduate aka two years from now. and i wonder if he is the person i am going to marry, because if so, then all this pain is worth it and i know god has a plan for this. i won't deny the fact that being long distance has taught me things about him that i never knew seeing him daily, and its forced us to use words more than ever before. but i also can't deny the pain, the annoyance when i see other couples together, and my doubts which only just worsened now and caused me to write this all out.

so today, i was talking about marriage at kirsten's house with her and larry. and she asked me about what chris always says if it ever comes up, and truth be told, he always says "ew" when his friends get married at young ages. ok, yes he's a boy who hasn't walked around dreaming of the
perfect wedding dress and the playlist to dance the magical night away ending with flying lanterns like in tangled, (ok that's me) buttt i mean i know he's a family guy. so tonight when we were skyping i asked him how old he thinks he will be when he gets married. and he said "i don't know, it depends on the situation", and i said that i expect myself to be young. as we talked about this he said that getting married would stop him from doing things he wanted to, and so naturally i wanted to know what these things were and he said going to grad school. now this just sent me for a loop because i always envisioned our engagement beginning after i graduate and
ending shortly after ( i hate long engagements as you know). i don't even know what to think now, i was like why can't you be married during graduate school, and he said that 80% or some number similar of marriages end during law school and he never would want to be a part of that. ok that's nice that he thinks ahead - but this puts me out three additional years...

most people would respond with, so what if you know then its worth the wait. but that's five-six years from now. thats a lifetime away, and who is to say that we'll even be the same people then. and i know its dumb for me to sit here planning my life away but i can't help it. life is too short to
be anything but happy and with the person you love. so i guess i'm just asking for your thoughts on this subject, if being faithful through the pain is going to be worth it in your opinion. it was weird cause i prayed about it in church the other day, and that was my answer - faithful through
the easy and hard times. but the thing is, as clear as that answer was, i still question this future plan. shouldn't i already know if he is "the one"? i feel as though you should just know, and frankly i can see myself married to him, but i also have doubts. and i always say that anything less than a yes is a no.

love across the atlantic.

i'm yours

ph: weheartit + weheartit

i don't know what to think anymore.

ph: weheartit

i have 66 le love images saved, and too many stories to count. they all remind me of him. the good and the bad. the thoughts that go through my mind all day everyday are written in those little pictures. i love him more than anything, but my insecurities have made me have to convince myself that he loves me. i am always questioning it. even when he says it, he doesn't say it enough. then you wonder, well what if my insecurities are right. what if he really doesn't love me. so you get even more insecure. but maybe the insecurities are caused because i have always been 100% he has always been 50. maybe its because i have sacrificed relationships with family and friends trying to protect and defend our relationship when he doesn't even want one in the first place. in the beginning of our relationship he was perfect, almost a year later and it has disintegrated into "we are together without the title," i don't want to be tied down," "relationships have obligations and responsibilities and i don't want that" and most of all, "can we talk about this later?" throughout the secrets and the lies, i have ignored it all just to be with him. i kept my ignorance so i could pretend everything was perfect and he wasn't lying to me.

right now he has been going to these christian conferences. he called me and said that he has changed so much already and that he loves me but he wants to "renew our love" he wants to forget about the past because he has been manipulating me and hurting me without me even knowing it. but i have known it. i have had that feeling but i chose not to listen to it. he hung up. leaving me with 3 days of making up what his lies could be in my head. having imaginary conversations with him about how it might play out and thinking that maybe he has been cheating, maybe he has been doing the drugs he knows i hate. and he is going to stare me in the eyes and tell me that he has changed and lets forget the past. he is going to expect me to believe him. he comes home from these conferences in 2 days and i don't know what to think anymore.

do you forgive almost a year of lies in hopes of a trustworthy future with the one you love? or do you give up the insecurities you know will follow because you think he is going to do it all over again...

is it possible

ph: weheartit

let's skip the charades
you're seeing right through me anyway
can we just speak plain
we're playing for the same team

I never knew I could fall so hard for my best friend. We both knew it could potentially ruin our friendship but we still gave in to the explosive need to be with each other. For a long time we basked in our own fantasy land of sneaking around our other friends and making sure no one knew what was really going on behind the closed doors. It was exciting, addicting and nothing has ever felt so right. You said things to me that I wish I knew earlier, we became closer than we've ever been. But then the summer before our senior year in college came around and I was glass half full of possibilities for our future together and also glass half empty of losing everything we built together the last 3 months. I knew with the time apart, you would have time to hit realization that not only you have been with you best friend but also someone of your own sex, that I might lose you to the social stigmas I always wanted to protect you from. Is it possible that we can be each others one and only both as a best friend and a lover? Is it possible that you may also have feelings for me but are too scared to express them? I am not willing to lose our friendship over this risk of love, but I know if we take the risk together we can work through anything and have both through each other. We just need to talk, communicate like we always have...but I haven't heard from you in a few weeks. This never ending battle in my head tells me to reach out to you but also combating is the idea that I will push you away with my persistence.

For you I’d just be there. Someone to talk to, share things with, confide in…someone to ask you how your day was and you’d be comfortable enough to share, without fear of ridicule or disinterest. Someone to cuddle with and share intimate moments with, someone you will always feel safe with. We can play together, laugh together, and cry together. Know when you want to be alone and when you want someone to hold you close. Understand your limits and know where to draw the line. Know your friends and accept them all as my friends. I would trust you and be trustworthy enough for you. You will have no fears with me, live dangerously and make everyday an adventure. Live life and love it, have no regrets. Be alone and never be lonely. Passion kindness, honesty, happiness, sincerity and respect will be everyday words. Hatred, sadness, contempt and hypocrisy will never come about. A million people in the world and I only have eyes for you. Wear your emotions on your sleeves and I will care for them as my own. Give me a smile and I will give you my whole. Be there for me and I’ll be there for you a thousand times over.