Wednesday, August 17, 2011
listen to your intuition
I used to be the girl that hoped for the most amazing love; and when I met him, I knew I'd found it. He was everything a young girl would fall for: mysterious, unattainable, older, good looking, and such a smooth talker. Being a young girl in high school, it didn't take me long before I couldn't get him off my mind, before I caught myself waiting by the phone for his text message, before I started changing myself to accommodate his expectations. He became my addiction, and I could not stop thinking about him. The first time we hooked up, I was more than ecstatic because that validated that he (or at least, I thought) had feelings for me too, and that he wanted me as well. Right before he kissed me, he said, "I don't want a relationship, but I want you." Being the naive sixteen year old that I was, I took that with a grain of salt, thinking to myself that I could easily change his mind. I just wanted him so badly - it's like, when they say don't push the big red button, its all you want to do. Everyone warned me about him, about how he was a player, about how he was emotionally unavailable, but I was determined to be the exception. I was determined to change that about him. I wanted to be the girl who the player fell in love with - because I knew I could be that girl.
We continued to hook up all the time, but he still wasn't budging. I was giving him everything: hook ups whenever he wanted, but with no strings attached - he got to keep his options open while getting the pretty blonde sixteen year old that no other guy had ever come close to getting.
Why did I let him do this to me? Still, to this day, it baffles me. I was taking from him what I could get, because I liked him so fucking much. He treated me like a friend, he talked to and texted crazy amounts of other girls, used me as a last resort to his plans, but still got me. One hundred percent of me. And I hardly ever even got a stitch of him. He was an asshole, he was a douche bag, he was a jerk. Don't get me wrong though, he was real nice about it - always made sure I knew that the "only reason" why he wouldn't date me was because of school. I knew deep down that was bullshit - my mom always told me, "if a guy really likes you, no matter what is in the way, he will get you. He will WANT to be with you. No matter what." This boy was a master manipulator, and you know, the players always are. They know exactly what to say to the girls who like them to get them exactly where they want. He knew I liked him so much, and he took advantage of it.
And at the end of the day, I ended up with nothing. Why? Because I got fed up - confronted him and put my foot down. I told him it was either all or nothing with me, and he chose nothing. After everything I did for him, after all the bullshit I put up with, he wanted nothing. He said, "you know, to be completely honest, I don't think I ever liked you nearly as much as you liked me." After ages of caring about him, the next day, he was already with someone else.
Here's a word of advice to all those naive girls out there: listen to your intuition. When the red flags come up, don't ignore them. Listen to what people say. Because although infatuation may be the strongest emotion you'll ever feel, heartbreak is much, much more painful, and takes much longer to conquer. I didn't listen to my gut, I didn't listen to my head. I listened to my heart, and I got burnt. I got burnt.
I'm still getting over the heartbreak, I take it day by day. Some days are worse than others, there will be times where I'll wake up in the middle of the night screaming thoughts in my mind about him. Other times I'll be able to put things into perspective and know that I can do better. The player will have a power over you like no one else - he'll be able to make you feel like you're the one at fault, like you're worthless, like you're the one who fucked everything up.
Don't date the player.