to feel about him the way he feels about me

ph: weheartit

When the chance at a relationship fails, the closest the other person can get to you is being best friends... These words passed by me a few months ago and I hadn't taken much note of them until I realized what was going on. He calls me awake every morning, he sends me a good luck message before every single exam, he baked me brownies, he gave me roses, he constantly tells me I'm beautiful, he notices every little detail, he was there when my grandmother died, he was there when I was stressing about university admission, when we bicker he's always the first to apologize, he's respectful, he's honest, he adores my family, he adores me... So why can't I bring myself to feel about him the way he feels about me? I'm broken.

unfinished business

ph: weheartit

I can’t get the hang of this. I’ve been typing and erasing and can’t decide how to write so I don’t know how it will turn out. My story is confusing, especially to me. You see, everything we’ve been through, it’s so baffling, intertwined and complexly stretched out that I can’t even put it into words. You know what they say about realising what you have only when you lose it? That’s exactly what happened.

I do not know when I realised it and it must have been a while after it ended... but as time went on and all our different aspects were becoming apparent to each other- for my part at least- I think I fell in love. Fell in love when I wasn’t even on talking terms with this other person.

The thing is that the actual 'relationship' was a short ordeal. We went out for a few weeks but after a while, it was abruptly cut short. All in all, it was a quick thing, too quick for us to properly adjust to each other. The worst part is that despite everything, we had a whole lot of 'moments' and little sweet memories that keep haunting you.

So for two years it’s been this mesh of an unfinished business, an unspoken of and non-verbal communication and many, many stupid mistakes. We used to see a lot of each other so it was painful. There was no way I could move on, especially me being so overwhelmed with his presence. Sometimes one of us made a move. We ignored each other- I don’t know why. We would then get mad with each other and that made everything worse. Cowards and bloody idiots!

Today, I do not know what will happen. Sometimes I feel so sad that two people can be so complimentary and yet clash so much at the same time. I used to get really sad about this. Twice I tried to contact him. Useless. Just as useless as his attempts were.

I have finally accepted the fact that the right occasion won’t ever come up. Not now anyway, I don’t ever see him. Which is good. At least I can have a good shot at moving on.

My final and concluding thought is that I really wish that it wasn’t for him the way it was for me. Because in that case it must have been bloody painful and I really don’t want him to have gone through all that.

I love you.

Despite everything.

i'm not able to not LOVE you

ph: weheartit

I wish it was easy to stop, to just make my hands and heart let go and tell them to rest before they latch on to the next guy that I compare to how perfect you are. I still love you so much because I loved you so much then, and I don't have a forgetful heart. You were perfect. You treated me so unbelievably perfect that my standards are now as high as they go. But it sucks, almost four years later and still you're the only one I want to be that good to me. There's just no one else. I'm not willing to push though and start loving anyone else, It's only you. Your rudeness, your sarcasm, I'd prefer it, I'd prefer it over any and every southern gentleman that shakes my hand that's still only longing for yours. I want you back, I wasn't ready to give you up then but you seemed so excited and ready for the change that I had to look like I was as strong as you. But you know me, you know i'm not ok without you. My happiness has been so little since we split. I LOVE YOU. I'm not able to not LOVE you. I don't want to not love you. Maybe these words will get me nowhere, I'll settle and deal. But always remember...It's the "tot" that counts.

S

up in flames

ph: c-loser

B,

Some people dream of slowly walking away in silence as something spectacular goes up in flames behind them. Like the number one thriller that everyone dreams could be their life. And here I am to say...I watched you walk that walk, while the flames simply engulfed me. I wasn’t ready to burn or be burned. No one knew to save me, except the one that lit the fire.

It’s magnificent from your view, but what about me. I’m too solid to be destroyed but God, this hurts, this hurts me more and more. I can’t find a place that isn’t marked with your perfection. I can’t find of clean piece in the wreckage to rebuild. But when it happens in a small town, the foundation never really disappears.

Give in...come back...and love ME. Stop looking, stop walking further into the distance. Come here and save me. I am telling you B that you will not ever find a heart that can withstand your flame. No heart can hold on this tight when all odds are pulling the other side. Turn around and look, I’m still here. There will never be a time when you turn around and don’t see me standing here.

You may have to walk back through flames but I’m the only one that can make it through them to love you when the smoke clears. Choose me, Love me.

S

i'm not afraid to lead with my heart

ph: yokolorin

I don't remember the exact moment when I went from liking you, to loving you. I don't even think it was while we were still dating. I think it was after, after we'd been apart.

I think not dating while so many miles apart has advanced our relationship more than we ever expected, and the fact that it has without our pushing for it- is inspiring.

