Friday, August 12, 2011

i'd give anything to bring it back

i'd give anything to bring you back love photo love image, http://weheartit.com/entry/7697489/via/princessaria
ph: weheartit

I spent a good fifteen minutes just staring at the blank, white empty email awaiting my love story. Or not so love story. I wish I knew what i wanted to say, and it's not even that I have nothing to say, it's just my head is currently such a busy, crowded street with feelings and emotions bouncing off of each other.

I don't know what happened to us. It's like being in a car, driving down hill, and having the breaks go out. You just want it to stop, you want everything to be okay, you want to make it out alive but with the way things are going, it just doesn't seem like such a hopeful situation. But at this point it doesn't even matter because truthfully, I already feel dead. If my heart is still beating, i can't feel it anymore.

We started like any typical couple, except maybe we were jaded from the start. You were twenty one with a good heart, a contagious laugh, a huge fear of relationships, having never even come close to having one. I was healing with little to no hope in love, but you opened me back up and helped pick up the pieces. You were new and sweet and naive and just wonderful. I fell so in love with you, so easily. Your smile helped with that. I had never seen such a beautiful smile, and when you smiled my whole world just lit up. I miss that smile, I haven't seen it in quite some time now. We were just perfect together. We made people jealous and probably sick to their stomach with how cute we were. I miss us, I miss us so much.

But somehow, at some point, everything just started to fall apart. And now those old memories are like walking past your old home where happy thoughts and love used to dwell, and now it's just an old abandoned house with weeds and broken windows and an empty, hollow, sad inside. It absolutely started the day I had to go away to school. Distance kills love. I truly believe that. And especially with us just starting out. We had a month to hold on to each other before I had to be away from you, and i warned you that this would be hard, that it would ruin us, but we blindly took that leap together, ignoring every warning sign. We tried. We tried so hard but come May, things were so bad, and my homecoming- which we thought would save us- just broke us down even further. The insecurities and exhaustion from the distance carried over, the little fights began, then you started to give up ever so slowly. You started to emotionally pull yourself out of the relationship until I was basically alone. I felt like I was in love with a ghost. That beautiful, bright smile was so dim now.

I guess it just became too much for you. This being your first relationship, you had no idea how to handle the rough patches. You truly believed that relationships should always be perfect and that if problems exist, the relationship isn't right. You are a complete idiot to believe that, i hope you know. From then on you just turned cold, and angry, and void. You hated communication and the second I wanted to open up about my feelings, you would just shut down and ignore me or just yell at me. I think that is what holds us back so much. You need communication in a relationship and without it, you'll go nowhere. I felt dissatisfied and hopeless and foolish. I just wanted a sign from you, anything, a kiss, a touch, flowers, a text message- ANYTHING to show me that you still cared, that you still wanted this. I wanted you to fight for me instead of with me. But you can't make someone love you, you can't make someone fight for you. I'm not perfect, I had my flaws, but i never gave up.

And then I came home one night to flowers on my doorstep and a beautiful note. You told me you loved me and that you'd love me through any situation, that we'd work through this and "let's make this count." I still hold on to that note, i still read it every day because for a second I saw the boy I had fallen so deeply in love with. Just for a second though. It wasn't much longer after that you wanted space, and then you started saying you were confused, and then you wanted to leave. We sat outside on your porch, the rain falling down just for us, and you cried and cried and cried. I'll never understand how someone can leave someone, but be sad about it. If it hurts you to leave someone, why can't you just stay and put effort in the relationship? I don't understand it, probably because I've never been one to give up on love no matter how many times love wants to give up on me. I just can't. Once you have my heart, you have my heart and I'd do anything to keep that heart with you.

