Sunday, September 4, 2011
Maybe if the timing had been different...maybe if you were different
ph: Mikael Kennedy
I wish I had said everything. I wish I hadn't held back the words that keep ringing in my head now. So I'm writing them here. These words are for you.
I met you and was instantly drawn to you. You were funny and sarcastic and sexy and unattainable. I wanted to be around you, even if it was just to talk to you for a moment. I wanted to just be around you. We had that moment one night, that moment where we both stopped and thought that maybe there could really be something between us. But it was unattainable. It wasn't logical. And yet I thought about you. And wondered what you were doing, and if you felt the same.
When it all ended, i called you. From that day on, you had me.
In the beginning of us it was great. I wanted to touch you and hold your hand and be in your arms all the time. I didn't see anyone else. And neither did you...for awhile.
But you saw what others thought. And you saw what others were saying. And you let it ruin us.
I would have been with you, and given you all of me..but it would have never worked. We would have never worked.. And even though i knew that, I stayed..and I still let you hurt me and love me at the same time.
Being with you was amazing, being wrapped up in you was intoxicating. Being away from you, not hearing from you, knowing that your mind was everywhere but on me, was painful.
You told me you loved me, that you always would, and you would always hold a place in your heart for me, that I had made an impression there. And I said the same.
But then why did you do the things you did? How can you hurt someone you love? How can you give it up so easily? Was I a fool to believe the easy words? Was I just another dumb girl that climbed in your bed for a fun ride, only to get off and get back in line again?
Well then things happened. Things that changed things. Something that could have easily made me walk away, but I didn't. I stayed and forgave you and looked past it.
Everyone told me I was insane, but I wanted to be with you. I didn't want to give up the drug yet. And even still you grew further and further away from me, as I tried to hang on to whatever was left.
And then came time for me to get on that plane, the time we both knew would come, and you said good bye so easily. You told me if only the circumstances had been different, maybe if the times were others it could have worked. But it didn't.
And now I'm here, with this new life, and a new place, and I'm in love with it. I'm in love with my new life. But I miss you. I miss your bed. I miss the nook in your arms where I would lie. I miss hearing you say how comfortable we were together.
I miss kissing you and laughing with you.
And I think of you and wonder if you think of me....knowing that the answer is you don't. Knowing that you have probably moved on and I don't cross your mind any more.
So I will move on. But I just needed you to know that I think of you. And miss us. But I am moving on. I hold a place for you, that is filled with pain and love and forgiveness.
I forgive you for hurting me and for not knowing that you did. I wish you the best. Maybe if the timing had been different...maybe if you were different..
Maybe we'll never know.