Saturday, July 30, 2011

doubts

doubts love photo love image tamedblossom, http://www.flickr.com/photos/tamedblossom/3920408718/in/gallery-65886846@N03-72157627320471453/
ph: tamedblossom


love can be so complicated, and i wrote this letter with need of advice from a loving friend across the sea in the city of love, paris. not only does she understand my relationship because she helped introduce me and my boyfriend, but she is my best friend and waited six years for the man she loved to love her back.

so, several times we have both discussed what its like knowing the person you are going to marry, with your knowledge unwavering, and mine much more unsure. regardless, i have been pushing through this long distance relationship, because crying to myself about how much i miss chris makes me realize how important he is to me and how much i love him. however, not a
day goes by that i don't think about the possibility that i am "wasting" time on him, because technically we can't be together till he goes to grad school/i graduate aka two years from now. and i wonder if he is the person i am going to marry, because if so, then all this pain is worth it and i know god has a plan for this. i won't deny the fact that being long distance has taught me things about him that i never knew seeing him daily, and its forced us to use words more than ever before. but i also can't deny the pain, the annoyance when i see other couples together, and my doubts which only just worsened now and caused me to write this all out.

so today, i was talking about marriage at kirsten's house with her and larry. and she asked me about what chris always says if it ever comes up, and truth be told, he always says "ew" when his friends get married at young ages. ok, yes he's a boy who hasn't walked around dreaming of the
perfect wedding dress and the playlist to dance the magical night away ending with flying lanterns like in tangled, (ok that's me) buttt i mean i know he's a family guy. so tonight when we were skyping i asked him how old he thinks he will be when he gets married. and he said "i don't know, it depends on the situation", and i said that i expect myself to be young. as we talked about this he said that getting married would stop him from doing things he wanted to, and so naturally i wanted to know what these things were and he said going to grad school. now this just sent me for a loop because i always envisioned our engagement beginning after i graduate and
ending shortly after ( i hate long engagements as you know). i don't even know what to think now, i was like why can't you be married during graduate school, and he said that 80% or some number similar of marriages end during law school and he never would want to be a part of that. ok that's nice that he thinks ahead - but this puts me out three additional years...

most people would respond with, so what if you know then its worth the wait. but that's five-six years from now. thats a lifetime away, and who is to say that we'll even be the same people then. and i know its dumb for me to sit here planning my life away but i can't help it. life is too short to
be anything but happy and with the person you love. so i guess i'm just asking for your thoughts on this subject, if being faithful through the pain is going to be worth it in your opinion. it was weird cause i prayed about it in church the other day, and that was my answer - faithful through
the easy and hard times. but the thing is, as clear as that answer was, i still question this future plan. shouldn't i already know if he is "the one"? i feel as though you should just know, and frankly i can see myself married to him, but i also have doubts. and i always say that anything less than a yes is a no.

love across the atlantic.

31 comments:

  1. you're still so young, you don't need to even be thinking about marriage yet! it is of course possible that you won't end of marrying this guy, but that doesn't mean carrying on your relationship is a waste of time. each relationship you have is a learning experience and helps you to work out what you do and don't want from a guy. if he makes you happy then don't let him go, you will regret it.

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  2. a friend of mine once told me that she looks at a relationship as something growing, not something that needs to be maintained. it sounds like you are still growing, even with the distance. but it also sounds like you expect yourselves to stay the same once you are married. you're worried about putting off your marriage because you might be different people in six years, but who is to say that you wouldn't be different people even if you were married?

    it sounds like you're overthinking this by looking so far forward. maybe take a step back, enjoy what you have right now. if it ever becomes less than what you want, that would be the time to reconsider.

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  3. I'm much older than you and I've learned that you can't plan everything; especially, someone elses life. I say live in the moment...take it in...enjoy every moment of joy and happiness. Focus on your goals and your dreams will follow.

    Life is a journey!

