Sunday, September 4, 2011

Maybe if the timing had been different...maybe if you were different

Maybe if the timing had been different...maybe if you were different.. love photo love image polaroid mikael kennedy
ph: Mikael Kennedy

I wish I had said everything. I wish I hadn't held back the words that keep ringing in my head now. So I'm writing them here. These words are for you.

I met you and was instantly drawn to you. You were funny and sarcastic and sexy and unattainable. I wanted to be around you, even if it was just to talk to you for a moment. I wanted to just be around you. We had that moment one night, that moment where we both stopped and thought that maybe there could really be something between us. But it was unattainable. It wasn't logical. And yet I thought about you. And wondered what you were doing, and if you felt the same.

When it all ended, i called you. From that day on, you had me.

In the beginning of us it was great. I wanted to touch you and hold your hand and be in your arms all the time. I didn't see anyone else. And neither did you...for awhile.
But you saw what others thought. And you saw what others were saying. And you let it ruin us.

I would have been with you, and given you all of me..but it would have never worked. We would have never worked.. And even though i knew that, I stayed..and I still let you hurt me and love me at the same time.

Being with you was amazing, being wrapped up in you was intoxicating. Being away from you, not hearing from you, knowing that your mind was everywhere but on me, was painful.

You told me you loved me, that you always would, and you would always hold a place in your heart for me, that I had made an impression there. And I said the same.
But then why did you do the things you did? How can you hurt someone you love? How can you give it up so easily? Was I a fool to believe the easy words? Was I just another dumb girl that climbed in your bed for a fun ride, only to get off and get back in line again?

Well then things happened. Things that changed things. Something that could have easily made me walk away, but I didn't. I stayed and forgave you and looked past it.
Everyone told me I was insane, but I wanted to be with you. I didn't want to give up the drug yet. And even still you grew further and further away from me, as I tried to hang on to whatever was left.

And then came time for me to get on that plane, the time we both knew would come, and you said good bye so easily. You told me if only the circumstances had been different, maybe if the times were others it could have worked. But it didn't.

And now I'm here, with this new life, and a new place, and I'm in love with it. I'm in love with my new life. But I miss you. I miss your bed. I miss the nook in your arms where I would lie. I miss hearing you say how comfortable we were together.
I miss kissing you and laughing with you.

And I think of you and wonder if you think of me....knowing that the answer is you don't. Knowing that you have probably moved on and I don't cross your mind any more.

So I will move on. But I just needed you to know that I think of you. And miss us. But I am moving on. I hold a place for you, that is filled with pain and love and forgiveness.

I forgive you for hurting me and for not knowing that you did. I wish you the best. Maybe if the timing had been different...maybe if you were different..

Maybe we'll never know.


-S

22 comments:

  1. Very touching...Have faced the similar incident...Move on - Its the best we can do...

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  2. I remember times like these and a moment like this, too...

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  3. I want to say the same last words for the one too. Sweetie S, wish you all the best, open your arm and embrace your brand new live. I believe in you!

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  4. Hey Dear, I am Jasmin Betts. I just want to say that you have create wonderful post. Thank you for sharing your priceless post.

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  5. I am in your same position. Things ended 3 months ago and I still believe in some alternate universe we are supposed to be together. I miss him with every ounce of my being but timing just wasn't right, and neither was he. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm trying to move on and it's getting easier not to think about him all day. It will get easier.

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  6. Hey ! There is something for you in my blog ! Greets from Finland !

    http://pikkujuttuja.blogspot.com/2011/09/syyskuu-syyskuu-ja-tunnustukset.html

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am going through exactly the same thing... just that I am barely at the forgiving part and strangely I'll eventually will get on that plane... it's unbelievable that I just came across this blog in this exact moment.
    I hope you do move on, I hope I do.

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  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  9. Thanks for putting into words what I'm feeling too. Moving on is difficult, but totally possible. I'm doing the same. Wish you luck.

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  10. Those instant, unexplainable connections are the worst. Things might have worked out differently- but they didn't. Everything happens for a reason, the hard part is waiting to figure out what that reason is. You will figure it all out- keep him in you memories and no where else. Good Luck :)

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  11. please read

    http://freeluckyeasy.blogspot.com/

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  12. thank you for writing the words my heart felt, but that i could not say out loud. i felt every word you wrote as if my heart was finally speaking the voice that has only lingered silently within me for so long. thank you for helping me in my healing.

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  13. there is so much in this post that i love. feel. understand...all too well. the line that spoke to me the most was this: 'But I just needed you to know that I think of you.' the reason why this line spoke to me was because for so long i chased after the unattainable notion of finding out whether HE thinks of ME. but this line revealed to me it wasn't about that. and the final..'maybe we'll never know', are the truest, most heartbreaking 4 words to accept, but we all must, at a certain point in the healing process. finally, the line that brought me to tears, for the profound truth and sadness in it: 'I hold a place for you, that is filled with pain and love and forgiveness.' it will always be there, i believe. thank you for this wonderful post, it touched me in unspeakable ways.

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  14. Thank you for sharing, this was beautiful. I feel like we have shared very similar experiences. I want you to know that this hurt will go, the pain will end, you will find someone that would burn the world for you and never look back. I don't say this because I have found someone. Not at all, half the time I feel miserable, depressed and alone. But I've seen this love and it's the only thing that keeps me going.

    All the best for you dear. Try and be happy, you deserve it.

    - L

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  15. It was awesome! seriously i wanna try this once..... very interesting .


    Love Letters

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    http://loveateenage.wordpress.com


    plz frnds its my love story

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  17. How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said. to find a boyfriend

    Love begets love. and thanks your page is awesome
    Bye bye

    ReplyDelete
  18. I've been going through something very similar.. only no moving away. We are extremely close, but both attempting new relationships with other people. It's heartbreaking to see someone that once loved you "like that" move on with someone new... yet be close enough to you to say they still love you ~ just not like that. Of course you'll be fine, and move on, and be happy with someone else. Staying close is a beautiful thing.. it's just hard.

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  19. read a new story:
    <a href="http://loveateenage.wordpress.com/>ITS ALL ABOUT ALL SHIT THAT HAPPENS IN THE TEEN LIFE OF A TRIO & HIS FRIENDS @ SCHOOL AND COLLEGE WHICH IS SCRIPTED WHEN THEY ALL MEET @ A PLACE .</a>

    ReplyDelete
  20. read a new story:
    ITS ALL ABOUT ALL SHIT THAT HAPPENS IN THE TEEN LIFE OF A TRIO & HIS FRIENDS @ SCHOOL AND COLLEGE WHICH IS SCRIPTED WHEN THEY ALL MEET @ A PLACE .

    ReplyDelete

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