Thursday, October 15, 2009

all these crazy rules


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so i’m trying pretty hard to be perfect. perhaps perfect is too strong; mindful, considerate, eager to please, call it what you will.

don’t text too much because it comes across as desperate. never send two texts in a row for the same reason. no facebook chat every time he logs on, ‘cause that’s desperate too, as is ‘Liking’ everything he posts, so don’t do that either. remember not to ask when we’re seeing each other next because nonchalance is key, right? don’t sound to eager when he suggests doing something in the future, remember, nonchalance. when you’re out with other people, don’t demand his attention, he’s not there just for you. and don’t make an issue of him making friends with new girls, that’s asking for trouble, you don’t want to look jealous and insecure. when he wants to go to sleep before you do, don’t latch onto him because you’ll seem weak, needy, intense.

all these crazy rules i’ve made up in my head so you don’t see past this facade. i’m not nonchalant, i over-think everything. i can be intense, and i’m definitely jealous at times. but in essence, at the crux of all this overanalysation; i am insanely in love with you. i just wish you knew how far away i am from nonchalance.

-tseluyu.

78 comments:

  1. When you meet the right guy, you won't have to play this game, so just keep on moving dear, this one is not the one for you.

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  2. This is exactly how I feel!!

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  3. wow. you just put into words what i have been feeling for about a year now. sometimes i wonder whether guys ever over-think things too.

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  4. I am soo going through this right now. Thankyou. x

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  5. I totally know how this is. But one of the other comments above me is right. when you meet the one, you won't be playing this game anymore. you can be you, and it is the best feeling in the world

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  6. word for word... this is how i approached all my relationships. until this past one. sounds so lame, but the right guy won't care if you are quote-unquote clingy, etc. he will feel the same way.
    that's how you know.
    when you can finally be yourself. no games. no restrictions. that is what you are looking for.

    i love this post.. thank you!

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  7. know how this feels, all too well.

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  8. When it's right, you'll throw out the rule book.

    xo,
    K

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  9. If this guy is worth your time in anyway he won't judge your actions/words in any way but instead embrace who you are naturally...

    What makes you think that if a guy/girl plays mind games with you pre-relationship will stop playing those games during a relationship? The answer is that more often than not, they don't. More often than not, one person is going to be more insecure than the other and that insecurity usually results in playing the I-can't-be-more-vulnerable-than-the-other game ... and then it's a cat-and-mouse chase.

    My advice is this, if you're looking for someone that you could call your boo, there shouldn't be any games. If there are, sirens should go off.

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  10. wow. this has been my life for the past year!

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  11. this was the story of all my stories, until i opened a new chapter. in this chapter, he loves me for me... all the over-analyzation, insecurities and all. and because of that, i am secure. and i love him for all of his everything.

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  12. Rules are crap, just be yourself and if it doesn't work then it's not meant to be.

    Your lover should love you, warts and all.

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  13. Someone will love u for who u are..stay true to urself.. he'll realized his mistake one day..

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  14. Oh my fucking god, this is me, you nailed it. Sometimes I do these things to seem like I don't care too much. Sometimes I wonder if I should act jealous, reveal that I do care when he talks to that other girl. Maybe he wants to see that. I know I shouldn't think about what he wants, but I can't help it. Because he knows I care, I've told him in one of our 'serious' talks. But now the question is: Does he care about me? Are we playing the same game?

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  15. I can really relate to this. It gets to the point where I can`t help but wonder why I am so bound up by all these rules when all I want to do is just love.

    So pure and simple.
    Yet we make it so damn complicated.

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  16. Maybe when it's right you wont have to play this game... but more often than not guys aren't the type for love at first sight. I think a little nonchalance never hurt anyone =) Im in the same boat as you

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  17. i love this post!!
    and i agree with the other comments above me, that when u find the right one u wont need all these rules..

    *but i believe that a relationship should always have a certain mystery... it's a way to keep the relationship "refreshing" and "alive"! Love is beautiful when it happens, but love is not that fairytale forever... we have to take care of it if we truly want it to "last forever"... and not just sit and wait for it to "become forever" by itself

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  18. Read The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing by Melissa Bank. SOOOO good and true.

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  19. yupyupyup. i feel it

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  20. I've been playing the exact same game. But it's true what they say, when you meet the real one, you wouldn't have to anymore, right?
    Love.

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  21. I totally get that. omg i hate rules, stupid stupid rules that probably don't even exist and that we just make up.

    screw the rules, be yourself
    good luck! :)

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  22. The best part of meeting someone who loves you as much as you love them is that there is no need for rules, or nonchalance. You're free to just be crazy about each other.

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  23. SO yeah, guys do feel like this. I have for everyday since 22/03/2008

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  24. I can totally relate to everything mentioned here. I've been overanalyzing and stressing myself for the past couple of months now.

