wonderful things can end

ph: weheartit

i have been working the same retail job for four years, and nothing exciting like this has ever happened. i met him on july 9, 2011. i was working my usual shift, helping no one and wasting my time away folding clothes when the most handsome guy walked through my store doors. he said he really needed help, that he was going to a wedding in an hour (ohh men) and he didn't have anything to wear. i graciously said i would offer help to this adorable guy, helping him choose a shirt and tie for his formal affair. throughout the process, we shamelessly flirted and exchanged simple bits of information with each other. he got my name and i got his. i then steamed his shirt, he paid and left. never asking me for my number, i felt silly and confused at the same time. what did i possibly do wrong? we hit it off so insanely well! nonetheless, i got on with my life and came back the following day for another long shift of folding clothes. this time, i was situated in the back room, counting and tagging merchandise, without exposure to the outside world. all of a sudden one of the girls that works with me came back and said, 'hey, your friend is here to talk to you'. now, i have no friends that stop by my place of work out of the blue, so with a puzzled mind i asked her who it was. she replied that it was the guy that came in yesterday looking for the shirt and tie. my heart stopped, my face grew red and before i knew it i was slinking out onto the sales floor after my prince charming. 'so, i'm assuming you have a boyfriend' that's the first line that came out of his mouth when i greeted him. i quickly replied no, and with a shocked face he preceded to tell me how he felt so stupid for leaving without asking for my number, and thought about me the entire time at this wedding. feeling like a thousand butterflies were fluttering about my stomach, he asked to take me to dinner, and i excitedly gave my number and told him i would love that. it was love at first sight, and i was convinced i found the one.

from here on out, things grew beautifully between us. he called me immediately and asked me to dinner. took me to the most adorable tuscan restaurant, and texted me as soon as i got to my car telling me he had the best time and couldn't wait to do this again. i know it sounds crazy, but after that first date i was head over heels, madly in love with a stranger. he was my soulmate, and i had been searching for him for so long.

within the next month, we had a great time. laughed, kissed, grew to knew each other and our families. everything seemed to be too good to be true. and with that being said, it was. things between him and i moved so quickly it was kind of unreal. within two months, things started to go downhill really fast. he wouldn't commit. he begged me to meet his parents, invited me to a wedding that was two months away, and told me that i was the one he wanted to marry. he said i was so different and so perfect, he cannot believe how lucky he was to find me. but, with all this being said, he did not want me as his girlfriend.

i shrugged it off a couple of weeks, but it soon began to eat me away inside. what was wrong with me? why didn't he want me? what was I doing wrong? i became obsessed with trying to figure out what the issue was, and with him being two years younger than i, and a junior in college, i figured it was just his immature age. he kept telling me things just went too fast, and he needed time to think about what he wanted. i let him give me this excuse for a couple of weeks, and then after two and a half months, and countless tears later, i called it quits. here i was, completely in love, with someone who told me he wanted me forever as his wife, and he didn't want me.

sometimes things work out, and sometimes they don't. maybe his and my timing was just off. because i know what we had was unreal. now, i am just happy to have experienced such a feeling of admiration and love....what i learned was that..wonderful things can end, even quicker than they began.

like bubbles

ph: weheartit

I hereby stop thinking of boys. Stop thinking that "maybe there’s still someone out there for me", making up scenarios in my head about how I could meet someone, about how it would be to be with someone. I hereby stop falling in love with boys that do in fact exist, but which I give nonexistent fantastic personalities in my mind, without even knowing them. I will now stop doing all of this, thinking and dreaming about all of this. It’s only taking precious time that could be used in some other way. It’s only taking my energy and making me hope for things that cannot, and probably will not happen. These thoughts are like bubbles, hurting me when they break and when I realize that it was always only in my head and never for real. I hereby stop doing this. If I am to experience love, I want it to be for real. And if I’m not, well that sucks, but life goes on, and I like to believe that there’s more to it than falling in love. From now on, I’m going to stop making up all these dreams, and going to focus on the reality instead. Life can be so much more, and you have only one, so why waste it on this pointless dreaming. It may sound harsh, but I’m done with these dreams now. They give me nothing but a heartache.

I’m not giving up on love. And I know that dreams can be a wonderful way to escape reality. I just don’t want for them to take over. I don’t want to hold on to these dream-bubbles and make myself fly so high that I won’t survive the fall.

Sanna

looking ahead

ph: weheartit

It’s amazing what I put the one I love through.

Honestly.

I’m so sorry, sweetheart.