(I pushed, secretly, I kept pushing for it).

But I do remember when I went from loving you, to that ridiculous, head over heels, heart physically aches, what so many artists sing about, writers scribble about, kind of love. The kind of love that makes me cry and want to watch The Notebook or listen to I Swear by Boys 2 Men over and over and over. I remember, because it was a week ago.

And quite frankly, it shocked me. There was this energy, running through my whole body, that just made me want you, all of you. I couldn't deny it, or hide from it. I let it wash over me. I missed you, and you were about five feet from me.

But with it, came the greatest fear I've ever known.

I know you love me, but I know you haven't made it to that place- that kind of love, yet.

I'm afraid you won't. I'm afraid your too concerned with not doing the wrong things, that you will end up missing the chance to do the right things. I'm afraid you are waiting for a sign that isn't going to come. I'm afraid you won't ever take a chance on me.

For me, this is easy. I'm not afraid to lead with my heart. I'm not afraid to show my emotions, to be honest, to be vulnerable. True love deserves that.

This is a risk. I want to take it with you. I just wish you'd want to take it with me.


It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does?
-Peter McWilliams

---

ps- don't forget to enter the JEWELMINT xo ring givaway >> check it out HERE!
i will be announcing a winner this week!
xo

to love you in the way you need

ph: weheartit

You just left my apartment, just moments ago. You confided in me, fears about her. The girl who stole your heart years ago. The girl who destroyed it and for the past 18 months has kept pieces of it across the ocean. Now she's returning, and you'll return to her.

You're my best friend. Our simple, casual friendship grew letter after letter, visit after visit. The past four months you've been by my side. I like who I am when I'm with you. I was starting to lose pieces of me, you brought them back. You helped me put myself together and I love you for that. Now it is time for me to be there for you. You are going to go back to the girl that broke you, if she'll have you. You won't admit it, but we both know what is about to happen. It may work out for a while, but eventually you'll be left more messed up than before. You are lost and likely to have your heart broken in the next 10 days. There is an easy way to avoid this heart ache, but you were never one to take the easy way. I like that about you.

I'm afraid of seeing your torn apart. I'm afraid of loosing my best friend. Sadly those are the two options. I want you to be happy, perhaps more than I want me to be happy. I guess that means, if it was up to me....I would choose to loose you. I would choose to watch you be happy. However if she breaks you, I will be there to collect the pieces and put you together again. Fix you like you fixed me.

No matter how the next few weeks pan out. You should know how this whole situation would end if we lived in a chick flick. I would win. She would come home, you would turn her down and run to me. You would confess your love to me and we would ride off into the sunset, or in our case ride off to graduate school. Since we live in reality, I am willing to love you in the way you need me to.

let me know

ph: Aleksandr Kutakh

Never thought I would be in this position. Remembering every touch, every single word. How my heart always raised when I looked into your eyes. Our sharing of cigarettes and serious talk. Laughter. Kisses. Hugs. Your hands around my body when spooning. Your smell.

For these seven months, my world has been revolved around you. Even though your world didn’t seem to have anything to do with me during this time, until yesterday. Telling me that you have to fix things, that you’re not perfect-but you’re willing to try, how you are longing for my hugs. Ending the conversation with me asking for you-without an answer. Texted you this morning, asking if your night had been a bit hazy-no answer.

You have been making my mind go crazy for seven months, still are. With this being the worst time ever. I want you, I want to try. Me standing here with my hands down, ready to take the punch. I want to know if you’re willing to try, or if these precious times together for me, have been nothing but a good way to spend a few hours. Let me know, the sooner the better.

