a kind of girl who can't decide

ph: the berry

My heart is beating so fast, when you look at me...
Let's start from the beginning...

I am in a relationship with a boy. A great boy for about 6 years. I fell in love with him when I was in High School. Things where not always great, we are a normal couple. Now I am a student and I moved out to another city 4 years ago. Everything was normal, we saw each other every weekend or rare, I hadn't much time, I was still studying. On the 3rd year I started 2nd faculty. And maybe it was my mistake...

At the end of 1st term, one guy who was looking at me from time to time was sitting and waiting for the Professor. I was certain that he is attending with me to other subject, so I decided to ask about something. He smiled widely, and when I saw his blue eyes I couldn't say anything more. That was the first time I talked with Tony. It was about one year ago. This ordinary boy made a revolution in my heart. We started talk, more and more often. Everytime I see him, he is so happy, he is smiling to me. I noticed he is touching my hand and saying "hi!" Tony is also traveling a lot and I think he has a little understanding for me and my live out of a suitcase.
(My Dad and Grandfather live in other country, I travel a lot since I was born).

When he is sitting next to me I got crazy. His smell, his voice, his apperance, his lips... I always STARE at him. I suppose that he noticed that. I can't stop thinking about him. When I get e-mails from him I'm so happy as stupid child! I am smiling to myself like a full! But he never asked me to go out. I wondered why, couse I'm not a kind of ugly girl, some people says that I am beauty...

What if he did? Should I go? I probably would go... PROBABLY. I know that he's so cute and nice, girls loves him...

I started to have dreams with Tony. Once uppon time I was at awful party with friends from my university, but Tony wasn't there. I had a dream that I was wearing same short white dress, I was at the same party and I wanted to escape, people around me were angry and rude, but Tony came and took me from this mess, then we got into his car and drove away. He was my hero.I am felling appaling regret all a time for my feelings...

I decided to focus onto my relationship with Wade and end up this ridiculous situation in my head&heart. But I stared to see how imperfect Wade was. Our interest were different, he was living in other city, he was far away when I was crying. Also I still remember how bad he used to be, how difficult he was sometimes. I invited Wade and he came to my flat for weekend before Christmas, he was waiting for me till I end my classes. Then we went on a date. We slept in one bed, but my thoughts were far away with Tony. I dreamed about him again. The worst thing was, that Wade was beside me. Tony was waving and smiling to me.

Yesterday I had another dream that we were sitting opposite each other and drinking coffee, looking into our eyes deeply with love. I have a problem with my dreams and reality. I read an interview with Johny Deep, he said: " If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn’t have fallen for the second."

But still I have my Mum's words in my head: "if he wants you, he'll come across river, sea, ocean and he'll be there for you". That's the only reason I can't even move towards him. Me and my pride. Forever and always. I am a kind of girl who can't decide what dress to buy -white or black? Always buying two. It's killing me inside.

P.
___________________________________
Sorry for my english - it's my 3rd language.

I can’t wait for you

ph: flickr

Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep I pick out my favourite memory of us. Of you.

Sometimes it is when I was lying on you and we were laughing so hard that we laughed even more just because it was so fun to laugh. Your smile.

Sometimes it is when we hanged out first time. We were watching Tangled and you predicted every single thing. The way you irritate me.

Sometimes it is when we used to lie in your bed and snuggle. Chest to chest, arms around each other, legs tangled and cheek to cheek. The way you smell.

Sometimes it is when we wrestled and ended up on the floor with me on top. Winning. Even though I know that you would easily beaten me. Your generosity.

Sometimes it is when we were on our way home to your place after a night out, both drunk and I asked you if you would be hung over the next day and you replied “As long as you are next to me it doesn’t matter how bad I am. I’ll be the luckiest guy anyway.”. The way you made me feel.

Sometimes it is when we were walking and you suddenly took my hand as it would have been the most natural thing in the world. How much you mattered to me.

But most of the time it is the last time we kissed. Because I know that it was the last time.

We are both in the US, for now. But you are going to finish your four year of college here and when my only year is over I’ll be going back to Sweden again. You will still have three more years to go. Three more years apart.

I’ll miss you so much and I will never forget you. But I can’t wait for you. Mostly because I can't wait for someone that doesn’t know what he wants. I told you how I felt but you never told me what you felt. I can only guess and I’m guessing – as much as I’m hoping- that you feel the same way I do for you. But guessing and hoping is not something that will keep me waiting for you. I would need you to confirm it. I would need you to say that you love me back. But you can’t and that is why I can’t wait three years for you.

I’m sorry and I hope life will treat you well.

Yours truly.

where your mind goes

ph: hwryttarna

what to do?

ph: weheartit

To all women who are still waiting for their knight in shining armour...

I met him - my knight in shining armour – a while ago. The one we all know about, riding on a white horse, coming to sweep me off my feet. Of course, he did sweep me off my feet, made my knees weak..all that stuff. For a while I was the happiest girl on the planet…until I realised, of course, it is not real. So to all those girls who still believe there is such thing as a knight in shining armour – Don’t. It may seem real for a while but that’s just until reality kicks in.

