a stranger i cant wait to know

ph: weheartit

as long as i can remember ive always been searching for "the one." romance novels, disney fairytales, and hollywood chick flicks have put images of white knights and prince charmings in my head that realistically dont exist. alas the hopeless romantic, emphasis on hopeless, that i am keeps her eyes peeled in case one magically walked through a magic mirror into this world searching for me too.

in the past ive gone to many lengths to meet my soul mate. utilizing online dating, missed connection sites, blind dates... yet they all end in failure. in most cases my overzealous heart either mistakes him for someone hes not, or scares them away. and yet no matter how many times my heart has been chipped, dropped, and broken, i continue to pick up the pieces and tape them together again and move on with my search.

more recently i took a step back. trying to rearrange my priorities and get the rest of my life in a place that makes me happy. its taken about a year but i feel im finally there. i know who my true friends are and i make time to invest in them. i have a career i love with all my heart and work for a company i truly believe in. i could hit the gym more often but thats not really impairing my happiness too much. im living with my parents, which isnt the ideal situation, but the 3 of us are getting along well and im closer to my goal of savings to get out on my own again soon! but no matter what i do for myself, no matter how many spa days i allow, big pay checks i get, or pounds i loose, theres still something missing. and that is him. the one. my prince charming. my hero.

BUT LOW AND BEHOLD!!! a few weeks ago, i was minding my own business at dillards and there he was. i had just gotten off work, i was exhausted and disheveled, and decided to swing by the mall to grab a few things. i had parked in the parking area i always park in and as i was leaving to head home i walked by the holiday decor. with my mothers santa clause collection in mind i popped in to see if there may be a santa she couldnt live without. sure enough, Irish Santa popped out and i commenced my search to find one to buy. of course i couldnt so i went to look for help. approaching the first dillards employee i could find i found my heart start to race. my cheeks flush. my voice retreating. he was the most handsome man ive ever laid my eyes on. now if you remember prince charming is typically described as "tall, dark, and handsome" he fits this mold in his own quirky way. he is tall. not too tall though. perfectly tall. hes strong and fit. in a way that when he wraps his arms around me i feel safe and protected. smaller. i feel like a space was saved for me in those arms of his. oh is he handsome. i believe the term for him is "silver fox." ugh is it sexy. he wears his silver locks in a Madmen style, classic and chic. his smile makes sparks fire within my soul. his eyes are like deep, endless pools that i could loose myself in for hours. oh how i long for him now... even now he distracts me. but anyways, back to the story. i asked him for help finding santa. as he went to the stock room to search i frantically found a mirror and quickly applied lipstick, powder, and let down my hair... my crazy attempt to make myself more attractive for him. oh did i mention he was wearing the cutest red bow tie?! ugh! as he returned he wrapped up my gift and we began to chat. well, he was chatting, i was flirting. we took notice of each others tattoos and learned we were both of irish decent. it was a short lived encounter that i will never forget. he won me over in 5 measly minutes. without even trying. i left the mall with only the name tony to go by. but i HAD to know him. know who he is. what hes about. everything about him. i wanted him in my life from that very moment.

jump ahead past the crazy stalker faze i had when i got home that night frantically searching for him via internet. its amazing how easy it is to find someone if you really want to. so you can guess... i found him, emailed him, and anxiously waited for a response. i soon learned he was more than willing to start a friendship, but the air soon deflated from my bubble when i learned he was seeing someone. *le sigh*

jump ahead again, its only been perhaps 2 weeks. and we are friends. but i have fallen head over heels for him. without a doubt, deep for him. my heart feels as though it has finally found its counterpart. the last piece to my puzzle. my white knight. (as i type this my phone makes is typical text message sound and my heart jumps as i see its from him :) ) hes the man ive been dreaming of my whole life. i know without a doubt, deep in my soul, that he is the most wonderful man ive ever met. his touch makes my stomach tighten. his smile lights me on fire. when he speaks i want to savor every story. i long to feel what his lips feel like. what his breath tastes like. to be as close as possible to his body.

