Sunday, October 11, 2009

please understand


deviant art: thirdeyee

it happened just like every other time. different place, different people, different words, i thought even a different me but still the same outcome. it always comes out the same. i think ive moved on, i think im ready to be friends again, i think im over him. so i start a conversation, begin catching up, rebuilding, starting over. every time im so positive that this time will be the last time that he and i have to become friends, this time will be different, this time it will work. this time everything i want will come true. i was so sure this time.

we're friends, we're together, we're hurting each other, we're fighting, we're alone again.

then we give each other some space and try it all over again. you would have thought at least one of us would learn from the millionth time. but neither of us do.

loves meant to be simple. if you love him and he loves you then you are in love. if you are in love you are together. its never been like that though. not even from the first minute we met.

i fell for him almost as soon as i saw him. there was just this amazing link between the two of us. it was so strong people neither of us knew picked up on it. it wasnt that i had a crush on him, it wasnt that i liked him, it was more. i was in love, not that i knew it at that point. and then it started. i fell and he didnt. i changed he fell i changed back. we were together and then we werent. we moved on then we moved back. and sure enough we ended again. he fell and i didnt. i fell and he couldnt. but then he did. i finally caught on and fell into him. at that moment we fell evenly, finally. we were equals in love, nobody was king and nobody was jester. and it was wonderful. then we both fell away. and then back together.

and now im stuck right back where i was. completely in love and with a totally broken heart. i want more than anything else to be able to accept that we arent going to go anywhere because we arent. i just want to be at the stage where i know in my mind and my heart that while we arent going to work god dammit we gave it our best shot. and its not that i havent tried everything i can think of to move on. you can bet your life that ive tried every trick in the book. in fact i rewrote the book, adding in all my crazy desperate ideas that i tried once i had exhausted the book. but still when i lie awake at night im left wondering if i really did try everything. if i really did try my hardest. or if i only made it look like that. because, really, deep down somewhere even though he is so wrong for me and i am so wrong for him maybe i dont want to stop loving him. but the smart thing, the logical thing to do is to get the communication happening between my head and my heart. get my head to make my heart see reason. get it to see the truth about me and him. we dont work. we wont work.

we arent the right kind of wrong. we arent the wrong kind of right. we are just the wrong kind of wrong.

being right means that i wont have him to tell me that mum didnt mean what she just said.

being right means that i wont get any more applogy texts cause he fell asleep on me the night before.

being right means that i cant claim a bed to myself after parties that he hasnt gone to.

being right means that i wont have him to cover me in sand when i fall asleep at the beach.

being right means that i dont have him to convince me to miss school or work cause he knew that i secretly wanted to spend the day with him.

being right means that i dont have an offer from him to warn off guys for me, even if its just an offer.

being right means that i wont be thinking about him when im singing along to love songs.

being right means that i cant have anymore of his goodbye kisses.

being right means that i wont have him.

being right means that i loose everything that has made up the past two years.

so i know that this isnt going to work. i know that i am going to get hurt again. i know that my friends will have run out of sympathy by the next time i come crying to them. i know that im missing out on wonderful people by being caught up with him. i know that im not going to come out of this alive. but also i know that im in love.and im not ready to let that go just yet.or ever.

so lets be wrong together. not the good kind. not the right kind. the wrong kind. our kind.

cause i know no matter how much i deny it, not matter what i tell my friends, no matter who im with or what im doing, im thinking up ways to make us work.

by bec

58 comments:

  1. can i just say that this post by far touches my heart... i feel i am in the same situation with my bf and dunno what to do. we're wrong together but even more wrong apart and i cant leave him no matter how much it hurts cuz i'm not ready... just lovely post i connect with it a lot

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  2. oh my heart. I feel you.

    Jules

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  3. Natasha, I know what you mean. And I say don't leave him until you know you will be okay without him, even if you think you're wrong with him. I left my boyfriend of 3 and a half years but didn't realize until too late that I didn't think of how awful I'd feel without him. We had our troubles, but I would have rather suffered through them with him then to not have him at all. And now it's too late.