You see, he does love me and I do love him. But no matter what people say, love isn’t always good enough reason to stay with someone. I met him when we were both with someone else and weirdly enough, it was the best time we could have met. We tried to be friends and we were the worst friends the world has ever seen. We just couldn’t help it. He left his girlfriend to be with me. You know how people say that if a guy wants to be with you he would do anything possible just so he can really be with you? Well, he did. He told me that even if I decide to stay with the other guy and even if it’s for a long time, he’d still wait, because I was worth it. And he did, he waited for me to decide what I want to do. Of course all the time I wanted to be with him, I just wasn’t sure I can trust him. But I left all my insecurities so we can be together. And for a while, I was the happiest I have ever been. He is the sort of guy every girl would dream of, the perfect boyfriend – he made me breakfast in bed without me asking for it. I didn’t celebrate my last birthday because I lost someone from my family the same day. Few days after he made me a cake and bought balloons for me – he told me he didn’t want me to remember my birthday with something so sad, so he even gave me a present. I hardly knew him then. He likes films like ‘A lot like love’. He sat to watch ‘how to lose a guy in 10 days’ with me, because he likes the film. He loves cuddles. And genuinely loves all this. He tells me he misses me, he tells me he loves me, and he promised to do whatever he can to make me happy. You get the idea, the perfect boyfriend.

That was until I realised he is more in love with the idea of being with someone, of being in a relationship than he is in love with me. That’s how he is, how he’s always been. It just took me a while to realise that. Sure he cares and he loves me. But I recently realised he can’t be alone; he has not been single for years – jumping from one long term relationship to another. But he keeps hurting me without realising. I had to live through the millions text from his exgirlfriend and there was nothing i could say because I was the one who got in the way of their relationship in the first place. I had to just accept the fact she appeared on his door in 4 in the morning, crying, begging to get back with him. I was there for him when he was offered a job he deserved then the company decided to unfairly give it to his best friend instead. I still am there for him for all that. But he doesn’t realise how much all this stuff is hurting me. Or even after I tell him how much it upsets me, he still does it. He is just the sort of person who has to be nice to everyone, that’s just the way he is. And I keep telling myself that it is nothing, and that whatever has upset me will just go away with time. But I am not sure I can do that anymore. I am going away for a month to another country in two weeks to do a work experience..and I really am not sure we are gonna get through it. Or more like, that I can get through it.

I just don’t know what to do. I am in love with him, I can’t imagine losing him but I can’t keep on doubting stuff. I am stuck in a dead end street. Tell me what to do?


-Love,
A.

i deserve better

ph: tere arigo

doubts

ph: tamedblossom


love can be so complicated, and i wrote this letter with need of advice from a loving friend across the sea in the city of love, paris. not only does she understand my relationship because she helped introduce me and my boyfriend, but she is my best friend and waited six years for the man she loved to love her back.

so, several times we have both discussed what its like knowing the person you are going to marry, with your knowledge unwavering, and mine much more unsure. regardless, i have been pushing through this long distance relationship, because crying to myself about how much i miss chris makes me realize how important he is to me and how much i love him. however, not a
day goes by that i don't think about the possibility that i am "wasting" time on him, because technically we can't be together till he goes to grad school/i graduate aka two years from now. and i wonder if he is the person i am going to marry, because if so, then all this pain is worth it and i know god has a plan for this. i won't deny the fact that being long distance has taught me things about him that i never knew seeing him daily, and its forced us to use words more than ever before. but i also can't deny the pain, the annoyance when i see other couples together, and my doubts which only just worsened now and caused me to write this all out.

so today, i was talking about marriage at kirsten's house with her and larry. and she asked me about what chris always says if it ever comes up, and truth be told, he always says "ew" when his friends get married at young ages. ok, yes he's a boy who hasn't walked around dreaming of the
perfect wedding dress and the playlist to dance the magical night away ending with flying lanterns like in tangled, (ok that's me) buttt i mean i know he's a family guy. so tonight when we were skyping i asked him how old he thinks he will be when he gets married. and he said "i don't know, it depends on the situation", and i said that i expect myself to be young. as we talked about this he said that getting married would stop him from doing things he wanted to, and so naturally i wanted to know what these things were and he said going to grad school. now this just sent me for a loop because i always envisioned our engagement beginning after i graduate and
ending shortly after ( i hate long engagements as you know). i don't even know what to think now, i was like why can't you be married during graduate school, and he said that 80% or some number similar of marriages end during law school and he never would want to be a part of that. ok that's nice that he thinks ahead - but this puts me out three additional years...

most people would respond with, so what if you know then its worth the wait. but that's five-six years from now. thats a lifetime away, and who is to say that we'll even be the same people then. and i know its dumb for me to sit here planning my life away but i can't help it. life is too short to
be anything but happy and with the person you love. so i guess i'm just asking for your thoughts on this subject, if being faithful through the pain is going to be worth it in your opinion. it was weird cause i prayed about it in church the other day, and that was my answer - faithful through
the easy and hard times. but the thing is, as clear as that answer was, i still question this future plan. shouldn't i already know if he is "the one"? i feel as though you should just know, and frankly i can see myself married to him, but i also have doubts. and i always say that anything less than a yes is a no.

