to face that fear

ph: weheartit

It’s been a cycle since I was fourteen, maybe younger. I fall madly in love with a boy, almost instantly. It’s wonderful and perfect and everything I’ve ever wanted. After about a year or so, I get bored. As much as I hate to admit that I’m this kind of person, I have cheated on every serious boyfriend I have ever had. I’m only nineteen but that’s been five guys. I’m afraid to be alone, so when things start getting rocky with a guy I find a replacement before I even end things with them. I have not ever trusted a man in my life except for my father and I later learned that he betrayed my trust in a way that was completely unforgivable but I was too young to know. I loved him with all my heart all of his short life and we were so close. It wasn’t until after he died of an overdose that I realized the things that he had done to me as a child and I have never been able to trust a man, or really anyone, since. I have loved a lot of guys for my age. Who knows if it was ever real love, but now I doubt that it ever was because I’ve realized without trust you can never have true love. I don’t want to be the person that I have become. I lie to everyone around me, especially the people I’m closest with just because I assume that’s what everyone does. When I get suspicious that someone isn’t telling the truth I usually bring it up to them and they assure me that they are being honest but I can never believe anyone’s word. If I could trust my father for twelve years before I realized I never should have trusted him at all, how long does it take to find out the truth about everyone else? Is everyone just putting on a fake face and doing what they want while telling their friends, lovers, and family just what they want to hear? Maybe everyone is just as good as covering up their lies as my father was, as I have become. At some point, I’ve seen my father in every boy I’ve dated, even if for just a second. And that changes everything in the relationship for me. It’s taken me a while to realize that.

I don’t know how or where to start but I need to change. I need to get over the things that have happened to me in the past. I need to be alone, without a man in my life to depend on, for once and work on bettering myself. Being alone has been my biggest fear since I was a child, even if for a short time. I need to face that fear. I need to learn to trust myself before I can ever trust anyone else and have a happy relationship.

To everyone I’ve ever hurt, I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me one day.

This is the first I’ve ever admitted this to anyone, it’s a lot easier to admit things to total strangers than to people you know. Please don’t judge me, I’m not this horrible person that I’ve become.

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love." –Marilyn Monroe.

Maybe if the timing had been different...maybe if you were different

ph: Mikael Kennedy

I wish I had said everything. I wish I hadn't held back the words that keep ringing in my head now. So I'm writing them here. These words are for you.

I met you and was instantly drawn to you. You were funny and sarcastic and sexy and unattainable. I wanted to be around you, even if it was just to talk to you for a moment. I wanted to just be around you. We had that moment one night, that moment where we both stopped and thought that maybe there could really be something between us. But it was unattainable. It wasn't logical. And yet I thought about you. And wondered what you were doing, and if you felt the same.

When it all ended, i called you. From that day on, you had me.

In the beginning of us it was great. I wanted to touch you and hold your hand and be in your arms all the time. I didn't see anyone else. And neither did you...for awhile.
But you saw what others thought. And you saw what others were saying. And you let it ruin us.

I would have been with you, and given you all of me..but it would have never worked. We would have never worked.. And even though i knew that, I stayed..and I still let you hurt me and love me at the same time.

Being with you was amazing, being wrapped up in you was intoxicating. Being away from you, not hearing from you, knowing that your mind was everywhere but on me, was painful.

You told me you loved me, that you always would, and you would always hold a place in your heart for me, that I had made an impression there. And I said the same.
But then why did you do the things you did? How can you hurt someone you love? How can you give it up so easily? Was I a fool to believe the easy words? Was I just another dumb girl that climbed in your bed for a fun ride, only to get off and get back in line again?

Well then things happened. Things that changed things. Something that could have easily made me walk away, but I didn't. I stayed and forgave you and looked past it.
Everyone told me I was insane, but I wanted to be with you. I didn't want to give up the drug yet. And even still you grew further and further away from me, as I tried to hang on to whatever was left.

And then came time for me to get on that plane, the time we both knew would come, and you said good bye so easily. You told me if only the circumstances had been different, maybe if the times were others it could have worked. But it didn't.

And now I'm here, with this new life, and a new place, and I'm in love with it. I'm in love with my new life. But I miss you. I miss your bed. I miss the nook in your arms where I would lie. I miss hearing you say how comfortable we were together.
I miss kissing you and laughing with you.

And I think of you and wonder if you think of me....knowing that the answer is you don't. Knowing that you have probably moved on and I don't cross your mind any more.

So I will move on. But I just needed you to know that I think of you. And miss us. But I am moving on. I hold a place for you, that is filled with pain and love and forgiveness.