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  25. I can relate to this post (like many others here) I act the same way, I try not to be to eager about things, but then when he's eager about something I can't give him the response that I want to give him cause I'm supposed to not care so much, but I care A LOT.
    I care enough to get extremely happy everytime he answers my "Hello" with his "Hallo". I care enough to get extremely sad everytime he say "I'm gonna go now. Bibi."

    But what make me the sadest is when he say "Talk soon" and I know that we won't talk for a long time cause he is to busy. He doesn't have time for me and cause I pretending to not care so much I can't say that I want him to have time for me. I can't say that I miss him.

    But my point is; I play this game cause I'm scared. Using the rules are always a fasade.

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  26. <3 this... unfortunately this is what we're taught, to not show we care, to let them show us how they feel, and they never seem to. But there is truth in 'all these crazy rules.' I just haven't seen it, because I seem to like the guys who don't like me back. But I'm going to take to heart what you all are saying, that there is a man out there for me. A man that will care, that will call, that will be just as crazy for me as I am for him. And I'm not ready to settle on some loser, who is annoyed at how hopelessly and unfortunately desperate I care for him...Like they say in, He's Just Not That Into You, if he likes you HE will make it HAPPEN. I have to keep telling myself this, all the time.

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  27. but, in the end this rules really works.

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  28. i just dont know what to do.

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  29. Crazy how these rules are in my head as well.. =/

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  30. i could never be nonchalance. i think we are not created as nonchalant... and we crave for emotions

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  31. Hahaha...rules are meant to be broken!

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  32. I thought this for a long time too, sometimes I still do. I just found that at some point you have to tell yourself to get over it, if he hangs out with you then it's because he likes you, even the over-thinking bit of you and especially the part that always wants to talk and talk (texting back too quick included). At some point you have to say screw the rules.

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  33. goodness gracious this is me

    i'm going to move past it and find a guy who i can be imperfect with

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  34. it sucks royally that we have to do these things.. I didn't do them in my last relationship and it bombed on me.. I know I'll have to follow these rules for the next one.. but I can't wait for the relationship where I don't have to play these games anymore..

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  35. i hate the rules!! :(

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  36. I know how you feel! these thoughts go through my head all the time. Hate the rules, but I play them too. And then a couple of days ago, I finally surrender and became honest with myself and him.

    Liberation, I suggest you try it.

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  37. It's not about playing games or following rules, in the right relationship you don't have to.

    A guy friend of mine once told me several things that struck a core with me. He said that guys WANT you to tell them everything, your fears your worries and your desire for them. But only when you're telling him how you feel, not what HE does WRONG and thus blaming him. Guys want you to be happy and they want to make you happy. If you blame him for everything he feels he failed in making you happy and unable to fix it. Guys want things to fix. And communicate with them all the time, never save something for later because it will become an outburst of issues. If you're not comfortable with him seeing a certain lady friend or something like that, tell him how it makes you feel right then and there; but without negativity and blaming him. Guys WANT you to adore them and tell them you want to be with them all the time. They even think a little jealousy and insecurity is cute. But never go the negative route, blame him or drag the past into the present.
    I've learned so much from this and I hope it can help others.

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  38. I feel exactly the same way!! I think the right person won't judge you because he will feel the same way for you!

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  39. just like everyone here I majorly hate the rules but overcoming them feels like the biggest accomplishment ever, so maybe they are there for a reason....to challenge us in order for the relationship to grow.

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  40. wow, this is well said! I must admit that sometimes i am too intense in my relationships with my boyfriend, and i am really sceared to scear him away! realtionships are so hard sometimes...

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  41. I'm an overthinker too...yeah yeah.
    When you feel unsecure about the relationship it feels like there's a need to follow all these rules. Truth is, the one relationship I was maddly in love, there was no time to think about rules. All we cared about was beeing with each other and beeing true to each other. In the end that's all that matters.
    It will only last if you can be yourself, fakeness dies away with time and so does the relationship.

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  42. seriously girls, this was my life for the past two years and it hurt so bad! now im with someone who i can just be myself with. i do those things and he loves it! its true what they say, when you meet the right person, you'll know :]

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  43. I'm definitely an overthinker. And I try to keep some of my rules, which are pretty much the same as the ones written in this post, but I always break them...

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  44. Yep. I get this. But I have decided that if someone is going to really, truly love me.. I want them to love me even if I am intense sometimes, over-analytical always, and my insecurities.. well, we all have those. Some hide them better or longer than others and insecurities change... I am definitely less insecure than I was before about some things and now I am newly insecure about some other things. My insecurities are part of my charm... someone, someday is going to get that completely. I keep working on me.. and keep my mind and heart open to all possibilities. It is the only way...