I’m fine, and all of a sudden my insecurities are touched, and C the Bitch comes out to play.

And I know I’m not the first to realize that getting so near-and-dear in a relationship suddenly brings out the worst in you. Is it really the worst? Or is it that your significant other suddenly has access to your greatest hopes and fears? Oh, how often you’re split! How you throw your shoulders back, taking poised steps, oozing with appeal, and in the same day sob into your pillow and hold your middle and scorn your belly fat, completely itching to be outside of your own skin.

Now, you’ve slowly given over to letting that person in, letting him in, letting him in, ‘til all in one instant you realize he has access to your very tender heart. The inner workings of your brain are now laid open for him to dissect. And strangely, he is still there. Through all your tumultuous mood swings and honest-to-god shit.

And then you wonder (maybe YOU don’t, ye reader, but I sure do…) when the day will come that he will discover something that he actually can’t handle. Maybe the way you, American girl, twirl your pasta around your fork (instead of poshly and precisely twisting it into a spoon) will finally push him over the edge of insanity. Maybe one day the cute accent in which you pronounce the not-quite-yet familiar German vocabulary will no longer be as adorable as he thinks it is now.

Maybe one day he’ll realize that all the things from your past are always, always going to be there. Maybe not in the room, sitting haughtily on your couch and laughing as you try to have a genuine and fresh conversation. Maybe not in the field overlooking the city sunset as you whisper sweet things. But sometimes they come walking around the corner when you least expect them. Sometimes they turn up in familiar old smells and sporadic old songs and childhood rooms. And then, lady. Then you are done for. They never call and warn you of their short and slicing visit. You´ll bleed and bleed for days. Sooo slowly, that scab forms. And they laugh bitterly, those songs and smells and rooms, because they know there is nothing you can do about the surprise damage to your person. You don´t want to have to always be prepared for the storm.

And I forgot, until a few days ago, how being in a relationship means one is now responsible for how her actions and emotional release of inhibition so directly affect the mien of her companion.

I don’t like to be this way.

I’m not the vulnerable type, though I feign it quite easily. I’m open, very open! But only to a certain extent, that I can control. Love is letting go of that control and jumping off that cliff without a parachute. It’s a beautiful and terribly scary thing. He can’t promise never to hurt me. He’s human. He can’t promise never to leave~ one day, someday, maybe sooner but hopefully later, death will take both of us. He can’t promise me security and stability, though we both have dreams of what this life could be. He can promise me tomorrow as much as I can promise never to get in a car accident. Oh, but I want him here with me forever…

Why do I feel like, I am too happy? That the only reason I am happy is because it isn’t going to last?

I asked you that, the other day…and you said “shh, shhh, mein Sonnenschein. I’m looking ahead and all I know is that there’s you and me, and it’s bright and beautiful.”

Life with you will be far too short.

~C

what to do?

ph: weheartit

To all women who are still waiting for their knight in shining armour...

I met him - my knight in shining armour – a while ago. The one we all know about, riding on a white horse, coming to sweep me off my feet. Of course, he did sweep me off my feet, made my knees weak..all that stuff. For a while I was the happiest girl on the planet…until I realised, of course, it is not real. So to all those girls who still believe there is such thing as a knight in shining armour – Don’t. It may seem real for a while but that’s just until reality kicks in.

You see, he does love me and I do love him. But no matter what people say, love isn’t always good enough reason to stay with someone. I met him when we were both with someone else and weirdly enough, it was the best time we could have met. We tried to be friends and we were the worst friends the world has ever seen. We just couldn’t help it. He left his girlfriend to be with me. You know how people say that if a guy wants to be with you he would do anything possible just so he can really be with you? Well, he did. He told me that even if I decide to stay with the other guy and even if it’s for a long time, he’d still wait, because I was worth it. And he did, he waited for me to decide what I want to do. Of course all the time I wanted to be with him, I just wasn’t sure I can trust him. But I left all my insecurities so we can be together. And for a while, I was the happiest I have ever been. He is the sort of guy every girl would dream of, the perfect boyfriend – he made me breakfast in bed without me asking for it. I didn’t celebrate my last birthday because I lost someone from my family the same day. Few days after he made me a cake and bought balloons for me – he told me he didn’t want me to remember my birthday with something so sad, so he even gave me a present. I hardly knew him then. He likes films like ‘A lot like love’. He sat to watch ‘how to lose a guy in 10 days’ with me, because he likes the film. He loves cuddles. And genuinely loves all this. He tells me he misses me, he tells me he loves me, and he promised to do whatever he can to make me happy. You get the idea, the perfect boyfriend.

