to find someone new

ph: Stefany Alves

I have thought about it many times.
Perhaps mostly because everyone besides myself seems to wonder when I'm going to find someone new. But I don't let it get to me. I'm not looking for someone new. I'm far from ready and I don't want to be in a relationship. I just started to let go of my previous one.

There is a time for everything, and now is my time to heal. To grow strong and be whole in myself. Learn to live with myself, my scars and my memories. Learn how to always feel safe within and not let that one single frightened voice in my head (the ego) stop me from having an open heart and dare to love unlimited.

What has been, has been. What is now is now. The rest is still unwritten.

love yourself

ph: mymodernmet

so yes, keep those lovely memories with you

ph: weheartit

I just came across this letter while cleaning out my computer files. Two
years ago I clearly realized that yes life does go on. And I am worth it.

Dear Sidney
Read this anytime you thought life was easy, or hard. “oh take me back to the start” said coldplay. Yes coldplay. The lovely piano that Nathan played for you. He doesn’t like you and its hard to hear. And yes he broke your heart but your worth better. Those drunken hookups were nothing, yeah they were fun but they are not going to get you anyone better than him– and that is what you deserve. So put on a smile. Don’t ignore the fact that your sad, or lonely. But move on. Wallowing does no good, and the memory is important. So yes, keep those lovely memories with you, because it is very unlikely your future husband will love coldplay, john mayer, and johsua radin as much as you do. But if he does, because he will be the best man for you and make you extremely satisfied and happy, look back with a smile at those times. Because you loved them. And they killed you but they were great. Watching the stars on the car, seeing him play at potbellies, driving with him. There were good times and you were friends but that is it. And he broke your heart but it will only make you love someone even more, because he won’t do that to you.

Sidney you’re beautiful and worth it. Don’t cry. Love you.

-Sidney

we keep on living

ph: ruuca

Dear You,

When you ended our relationship after I surprised you on your birthday, the future looked dismal to me. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to think or feel. Our relationship just felt like one big mess. I wanted to clean it up but I didn’t know how to start – too many things were said and done. But it’s been four months after the breakup and guess what? I’m standing on my own two feet and people say that I look better than I ever did when I was with you. Although it hurts sometimes and I miss you every single day, I am at peace and my world has never felt so put together... so right.

I compared my current healing process to the first one I had to go through when I was in high school. I must say, I did a much better job today. It took me almost a year to get over a silly, little high school boy but it took me just a few months to get over you, my first real boyfriend. I ask myself how I did it. Besides of course the wisdom that comes with age, I think I really had no choice but to make myself strong. If I did otherwise, I would probably be the most bitter and broken girl right now. The things you did to me were unfathomable. You swallowed me, you put me down, and towards the end you treated me like I didn’t matter. Anyone who had to go through that would probably have the same reaction as I did.

But that night you broke up with me and made me walk in the pouring rain, I realized that I couldn’t play the role of the victim anymore. I was sick and tired of it. So I toughened my heart and my head. I became my own friend and told myself that I didn’t deserve this. So the past four months has been all about that. More than getting over you, it was about finding me and allowing myself to be loved by me, my loved ones, and by God. You made me crumble during the relationship and I wasn’t going to allow that to happen again after the relationship. So I built my world again. And I continue to do so.

Although you have hurt me like no one has, I still love and miss you. I still wish that things could be different but they’re not. And you know what? This time, it’s okay. I just hope that one day we can be great friends again – just like the way it started out. In the meantime, I’ll pray for you and hope for the best for your life. And as for me, I’ll give myself what I deserve. That’s what survivors, warriors, and fighters do. We pick ourselves up and we keep on living.