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  45. I have been in this boat time and time again. I keep telling myself that one day I won't have to play this game, but I end up playing it before I even realize what I'm doing. One would think I would learn.

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  46. Actually it's not entirely true that the guy is gonna be all over you just because he's "into you". A guy can be crazy about you, he may adore you like no one else but he'll be afraid to show it if he's not sure of what YOU feel. Sometimes you need rules, maybe not exactly those ones but some relationships just need drama and they work out just fine, maybe even better then the ones where you "never fight". You can never say that "when you meet the one you won't be needing any rules". It may work for most of people but never for EVERYONE cuz everyone's so different. So don't feel that the two of you shouldn't be together just because you need some rules, but there is a line for that too. It's just that different couples have different lines :)

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  47. oh my gosh, this is so true.
    I really felt this way with my last crush.
    Trying so hard to hide my feelings,
    that I hurt his.

    And then he left with some other girl.

    I hope I'll never make such mistake again.

    Thanks for your post!

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  48. thank you so much for this post.

    just this week, my boo and i had a million conversations about this...and although he realizes that i do some of these things naturally (i don't call or text...i hate "keeping tabs" on him), they are because i can't and i refuse to drive myself crazy worrying about a million things. it's actually made me happy...and when i do feel something and i tell him, he seems way more receptive to my crazy worries. we all get insecure and paranoid and nutty at some point(s) but i think it's how we deal with them that makes all the difference.

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  49. I so can relate.

    I'm still not sure if I should stop sticking with these crazy rules. Maybe when the time comes that I won't be too scared to show exactly how I feel without overthinking if he still feels the same way.

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  50. i know he loves me flaws & all. and i love him so intensely. i'm just scared of losing him, hence the insecurities. it is all just in my head :). he's so close to perfection it's terrifying. for him to accept all these irrational thoughts with nonchalant air only makes me fall more in love with him :).

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  51. this is so so very true.
    i really do hope that one day its possible to not have to follow all these rules and that we can just be ourselves
    go with our gut and heart
    as opposed to rules we've created.

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  52. I'm exactly the same... I just can't follow the rules...
    It kinda sucks.

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  53. have you been reading my diary? ha!
    i call it 'hyperthinking'.
    i've let all those rules go and am on a roller coaster. it's terrifying and exciting to be so open and vulnerable and free!. but i think he'll catch me and together we'll run with it.
    if not, i'll live to love another day. and he just wasn't ready for me.

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  54. I fell out of love yesterday and yesterday asked him please to leave me alone because he wasn't treating me the way i'm supposed to be treated and loved. It was just too little for what I was giving him back.
    I cried. A lot. He was the one I dreamed to be the ONE - as in father of my children.
    But I love myself too much to see me waist my time and love on someone who won't accept it - because he can't or doesn't want to be loved. By me.

    Love, love

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  55. I am dealing with the exact same thing right now in my relationship. Other people's comments have been saying how you should find someone who loves you for who you are, but what if you don't like yourself. What if you want to do these things because you feel as though it will benefit yourself?

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  56. That's why I lost him. After it was over, he said, "Why didn't you just tell me you were there to see Me? That would have made me so happy."

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  57. Beautiful, we started with rules and the big book but we quickly realized it rules just don't work for us. We just have to be us and if you go over the top sometimes...maybe you will find me there already. Ace

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  58. I dont even know what nonchalance means(but i get the meaning).This is just stupid. Always be true to yourself first.

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  59. You just read my mind.

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  60. I used to have this all the time, but now we're together, and most of the time it's okay. He knows most of me now :]
    I don't think it's necessary, but I can't help it.
    Make sure you don't lose yourself, dear :]
    xx

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  61. absolutley beautiful, I have read this so many times and it is so very true. Even if it is only sometimes. But i think that sometimes guys think this way to, not as much as girls though. We make up so may rules, and i think it is somtimes a shame because the rules can sometimes hide ourselves away. But yet again some of the rules such as not being to jelious are good because we learn to not care about other girls, to trust and just enjoy each others company without worring about someone else coming along. Brillient writing.

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  62. I've read this over and over and over. This is a feeling which is very hard to put into words, but you have done it beautifully. I believe everyone have to overcome that "nonchalance" and "indiffernce" as you describe, many times during our lives - this is a reminder. I've hung this on my bedroom wall.

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  63. Speaks my life in VOLUMES. sometimes I wonder if he feels that too or is he really just THAT nonchalant lol ....I wonder if i come of as trying to be nonchalant.

    *sigh* oh love lol such a funny game we play

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  64. Your text really touched me. You described what many teenagers feel which is the need to be who everyone else wants us to be, and to be who the boy we love wants. We go through many things to feel as though we could be that kind of person. I love the way you described you you wanted to be but made a contrast with who you really are, and how things pressure you. Great job.

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