Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I had an online-relationship for one year with a guy across the atlantic. I loved him, he loved me. It sounds stupid(even to me) since this was online, but we were in love. I never believed in internet love before this happened. I was wrong. I remember that (one of the times) we talked all night, I asked him a question: "Do you believe that there is a perfect person out there for everyone?". "Yes. But I don't have to look for that person.... I already found her." He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I wanted that too.
A week later, things went very wrong. He wouldn't speak to me, told me he needed time to think, and wouldn't tell me why. I shut up for a while, but then he started writing stuff on his screen name. And I didn't know what was going on so I pretty much assumed he'd found someone else. He had stuff like "I love you" in french, romantic song lyrics and so on. And the picture that I once sent him, saying: "Escape with me".
I tried to talk to him. He ignored me. For many days. I sat up whole nights trying to find out what I'd done. Then he said he wouldn't talk to me again. I spent a three weeks crying. I had blocked him so I wouldn't have to stare(I would literally stare) at his suggestive screen names, and keep hoping that he would talk. After those three weeks of crying, I unblocked him, asked him "is this how things are going to be? are we never going to speak again?". His reply were some extremely hurtful and rude messages, one of them saying something like "says the one who deleted me off everything." and I told him why I deleted him, and that "it hurt too much to just see those things, and you wouldn't even explain anything". He once again said some hurtful things. I'd had enough, and told him that he was acting so stupid, and that I hadn't done anything that could give him any possible reason to act that way towards me. And I shut up. And he shut up.
A week later, he talked. "hey.. I just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry". "for what". "for being a huge asshole the past month... I've wanted to talk to you all week but I didn't have the guts". I told him that he had some explaining to do. He told me he was in a car crash with someone close, who died. He'd started blocking out everyone he really cared for, pushing them away, thinking they'd be better off then. He also said he knew it was no excuse for what he'd done and said to me. Worst part about that, I think I forgave him the second he said "hey" that day. Because I really truly loved that guy. I told him that I wanted to have normal conversations with him. It was great. One thing though - we talked like friends. I got used to the idea of it being that way - that we weren't meant to be.
Then, out of the blue, someone I'd become friends with those past 6 months, confessed to me that he was in love with me and wanted to take me out. Since my "ex" (we were never girlfriend&boyfriend, we were free to do whatever we wanted, althought both chose each other) seemed to have moved on, I thought I'd focus on that too. And I said yes. As of now, I've been with this guy for about 8 months, and he's really amazing and loves me and we have a lot of fun. I haven't been able to say the three words yet, though (and I REALLY want to be able to say them). I am not sure if it's because I still have feelings for my "ex"(don't know if I do! but I can no longer PICTURE my future with him) or if it's because I somehow now don't have enough trust in guys.
About two months ago my "ex" confessed to me that he still loves me, and never stopped loving me. He has accepted me having a boyfriend, and we are now really good friends, but I can tell he's jealous. And when he told me I just instantly started crying. Why? Was it because I wanted him to say that 7 months sooner? Or because I was happy.. I don't know. After I sort of felt like I was "free".
I don't know what I feel. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I really wish I knew just what to do, and how to do it. I might love my boyfriend, if so, I haven't realised it. Sometimes I wish love was easier, but I guess it's not supposed to be. I feel like a bad person for even thinking all of these things. But I needed to share it with someone.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
You've loved me since the 10th grade, this I know now. But I was to absorbed in myself to see you as more than just a best friend. I broke your heart. You knew we would never be. You were always just the nice guy who was there for me whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on. I did love you, but not in the way you loved me. I took advantage of you, everyone was telling me it was so obvious that you loved me. But I wouldn't let myself see it, I blocked you out. We spent every day together in the summer going into our junior year and it continued into our junior year. We were inseparable. Then I'm not sure what started it but we started separating. Maybe you couldn't stand being just my best friend and only wanted to be my friend who was sometimes there. I'll never know. I got a boyfriend senior year and told you everything, maybe that was wrong of me. He hated when we were alone together because he knew you loved me, but I wouldn't let that separate us for good. Then you got a girlfriend. I hated her, but I told you she was cute and that I liked her. Slowly we started seeing each other less and less. Then I realized why I hated her so much. It was because I was so jealous of her. You started hanging out with only her friends and we never saw each other. Then freshman year came. We were both still in relationships. We would talk when we saw each other out at parties and have really good talks about our relationships. Mine was at the time going down hill and you helped me in a way just through our few talks. The summer going into our sophomore year I ended things with my boyfriend of 2 years, it was hard. But you were there for me. One night when we were drunk at a party I confessed to my friends that I loved you, i unconditionally loved you, more then I ever wanted to love someone. I loved you as a best friend and someone I was interested in. This made it even more dangerous. After this party I blocked out what i had confessed, but my friends will never forget it and never let me forget it. The summer went on and our relationship didn't change. We still never saw each other, you still had a girlfriend. Then 5 days ago I heard from a friend that your girlfriend had broken up with you. I immediately wanted to talk to you. But I couldn't because we are not the way we used to be and may never be that way again. I know she broke your heart and I am so sorry, I want nothing more than to be there for you right now. But I can't be. I can never tell you how I really feel. I cannot bring myself to risk such heartache of being denied. I cannot risk losing you as a friend. I need you in my life even if we aren't talking as much as we used to, we still can talk. And that is something I am not willing to give up. I love you, but I can never be with you. You don't love me the way you used to. And you never will because she broke your heart. Why didn't you tell me how you felt before? Why did you have to be the nice guy who couldn't step up to what he wanted?