love across the atlantic.

i don't know what to think anymore.

ph: weheartit

i have 66 le love images saved, and too many stories to count. they all remind me of him. the good and the bad. the thoughts that go through my mind all day everyday are written in those little pictures. i love him more than anything, but my insecurities have made me have to convince myself that he loves me. i am always questioning it. even when he says it, he doesn't say it enough. then you wonder, well what if my insecurities are right. what if he really doesn't love me. so you get even more insecure. but maybe the insecurities are caused because i have always been 100% he has always been 50. maybe its because i have sacrificed relationships with family and friends trying to protect and defend our relationship when he doesn't even want one in the first place. in the beginning of our relationship he was perfect, almost a year later and it has disintegrated into "we are together without the title," i don't want to be tied down," "relationships have obligations and responsibilities and i don't want that" and most of all, "can we talk about this later?" throughout the secrets and the lies, i have ignored it all just to be with him. i kept my ignorance so i could pretend everything was perfect and he wasn't lying to me.

right now he has been going to these christian conferences. he called me and said that he has changed so much already and that he loves me but he wants to "renew our love" he wants to forget about the past because he has been manipulating me and hurting me without me even knowing it. but i have known it. i have had that feeling but i chose not to listen to it. he hung up. leaving me with 3 days of making up what his lies could be in my head. having imaginary conversations with him about how it might play out and thinking that maybe he has been cheating, maybe he has been doing the drugs he knows i hate. and he is going to stare me in the eyes and tell me that he has changed and lets forget the past. he is going to expect me to believe him. he comes home from these conferences in 2 days and i don't know what to think anymore.

do you forgive almost a year of lies in hopes of a trustworthy future with the one you love? or do you give up the insecurities you know will follow because you think he is going to do it all over again...

what do I do now?

ph: wehearit

I love love love your blog and love looking and reading all the little details, especially the comments underneath, it is such a great way to know your not alone sometimes and that everyone goes through these tricky situations. My current situation is a very long story, and a rather complicated one too. I feel I am so out of control and stuck and like everything has gone not the way I planned, and I have no idea what to do. What is real love? Why does the heart trick me? This is my story ....

When I was a 14 I fell for a boy older than me ( he was 18), we hung out for a few months one summer before his friends started to give him stick for us hanging out. Nothing sexual ever happened between us, although I was sure he was the one. He told me one day that nothing could happen between us because of our age and, what I see as selfless, he said I should go on and live my life and that maybe one day in the future when timing was better and age was not a problem we could be together. I was heart broken, that was that, done, gone, he stopped replying to my texts and calls. I was gutted and it took me sleepless nights of tears to get over him.

My darling lovely boyfriend, we met at school when I was 16, and it was fairy tale love from the start. Nothing kept us apart, it really was the best relationship. Honesty, friendship, communication, love. My first. It was amazing. He made me so happy, he adored me. It was perfect. Then we grew up, as childhood sweethearts, and now in my 20's I have the natural nagging feeling I get when he annoys me, or takes me for granted. After 6 years its not the same as it was. Same old story, my heart wanting to let go, his heart not letting me go. I feel trapped. But he is so sweet to me, he is so good to, too good that it makes it hard to want to end it, even though I feel trapped and wanting to fly my wings on my own without his loving restriction.

And then out of nowhere 'he' is back in my life, my friend from all those years ago, suddenly the chemistry is back, its so good, those butterflies which i hadn't experienced in years were back, with more force than ever. It was thrilling. But i made a mistake, a terrible mistake, not knowing what my head and my heart want I broke the relationship trust, I made an error in action, but not once, but twice, on two different occasions. And now i've become 'that' person. The person everyone in a relationship hates, the person we all think of in disgust, because I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment with an old flame during a rocky patch in my relationship.

What do I do now? Do i cut him out my life, my first real love who I never got to have anything with because of bad timing and age difference. He says he's sorry for putting me in this position, and that he'll respect whatever I decide. He hasn't put any pressure on me to break up with my boyfriend.

My darling on the other hand, had no idea, he knows that i've been a bit of a mess with deciding what i want in life, but he has stood by me waiting for me to come back and be his sweetheart. On some occasions I am on his sweetheart, not how we used to be, but we have an amazing history together which I never want to give up, or destroy or harm in anyway ... but i suppose I have already broken it haven't I ?

What do I do? i'm so split, one part of me says cut out the old flame and don't ruin what I have, and what could be amazing for a bit longer OR break off what clearly hasn't worked for along time, and take things slow with this old flame and see what happens. I don't feel like i deserve the love of my boyfriend, but i don't know if i can handle dealing with his broken heart on top of mine, it might kill me, i will be a mess.

Do i come clean about my mistakes ? Or carry on as normal ?

I've been so lost and confused for so long now, i am moving abroad for a year in a few months to get some head space, drastic I know, but that's what it has come down to. I just don't know if i can wait till then to decide what to do ...

a lost little soul x