looking ahead

ph: weheartit

It’s amazing what I put the one I love through.

Honestly.

I’m so sorry, sweetheart.

I’m fine, and all of a sudden my insecurities are touched, and C the Bitch comes out to play.

And I know I’m not the first to realize that getting so near-and-dear in a relationship suddenly brings out the worst in you. Is it really the worst? Or is it that your significant other suddenly has access to your greatest hopes and fears? Oh, how often you’re split! How you throw your shoulders back, taking poised steps, oozing with appeal, and in the same day sob into your pillow and hold your middle and scorn your belly fat, completely itching to be outside of your own skin.

Now, you’ve slowly given over to letting that person in, letting him in, letting him in, ‘til all in one instant you realize he has access to your very tender heart. The inner workings of your brain are now laid open for him to dissect. And strangely, he is still there. Through all your tumultuous mood swings and honest-to-god shit.

And then you wonder (maybe YOU don’t, ye reader, but I sure do…) when the day will come that he will discover something that he actually can’t handle. Maybe the way you, American girl, twirl your pasta around your fork (instead of poshly and precisely twisting it into a spoon) will finally push him over the edge of insanity. Maybe one day the cute accent in which you pronounce the not-quite-yet familiar German vocabulary will no longer be as adorable as he thinks it is now.

Maybe one day he’ll realize that all the things from your past are always, always going to be there. Maybe not in the room, sitting haughtily on your couch and laughing as you try to have a genuine and fresh conversation. Maybe not in the field overlooking the city sunset as you whisper sweet things. But sometimes they come walking around the corner when you least expect them. Sometimes they turn up in familiar old smells and sporadic old songs and childhood rooms. And then, lady. Then you are done for. They never call and warn you of their short and slicing visit. You´ll bleed and bleed for days. Sooo slowly, that scab forms. And they laugh bitterly, those songs and smells and rooms, because they know there is nothing you can do about the surprise damage to your person. You don´t want to have to always be prepared for the storm.

And I forgot, until a few days ago, how being in a relationship means one is now responsible for how her actions and emotional release of inhibition so directly affect the mien of her companion.

I don’t like to be this way.

I’m not the vulnerable type, though I feign it quite easily. I’m open, very open! But only to a certain extent, that I can control. Love is letting go of that control and jumping off that cliff without a parachute. It’s a beautiful and terribly scary thing. He can’t promise never to hurt me. He’s human. He can’t promise never to leave~ one day, someday, maybe sooner but hopefully later, death will take both of us. He can’t promise me security and stability, though we both have dreams of what this life could be. He can promise me tomorrow as much as I can promise never to get in a car accident. Oh, but I want him here with me forever…

Why do I feel like, I am too happy? That the only reason I am happy is because it isn’t going to last?

I asked you that, the other day…and you said “shh, shhh, mein Sonnenschein. I’m looking ahead and all I know is that there’s you and me, and it’s bright and beautiful.”

Life with you will be far too short.

~C

in like with you.

ph: weheartit

The first night we met, I was automatically comfortable around you. It was like I had known you for a long time. It wasn’t awkward, and whenever we had both stopped talking, we didn’t feel the need to fill the silences with stupid small talk. The first time we kissed was like one of those cheesy romantic kisses in chick flicks. I want to puke rainbows as I close my eyes and reminisce, but here we go:

We were lying on my bed, watching tv, when I felt your fingers run up and down my arm and hand. You pulled me close, causing my hair to fall in front of my face. I smiled at you, and as you smiled back, you brushed my hair to the side and tucked it behind my ear. You put your hand behind the back of my head and pulled me even closer to kiss me.

Was it cheesy and cliché? Absolutely. Was it perfect? Absolutely.

I really like you, but sometimes I can’t help but remember that time you disappeared from my life for 2 months with no explanation or anything. We just had started hanging out a lot, and then nothing. I was hurt and embarrassed, because I couldn’t figure out what I did to you to cause you to not talk to me anymore. I felt so stupid for letting my guard down around you. For those 2 months of not having you in my life, my heart dropped into my stomach whenever I’d pass a car that looked just like yours. I felt pathetic and sickened that I still missed you. I missed the smell of you, the way you would pull me close just to look at me, how you would run your fingers up and down my back as I would fall asleep in your arms, how your beautiful hazel eyes would crinkle and light up whenever you smiled, seeing a text from you during the day just to see how my day was going. I missed all of that, and so much more during that time. Eventually I thought of you less as time went on, and I accepted the fact that you were pretty much just another guy passing through in my life. I deleted every trace of you from my life, and moved on. Even though I still thought of you at times, I was honestly ok with it.

But guys have a funny way of worming their way back into your life once you’ve worked so hard to forget about them…

You’re back now. And yes, I brushed it off. Even though you apologized multiple times and I know you’re truly sorry, it doesn’t mean that you can pull that again, because if it were to happen again, I’m done with you. The reason you stopped talking to me was because you were afraid that your baggage would make me not want to talk to you anymore, but here I am. I’m still here, and I’m not going anywhere. You make me happy. In fact, I’m the happiest I’ve been in awhile. You tell me all the time how much you really like me and all I can manage is to smile and blush like a freakin’ 6 year old girl. There’s still so much I don’t know about you, but I love learning things about you. Falling asleep in your arms makes the crappiest day into a good day. The way you dance like a fool in my kitchen when I make you grilled cheese at 12:30 at night makes me like you so much more. I could go down the endless list, but you get the picture. I don’t know if you’re my soul mate, but I can’t imagine my life without you. In love? No. In like? Yes, very much so.

-S

i want a simple love

ph: Anna Hollow | Widi Noor Cahya // viniwidivici snapshot!