h...could you possibly be projecting with those last lines? let's change them around:
"why didn't you tell him how you felt? why did you have to be the girl who couldn't step up to what she wanted?"
i think you need to go for it.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I was emailed this very touching story.
I appreciate her willingness to share this with us and appreciate her trust.
I still can't wrap my mind around it:
I thought I wanted to share a story of my own, if nothing, just to get it off my chest. I never told anyone, but maybe I can simply tell everyone.
I have never been the type for love. I’ve never had any serious relationship, which is quite okay I think, I’m 18 by now, so that might be my excuse. I never fell in love, because I could never actually care about somebody that much. Nobody could ever touch me this deeply to evoke feelings even close to love. I would shrug any sympathy displayed for me off and go on in this arrogant and narcissistic way, just like I always do, at all times. I am not this kind of person. I am not as full of myself as I seem to be, but this is the only way I can avoid hurting people’s feelings. I don’t want to hurt anyone really, but the only way to prevent this seems to be hurting them. Hah.
Eventually, shortly after my 17th birthday, my father would call me to him and tell me a story I just couldn’t believe was true. Even though he only has a very small sense of humour, I thought he was kidding me. I never could have imagined I was supposed to marry somebody my father chooses for me. I had never heard of this family tradition. As I look at it now, it makes sense; I always knew we were a very old and very large family, even a founding family in the city we lived in. I knew my father cared much about the family, but since we are living abroad, I never really experienced his traditional feelings. And, evidently, my grandfather and my grandmother live in different houses, although they are still legally married, because they can’t be with each other. My own parents are separated, but married, and I’ve heard my great-grandparents lived in the same way. It hit me then; those were all arranged marriages. Just, nobody had ever told me.
I don’t want to blame him. I feel my father didn’t want to do this against my will, he asked me if I could imagine doing it. Was it a possible option for me? I couldn’t really answer, I know absolutely nothing of love, not even of family love, I never experienced it in our cold and harsh family relationships, let alone being in love with someone and wanting to marry him. But one thing I knew; I always felt responsible for my father’s misery, for the hard job he had to do to send me to good schools, the difficult time he had with my mother, who can’t stand me, for him getting old far too early, his financial ruin and his emotional troubles. As a child already, I cried in my bed when my dad had to leave for work Sunday at 10pm and only came back Saturday afternoon.
I saw all of this and then I knew I was supposed to agree. I never could have said no. This was the one thing, besides good marks at school or playing the lead violin at grand concerts, I could do for him. I hated all those things, and I also hated the thought of being forced into this and probably ending up like my parents, but what could I do? This is how things were supposed to be. And I agreed.