That was until I realised he is more in love with the idea of being with someone, of being in a relationship than he is in love with me. That’s how he is, how he’s always been. It just took me a while to realise that. Sure he cares and he loves me. But I recently realised he can’t be alone; he has not been single for years – jumping from one long term relationship to another. But he keeps hurting me without realising. I had to live through the millions text from his exgirlfriend and there was nothing i could say because I was the one who got in the way of their relationship in the first place. I had to just accept the fact she appeared on his door in 4 in the morning, crying, begging to get back with him. I was there for him when he was offered a job he deserved then the company decided to unfairly give it to his best friend instead. I still am there for him for all that. But he doesn’t realise how much all this stuff is hurting me. Or even after I tell him how much it upsets me, he still does it. He is just the sort of person who has to be nice to everyone, that’s just the way he is. And I keep telling myself that it is nothing, and that whatever has upset me will just go away with time. But I am not sure I can do that anymore. I am going away for a month to another country in two weeks to do a work experience..and I really am not sure we are gonna get through it. Or more like, that I can get through it.

I just don’t know what to do. I am in love with him, I can’t imagine losing him but I can’t keep on doubting stuff. I am stuck in a dead end street. Tell me what to do?


-Love,
A.

listen to your intuition

ph: weheartit

I used to be the girl that hoped for the most amazing love; and when I met him, I knew I'd found it. He was everything a young girl would fall for: mysterious, unattainable, older, good looking, and such a smooth talker. Being a young girl in high school, it didn't take me long before I couldn't get him off my mind, before I caught myself waiting by the phone for his text message, before I started changing myself to accommodate his expectations. He became my addiction, and I could not stop thinking about him. The first time we hooked up, I was more than ecstatic because that validated that he (or at least, I thought) had feelings for me too, and that he wanted me as well. Right before he kissed me, he said, "I don't want a relationship, but I want you." Being the naive sixteen year old that I was, I took that with a grain of salt, thinking to myself that I could easily change his mind. I just wanted him so badly - it's like, when they say don't push the big red button, its all you want to do. Everyone warned me about him, about how he was a player, about how he was emotionally unavailable, but I was determined to be the exception. I was determined to change that about him. I wanted to be the girl who the player fell in love with - because I knew I could be that girl.

We continued to hook up all the time, but he still wasn't budging. I was giving him everything: hook ups whenever he wanted, but with no strings attached - he got to keep his options open while getting the pretty blonde sixteen year old that no other guy had ever come close to getting.

Why did I let him do this to me? Still, to this day, it baffles me. I was taking from him what I could get, because I liked him so fucking much. He treated me like a friend, he talked to and texted crazy amounts of other girls, used me as a last resort to his plans, but still got me. One hundred percent of me. And I hardly ever even got a stitch of him. He was an asshole, he was a douche bag, he was a jerk. Don't get me wrong though, he was real nice about it - always made sure I knew that the "only reason" why he wouldn't date me was because of school. I knew deep down that was bullshit - my mom always told me, "if a guy really likes you, no matter what is in the way, he will get you. He will WANT to be with you. No matter what." This boy was a master manipulator, and you know, the players always are. They know exactly what to say to the girls who like them to get them exactly where they want. He knew I liked him so much, and he took advantage of it.

And at the end of the day, I ended up with nothing. Why? Because I got fed up - confronted him and put my foot down. I told him it was either all or nothing with me, and he chose nothing. After everything I did for him, after all the bullshit I put up with, he wanted nothing. He said, "you know, to be completely honest, I don't think I ever liked you nearly as much as you liked me." After ages of caring about him, the next day, he was already with someone else.

Here's a word of advice to all those naive girls out there: listen to your intuition. When the red flags come up, don't ignore them. Listen to what people say. Because although infatuation may be the strongest emotion you'll ever feel, heartbreak is much, much more painful, and takes much longer to conquer. I didn't listen to my gut, I didn't listen to my head. I listened to my heart, and I got burnt. I got burnt.

I'm still getting over the heartbreak, I take it day by day. Some days are worse than others, there will be times where I'll wake up in the middle of the night screaming thoughts in my mind about him. Other times I'll be able to put things into perspective and know that I can do better. The player will have a power over you like no one else - he'll be able to make you feel like you're the one at fault, like you're worthless, like you're the one who fucked everything up.

Don't date the player.

Please.

-S