when im apart from him it feels as though my heart has a string tied around it. and he holds the other end. my heart feels like it is being pulled towards this man. this man that i honestly dont know. hes still very much a stranger. a stranger i cant wait to know deeply, inside and out.

you’ll never forget your first true love

ph: RengimMutevellioglu

It’s been two years. I remember the two first months felt like forever. Two years ago I thought I would be ok in a two years time. I wasn’t back then, it felt like a never ending pain. But the reasonable me kept on saying "Hold on, just hold on. I will be okay, it will end one day and it will go faster than you expect. It just doesn’t feel like that right now. But I know it will.”

I honestly thought two years would be more than enough to… I don’t even know to what. To move on, to stop hurting, to stop crying, to stop loving. Perhaps even to forget?

But I haven’t. I haven’t stopped crying or hurting. I haven’t really moved on. And I have definitely not forgotten.

So now I don’t know what I should tell myself anymore.

I guess people who say that you’ll never forget your first true love are actually telling the truth.

Namsi

with you forever

ph: weheartit + weheartit

i remember you

ph: weheartit


Two years ago, I met a wonderful boy. He was a friend to a friend of mine, and he was visiting this friend for about a week. I had talked to him two or three times before in some chat or something, but it was nothing special about him I thought, before the first time I met him.

He lived in the country next to mine. It seems close. But it isn't. Anyway, two years ago I was heading to the local supermarket, to met this incredible boy and my friend.
A summer day when the sun shined and made everything beautiful, the food tasted better, the music sounded better, and everything was shining and the world was golden.

The first time I saw him it was love at first sight. I blushed. His eyes was blue, but also a bit green. And his hair was blonde. Dark blonde. The way he walked, and the way he talked. Everything about him was extraordinary and I couldn't stop wanting to know everything about him. His middle-name and if his mother still called him sweetheart.

I didn't expect anything. I didn't want anything. I didn't know anything. I just knew that the second our eyes met I couldn't see anything else. So we stared at each other. Long. And that day we walked around and talked to each other about everything and anything. He sang like an angel and had the brains of an professor. He had humor, and everything anyone could ask for. The only weakness he had was that he believed he wasn't memorable. I fell in love in just a couple of days with every little part of him, and he sat outside my door as soon as the sun rised and we walked around my little town next to the sunrise. After that we would run away and swim, or grab an ice cream in the sun. We often just listened to music and talked for hours. Talked til the sun was about to go down and the sky painted it self red.

On the last night before he was going to leave me and my heart who already belonged to him we walked along the beach. With the sunset as our background. He held my hand and I held his, as hard as I possibly could. We climbed up a cliff and sat down. He hugged me, embraced me with every part of him. Kissed my forehead. We didn't say anything. Just sitting next to each other felt safe. More safe then anything else. We knew it was the end. Of this. Of what I thought life was about. He would be to far away. And the sun was about to go down and I wanted it to stay up more than I ever wanted anything. So that the next day would never come, and he would never leave. I wanted him to stay so badly I almost couldn't feel myself breath.
Somehow I must have fallen asleep in his arms, because the next morning I woke up in my own bed. He was gone. The only thing left was a letter in a envelope with my name on it.

"Angela,
I carried you home when the sun was down. When you're reading this I'm probably on the train, on my way home.
I didn't expect this. I didn't expect to fall in love with a girl, a wonderful, beautiful girl, in Sweden in less than a week. Cause that's what happened.
I'm in love with you. You. You. You. I don't know much. But you own my heart, even though you're one country away. Doesn't that say alot?