In December, when we went home, to Russia this is, like we do usually on holidays, I was introduced to my fiancé; a man of 26 years, who finished the University of St. Petersburg with a Summa Cum Laude and as valedictorian, who did his Master in Yale and quite recently his PhD at Oxford University and who now worked as the CEO’s right hand in Russia’s biggest gas company. He was very tall, much taller than I, wore a dark suit and had a very dismissive and apathetic expression on his face. It was a very formal occasion, namely our engagement party, and both families were present, even at a larger scale. I had to wear a satin dress and was told to behave well. Slowly I understood how they had chosen an extremely prestigious and, sadly, I realised, extraordinary wealthy family. It was a horrible farce. As we greeted, my fiancé and I, we shook hands, and his hand was cold. During the whole evening, I didn’t talk to him once. His younger sister Natalia, who is 22, and his brother Gavriel, 23, addressed me immediately and I couldn’t help but wonder on how different a character they were; both his younger siblings were talkative and warm, especially Natalia, who is one of the loveliest and kindest people I ever met. Gavriel entertained me the whole evening and half of the night, making me laugh all the time. Only from the corner of my eyes I dared to cast a glance at my fiancé, who seemed unmoved by all of this, and mostly talked to our fathers and grandfathers at the other end of the table. The next day I officially received an old ring, a family heirloom, which was brought to me by his father.
After this, I didn’t see him for almost a year. We went for a dinner once in April, when I was in Russia for holidays. It was the weirdest thing I ever experienced. It was only us two, and I couldn’t help but feel insanely stupid. From all my friends I am considered the silliest and most childish. I play videogames and watch children’s cartoons and skip lessons at school and get drunk with my friends on weekends. I often get tickets for speeding and I sleep until 2pm in the afternoon. Sitting in front of me was a man, who, at 26 years old, had already lived a whole life. He had spent most of his childhood in boarding schools, lost his mother at the age of four, lived years of his life abroad, completed a superior education, built an immense career on his own, and went to war. He never told me any of this, I learnt most of it in the very recent past from his siblings. He was intimidating. I felt like a child around him. It felt like he was my older brother, especially with our waitress flirting with him the whole evening. I couldn’t help but notice how handsome he was, it was almost too much to take, with his tall and lean figure, the pale skin and lantern jaw, the piercing blue eyes, the jet black hair – it only made it even worse.
Sometimes he called on Sunday afternoons, and we would talk some minutes, about school and work, and then hang up soon enough not to let the awkward silence take over. Sure enough, I developed an aversion to his phone calls, and I knew for sure it was an annoying thing for him he only did because he felt it was his duty. At times, I feel a stitch when my friends talk about boyfriend issues. I imagine them cuddling in bed on a rainy afternoon in November and I know I will never experience this kind of thing. When in summer he asked me if I wanted to go on a short trip with him, for three days or so, I knew our fathers came up with this. I knew he didn’t want to, but we both had to. The mere thought of being in the presence of this cold man made me cringe and I was sure he felt the same way. Also, I was sure this was the time we were supposed to get closer. I thought, we were going to sleep together. I was terrified when I was sitting next to him in his car, noticing I was sweating in my dress and on the beige leather seats although the air conditioning was on. He was a man, and I was nothing but a silly girl, and I was a virgin, too.
It happened I got an upset stomach, I don’t know how it happened, but the same night I found myself sick over the toilet after I had slept for less than an hour alone in the huge marital bed, as he had lain down on the couch. And eventually, as I continued throwing up for minutes, he showed up and held back my hair the whole time I was vomiting. I asked him to leave, I was horribly embarrassed, but he wouldn’t. He’d just kneel beside me and hold back this awfully long dark messy hair of mine, silent. When I was done, he’d helped me up, brought me back to bed and order tea, additional blankets and a hot-water bottle while I was trembling in bed. For the next few days, I was delirious with fever, but the whole time he didn’t leave the suite. Whenever I woke up, he was there. And one thing he said I will never forget is, “I will look after you.”
This is when I thought, we can make this work. Maybe, in the end, we will work it out. Although we have nothing in common, although we don’t know anything about each other, we can manage this. This was, until I found out he had a girlfriend for a year and a half and he broke up with her in order to obey the family traditions and be with me. When I decided I could live like this, the day my father asked me, I only considered myself. I thought I had enough to be fine with this, but I forgot to mind I wouldn’t marry a thing, but a human being. I never thought of his feelings. I have destroyed these people’s lives without even noticing it.
I always knew he could never love me, just as I could never love him, but now I know he hates me.
I have done my A-levels and am about to start University in Vienna in fall. This September I am going to marry Aleksandr.