We've been together a year now. We agreed to keep trying, but it's been the same story ever since. You're still confused, you still want space, and my heart still doesn't want to let go. You keep trying to give up, but only because for you it's easier than working on something. I'm so sick of putting my heart fully into something just to be disappointed all the time. I think disappointment is one of the most painful emotions to deal with. I wish I meant more, I used to mean more. I wish I was worth something. All I've ever known is people leaving and i never wanted you to fall in that category. You're not even the same boy anymore. You're even starting to look different to me. I just wish I had the strength to walk away. I wish I could just give up on you, like you give up on me...on us. But no matter how many times you tell me you can't do this anymore, I end up back on your doorstep, fighting my ass off for you, trying to convince you that this will get better, that we can make it, because i have hope and sometimes that's all you really need. Call me crazy, or pathetic, or stupid... I am all of the above, but i can't let go, I just can't.

I have this stupid image of us in my head, hand in hand, looking back at this time and laughing it off like a bad dream. I just want everything to be okay, I just want us to work out, I just want you.

By the time this story gets published, I'm sure you'll have left me again, but I hope not. I hope just this once love is enough. I'd give anything to bring it back to the way it was in the beginning. Can that even happen? Is it possible for a relationship to hit such a low point and end up better than before? Probably not. And if it were possible, it'd probably require both individuals to want it enough and with your constant giving up, hope is paper thin.

I don't even want my heart anymore, you can just take it and run.

36 comments:

  1. I can understand how you feel, it's the same with me only that I'm the boy who's struggling and for her, it's easier to give up on us. She didn't fight for anyone or anything in her whole life she just ends up with "being fine" with it and trying to get over it, spends night crying about it but never ever shows that she has a weak side to anyone. I can't do it anymore either but I can't also give up on her.. maybe this is our curse and blessing we fight for the persons we love.. many people like these 2 can't do it and maybe someday they'll understadt that there aren't many people in ones life who do that for you, fight even when they are torn on the inside, hopeless but still worrying about the other and thus never giving up on that special someone. Maybe they will leave us, but i am sure that you are always in his heart.

    Just try to make the time you two have together the best you can, if it doesn't work out and you get devastated again and again.. think a bit for yourself and don't let this make you unhappy, because you have tried your best for a very long time and you can be proud about that.

    Fight every fight like you can win, but if you feel that fighting will not result in victory, then know when to stop or you'll lose yourself in it.

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  2. hmmm...what an incredible story

    Check out my blog for similar posts [:

    http://www.nicosnonsense.blogspot.com/

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  3. wow. i feel like this has been me so many times... never wanting to give up, always wanting to make it through, but feeling like the world is giving up on you while you fight to stay hopeful. thoughts&prayers go out to you.. you deserve someone great

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  4. Wow, this is soo beautifully written! I wish I could write this well. I feel for you and what your going through, Ive had a boyfriend like that. It hurts, i know. But my advice to you is to leave him before he leaves you. Then maybe he'll feel the way you are feeling right now, and if not then you know he's not "the one" for you. I know thats hard to understand or grasp onto now but the pain of keeping yourdelf in the relationship is far worse than the pain you'll only have to feel for a small period of time after the permanent breakup. I hope you fine someone who wants to try like you. You deserve it, everyone does. Good luck finding the right one.

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  5. I had tears in my eyes while reading this. Hope things will work out for you!

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  6. When we were young we really didn't understand what risks were, we just did things as we saw fit to do them. Sometimes as older individuals we need to take risks as we did when were young. Instead of the over analyzing and the procrastination sometimes we just have to look into our hearts, and "just do" things.Take risks, be happy, stay positive.
    goodluck! :)

    honeylovesandrew.blogspot.com

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  7. http://freeluckyeasy.blogspot.com/

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  8. i think you should give him that space he keeps asking for. leave him alone if he asks you to. if you really loved him and wanted him to be happy whether with or without you, you know deep in your heart you would do it. dont keep going back and fighting for him whenever he breaks up with you. sometimes a person just gives up and appears 'different' like he doesnt care anymore only because you dont give him the chance to show it. concentrate on yourself and do what makes you happy, be yourself again. whether distance or anything else, if he really loved you he will eventually learn to overcome it and fight for you again. you just need to let him do it. if he doesnt, that he isnt really so worth it is he :) and you would deserve so much better

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  9. Totally just put my thoughts and feelings on paper...this is me, and us. And it sucks, but I love him too much, and what we had is too vivid in my mind for me to let go.