We're young and we're stupid, but it hurts me that I can't be stupid with you. I would leave everything at home to just be with you, even though it sounds dumb.
I know. It wouldn't work. We can't be together. We're too far away from each other. We have so different life's, so different dreams and wishes. But our hearts are the same. Beating for the other. My heart is always going to beat a bit harder for you. I hope you know that, that you will always be a piece of me, everywhere you go.
I didn't have the time to say it before I had to go, but.. I've never met anyone like you. Ever, and I think I love you. Or, I know I do. I love you.

Write me. And please, remember me."

When I'm writing this it's been two years. We've had others. Loved others. But somehow, we're back to this. In love again.

...........

F,

If you're reading this, I remember you.
I'll always remember you, and when you call me in the middle of the night just to sing a song or when I wake up and read your long emails, or when I take a walk down the beach we sat by just to remember you a little bit more, I remember you so much it hurts, but it feels good knowing you'll always be close. Even though you aren't here.

You are and always will be a person no one ever will forget.
Lots of love, Angela

if you're not looking for love

ph: weheartit

This doesn't normally happen to me. I'd describe myself as an average girl, pretty, tall and skinny. Average. I've been called beautiful but by people that I didn't take seriously. I was so surprised when he messaged me. He wanted to hang out with me! We met briefly through friends and made light conversation. But, there was something about me that he liked. I was so nervous for our first date. I was a mess. But sitting in his car I relaxed and conversation just flowed. It was so easy with him. I could be myself and not worry about how dorky I looked when I laughed or how uncoordinated I am. He loved every bit of me. I soaked it all in. Every time I get a text or thought about him my stomach would get all funny, like there were butterflies where organs should be. When he told me he had to go, I didn't know what to do. It's not like I fell in love with him after that short amount of time. But I was definitely in like with him. I can tell he's thinking about me when he texts me first or in the middle of the night. I get a goofy grin whenever I text him. If I didn't know any better I'd say I'm falling in love with him. He knows it too. I can't wait until he comes back :) This truly doesn't happen to me. But it did when I least expected it, if you're not looking for love, it'll look for you.

i might just lose you

ph: weheartit

I’m not even really sure how it happened. I’d had plenty of boyfriends before; so many that my friends always told me I was incapable of being alone. It wasn’t that I was addicted to love, it was just that I’d get in too deep to back out. Looking back, I only truly loved one of those boys, and the rest are a blur. I don’t think you’ll ever be part of that blur.

At first, it seemed to start like every other relationship I had. Our friends got involved, saying how great we’d be together. Sure, I was attracted to you, how could I not be? But you seemed arrogant, cocky, too sure of yourself. There didn’t seem to be enough room in your life for your ego and me. But I kissed you anyway.

It wasn’t the can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of kiss one would expect from the boy they were soon to fall in love with. It was a good kiss. It kept me interested. So we kept going: hanging out on the field for most of those September nights, spreading out a blanket on the grass and looking at the stars, laughing as we became familiar with each other. I guess neither of us ever thought it would evolve the way it did. The sense of carelessness just added to the momentum; I fell for you so hard.

It’s ironic now, that you were the one who wanted to label us as an official couple first. I was soon going to learn how scared a serious relationship made you. You couldn’t deal with your emotions, you couldn’t let anyone in. The tough shell you built around yourself challenged me. I knew there was a sensitive boy behind those walls and I was determined to find him and, eventually, to love him.

The fights started coming in higher doses, until I decided I was done with the hurt. You couldn’t admit to yourself that you cared and I couldn’t tell you something you didn’t know yourself. I left for two months, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. When you sent me that message, saying I was right and you had made a terrible mistake and needed me back, that was the first time I ever cried over you. I’d never cried over a boy before. I’d never been hurt like I had been with you. I had never had a real pain in my stomach because I missed anyone as much as I missed you.

When we finally got back together, we held back, so much so that it didn’t seem like we were to last. Summer was coming and we were scared. What was the point in falling if I was just going to have to pick up the pieces again? But you realized you had been wrong all along. We started spending more and more time together, and as spring came, our relationship bloomed like I could have never predicted.