Still, I have never been in love. My close friends asked me, ‘What if you find someone and fall in love?’ I don’t know the answer. I think I wouldn’t even notice it. I know Aleksandr suppressed his own feelings when it came to it, and so will I, in case it happens. I also don’t know exactly what I want to say with all this ... it took me a while to write this down, and I think, maybe it could help someone on something one day? Maybe people will shake their heads on the absurdity of this? Maybe it lets us see how precious real feelings are. You can’t fake them, even if you want to. There are no lovely photos of us. In fact, I don’t own a single picture of him. There is no happy ending, too.
Friday, October 23, 2009
i received a lovely email from a reader...
it means so much to me to hear how much the blog has impacted your lives!
i am happy to be a part of something that people can relate to and share together.
thank you for all your support!!
I´ve been reading ur blog for such a long time and never felt any
relation with the storied showed till the day someone posted this:
"I've been staying up all night.
I have no stories about wonderful meeting, fingers twisting my hair,
hands around hips. I don't know your smell or warmth or what clothes
I haven't ever met you, but I think I love you...." and so on...
Well i shivered bcoz i had just the same feeling and the story was the
same as mine and I was going to do the same as the person on the text.
Well I did and now I´m going to meet this person next December and I´m
so anxious and nervous about it. Just wanted to share this bcoz i feel
like ur blog is a friend of mine who reads my thoughts and understand
me as well.
thanks for existing
the POST she's referring to. thank you katy!!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part.
Do you remember what I was when we first met? I'd built walls around my heart, gated them, and thrown away the key. I had been hurt, I told you from the beginning. I'd been used, tricked, played with, but most of all, hurt. I thought it best to never fall in love again. So I locked my heart.
You figured it out quite soon. I said don't fall in love with me. I cannot fall in love with you. I won't. I'm too hurt, too damaged, too afraid to go through all of this once more. I'd decided love was just a scam. So we became friends, and that was okay with me, and with you. And it was all nice and comforting and I let myself trust you.
You would listen to me for hours, as we talked about everything and nothing. You learned why I wasn't willing to let anyone love me, and though you said you would never do that kind of a thing to me, I wasn't ready to trust you to test it out. I kept my walls intact even when I started remembering where I'd thrown the key. It was the only way to keep myself from falling in love.
But then something happened. I woke up three weeks ago and realised that I love you. And you said you love me, and you cannot promise we will be forever but you can promise not to hurt me. I believed you. I still didn't realize how I'd come to love you, how you came to find the key to my heart.Now I know. You didn't find the key. You broke into my heart, and I let you. Just don't break my heart.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
i'll admit it,
i was lonely,
i needed you then,
i wanted you to help fill those gaps of solitude,
i had no one and you were there,
in the back of my mind,
i saw no future,
i just saw the present,
i was alone and you were there,
you fell in love,
i felt sorry for you,
so i stayed,
i know heartbreak,
wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy,
and still, i was alone but you were there,
wanted to love you so badly,
like the way i once did for him,
yet, those memories of heartache,
have numbed veins that once pumped love,
i hate that you're in love with me,
i hate that i can't be in love with you
i found someone else,
he's what i want,
i'm not alone but i still want him,
and he wants me,
just not as much as i want him,
he needs me for right now,
and i'll take that,
no future in mind,
i've fallen for him,
he revived my heart,
but instead of feeling light,
it feels heavy,
he doesn't love me,
i can't tell you of my infidelity,
it'll hurt you,
and i can't bare the guilt,
besides, i don't want to be lonely,
you're still here
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
so i’m trying pretty hard to be perfect. perhaps perfect is too strong; mindful, considerate, eager to please, call it what you will.
don’t text too much because it comes across as desperate. never send two texts in a row for the same reason. no facebook chat every time he logs on, ‘cause that’s desperate too, as is ‘Liking’ everything he posts, so don’t do that either. remember not to ask when we’re seeing each other next because nonchalance is key, right? don’t sound to eager when he suggests doing something in the future, remember, nonchalance. when you’re out with other people, don’t demand his attention, he’s not there just for you. and don’t make an issue of him making friends with new girls, that’s asking for trouble, you don’t want to look jealous and insecure. when he wants to go to sleep before you do, don’t latch onto him because you’ll seem weak, needy, intense.
all these crazy rules i’ve made up in my head so you don’t see past this facade. i’m not nonchalant, i over-think everything. i can be intense, and i’m definitely jealous at times. but in essence, at the crux of all this overanalysation; i am insanely in love with you. i just wish you knew how far away i am from nonchalance.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I ignored all the signs.
