Friday, August 12, 2011
i'd give anything to bring it back
I spent a good fifteen minutes just staring at the blank, white empty email awaiting my love story. Or not so love story. I wish I knew what i wanted to say, and it's not even that I have nothing to say, it's just my head is currently such a busy, crowded street with feelings and emotions bouncing off of each other.
I don't know what happened to us. It's like being in a car, driving down hill, and having the breaks go out. You just want it to stop, you want everything to be okay, you want to make it out alive but with the way things are going, it just doesn't seem like such a hopeful situation. But at this point it doesn't even matter because truthfully, I already feel dead. If my heart is still beating, i can't feel it anymore.
We started like any typical couple, except maybe we were jaded from the start. You were twenty one with a good heart, a contagious laugh, a huge fear of relationships, having never even come close to having one. I was healing with little to no hope in love, but you opened me back up and helped pick up the pieces. You were new and sweet and naive and just wonderful. I fell so in love with you, so easily. Your smile helped with that. I had never seen such a beautiful smile, and when you smiled my whole world just lit up. I miss that smile, I haven't seen it in quite some time now. We were just perfect together. We made people jealous and probably sick to their stomach with how cute we were. I miss us, I miss us so much.
But somehow, at some point, everything just started to fall apart. And now those old memories are like walking past your old home where happy thoughts and love used to dwell, and now it's just an old abandoned house with weeds and broken windows and an empty, hollow, sad inside. It absolutely started the day I had to go away to school. Distance kills love. I truly believe that. And especially with us just starting out. We had a month to hold on to each other before I had to be away from you, and i warned you that this would be hard, that it would ruin us, but we blindly took that leap together, ignoring every warning sign. We tried. We tried so hard but come May, things were so bad, and my homecoming- which we thought would save us- just broke us down even further. The insecurities and exhaustion from the distance carried over, the little fights began, then you started to give up ever so slowly. You started to emotionally pull yourself out of the relationship until I was basically alone. I felt like I was in love with a ghost. That beautiful, bright smile was so dim now.
I guess it just became too much for you. This being your first relationship, you had no idea how to handle the rough patches. You truly believed that relationships should always be perfect and that if problems exist, the relationship isn't right. You are a complete idiot to believe that, i hope you know. From then on you just turned cold, and angry, and void. You hated communication and the second I wanted to open up about my feelings, you would just shut down and ignore me or just yell at me. I think that is what holds us back so much. You need communication in a relationship and without it, you'll go nowhere. I felt dissatisfied and hopeless and foolish. I just wanted a sign from you, anything, a kiss, a touch, flowers, a text message- ANYTHING to show me that you still cared, that you still wanted this. I wanted you to fight for me instead of with me. But you can't make someone love you, you can't make someone fight for you. I'm not perfect, I had my flaws, but i never gave up.
And then I came home one night to flowers on my doorstep and a beautiful note. You told me you loved me and that you'd love me through any situation, that we'd work through this and "let's make this count." I still hold on to that note, i still read it every day because for a second I saw the boy I had fallen so deeply in love with. Just for a second though. It wasn't much longer after that you wanted space, and then you started saying you were confused, and then you wanted to leave. We sat outside on your porch, the rain falling down just for us, and you cried and cried and cried. I'll never understand how someone can leave someone, but be sad about it. If it hurts you to leave someone, why can't you just stay and put effort in the relationship? I don't understand it, probably because I've never been one to give up on love no matter how many times love wants to give up on me. I just can't. Once you have my heart, you have my heart and I'd do anything to keep that heart with you.
We've been together a year now. We agreed to keep trying, but it's been the same story ever since. You're still confused, you still want space, and my heart still doesn't want to let go. You keep trying to give up, but only because for you it's easier than working on something. I'm so sick of putting my heart fully into something just to be disappointed all the time. I think disappointment is one of the most painful emotions to deal with. I wish I meant more, I used to mean more. I wish I was worth something. All I've ever known is people leaving and i never wanted you to fall in that category. You're not even the same boy anymore. You're even starting to look different to me. I just wish I had the strength to walk away. I wish I could just give up on you, like you give up on me...on us. But no matter how many times you tell me you can't do this anymore, I end up back on your doorstep, fighting my ass off for you, trying to convince you that this will get better, that we can make it, because i have hope and sometimes that's all you really need. Call me crazy, or pathetic, or stupid... I am all of the above, but i can't let go, I just can't.
I have this stupid image of us in my head, hand in hand, looking back at this time and laughing it off like a bad dream. I just want everything to be okay, I just want us to work out, I just want you.
By the time this story gets published, I'm sure you'll have left me again, but I hope not. I hope just this once love is enough. I'd give anything to bring it back to the way it was in the beginning. Can that even happen? Is it possible for a relationship to hit such a low point and end up better than before? Probably not. And if it were possible, it'd probably require both individuals to want it enough and with your constant giving up, hope is paper thin.
I don't even want my heart anymore, you can just take it and run.