something i have to do for me

ph: weheartit

D,

I’m writing this letter to tell you goodbye. I will never admit to writing this, much less ever give it to you, but this is something I need to do for myself. After our nearly four-year story, I’m letting go. You let go a long time ago, and I realize that it is time for me to do the same. I’m letting go of everything I thought that we would become. I’m letting go of thinking of you every single day, more than once. I’m letting go of secretly hoping that we will one day end up together. I’m letting go of waiting. I have realized once and for all that I am not meant to be with you. You know how much I cared about you, so I will not go into that in this letter. I have told you how I feel about you for years. I allowed you into the deepest part of my heart. I allowed you to know me better than I knew myself, and for that I am extremely regretful. I have learned that no girl should ever open up as far as I opened up to you. Nothing is forever, and there is no reason to be so vulnerable. I gave you parts of myself that have taken many months to get back. I put you above myself…something that I will never do again for the rest of my life. I am my top priority, no one else. I look back on our relationship and sometimes find myself wishing that it never happened. I’m not sure if I actually mean that, because, after all, everyone says it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I’m not so sure though, because you hurt me in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I loved you with every single part of me. And when we were over, I felt as if I had lost all of those thousands of parts. You left me broken... I still feel broken sometimes. Maybe we went wrong because of the timing. Maybe it’s because we were still growing into ourselves, although I guess there is no use in speculating why things worked out the way they did. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. I want you to know I think you are an amazing person. I don’t blame you for the way you hurt me. I recognize that was not your intention. I know you will do great things in life, and you deserve every inch of it. God has taught me so much about myself this past year. In hindsight, I consider our break up a blessing. But, despite the fact that I have been growing a lot, I still have a lot of healing to do. In order to do that, I need to tell you goodbye. Because every time I make the decision to be your friend, I fall harder. When you kiss me, or call me, it is different to me than it is to you. I have learned that the way I care about you is much deeper than your present feelings for me, and I can’t truly move on until I cut you out of my life completely. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. This is something I have to do for me, in order to love myself again, and someone else. Thank you for everything you have taught me. It’s been a long, crazy ride. Goodbye, D.

Best Wishes & Love Always,

M

friends with benefits

ph: StevanFane

There you go. You're in my head. I can't get you out, you're in there eating away at all my thoughts, clouding my judgements, just taking over everything. My imagination is running wild, we already had numerous dates in my head and plenty of conversations. You've already told me how beautiful you think I am and we had our first fight. I met your friends and they think I'm great. You let me beat you in your favorite video game and you saw me cry during a sad movie. You held my hand and pulled me in for a sweet kiss.

Then I bring myself back to earth and realize its just in my head. And when I wake up in your bed I know its time to go home because there's nothing there that's holding me back. The moments pleasure is gone. I give you a light kiss goodbye and spend the rest of my day thinking about you and how it could be.

Maybe if the timing had been different...maybe if you were different

ph: Mikael Kennedy

I wish I had said everything. I wish I hadn't held back the words that keep ringing in my head now. So I'm writing them here. These words are for you.

I met you and was instantly drawn to you. You were funny and sarcastic and sexy and unattainable. I wanted to be around you, even if it was just to talk to you for a moment. I wanted to just be around you. We had that moment one night, that moment where we both stopped and thought that maybe there could really be something between us. But it was unattainable. It wasn't logical. And yet I thought about you. And wondered what you were doing, and if you felt the same.

When it all ended, i called you. From that day on, you had me.

In the beginning of us it was great. I wanted to touch you and hold your hand and be in your arms all the time. I didn't see anyone else. And neither did you...for awhile.
But you saw what others thought. And you saw what others were saying. And you let it ruin us.

I would have been with you, and given you all of me..but it would have never worked. We would have never worked.. And even though i knew that, I stayed..and I still let you hurt me and love me at the same time.

Being with you was amazing, being wrapped up in you was intoxicating. Being away from you, not hearing from you, knowing that your mind was everywhere but on me, was painful.

You told me you loved me, that you always would, and you would always hold a place in your heart for me, that I had made an impression there. And I said the same.
But then why did you do the things you did? How can you hurt someone you love? How can you give it up so easily? Was I a fool to believe the easy words? Was I just another dumb girl that climbed in your bed for a fun ride, only to get off and get back in line again?

Well then things happened. Things that changed things. Something that could have easily made me walk away, but I didn't. I stayed and forgave you and looked past it.
Everyone told me I was insane, but I wanted to be with you. I didn't want to give up the drug yet. And even still you grew further and further away from me, as I tried to hang on to whatever was left.

And then came time for me to get on that plane, the time we both knew would come, and you said good bye so easily. You told me if only the circumstances had been different, maybe if the times were others it could have worked. But it didn't.

And now I'm here, with this new life, and a new place, and I'm in love with it. I'm in love with my new life. But I miss you. I miss your bed. I miss the nook in your arms where I would lie. I miss hearing you say how comfortable we were together.
I miss kissing you and laughing with you.

And I think of you and wonder if you think of me....knowing that the answer is you don't. Knowing that you have probably moved on and I don't cross your mind any more.

So I will move on. But I just needed you to know that I think of you. And miss us. But I am moving on. I hold a place for you, that is filled with pain and love and forgiveness.

I forgive you for hurting me and for not knowing that you did. I wish you the best. Maybe if the timing had been different...maybe if you were different..

Maybe we'll never know.