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  4. Four months ago, I ended my relationship with the man I know I'll marry. The distance became trying and we spent more time arguing or upset than we did happy. Of course distance is hard, its one of the biggest tests a relationship can be put through. I saw the distance slowly eating away at all of the beautiful aspects of our relationship. So I ended it.
    We spent two months not speaking. It was awful and painful, and above all, lonely. He was my best friend for 2 years before we decided to date. I found myself still going to text him and call him to tell him about my day. That yearning lessened when I heard he started dating other people.
    Two months go by and I text him to tell him I'll be in town and I can drop off some of his stuff. You know what one question he asked me, the one thing he wanted to know more than if I was dating someone or if I'd slept with anyone else? He asked me, "When you imagine yourself walking down that aisle in that beautiful white dress you've dreamed of, am I still at the end of it?"
    And he was. He always was and always will be. In that moment I knew that regardless of what happened, we would find our way back to each other. My heart has really never belonged to anyone else. Right now he just needs to go his way and I need to go mine. But no one else makes me laugh the way he does, I will never feel more beautiful than I do when he looks at me, no one will ever be able to see into my soul the way he does with just one glance.
    Sometimes its not a matter of knowing its them, its knowing that it could never be anyone else.

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  5. If you don't know if he's "the one", so he isn't, girl.
    If you've got doubts, so it's not the way it should be.
    Enjoy him as much as you can, but you need to know that it's not gonna last forever. And if it last, it won't be as perfect as it could be with the right person.

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  6. I met my boyfriend at 17 and now we are 19. I'm scared that I met the love of my life too soon and I sometimes wish I met him around 23 so we could get married sooner. But I realized it didn't matter when we get married because we are forever, we have a lifetime of happiness just me and him, so why do we have to rush and worry about marriage now? The best thing to do is to enjoy the time you have with him as boyfriend and girlfriend. I think you should stop calculating and planning when you are going to get married. Guys don't particularly like that.

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  7. I think its quite natural to have doubts about whether he is the one or not. I have asked myself this same question a lot, but the truth is that you never know 100%. there are very few things in life that you can know about without a doubt.
    You're not a forture teller, you don't know what will happen in the future.
    If he says that marriage will tie him down or prevent him from doing things that he wants to do, then let him figure out on his own that it will not. I am not saying break up. I am saying just let him come to the conclusion that marriage is not a trap (on his own)...that's what I had to figure out too.
    People often think that marriage is the end of the line..that you have to immediately abandon all your 'selfish' dreams and focus on 'us' and to a certain degree its true, but you can still be individuals.
    But I don't think you should feel like you are wasting time by being with each other, because if you are enjoying your life while being together...then that's a pretty awesome thing.
    Hope this rambling helps somehow.

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  8. Does he make you laugh? Do you know each other well? Are you the only one for him? Does he make you feel special? Do you love him?
    If the answer is yes to all those questions, then getting married or not some time in the future really doesn't matter. What matters is now and if he makes you happy and make you feel like you know what love is, that's all you need. Treasure what you have now.
    Actually, the tables are turned in my situation - my boyfriend wants to get married in two years and I want to wait at least seven. I often become uncomfortable when he starts talking about it because, simply because, I am not ready. I'm just not ready.
    Good luck x

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  9. you fucking dork!! nobody gets marriage when they are young. THATS STUPID! Just those fucking religious people want that... HAHAHAHA

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  10. Hi =]
    Right now you two are in different places, him traveling the world and you ready to stop and settle in. But a place where you both are, is wherever he goes you are with him (in his heart.) Love holds you two together, your mind has obviously developed a lot faster, thinking about marrage, no it is not stupid. If you love him, he is worth a lifetime of waiting, because if you're there for him (till wedding bells ring) That tells him: you're never going to leave his side 'till death due us part'

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  11. Don't worry about having doubts. Not all of us will be 110 % sure about the person we spend our lives with. Some of us are doubters. Some of us worry. Some of us realise that we will NEVER be 110 % sure. But it doesn't really matter, because being 110 % is no guarantee for anything - it doesn't mean you'll do better at solving problems. And being sure now doesn't mean you'll be sure later. Every relationship has moments of doubt - it's natural. If you never second-guessed it, you could never come to the conclusion that you wanted to be with that person.

