Monday, August 15, 2011

i might just lose you

i might just lose you love photo love image hoding hands, http://weheartit.com/entry/6989631/via/bialisal
ph: weheartit

I’m not even really sure how it happened. I’d had plenty of boyfriends before; so many that my friends always told me I was incapable of being alone. It wasn’t that I was addicted to love, it was just that I’d get in too deep to back out. Looking back, I only truly loved one of those boys, and the rest are a blur. I don’t think you’ll ever be part of that blur.

At first, it seemed to start like every other relationship I had. Our friends got involved, saying how great we’d be together. Sure, I was attracted to you, how could I not be? But you seemed arrogant, cocky, too sure of yourself. There didn’t seem to be enough room in your life for your ego and me. But I kissed you anyway.

It wasn’t the can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of kiss one would expect from the boy they were soon to fall in love with. It was a good kiss. It kept me interested. So we kept going: hanging out on the field for most of those September nights, spreading out a blanket on the grass and looking at the stars, laughing as we became familiar with each other. I guess neither of us ever thought it would evolve the way it did. The sense of carelessness just added to the momentum; I fell for you so hard.

It’s ironic now, that you were the one who wanted to label us as an official couple first. I was soon going to learn how scared a serious relationship made you. You couldn’t deal with your emotions, you couldn’t let anyone in. The tough shell you built around yourself challenged me. I knew there was a sensitive boy behind those walls and I was determined to find him and, eventually, to love him.

The fights started coming in higher doses, until I decided I was done with the hurt. You couldn’t admit to yourself that you cared and I couldn’t tell you something you didn’t know yourself. I left for two months, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. When you sent me that message, saying I was right and you had made a terrible mistake and needed me back, that was the first time I ever cried over you. I’d never cried over a boy before. I’d never been hurt like I had been with you. I had never had a real pain in my stomach because I missed anyone as much as I missed you.

When we finally got back together, we held back, so much so that it didn’t seem like we were to last. Summer was coming and we were scared. What was the point in falling if I was just going to have to pick up the pieces again? But you realized you had been wrong all along. We started spending more and more time together, and as spring came, our relationship bloomed like I could have never predicted.

Summer came, but we got through it together. Traveling to see each other every weekend left such a strong sense of emptiness each time we were apart that the anticipation of seeing you again just fueled our love even further. I suddenly felt closer to you than I had ever felt. I could be weird and crazy and dramatic and ditzy and serious and pensive and you wouldn’t even blink an eye. You accepted me for whatever I chose to be, and the comfort I felt around you will never be matched. I’m going to miss snuggling and just being in your arms; trying to force you to watch Dear John and making fun of you when you cave; the tiny patch of purple zigzags on your back; your blue eyes standing out when you wear the Patagonia I gave you for Christmas; the genuine giggle you let out when I tickle your collarbone; the maturity and confidence I see when you’re talking to daddy; your jokes about being middle-aged with me and not being scared when I told you that crazy psychic said we were soul-mates; how you tell me everything’s okay, even when it so clearly isn’t.

Because you’re going away to school and I might just lose you this time.

Al.

15 comments:

  1. this is literally my story too.
    thank god someone else out there has been through the same thing

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love the It Takes Two reference :) And like the previous commenter, I can also relate to a lot of aspects of this story. x.

    ReplyDelete
  3. wow.. i cried. you are talking about my boyfriend now, right?

    ReplyDelete
  4. listen to this song... I think is good for the blog! ;) (in case you hadnt hear it yet...)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLY0eUtVlXo

    xxxo



    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLY0eUtVlXo

    ReplyDelete
  5. Don't give up.. Just don't ever give up ! You have come a long way.. Get it through together with him just like both of you did in the summer ! All the best ! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. The kind of love story I'd read while listening to romantic folks tunes. Stay strong. Girls feelings are the kinds no boys can fully understand.

    Hello btw, nice blog and choices of photographs.

    ReplyDelete
  7. this is so much alike my own love stories and the relationship I'm in atm.
    My boyfriend and I are very close, but he just left for a whole year in the army, and I'm so afraid we won't make it. I love him so much I'd give up my dreams if I had to, just to be with him.
    Seven weeks left, and he will come home for a short trip. It's so long and I can't wait! But I will :) <3
    I hope we will make it, we have to! :)

    I pray for yours to last as well :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. also going through the exact same thing. We've only been dating for four months but they truly have been the best four months of my life. He's changed me, not to mention he's my first serious relationship. He just left for school last week.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Just keep fighting and don't ever give up. If you're really meant to be you can make it through this. I left home a month ago to spend a year in the US and my boyfriend is still at home, thousands of miles away. We wont see each other in another 9 months. It's hard and I'm scared but I believe in us and if we want to, we can make it. So can you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ohh my goshh !!! I went through the exact same thing .. Except he went to school and we lost each other :( although it wasnt completely him going away that faulted our relationship. We had our issues with our parents :/ and thats what was also a deciding factor for our relationship. All you can do is love each other unconditionally <3 I hope it works out for you two!! :) all my love - courtney

    ReplyDelete
  11. You know, I'm thinking maybe not. Maybe you won't loose him. Crazier things have happened. Actually, they happen all the time. Keep the dream and the love alive. Good luck. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I can relate easily to this story.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You CAN do this! I know it!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Just take of your heart but take also a risk. Loving someone is taking a risk cause love is sometimes a truth and sometimes a dreams.

    ReplyDelete
  15. http://freeluckyeasy.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...