Summer came, but we got through it together. Traveling to see each other every weekend left such a strong sense of emptiness each time we were apart that the anticipation of seeing you again just fueled our love even further. I suddenly felt closer to you than I had ever felt. I could be weird and crazy and dramatic and ditzy and serious and pensive and you wouldn’t even blink an eye. You accepted me for whatever I chose to be, and the comfort I felt around you will never be matched. I’m going to miss snuggling and just being in your arms; trying to force you to watch Dear John and making fun of you when you cave; the tiny patch of purple zigzags on your back; your blue eyes standing out when you wear the Patagonia I gave you for Christmas; the genuine giggle you let out when I tickle your collarbone; the maturity and confidence I see when you’re talking to daddy; your jokes about being middle-aged with me and not being scared when I told you that crazy psychic said we were soul-mates; how you tell me everything’s okay, even when it so clearly isn’t.

Because you’re going away to school and I might just lose you this time.

Al.

i'd give anything to bring it back

ph: weheartit

I spent a good fifteen minutes just staring at the blank, white empty email awaiting my love story. Or not so love story. I wish I knew what i wanted to say, and it's not even that I have nothing to say, it's just my head is currently such a busy, crowded street with feelings and emotions bouncing off of each other.

I don't know what happened to us. It's like being in a car, driving down hill, and having the breaks go out. You just want it to stop, you want everything to be okay, you want to make it out alive but with the way things are going, it just doesn't seem like such a hopeful situation. But at this point it doesn't even matter because truthfully, I already feel dead. If my heart is still beating, i can't feel it anymore.

We started like any typical couple, except maybe we were jaded from the start. You were twenty one with a good heart, a contagious laugh, a huge fear of relationships, having never even come close to having one. I was healing with little to no hope in love, but you opened me back up and helped pick up the pieces. You were new and sweet and naive and just wonderful. I fell so in love with you, so easily. Your smile helped with that. I had never seen such a beautiful smile, and when you smiled my whole world just lit up. I miss that smile, I haven't seen it in quite some time now. We were just perfect together. We made people jealous and probably sick to their stomach with how cute we were. I miss us, I miss us so much.

But somehow, at some point, everything just started to fall apart. And now those old memories are like walking past your old home where happy thoughts and love used to dwell, and now it's just an old abandoned house with weeds and broken windows and an empty, hollow, sad inside. It absolutely started the day I had to go away to school. Distance kills love. I truly believe that. And especially with us just starting out. We had a month to hold on to each other before I had to be away from you, and i warned you that this would be hard, that it would ruin us, but we blindly took that leap together, ignoring every warning sign. We tried. We tried so hard but come May, things were so bad, and my homecoming- which we thought would save us- just broke us down even further. The insecurities and exhaustion from the distance carried over, the little fights began, then you started to give up ever so slowly. You started to emotionally pull yourself out of the relationship until I was basically alone. I felt like I was in love with a ghost. That beautiful, bright smile was so dim now.

I guess it just became too much for you. This being your first relationship, you had no idea how to handle the rough patches. You truly believed that relationships should always be perfect and that if problems exist, the relationship isn't right. You are a complete idiot to believe that, i hope you know. From then on you just turned cold, and angry, and void. You hated communication and the second I wanted to open up about my feelings, you would just shut down and ignore me or just yell at me. I think that is what holds us back so much. You need communication in a relationship and without it, you'll go nowhere. I felt dissatisfied and hopeless and foolish. I just wanted a sign from you, anything, a kiss, a touch, flowers, a text message- ANYTHING to show me that you still cared, that you still wanted this. I wanted you to fight for me instead of with me. But you can't make someone love you, you can't make someone fight for you. I'm not perfect, I had my flaws, but i never gave up.