    The way I see it, long distance is hard. And making plans during long distance is so tempting, because you don't just get to live in the moment. Your relationship becomes just planning everything - when you'll see each other and when you'll say goodbye. Not making plans, I found, was almost impossible during my long distance period with my boyfriend. But it feels futile to do so, because you're still stuck far away and making grand plans about engagement will only get you so far. Try - and I know it's hard - to just, let it be for a little while. Discuss it when you see each other, maybe.

    But the most important thing is not to worry about not feeling sure. I had so many doubts when I was a way from my boyfriend. I couldn't see him, I couldn't feel the happiness I feel when I'm with him, so how was I supposed to be sure? But I did read this wonderful text about feeling 'sure', and it comforted me so much to know that I wasn't the only one who wasn't. If you want, you can read it here: http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/08/weddings-marriage-love-anxiety/
    (don't forget the comments, they're lovely!)

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  12. No offense, but I personally think marriage is overrated. Although I do sometimes wonder if I would want to marry my boyfriend or not. It doesn't matter though. If you love your boyfriend so much that you want to marry him, respect his decisions and wait for him until he is ready. Of course, that calls for selflessness on your part.

    Be happy your man has ambitions. I don't think wanting to marry him shows him you love him. Faith, understanding, and respect do. :)

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  13. the question wouldn't be if he was the one or not. the question for you is: would you like to spend the rest of your life with this person? if yes, then marrige or not wouldn't count.

    people think that if you marry eachother it would be perfect or better or solve problems or... NO. it won't. it's just a ring on your finger, nothing else. doesn't mean you'll be happier. doesn't mean you're closer to him. doesn't mean a damn thing except that you have a freakin' ring more!

    so think about it. is it worth pressure him with something he obviously isn't ready for? the pressure could make him afraid and go away. just drop the whole marrige thing. if you're happy now, then just live at the moment and feel that happiness.

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  14. "that's five-six years from now. thats a lifetime away, and who is to say that we'll even be the same people then."

    You already pointed out why his statistic is accurate about 80% of grad school marriages don't work out.

    Why rush marriage?

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  15. if you really love him, then marriage doesn't really matter, then all that matters is you being with him forever. Sure, everyone needs confirmation and promise of that another person will be with them forever, however, wedding is just a piece of paper. If you love him, then you'll talk to him about this, tell him that you just don't want to feel like your wasting your time if he doesn't want to be with you in the end. Because he'll understand your fears. Good luck!

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  16. To me it sounds like he is still quite immature... from the responses he gave you he doesn't sound all that serious about marrying you. So I think that the two of you are probably not on the same level of commitment.While I do believe in waiting for someone you truly love I also believe that the one you are waiting for should sacrifice for you too. This boy doesn't sound like he wants to take any chances or sacrifice for you. I could be wrong however. In my relationship I have to wait at least 2 years before my boyfriend and I can marry after college. But unlike you I will be able to see my man on weekends. I can't really imagine being separated from him over seas, that must be really really hard. For me personally I have never truly doubted our relationship. I know he was made for me and I him. I have tested him time and time again and while neither of us are perfect, and we do have rough patches, there is no one in the world I'd rather be with, and no one that could handle my moodiness like he does:) I think if you are set on this boy you should wait, but take everything into consideration, what has he done for you? Will he fulfill your needs emotionally these next several years or will the separation be too hard on your relationship? True love is worth waiting for, but true love is a two way street, use your heart and mind! Good luck and God bless!

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  17. I'm 18. My friend is 18, she's married. I'm not married, although I am with a perfect guy (with imperfections) who I could see marrying. We're long distance, quite the situation as yours. We unconditionally love each other. And that's what matters, everyone has doubts, I still have some. Every once in a while he does too. I'm more the conservative type so I won't say those doubts are. Whatever the case may be, we know one another and TRUST each other if one of us want to marry or not we can still say we love each other. Your boyfriend may just be insecure. And it's pretty natural for a girl to feel they want to marry. There's no right time to marry. You just know and feel it when you want to. Trust your feelings. That's all I'm saying.