I forgot that I deserve better. I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.
I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.
You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on.
I'm falling out of love.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
deviant art: thirdeyee
it happened just like every other time. different place, different people, different words, i thought even a different me but still the same outcome. it always comes out the same. i think ive moved on, i think im ready to be friends again, i think im over him. so i start a conversation, begin catching up, rebuilding, starting over. every time im so positive that this time will be the last time that he and i have to become friends, this time will be different, this time it will work. this time everything i want will come true. i was so sure this time.
we're friends, we're together, we're hurting each other, we're fighting, we're alone again.
then we give each other some space and try it all over again. you would have thought at least one of us would learn from the millionth time. but neither of us do.
loves meant to be simple. if you love him and he loves you then you are in love. if you are in love you are together. its never been like that though. not even from the first minute we met.
i fell for him almost as soon as i saw him. there was just this amazing link between the two of us. it was so strong people neither of us knew picked up on it. it wasnt that i had a crush on him, it wasnt that i liked him, it was more. i was in love, not that i knew it at that point. and then it started. i fell and he didnt. i changed he fell i changed back. we were together and then we werent. we moved on then we moved back. and sure enough we ended again. he fell and i didnt. i fell and he couldnt. but then he did. i finally caught on and fell into him. at that moment we fell evenly, finally. we were equals in love, nobody was king and nobody was jester. and it was wonderful. then we both fell away. and then back together.
and now im stuck right back where i was. completely in love and with a totally broken heart. i want more than anything else to be able to accept that we arent going to go anywhere because we arent. i just want to be at the stage where i know in my mind and my heart that while we arent going to work god dammit we gave it our best shot. and its not that i havent tried everything i can think of to move on. you can bet your life that ive tried every trick in the book. in fact i rewrote the book, adding in all my crazy desperate ideas that i tried once i had exhausted the book. but still when i lie awake at night im left wondering if i really did try everything. if i really did try my hardest. or if i only made it look like that. because, really, deep down somewhere even though he is so wrong for me and i am so wrong for him maybe i dont want to stop loving him. but the smart thing, the logical thing to do is to get the communication happening between my head and my heart. get my head to make my heart see reason. get it to see the truth about me and him. we dont work. we wont work.
we arent the right kind of wrong. we arent the wrong kind of right. we are just the wrong kind of wrong.
being right means that i wont have him to tell me that mum didnt mean what she just said.
being right means that i wont get any more applogy texts cause he fell asleep on me the night before.
being right means that i cant claim a bed to myself after parties that he hasnt gone to.
being right means that i wont have him to cover me in sand when i fall asleep at the beach.
being right means that i dont have him to convince me to miss school or work cause he knew that i secretly wanted to spend the day with him.
being right means that i dont have an offer from him to warn off guys for me, even if its just an offer.
being right means that i wont be thinking about him when im singing along to love songs.
being right means that i cant have anymore of his goodbye kisses.
being right means that i wont have him.
being right means that i loose everything that has made up the past two years.
so i know that this isnt going to work. i know that i am going to get hurt again. i know that my friends will have run out of sympathy by the next time i come crying to them. i know that im missing out on wonderful people by being caught up with him. i know that im not going to come out of this alive. but also i know that im in love.and im not ready to let that go just yet.or ever.
so lets be wrong together. not the good kind. not the right kind. the wrong kind. our kind.
cause i know no matter how much i deny it, not matter what i tell my friends, no matter who im with or what im doing, im thinking up ways to make us work.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I love being held. I love when I am in someones arms, and I know that they would do anything for me. yea, I know its selfish but that is what I love. I love waking up to someone and smiling and having them smile back. When you are cold, and you are sharing a blanket and you have their sweatshirt on. your hair is all a mess and your breath smells and you nuzzle up to their neck and they nuzzle you back and wrap their arms around you. and you smile. And fall right back asleep.
I love walking into a room and he smiles back at you, you work your way over, making googiley eyes just for fun until you reach him, and then he wraps you in a big hug and you say hi and act like you haven’t seen each other in ages. That is a great feeling.
Feeling the rush of his lips trail down your body, covering every spot of skin. Giving in to him, giving him what you both want. Feeling like one. Knowing your love will not fade. Knowing giving him that will make him keep you forever, just as you want.