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  10. Wow i like it very nice images.Keep it up.

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  11. guys function differently from girls.. my bf was like that the last time.. i couldnt understand why would he want to give up, why cant he try his best, i just dont have an answer..

    i tried so hard..for one year i tried to salvage our rs, and all i got was cold shoulder and empty replies.. i finally gave up.. i met someone else..

    but just when i stopped trying, he started to try again.. guys need to feel that he really lost you before he starts cherishing u..

    so trust me..give him up..stop trying.. if he really love u like u think he does, he'll come back after having time n space to think.. if he doesnt, no matter how hard u try, its never going to work..

    stop trying.. let him try..

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  12. I believe that you can let go, you just don't want to.

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  13. I am sobbing now after reading this. We are in an identical situation. I am in so in love with this boy but he keeps pushing me away. We have been together for almost 2 years and it just seems so hopeless now. He does anything to hurt me but has these random times of sentimentalety. I love him with my whole heart and I know he still loves me deep down. I keep trying to tell him that but he denies me constantly. I love him and I know I will marry him one day, its just the wait for him to turn around is too much. What can you do when one is confused but the other knows in their heart that its meant to be ? Its impossible to let go, you cant sleep, eat or think. Because you know the second you make way on recovery they creep back into your life. And what hurts the most is knowing that they will leave again. It will be a trainwreck and you cant stop it. Destiny is on your side and with time everything will fall into place. Thats what I keep telling myself. God bless.

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  14. Your story is very touching, and is very similar to my life right now, only I am the one that gave up on my love.

    I was with my boyfriend for 6 and a half years. There have been ups and downs, but our love for each over got us through anything.

    For the last 2 years, we dated long distance, with 300km between us. It was tough. We tried to visit as much as possible, but we each had very busy lives so we would only see each other every month or so.
    It was starting to take a toll on me, and I was getting tired of always changing my schedule so that it could fit his. I visited him much more than he visited me, and by the end of it, I was mentally exhausted for trying to make this work.

    Then he got into a school that's in a different country on the other side of the continent. My heart broke when I found out. If it has already been so hard for the last 2 years, how would we manage this?

    I thought about it for months. Should I keep working on our relationship while being constantly let down, or should I move on in an attempt to be happy? For a long time, I didn't have the courage or the strength to do anything.

    I truly loved him with my whole heart. I always imagined him to be at the end of the aisle at my wedding. I fought with everything I had to make this work, and it did for 6.5 years. But at some point, love is not enough. Love is not enough to save a relationship where it hurts more to be in it than out.

    Long distance is incredibly hard. I'm so sorry it had to be this way for you. I wish you all the best.

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  15. I hope you made him feel as loved and safe as he made you feel. I hope you missing the love you shared and not the love you think you should have from him.
    But most of all, I wish you Love

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  16. Sorry to say when a relationship has so many highs and lows, it's because it has some sort of fatal flaw that cannot be fixed long term without the assistance of lots of therapy, or at least one lobotomy! I learned that the hard way with my first brief marriage. It affected me so much, that it inspired my first book, Wedlocked: A Novel (by Bonnie Trachtenberg) But it's a romantic comedy that will cheer up people who find themselves in this position. I've come a long way since and moved on to a relationship that doesn't have those constant ups and downs. My stomach has finally settled and all I can tell you is it's a big relief!

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  17. You should give him space, lots of space. It took two months of completely not talking/seeing each other for my boyfriend to realize what he lost. Young men are immature and at first commitment can be a very scary thing, they don't want to put their hearts out on the line either. If after you separate he doesn't come back for you then it would never have worked out anyhow.