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  18. first i just wanna say that i feel so very bad for you. i cant even imagine what youre going through. im not like you in the way that i would like to get married younge, but i can only imagine how it feels for someone who does. so anyway. first i would like to say..i think youre focusing to much on the fantasy part. i think youre looking at the future and all you see is marriage. you want the fairytale wedding like you decribed aha (which sounds amazing by the way) and youre not looking at the real picture. you need to look at what comes before that first. you need to fall in love. and i think what you said is right (sadly) that anything less than a yes is a no. i mean sadly its true. i dont know about you but i would want to be 110 percent sure that i want to marry this person. i would want to know its just right and know that i caaaann stay faithful while waiting..and hun im sorry to say but it doesn't seem he feels the same way you do. if he truely truely loved you hed get married to you right then and there and know that youre marriage wont fail just because of law school. so if i were you..if i were in youre shoes..id leave him..id stop thinking about marriage and just think about true honest love..finding that will make the marriage thing seem oh so much better and id try to find the guy that i am sure about with all my might that id wait a million years for him and know that hed wait a million years for me..or that we would get married that very second we decide to and not think about the dream wedding..just think about the love. im sorry if i hurt youre feelings or anything because i know if i were you and i heard someone say this id be very hurt..but thats just me..go with youre instict hun. do what you think is right and i know it will make you happy in the end..i hope i helpedd. good luck sweetheart<3333

    love eva

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  19. why do you want to be married so badly. it's like you want to be married more than you want to be with him

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  20. It's love. You don't need to put a timeline on it. So long as you love a person, then there's no reason you shouldn't be with them, and it's somewhat superficial and selfish to base your relationship on your personal life goals. You make it seem as though if he cannot fit into that framework, then he's not worth being with. Is that fair to him?

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  21. Everyone has doubts, you're never going to be 100% sure about anything. But when you're with him does it feel so right? Does he make you smile and laugh like no one else can? I read this post and well to say the least I am in a very similar position. Long distance does suck, I'll be the first to admit. It's hard. But it's those visits or the few times that you see each other that you know it's all worth it. Don't be stuck on the idea of marriage..there may be another guy out there for you. But don't rule it out either...maybe talk about it the next time your with him. But don't dwell on it too much. If it's really ment to be, it'll all work out. And don't lose faith either..it's important, and it'll help you throu this.

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  22. If he knows about the fact that c. 80% marriages end during law school that, i think,shows two things:
    ...He has taken the time to think about marriage- or else he wouldn't know this fact.
    ...he is desperate not to lose you, because he may think your relationship would end if you got married.
    You can tell from your instinctive reaction when you read the comments what you really think about his decisions- there are a variety of comments here, and just like throwing a coin- it's not the coin that makes the decision for you... it's realising what you wish for the split second when it is flicked.
    All the best,
    x x x x x x x

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  23. the question you should ask yourself is "are you happy"? if the answer is yes, then keep on doing things the way you are right now. but if the answer is no, well.... then you have to change something.

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  24. 5-6 years is a lifetime away? Getting married is promising someone you will be with them for the rest of your life. Don't let the title of marriage bother you. If he is the one, it will be well worth the wait.

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  25. the boy i fell in love with had to leave for 2 years. we are a year into it and honestly it is the hardest thing i've ever done. i have the same problem as you, i can't imagine marrying anyone else, but it seems so long. and how on earth do you know if you'll be still be right for each other when fate finally brings you back together? I don't want to waste my time either. The thing is, i'd rather waste my time waiting on him then with anyone else. I try to keep an open mind, and still look at other boys, but nothing compares to nate. He's worth it to me. I believe God will give you what you want, if you work for it. Do what you want and good will follow. And You're going to end up happy, if not with him with someone else. Fate will take you there, just follow what you love.

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  28. you are too young! honestly, if he's the one, even though he says he would want to wait....things can change. how many times have you thought one thing and changed your mind later? i say, enjoy this time if it's good, don't think about "marriage" and see where it goes for now. you are so young that you have time to figure this out! good luck!

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  29. Enjoy first your youth, when you are old, you will smile about the days when you are young.

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  30. you're worried about placing away your marriage mainly because you may be distinct men and women in 6 years

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