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  4. i don't know the ins and outs of yours, my dear. i had this with a boy for nearly 2 years on and off. he was an alcoholic, he was terrible to me, he lied and manipulated and even had a secret girlfriend TWICE. part of me, tiny parts, still loves him and wishes with all of my heart that he could be the person he kept promising to become. i miss him more often than i admit. so much so i feel an ache all the time. but i hate him so so so much. all of my friends hate him. they nearly wanted me to get a restraining order. i realize he's terrible for me. doesn't really care or he wouldn't have lied and manipulated and yelled and such. i know it's wrong and i hope one day very soon it will not hurt and i will not wonder why. i will not wonder at all. but i can't help but feel a phantom pain like it should still be there, even when it's dead and gone.

    i know i could have him back but i owe it to myself to at least try and see if maybe i deserve someone who doesn't have to apologize every day because they hurt me once more. i have to pray someone new, someone better, someone honest and someone true, is out there.

    and i hope you find him, too.

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  5. and all the lovers in the world,
    couldn't bring her heart back.

    i feel you.

    http://peaceloveelife.blogspot.com/

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  6. whoever wrote this... i absolutely love you.

    i couldn't have said everything you just said any better.

    and i couldn't feel it more clearly than you do.

    oh i feel for you.

    and i love you.

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  7. This post left me in chills. I just got over the same situation, two years of frustration, excitement and despair all cause by this insane amount of love I had for someone who claimed he loved me too." i know that my friends will have run out of sympathy by the next time i come crying to them." And that statement struck a cord too because my friends ended up resenting when I would come to them hurt because he had hurt me so many times. But honestly, we love what hurts us. I got over that relationship, and I moved on to one that feels like is going to end up the exact same. Right feelings, wrong feelings, jealousy, love,bad timing, bad locations. I'm hoping, for our sake, that it's just a phase.

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  8. wow. nothing has ever touched my heart in this way--

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  9. this is my life. every single bit of it. whoever wrote this, i will pray for you. know there is someone out there, who knows how bad it hurts.

    love you. xoxo.

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  10. Wow... there seems to be a lot of us out there who know how much this hurts. Myself included. This brought tears to my eyes... xoxo

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  11. my boyfiend just broke up with me and then asked to get backtogether with me, so i know exactly what you are going through. reading this post made me feel like you were reading my heart and mind! its so sad though, i think i can only cry so much before i run dry.

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  12. I feel this. I'm in this. This scares me, because it consumes so much, I was hoping that there was a chance to be free.

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  13. the chance to be free, is out there, right in front of you. just expose your feelings, your love. be happy! joy life and love.

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  14. yesterday i heard he doesn't love me. for the first time. after 3 years of being with him and giving all of me. the past 4 months were the worst in my life. I knew it was coming.
    today I can finally breathe.
    I am free. and I will enjoy my life.
    right?
    I do love this post. that's exaclty what I went through.

    /Anke

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  15. Oh my. I cried so hard. I'm not exactly in the same place but close enough. And I am scared of how long I will be holding my heart open only for him.

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  16. and again.
    so beautiful..
    i know, things will work if they meant to work.
    if not, then somethings better is waiting to come:)

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  17. i feel like that was written for me. i feel like that is my heart written in text on the screen, i feel like i sleepwalked last night to my computer and wrote this. amazing how alone you feel unitl you read something like this, amazing.
    love the girl who promise him that was the last time.. two times ago x

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  19. Our emotions seduce our mind so so much. I totally understand who difficult you feel in this situation cos i'm in it too.

    Stay strong honey, let us all.

    To all the wrong people we fell for, we still love you with all our heart despite wanting to get away from you so damn bloody much.

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  20. I have stood where you are standing. I have wrapped myself in the argument's you're using - and made them a comfortable blanket to block out the truth.

    When you can finally just feel the hurt and pain - but say no to it; acknowledge that you deserve more - you'll move on.