And then I came home one night to flowers on my doorstep and a beautiful note. You told me you loved me and that you'd love me through any situation, that we'd work through this and "let's make this count." I still hold on to that note, i still read it every day because for a second I saw the boy I had fallen so deeply in love with. Just for a second though. It wasn't much longer after that you wanted space, and then you started saying you were confused, and then you wanted to leave. We sat outside on your porch, the rain falling down just for us, and you cried and cried and cried. I'll never understand how someone can leave someone, but be sad about it. If it hurts you to leave someone, why can't you just stay and put effort in the relationship? I don't understand it, probably because I've never been one to give up on love no matter how many times love wants to give up on me. I just can't. Once you have my heart, you have my heart and I'd do anything to keep that heart with you.

We've been together a year now. We agreed to keep trying, but it's been the same story ever since. You're still confused, you still want space, and my heart still doesn't want to let go. You keep trying to give up, but only because for you it's easier than working on something. I'm so sick of putting my heart fully into something just to be disappointed all the time. I think disappointment is one of the most painful emotions to deal with. I wish I meant more, I used to mean more. I wish I was worth something. All I've ever known is people leaving and i never wanted you to fall in that category. You're not even the same boy anymore. You're even starting to look different to me. I just wish I had the strength to walk away. I wish I could just give up on you, like you give up on me...on us. But no matter how many times you tell me you can't do this anymore, I end up back on your doorstep, fighting my ass off for you, trying to convince you that this will get better, that we can make it, because i have hope and sometimes that's all you really need. Call me crazy, or pathetic, or stupid... I am all of the above, but i can't let go, I just can't.

I have this stupid image of us in my head, hand in hand, looking back at this time and laughing it off like a bad dream. I just want everything to be okay, I just want us to work out, I just want you.

By the time this story gets published, I'm sure you'll have left me again, but I hope not. I hope just this once love is enough. I'd give anything to bring it back to the way it was in the beginning. Can that even happen? Is it possible for a relationship to hit such a low point and end up better than before? Probably not. And if it were possible, it'd probably require both individuals to want it enough and with your constant giving up, hope is paper thin.

I don't even want my heart anymore, you can just take it and run.

what do I do now?

ph: wehearit

I love love love your blog and love looking and reading all the little details, especially the comments underneath, it is such a great way to know your not alone sometimes and that everyone goes through these tricky situations. My current situation is a very long story, and a rather complicated one too. I feel I am so out of control and stuck and like everything has gone not the way I planned, and I have no idea what to do. What is real love? Why does the heart trick me? This is my story ....

When I was a 14 I fell for a boy older than me ( he was 18), we hung out for a few months one summer before his friends started to give him stick for us hanging out. Nothing sexual ever happened between us, although I was sure he was the one. He told me one day that nothing could happen between us because of our age and, what I see as selfless, he said I should go on and live my life and that maybe one day in the future when timing was better and age was not a problem we could be together. I was heart broken, that was that, done, gone, he stopped replying to my texts and calls. I was gutted and it took me sleepless nights of tears to get over him.

My darling lovely boyfriend, we met at school when I was 16, and it was fairy tale love from the start. Nothing kept us apart, it really was the best relationship. Honesty, friendship, communication, love. My first. It was amazing. He made me so happy, he adored me. It was perfect. Then we grew up, as childhood sweethearts, and now in my 20's I have the natural nagging feeling I get when he annoys me, or takes me for granted. After 6 years its not the same as it was. Same old story, my heart wanting to let go, his heart not letting me go. I feel trapped. But he is so sweet to me, he is so good to, too good that it makes it hard to want to end it, even though I feel trapped and wanting to fly my wings on my own without his loving restriction.

And then out of nowhere 'he' is back in my life, my friend from all those years ago, suddenly the chemistry is back, its so good, those butterflies which i hadn't experienced in years were back, with more force than ever. It was thrilling. But i made a mistake, a terrible mistake, not knowing what my head and my heart want I broke the relationship trust, I made an error in action, but not once, but twice, on two different occasions. And now i've become 'that' person. The person everyone in a relationship hates, the person we all think of in disgust, because I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment with an old flame during a rocky patch in my relationship.

