Saturday, July 16, 2011
i don't know what to think anymore.
i have 66 le love images saved, and too many stories to count. they all remind me of him. the good and the bad. the thoughts that go through my mind all day everyday are written in those little pictures. i love him more than anything, but my insecurities have made me have to convince myself that he loves me. i am always questioning it. even when he says it, he doesn't say it enough. then you wonder, well what if my insecurities are right. what if he really doesn't love me. so you get even more insecure. but maybe the insecurities are caused because i have always been 100% he has always been 50. maybe its because i have sacrificed relationships with family and friends trying to protect and defend our relationship when he doesn't even want one in the first place. in the beginning of our relationship he was perfect, almost a year later and it has disintegrated into "we are together without the title," i don't want to be tied down," "relationships have obligations and responsibilities and i don't want that" and most of all, "can we talk about this later?" throughout the secrets and the lies, i have ignored it all just to be with him. i kept my ignorance so i could pretend everything was perfect and he wasn't lying to me.
right now he has been going to these christian conferences. he called me and said that he has changed so much already and that he loves me but he wants to "renew our love" he wants to forget about the past because he has been manipulating me and hurting me without me even knowing it. but i have known it. i have had that feeling but i chose not to listen to it. he hung up. leaving me with 3 days of making up what his lies could be in my head. having imaginary conversations with him about how it might play out and thinking that maybe he has been cheating, maybe he has been doing the drugs he knows i hate. and he is going to stare me in the eyes and tell me that he has changed and lets forget the past. he is going to expect me to believe him. he comes home from these conferences in 2 days and i don't know what to think anymore.
do you forgive almost a year of lies in hopes of a trustworthy future with the one you love? or do you give up the insecurities you know will follow because you think he is going to do it all over again...