The happy moments, the secret smiles. Going out with his family and saying something they don’t get, but he gives me that look that tells me he got it and he found it funny. Him telling me how beautiful I am in front of his family. Them looking at us and seeing how much we adore each other. The feeling of pride when his mom tells me she is happy her son has found someone so worth his love.
The tears after a big fight. And then him rushing over to dry them with kisses, not being able to sleep until he knows I am better.
The silent way people drift apart, the way the secret smiles fade. The fights end in crying with no one to hold you. the way your world seems to collapse, but you know this isn’t the way its supposed to be.
YELLING AT HIM TO FIX IT. even though you know you did more damage than he did.
After the break up, the feeling of betray as you look at another guy. Knowing you shouldn’t be looking, you don’t belong to them. knowing he still doesn’t look at anyone but you.
When you hang out, the way his eyes watch yours,the way they say sorry, the way you know he wants to kiss you and make all the pain go away. Trying your hardest not to cry because he refuses to become a couple together.
Being completely in love with him. and him with you.
Being best friends.
Him thinking he is not good enough, so he wants you to find someone that is.
You refusing to find someone else because you want him.
The complications. The tears. The heartache.
The feeling of love through it all.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
He said he would be there for me,
He said he would never leave me,
No one knows how i feel deep inside,
No one was there when it happened in real life,
Some say I left for another guy,
Some say I left because I've had enough,
I left because everything became different,
Him and i became different,
Our love is like a shattered glass now,
Our love could never grow again,
He moved on,
He came back,
I came back,
He moved on,
I moved on..
I'm tired of crying for him,
Because I know he won't cry for me,
He blames me for everything,
He doesn't blame himself,
I keep it inside,
I carry with me all the burden too,
I don't want to look back anymore,
For I Don't want to cry over him again,
I don't want to fight back for him,
Because I know he won't hear me,
And he chooses to not hear me,
I moved on..
It's all been done,
I'm someone new now,
So don't come looking for me now, (well,to tell you the truth,he never did. never tried)
Live a life full of smiles and happiness,
Go out without telling anyone about it and feel blessed,
I thanked the lord for changing me into someone new,
Something worthwhile and got rid of all my blues,
He can keep everything,
I can keep the memories,
I ask for nothing,
Everything is done.
I did this when i was young. there's something about this that i could never forget of what happened. i hope you are reading this Keem Musdi. to know how much pain you've caused me and i to you. you and i both know the truth. there's no easy way to say sorry but to rather lie to ourselves and build up those hatred inside of the two of us.
And so i wonder if you do still think about me.
And so i wonder if you do still love me inside somewhere.
And so i wonder if there will ever be another chance for us to tie the knot and never let go.
And so i wonder.
And so i wonder.
I never got the chance to say thank you. I know I'll never be given the chance to apologize eventhough i've apologized millions of times (i assure you i can apologize a million more just for you. let me apologize. I don't want to carry this burden anymore). i don't think i'll ever have the chance to do so. wherever you are. i hope sooner or later maybe someday,everything will be okay again.
Monday, October 5, 2009
you see, i never meant to feel like this
it wasnt planned til you became my first kiss
i hated you for so long, i thought you were an ass
but baby you talked to me, got to know me
and now this gut feeling wont pass
youre the unrequited love as they say
months passed, march, april may
im still in love.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
I lost my dog recently and I started thinking about how much I love her and miss her and I think about her all the time and reading your blog post about best friends, it made me think of pets.
I was wondering if anyone else writes in about how much of an impact pets have and the kind of love involved there. I don't know if you've ever lost a pet, but it's intense.
Well, that's my thought. :)
“How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to.”
“How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to.”
Thursday, October 1, 2009
i thought we were having a conversation
arms wrapped around each other,
drunk and i was talking and then
your mouth was on my mouth
and for three
maybe twelve seconds
we were kissing.
it happened Friday night
in the bar as it closed down.
the music had stopped
but we stayed and stood in the dark and
we were sweaty, my hair was curly
and crazy from dancing
it happened so fast and i was so surprised
that when when we went outside
i had almost forgotten about it.
after Mexican at 3 am
we all went to your house to pee,
and your girlfriend was on the couch
watching tv with your dog.
i couldn't even focus on her face,
i barely remember leaving.
I know how to handle this because
i have stood on each point of that triangle,
and i get it.
i just wish we were each others to