-S

listen to your intuition

ph: weheartit

I used to be the girl that hoped for the most amazing love; and when I met him, I knew I'd found it. He was everything a young girl would fall for: mysterious, unattainable, older, good looking, and such a smooth talker. Being a young girl in high school, it didn't take me long before I couldn't get him off my mind, before I caught myself waiting by the phone for his text message, before I started changing myself to accommodate his expectations. He became my addiction, and I could not stop thinking about him. The first time we hooked up, I was more than ecstatic because that validated that he (or at least, I thought) had feelings for me too, and that he wanted me as well. Right before he kissed me, he said, "I don't want a relationship, but I want you." Being the naive sixteen year old that I was, I took that with a grain of salt, thinking to myself that I could easily change his mind. I just wanted him so badly - it's like, when they say don't push the big red button, its all you want to do. Everyone warned me about him, about how he was a player, about how he was emotionally unavailable, but I was determined to be the exception. I was determined to change that about him. I wanted to be the girl who the player fell in love with - because I knew I could be that girl.

We continued to hook up all the time, but he still wasn't budging. I was giving him everything: hook ups whenever he wanted, but with no strings attached - he got to keep his options open while getting the pretty blonde sixteen year old that no other guy had ever come close to getting.

Why did I let him do this to me? Still, to this day, it baffles me. I was taking from him what I could get, because I liked him so fucking much. He treated me like a friend, he talked to and texted crazy amounts of other girls, used me as a last resort to his plans, but still got me. One hundred percent of me. And I hardly ever even got a stitch of him. He was an asshole, he was a douche bag, he was a jerk. Don't get me wrong though, he was real nice about it - always made sure I knew that the "only reason" why he wouldn't date me was because of school. I knew deep down that was bullshit - my mom always told me, "if a guy really likes you, no matter what is in the way, he will get you. He will WANT to be with you. No matter what." This boy was a master manipulator, and you know, the players always are. They know exactly what to say to the girls who like them to get them exactly where they want. He knew I liked him so much, and he took advantage of it.

And at the end of the day, I ended up with nothing. Why? Because I got fed up - confronted him and put my foot down. I told him it was either all or nothing with me, and he chose nothing. After everything I did for him, after all the bullshit I put up with, he wanted nothing. He said, "you know, to be completely honest, I don't think I ever liked you nearly as much as you liked me." After ages of caring about him, the next day, he was already with someone else.

Here's a word of advice to all those naive girls out there: listen to your intuition. When the red flags come up, don't ignore them. Listen to what people say. Because although infatuation may be the strongest emotion you'll ever feel, heartbreak is much, much more painful, and takes much longer to conquer. I didn't listen to my gut, I didn't listen to my head. I listened to my heart, and I got burnt. I got burnt.

I'm still getting over the heartbreak, I take it day by day. Some days are worse than others, there will be times where I'll wake up in the middle of the night screaming thoughts in my mind about him. Other times I'll be able to put things into perspective and know that I can do better. The player will have a power over you like no one else - he'll be able to make you feel like you're the one at fault, like you're worthless, like you're the one who fucked everything up.

Don't date the player.

Please.

-S

the difference about like and love

ph: heartless + daisy2klein

i don't know what to think anymore.

ph: weheartit

i have 66 le love images saved, and too many stories to count. they all remind me of him. the good and the bad. the thoughts that go through my mind all day everyday are written in those little pictures. i love him more than anything, but my insecurities have made me have to convince myself that he loves me. i am always questioning it. even when he says it, he doesn't say it enough. then you wonder, well what if my insecurities are right. what if he really doesn't love me. so you get even more insecure. but maybe the insecurities are caused because i have always been 100% he has always been 50. maybe its because i have sacrificed relationships with family and friends trying to protect and defend our relationship when he doesn't even want one in the first place. in the beginning of our relationship he was perfect, almost a year later and it has disintegrated into "we are together without the title," i don't want to be tied down," "relationships have obligations and responsibilities and i don't want that" and most of all, "can we talk about this later?" throughout the secrets and the lies, i have ignored it all just to be with him. i kept my ignorance so i could pretend everything was perfect and he wasn't lying to me.

right now he has been going to these christian conferences. he called me and said that he has changed so much already and that he loves me but he wants to "renew our love" he wants to forget about the past because he has been manipulating me and hurting me without me even knowing it. but i have known it. i have had that feeling but i chose not to listen to it. he hung up. leaving me with 3 days of making up what his lies could be in my head. having imaginary conversations with him about how it might play out and thinking that maybe he has been cheating, maybe he has been doing the drugs he knows i hate. and he is going to stare me in the eyes and tell me that he has changed and lets forget the past. he is going to expect me to believe him. he comes home from these conferences in 2 days and i don't know what to think anymore.

do you forgive almost a year of lies in hopes of a trustworthy future with the one you love? or do you give up the insecurities you know will follow because you think he is going to do it all over again...