Always, Me

something i have to do for me

ph: weheartit

D,

I’m writing this letter to tell you goodbye. I will never admit to writing this, much less ever give it to you, but this is something I need to do for myself. After our nearly four-year story, I’m letting go. You let go a long time ago, and I realize that it is time for me to do the same. I’m letting go of everything I thought that we would become. I’m letting go of thinking of you every single day, more than once. I’m letting go of secretly hoping that we will one day end up together. I’m letting go of waiting. I have realized once and for all that I am not meant to be with you. You know how much I cared about you, so I will not go into that in this letter. I have told you how I feel about you for years. I allowed you into the deepest part of my heart. I allowed you to know me better than I knew myself, and for that I am extremely regretful. I have learned that no girl should ever open up as far as I opened up to you. Nothing is forever, and there is no reason to be so vulnerable. I gave you parts of myself that have taken many months to get back. I put you above myself…something that I will never do again for the rest of my life. I am my top priority, no one else. I look back on our relationship and sometimes find myself wishing that it never happened. I’m not sure if I actually mean that, because, after all, everyone says it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I’m not so sure though, because you hurt me in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I loved you with every single part of me. And when we were over, I felt as if I had lost all of those thousands of parts. You left me broken... I still feel broken sometimes. Maybe we went wrong because of the timing. Maybe it’s because we were still growing into ourselves, although I guess there is no use in speculating why things worked out the way they did. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. I want you to know I think you are an amazing person. I don’t blame you for the way you hurt me. I recognize that was not your intention. I know you will do great things in life, and you deserve every inch of it. God has taught me so much about myself this past year. In hindsight, I consider our break up a blessing. But, despite the fact that I have been growing a lot, I still have a lot of healing to do. In order to do that, I need to tell you goodbye. Because every time I make the decision to be your friend, I fall harder. When you kiss me, or call me, it is different to me than it is to you. I have learned that the way I care about you is much deeper than your present feelings for me, and I can’t truly move on until I cut you out of my life completely. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. This is something I have to do for me, in order to love myself again, and someone else. Thank you for everything you have taught me. It’s been a long, crazy ride. Goodbye, D.

Best Wishes & Love Always,

M

being single

ph: weheartit + weheaertit

i have faith

ph: katherine squier

It's friday night, I feel a bit under the weather. Sitting on this new bed, in a new room, in a different part of a world.

A few months ago I decided that I needed to start over; I needed to leave behind all my tangled-love-stories that were closer to tragedies, and instead take the risk to go some place new. I boarded a plain on the other side of the world and arrived here in Berkeley, California two weeks ago.

It's different than what I'm used to.

I could go into the past and talk about all my ups and downs, the highs and the seriously low lows. But here, miles away, all of that feels irrelevant now. I feel like I can be someone better.

Some things still pinch inside, some memories still make me laugh a little. I still remember some friends, I still dream of some lovers.

This is not another cliche love story, although I've had a series of cliche moments in a series relationships, with different faces and different names.

I've been love with the guy who threw me across the room and into the wall. I've been in love with the guy who was the best a friend could ever be; and suddenly, as I moved destinations, so did his feelings.

Their feelings always died. It always felt like I was the only loyal one, who gave in with my everything.

But I'm starting to realize that that's ok. It's those little qualities that make us who we are. As for the experiences, they make us stronger and we should never have regret.

Sometimes I wonder if I was born to accomplish bigger and better things.

Sometimes I wonder why I ever lowered my own standards just to meet someone else's.

I truly believe that true, real, unconditional love exists. I know it's there because I've felt it, at least for a moment if not more, even in the worst relationship that I could have possibly been in.

Sometimes I like to read the stories on this blog when I feel low and in need of something inspiring, and though this isn't a love story, I hope it gives you some hope. I hope you know that you're stronger than the one who hurt you; you're happiness doesn't depend on them.

You are limitless. You are free.

Take a risk to do something you're passionate about, no matter how overwhelming it may feel.

I've left every single thing behind me, and here I am, in a whole new world. I don't know how long it may be before I find what I am looking for, but I have faith that someday I will find it.

And you will too. I promise.

Reaa

that love story isn’t ours

ph: julialinnea

I think I may actually be over him. It just happened about five minutes ago. I can’t really explain it; I was looking through some old pictures of us in Italy and Paris together, and was staring at his face. That face. That gorgeous face. I actually zoomed in a little. But when I looked, when I really looked, and reminded myself of all the things he’s done, and all the pain he’s caused, that face got…uglier. Feels taboo just writing it. Feels like an almost lie. But you know how people say that a beautiful person can become ugly with their personality? I think that just happened for me.

I reminded myself of how he ignored me over Winter break, didn’t even call on Christmas. I reminded myself of how after a year and a half together he broke my heart and then started seeing Sara, my friend, our friend, just a few weeks later. That that was selfish and thoughtless and desperate. I reminded myself that I would never do those things to him.