    Right now, it's an addiction. An addiction so tempting you'll use any excuse to get another fix. You've watched others jump in this hole before you and you know its truth. But you'll only be ready when you're ready and even a million posts by all of us - reading you and holding you will never change all that.

    I'm one year on and I'm so much better - like getting clean! I still wonder very occasionally if I lost my soul mate. But then we all keep wondering that, til one day, we don't.

    Be brave and let it go - but if you can't, do it fiercely and beautifully and with all your heart. I wish you all the best. It's what we all deserve x

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  21. after being on this blog every day for weeks, i've determined that love makes everyone a phenomenal writer.

    thank you for sharing.

    i am in the exact same place, except i moved across the country to stop myself and hold to it. and it still kind of isn't working. :\

    - lauren xoxo

    laurennicolelove.blogspot.com

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  22. This could actually be my story. It's exactly the same.

    It's kind of nice to know that I'm not the only one.

    Kind of.

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  23. i really feel for you.

    follow your heart :)

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  24. i feel like someone is holding my heart and squeezing so hard that it can't breathe....

    bravo on a great post

    x

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  25. you write simply and intimately. i feel the pain through your words and i can identify with the wrong kind of wrong. and i think that's what pains me most, the fact that somewhere out there in the world, someone is going through the same pain i'm going through. i wouldn't wish that on anyone. and if i could ever see any of you guys, i would reach right over and hug you tight and cry till we laugh.

    t

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  26. i feel exactly the same way.
    im caught in exactly the same whirlpool.

    have faith.

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  27. An unexpecting, surprisingly hopeful ending. Not sure it's healthy for your heart, though.

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  28. it's stupid. i need something happy, there are only sad stories lately. enough.

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  29. awesome blog

    come check out the first ever fashion blog from a guys POV, let He know what you think

    fashionbyhe.blogspot.com

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  31. I've totaly lost my words cause' this was sooo extremly.. like I said no words !

    I'm suprised that we are so many out there that have been feeling this, someone that can't be more wrong that tears you apart but still you can't stop loving.

    Just, don't let go if you're not ready, stay as friends if that is possible. If you are meant to be it will end up that way someday. Or at least I will always believe that, cause or els my hopes is just empty lies.

    Be true to your heart and it will set your brain free.

    Peace.

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  32. Dear Bec,

    I have been in a very similar situation. It's been three years since I parted ways with my wrong/right bf. In the end, I wrote and wrote to him in every form there is. But I asked him to stay away, because it was something that I needed to resolve on my own.

    I knew then that I would never be finished with him in my heart, but today things are dramatically different.

    Like you, he and I seemed to be the only ones that knew what to do with each other. No one knew him the way I did, and I felt that he knew me more than I knew myself. I know today that neither of us knew anything. Why? Simply because no one that knows themselves would hurt someone that they love. We were poison for each other, but once we walked away, we both had the freedom to be good to ourselves and follow our dreams.

    Today, I am engaged to a man that loves me more than life. He accepts me as I am, never belittles me, and always tries to help me see the good things in myself when I am feeling down. Although I don't feel that this man is "our kind," as you put it, I feel he's better. We cling to our respective beauty and the joy we get from seeing each other succeed-- not to our shared weakness or flaw. We are aware of imperfections, but realize that nothing is WRONG, not in ourselves, not in each other, as long as we are trying our best and being true to ourselves.

    I hope that you too can find the sense of liberty that I am speaking of-- because you deserve it, everyone does.

    You just have to let yourself free.

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  33. Love is never simple, but ahhh it is worth it. x

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  34. broke my heart.. but its just love.. what can we do. brava on the post.

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  35. Bec.

    i have only Just read this and i understand how ya feel to be on such an emotional rollacosta.