I forgive you for hurting me and for not knowing that you did. I wish you the best. Maybe if the timing had been different...maybe if you were different..

Maybe we'll never know.


-S

i thought you were perfect.

ph: weheartit

It was a Wednesday night the first time we kissed. The nightclub was buzzing with people and music and I could taste the alcohol between our mouths. Warmth flowed through me as your soft lips pressed onto mine. I remembered your kiss still lingered on my lips as I left the club, and I could smell your sweet perfume all over my face. I never expected to hear from you again, but I did.

Two months later you asked me to be your girlfriend. No words could describe how happy I was right at that moment, I had been waiting for weeks for you to finally be mine.

I even remembered the first time you said you loved me. We were at a festival, the sun had gone down and I began to feel the chill of the night so we ran into a tent. The tent was filled with people entranced by the music as it blared through the speakers, it was so loud you could feel each beat vibrating through your body. You were so happy. Your fingers would intertwine into mine. Your hand would fall perfectly on my back as you would pull me closer for a kiss. I could smell your sweat laced with your deodorant wafting from your white singlet. “I love you” you yelled through the thumping of the music. I was so happy.

As each day passed, I fell more in love with you. I loved you so effortlessly.

We did everything together. Our lives meshed together perfectly.

Sundays would be my favourite day, we would wake up late, stay in bed, watch movies all day, and then grab take out for dinner. Even though we did absolutely nothing, Sundays were my favourite because I got to do absolutely nothing with you.

You were the first person that I felt knew me better than I knew myself.

I remembered the night I found out I was pregnant. As the two lines formed on the pregnancy test tears welled up in my eyes and I collapsed to the floor. We were only 19. How could we possibly look after a child? I called you and told you I had to see you. I picked you up in my beaten up car, and as soon as you asked me what was wrong I bursted into tears. You handled it so well. I could tell you weren’t scared at all, not like me. When I decided that I couldn’t keep it, I saw for only a second, a flash of sadness in your eyes. It killed me. I would have loved for you to be that father of my child, to start a family and a future with you, but at this age, I just wasn’t ready, and neither were you. You were there for me the whole time, you were so strong.

I thought you were perfect. But I was wrong.

I was staring out of my window into the hauntingly dark night when I got the call. At first I couldn’t believe it, I refused to believe it. There was no way it could be possibly true. There was no way this one little sentence could tear down my whole life, and shatter my entire heart. I couldn’t breathe.

“He has been sleeping with another girl.”

7 words. All it took was 7 words to make me crumble into pieces of nothing. My fingers were shaking as I dialled your number and waited for your charming voice to greet me with a hello. I asked you, and you denied. You said it was all lies. I said I believed you. But I didn’t.

That night I laid in bed staring at nothing but complete darkness. I could hear my mind ticking over at all the possible ifs and buts and whys. I needed you more than ever, but I resented the idea of being with you. I had to speak to her. The other girl. The girl who has looked up into those blue eyes that I adore and has kissed the lips I always crave to kiss.

She told me everything. She told me how you met her through one of your friends. She told me how it was a bright, summer’s day and how you both swam in the beach and then made love afterwards. With every word she spoke, I felt my soul burning into pieces of ashes. Apart of me wanted to curl my fingers into her tacky brown hair extensions and tear them apart, just like her words were tearing my heart, but another part just wanted to run away from this nightmare.

I remembered I was shaking so much that I could feel my knees about to buckle as I headed to your door. You greeted me with your usual charming smile. As I stood there staring into your gleaming blue eyes, tears began to form. My heart caved in. I blurted out the conversation I had with this girl. And you still denied. You told me she was lying. You were so convincing. I wanted so much to believe you. I had to believe you.

You held me so tight that I could smell the soap on your skin. You kissed me and told me you loved me. I could see the fear and the love in those beautiful round eyes. I had to believe you.

I woke up with my face nuzzled into your chest. I felt the warmth of your breath flowing down my face. I could hear the slow, rhythmic thumps of your heart on your chest. For a moment, it felt so perfect once again.

That morning was the last time I saw you. After you kissed me and left for work, I made the bed, packed my things, and left.

To this day I still don’t know what to believe, and I still don’t know if I made the right decision. There is a part of me that hopes one day you will find me again, and that you will never let me go.

I still love you so much.