What do I do now? Do i cut him out my life, my first real love who I never got to have anything with because of bad timing and age difference. He says he's sorry for putting me in this position, and that he'll respect whatever I decide. He hasn't put any pressure on me to break up with my boyfriend.

My darling on the other hand, had no idea, he knows that i've been a bit of a mess with deciding what i want in life, but he has stood by me waiting for me to come back and be his sweetheart. On some occasions I am on his sweetheart, not how we used to be, but we have an amazing history together which I never want to give up, or destroy or harm in anyway ... but i suppose I have already broken it haven't I ?

What do I do? i'm so split, one part of me says cut out the old flame and don't ruin what I have, and what could be amazing for a bit longer OR break off what clearly hasn't worked for along time, and take things slow with this old flame and see what happens. I don't feel like i deserve the love of my boyfriend, but i don't know if i can handle dealing with his broken heart on top of mine, it might kill me, i will be a mess.

Do i come clean about my mistakes ? Or carry on as normal ?

I've been so lost and confused for so long now, i am moving abroad for a year in a few months to get some head space, drastic I know, but that's what it has come down to. I just don't know if i can wait till then to decide what to do ...

a lost little soul x

i'm not going anywhere.

ph: weheartit

Something my amazing boyfriend sent me: *

"I like you a whole ton, cuz you accept me for me and would never try to change me, you make me do my homework so that I can get good grades, you got me to fill out scholarships, because I know I can just be myself with you and you'll be totally happy with that, because you accept my flaws, because even though I'm afraid of being awkward I know even if I do something awkward you won't make me feel bad, because you ask what I think of your friends cuz you want me to like them, because you came up to my work before we were dating, because you've been there for me when I needed you for like the past 2 years, because you listen to me talk about Mary and don't get jealous or say stupid things like "you're not over her" type stuff, because you don't put up with bullshit so I know 99.98% of the time you won't give me any, because I don't have to constantly worry about upsetting you, because you are beautiful and you know it but you don't want to sound like a bitch self centered person, because you don't fish for compliments, because you really couldn't care less what other people think, because you did that drama thing in subway yelling about a moose, because you play cod and don't get upset that I played while you were doing homework, because you've made me 2 mix cd's, because I feel very well like when we hug, because you remind me that you like me daily, even though I'd have to be a complete idiot to forget :) "

A couple texts I've woken up to:
"Good Morning Scarlett Hunt, have I ever mentioned that I like you? Well in case I haven't, I like you, very much, please never leave. THANKS - Kennen"
"Scarlett... I love you"

I think that last one is my favorite. He rarely tells me he loves me because he believes that saying it too much will make it less special, and he's right. Because I hear it so few times, I still get overwhelmed with happiness any time he tells me. I think it's a technique that everyone should use.

So I'm 18 and I've found true, pure, honest love. I'm going to do my best to keep it. Kennen means more to me than sleep, and I LOVE sleep. He's the only boy I've ever been able to picture myself marrying, though we've both agreed that we don't want to do anything that serious until we're out of college. We agree on most important things, and we balance each other well. He helps me be goofy and happy while I help him get down to business. We also know how to keep friends while being in a relationship. If I were to give someone advice about love without having them ask me a specific question, I'd tell them to make sure that you can find the right balance, not just with each other but with the rest of the world. You have to keep other people around because you don't want to be left alone if something goes wrong. Also, age doesn't matter. You can find love no matter how old you are. It may not be the same kind of love that someone else finds, but you can certainly have your own. And when you do find it, hold on to it. It's the best feeling you'll ever have. If it's taken away, remember that you can find joy again. Very few people marry their first love, and I certainly won't be one of those few, but I think 3rd love is just right for me.

I love you Kennen, and I'm not going anywhere.

* reader submission