    There is someone out there for you. who will treat you the way you should be treated and will care for you and who will love you no matter what,who will look past all of those little insecurities and who will always be there. i know that no relationship is perfect. Try to let this guy go and maybe another Man will meet you through another one of lifes paths. It may take time, but its so worth it. No one deserves to be hurt like this. i hope you find him and your heart is mended.love is made up of a million little things.
    i hope you find it and it makes you happy.

    ill pray for yu. x

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  36. this is so beautiful...exactly how i feel. he just left me for someone else and i'm dreading the moment that he comes back to me (it will happen, i'm sure) because i just won't be able to push him away.

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  37. you said everything beautifully

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  38. Wow...this is amazing. I was in the same situation as you until yesterday when he told me he just didn't feel it anymore. I'm hoping that that is what I needed to hear in order to finally move on. I hope that I won't ever have another weak moment when/if he ever happens again.

    Thank you for that. :)

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  39. um..I could've sworn I wrote this. I mean, it sounds like me, it's MY situation, this has to be ME...

    Bec...I feel ya girl. No really, I've been in that EXACT situation for 3 years and I've just accepted the fact that I gave him a little piece of me that I'll never get back. Shit, I don't want it back. Even though I know he doesn't want it either, I can't take it back..I've tried. Plus, it's his. I gave it to him...

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  40. It's so amazing: you've just described my life.

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  41. Close to home post - really fantastic.

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  42. This is so me my t-shirt's soaked in tears right now.

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  43. This happened to me too. I am almost a year and a half out of it. It still comes back to haunt me at times. But I am continuously happier, more confident, and doing better in all areas of my life as a result.
    The most important thing I have learned from this is realizing what it really means to be treated well. It allows you to be truly vulnerable and in love.
    The most important reason I feel like it happened is that I appreciate so much more how well my new amazing man of a boyfriend treats me. Who knows if I would have otherwise? The bad times help you learn what happiness really means to you.
    I wish you the best. And my advise for moving on is to get away, out of town. Move abroad for a year if you can. It would be the best thing that ever happened to you.

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  44. Eight Years. I knew him since I was 13. We have been on a off for eight years. When we broke up last summer he said it was the last time. And he meant it. And I will never ever stop being in love with him. I see him all the time and I am being SO strong, not letting him know how much it kills me just to be his friend. As I type this I'm crying, for the first time in weeks im letting myself cry over him. Im in love with him and I miss him. I don't care if were wrong, were perfect. I wish he knew that.

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  45. Oh my god. I completely understand this. My heart hugs you.

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  46. hi, i found ur blog through Defining Amy..
    i completely and utterly understand everything that u wrote....i just went thoruhg something like that.. and am still going through it. it sucks.

    could i ask you... i have been doing all broken heart stories on my blog from my readers and i was wondering if i could use this for it?? i would properly credit you and everything.

    let me know, not big deal if i cant.

    take care
    xoxo

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  47. My heart goes out to you. I know how this feels.

    He's not my boyfriend anymore but I'm still trying to think of ways to make things work for us.

    Two thumbs up for the awesome post.

    This hit me right where it hurts.

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  48. Such a bittersweet situation.

    Hope this works out in the end.

    Hope this gets a happily ever after, even if happily ever afters don't exist.

    Hope you can take care of yourself :)

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  49. That was truly beautiful!
    I haven't tried it to your extend, but now I know how it feels.

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  50. this is the story of my life. :(

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  51. Wow, that pretty much describes what I'm going through right now. had been with my GF for 4 years and we've been broken up for about 1 year now. We still talk and keep in touch but it was in that 1 year we were apart it seemed like we couldn't let each other go. Like one of the girls posted here I think it's when you can finally let go and be on your own will you know/realize if that person is the one for you. It's hard when you know that person inside and out and they know the same way as well. As it is it's rare to find someone who can understand you for you and still manage to stick around regardless. So yea, when someone like that does manage to come around it's hard to let go. More so if within those 4 years so much has happened, so much was shared, given and taken away.

    But anyways...I feel for you. Hopefully things work out well for you.

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  52. its really heart touching.. n i m feeling the same... its really hurt...even i cant tell whats my feeling.. by this blog... i can understand whats my feeling.. :'(

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