I reminded myself of the times he’s been cold, the many times I’ve felt so alone, on my side of the bed, even though he is right there sleeping next to me. I reminded myself of the back and forth game he has played with me since we broke up, saying he wanted to get back together and then backing out. How he drove me home in tears after lunch with his parents and didn’t even bother to text me later on or see how I was doing, after we had just slept together the entire weekend before. How much that hurt me. How he came down for the fourth of July and we slept together again because he told me that the weekend and us being together would “clear up the confusion.” How it didn’t clear up anything. How he implied that we weren’t really one hundred percent broken up…reminded myself when I said broken up couples don’t do this and he said but that’s not completely where we are at. I reminded myself how we are broken up and how that is completely where we are at.

Now, I am thinking about what a fool I’ve been. How I want to be with him just for the sake of being with somebody. Now I am thinking about how one small mistake, like getting back together, could ruin a bit more than I wanted to admit.

Andrew, you were a lovely person to me once. Smart and funny and so beautiful. Now you are not so beautiful. You’ve done it, you’ve really done it. Broken my heart, and half-assed picking up the pieces. Now I think there’s just about a slim to none chance things will ever work out between us. Because I deserve better than someone who has to take half a year to figure out what they want. Because I deserve better than someone who is scared. Because I deserve better than someone who doesn’t want to be with me right now, this minute, no matter what the future brings, even if they are stuck with me forever.

I usually fall for the sappy love story where the two broken hearts realize how much they love each other, and get back together in the end. I usually want to be the leading lady in that love story. Sorry that love story isn’t ours. Sorry it never will be.

Except I’m not sorry at all.

i deserve better

ph: tere arigo

the wait will be worth it

ph: weheartit

All my life, I've been in and out of relationships. Bad guys, good guys, obsessive guys, nice guys, I've dated them. Last Dec, I ended the last relationship after he turned possessive, because I knew I didn't have a future together with him.

I was weak. All my life I was weak, foolish, and dependent. I'm glad to say that in the year 2011, I grew up. I stayed single for the longest time I could remember. I didn't have a guy to fetch me anywhere I wanted, to dine with at any restaurant I craved for, to take me out shopping when I demanded, or watch a movie with me when I
felt like it.

And it's been the best teacher I could ever have. Sure there were lonely moments, low moments. There were weak moments I wished ever so badly I had a good and loving boyfriend. But everyday I grew a little stronger. Everyday, I grew more at ease with myself, I complained less and I loved my family and friends a little more.

I know that someday I will love again. But I'm not going to sit around and wait impatiently for that day to come. I'm not going to rush into yet another relationship that isn't going to last, just because he smiled at me and gave me butterflies. I'm going to live life to the fullest, and appreciate the little things in life.

Because I know that one day, the wait will be worth it.

scared I’m chasing nothing.

ph: weheartit

It’s not that I think you’re not important when you don’t have anyone, because I don’t. I truly don’t. I believe you can never really know what you want in someone else until you know yourself – completely and wholly - when you only have yourself to rely on. I know far too many people who are in relationships of comfort – because they don’t want to be alone. And it’s sad, because they rely so much on this social institution for validation. I am proud to say I have dealt with loneliness, and I’m not afraid of it. I am not afraid of my independence and I am not afraid of my own company. I am proud to say I have become a strong, level-headed person because I have had such a long time to consider myself and my surroundings and my feelings and my opinions with a clear head, one that is not muddled by the fog of a relationship and love and my heart. For these reasons I am glad it’s taken me this long to find someone, because I think when it happens, I’ll be able to handle it and make the most of it.

But fuck, sometimes I just get sick of being lonely. I get sick of having to rely on myself and my imagination for any kind of deeper mental or emotional stimulation. It’s getting to a point now where, I’ve had way too much time to think. My heart is forming cobwebs because the people I met, the experiences I’ve had so far, just aren’t cutting it. I think my imagination has had far too much time to become so specific in designing what my heart wants, I’m scared reality is just never going to compare. How can it? I never really gave it a chance. I’m torn between wanting only the best for myself and impatience. How much longer is it really going to take?

I feel like it’s impossible because I’ve made it impossible. I want magic. I want to feel such an intense pull towards someone it’s like our worlds just crashed into each other, changing them and me and everything I thought I knew. I want fireworks, and butterflies and magnetism, something tumultuous and huge and exciting and new. I want something to pull me out of myself and my head and my over-analysis and make me feel again, because I’ve forgotten. And I don’t think I can get it back on my own. But I’m scared I’m waiting out for a super unrealistic ideal that I’ve created for myself. I’m scared I’m chasing nothing. And every day it’s getting harder and harder to have faith in myself and everything I believe in.

r