SE.

i don't know what to think anymore.

ph: weheartit

i have 66 le love images saved, and too many stories to count. they all remind me of him. the good and the bad. the thoughts that go through my mind all day everyday are written in those little pictures. i love him more than anything, but my insecurities have made me have to convince myself that he loves me. i am always questioning it. even when he says it, he doesn't say it enough. then you wonder, well what if my insecurities are right. what if he really doesn't love me. so you get even more insecure. but maybe the insecurities are caused because i have always been 100% he has always been 50. maybe its because i have sacrificed relationships with family and friends trying to protect and defend our relationship when he doesn't even want one in the first place. in the beginning of our relationship he was perfect, almost a year later and it has disintegrated into "we are together without the title," i don't want to be tied down," "relationships have obligations and responsibilities and i don't want that" and most of all, "can we talk about this later?" throughout the secrets and the lies, i have ignored it all just to be with him. i kept my ignorance so i could pretend everything was perfect and he wasn't lying to me.

right now he has been going to these christian conferences. he called me and said that he has changed so much already and that he loves me but he wants to "renew our love" he wants to forget about the past because he has been manipulating me and hurting me without me even knowing it. but i have known it. i have had that feeling but i chose not to listen to it. he hung up. leaving me with 3 days of making up what his lies could be in my head. having imaginary conversations with him about how it might play out and thinking that maybe he has been cheating, maybe he has been doing the drugs he knows i hate. and he is going to stare me in the eyes and tell me that he has changed and lets forget the past. he is going to expect me to believe him. he comes home from these conferences in 2 days and i don't know what to think anymore.

do you forgive almost a year of lies in hopes of a trustworthy future with the one you love? or do you give up the insecurities you know will follow because you think he is going to do it all over again...

what do I do now?

ph: wehearit

I love love love your blog and love looking and reading all the little details, especially the comments underneath, it is such a great way to know your not alone sometimes and that everyone goes through these tricky situations. My current situation is a very long story, and a rather complicated one too. I feel I am so out of control and stuck and like everything has gone not the way I planned, and I have no idea what to do. What is real love? Why does the heart trick me? This is my story ....

When I was a 14 I fell for a boy older than me ( he was 18), we hung out for a few months one summer before his friends started to give him stick for us hanging out. Nothing sexual ever happened between us, although I was sure he was the one. He told me one day that nothing could happen between us because of our age and, what I see as selfless, he said I should go on and live my life and that maybe one day in the future when timing was better and age was not a problem we could be together. I was heart broken, that was that, done, gone, he stopped replying to my texts and calls. I was gutted and it took me sleepless nights of tears to get over him.

My darling lovely boyfriend, we met at school when I was 16, and it was fairy tale love from the start. Nothing kept us apart, it really was the best relationship. Honesty, friendship, communication, love. My first. It was amazing. He made me so happy, he adored me. It was perfect. Then we grew up, as childhood sweethearts, and now in my 20's I have the natural nagging feeling I get when he annoys me, or takes me for granted. After 6 years its not the same as it was. Same old story, my heart wanting to let go, his heart not letting me go. I feel trapped. But he is so sweet to me, he is so good to, too good that it makes it hard to want to end it, even though I feel trapped and wanting to fly my wings on my own without his loving restriction.

And then out of nowhere 'he' is back in my life, my friend from all those years ago, suddenly the chemistry is back, its so good, those butterflies which i hadn't experienced in years were back, with more force than ever. It was thrilling. But i made a mistake, a terrible mistake, not knowing what my head and my heart want I broke the relationship trust, I made an error in action, but not once, but twice, on two different occasions. And now i've become 'that' person. The person everyone in a relationship hates, the person we all think of in disgust, because I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment with an old flame during a rocky patch in my relationship.

What do I do now? Do i cut him out my life, my first real love who I never got to have anything with because of bad timing and age difference. He says he's sorry for putting me in this position, and that he'll respect whatever I decide. He hasn't put any pressure on me to break up with my boyfriend.

My darling on the other hand, had no idea, he knows that i've been a bit of a mess with deciding what i want in life, but he has stood by me waiting for me to come back and be his sweetheart. On some occasions I am on his sweetheart, not how we used to be, but we have an amazing history together which I never want to give up, or destroy or harm in anyway ... but i suppose I have already broken it haven't I ?

What do I do? i'm so split, one part of me says cut out the old flame and don't ruin what I have, and what could be amazing for a bit longer OR break off what clearly hasn't worked for along time, and take things slow with this old flame and see what happens. I don't feel like i deserve the love of my boyfriend, but i don't know if i can handle dealing with his broken heart on top of mine, it might kill me, i will be a mess.

Do i come clean about my mistakes ? Or carry on as normal ?

I've been so lost and confused for so long now, i am moving abroad for a year in a few months to get some head space, drastic I know, but that's what it has come down to. I just don't know if i can wait till then to decide what to do ...

a lost little soul x