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  18. Giving him space might be an option, but not if you're going to go messing around with other guys while you're waiting for him to come back, miss.

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  19. Sometimes space is needed, but you can't hang your hopes out on the line for too long...

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  20. Me and my boyfriend went through a rough time for about a year. We tried and tried to resolve our problems as we got to know each other a little more, now we know our differences and love each other even more than we ever did before. As long as both of you fight for the relationship to work, it gets better than it had ever been.

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  21. Consider that a relationship might never have been healthy or meant to be if you must "both of you fight for the relationship to work" constantly. It sounds like you love the idea of this relationship more than the person the relationship is with.

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  22. I just went through the same back and forth girl. This is what I've learned.

    Unfortunately, love is not enough. It is never enough. And both of you are so young. After you've done everything to make it right in your power, what else could you have done?

    I know it seems impossible. But after all that time for a year, you have to move on. You don't deserve to be stuck waiting for him. You deserve better. Both of you are so young. There are so many other men out there and you will find it, someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be, someone who will go all out for love just like you. When the going gets tough, we all end up idealizing the one we long after.

    You're only hurting yourself. He is on a different page than you are, and you can't keep torturing yourself like this. Maybe he'll come around. But that's still a guessing game. For now, you need to walk out of the door. You can keep it open behind you, but you need to walk out on your own. Good luck. I'm still trying.

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  23. "Giving him space might be an option, but not if you're going to go messing around with other guys while you're waiting for him to come back, miss." - Anonymous and visa versa "her"

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  24. this is such an amazing post. i am moving away in about a week--and my boyfriend is already taking steps away from me. we've been through hell and back together, and i'm finally making a decision for me. and i agree that sometimes, love should be enough. i hope the best for you. thanks for your blog, it made me realize that i'm not crazy. we all have needs, and when you love someone, you make sacrifices. i honestly feel like i wrote this as i read it. best of luck to you.

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  25. I got watery eyed. How you described it in the beginning is exactly what mine was. What you just wrote is what I'm terrified of happening. I haven't seen my boyfriend in 5 months, distance breeds the worst habits. Remember to keep looking after yourself, because if he's not looking out for you, who is? Good luck.

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  26. It's always nice in the beginning. After a while, it gets boring. But if two people were meant to be, it won't described as boring. It'll be described as comfortable.

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  27. im just gonna say this is happening to me right now and i'm hurting so much. sor i know how it feels so good luck, my dear <3

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  28. when i'm reading your story.. i look at back of me..we have something in common in here. I'll never could forget him and still feel hurt in my heart. I don't know what have to do...he was breaking my heart. But i believe..someday us will be find something better in life..

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  29. I can relate to that at the start of my current relationship. We fought a lot and there was no honeymoon period for us at all. He wanted to give up so many times and I'm always in tears. I constantly fought for him to stay and I'm glad he did. We broke up once but 2 years on, we are happier than before. He finally knew what he wanted and we hardly fight anymore.

    Hope you will find someone who would stay and fight to keep this love with you.

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  30. Even if I am single, I'm still happy during valentines day. I spend it helping other people.

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  31. Thanks for posting this. It has given me comfort as I cry tonight. My boyfriend and I love each other. But he tells me tonight that he does not have the clarity that he wants to be with me forever. He sees me in his immediate future but not beyond that. And though I see how broken up he is about it because I do know he loves me, it just makes me think.. Sometimes even if you love the person it does not mean it is right for you. I love him and though my heart is breaking, tonight I am learning acceptance.. to let go when the time comes. We have not broken up yet.. But i feel it may just be a matter of time. Good luck to you. I hope your story ends better than mine.

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  32. I can't stop crying, I used to be him. By the time I realised he was the only thing I wanted, he was gone, and now he's literally on the other side of the world. Now I'm the one who's walking after him.

    I truly hope things work out for you.

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  33. Marriage is the relationship for life as you have to live for each other and pre-marriage therapy help you to prepare to let you able to do so.

    Orange County child therapist

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