Thursday, October 29, 2009

i don't know what I feel.


verabiryukova

I had an online-relationship for one year with a guy across the atlantic. I loved him, he loved me. It sounds stupid(even to me) since this was online, but we were in love. I never believed in internet love before this happened. I was wrong. I remember that (one of the times) we talked all night, I asked him a question: "Do you believe that there is a perfect person out there for everyone?". "Yes. But I don't have to look for that person.... I already found her." He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I wanted that too.

A week later, things went very wrong. He wouldn't speak to me, told me he needed time to think, and wouldn't tell me why. I shut up for a while, but then he started writing stuff on his screen name. And I didn't know what was going on so I pretty much assumed he'd found someone else. He had stuff like "I love you" in french, romantic song lyrics and so on. And the picture that I once sent him, saying: "Escape with me".

I tried to talk to him. He ignored me. For many days. I sat up whole nights trying to find out what I'd done. Then he said he wouldn't talk to me again. I spent a three weeks crying. I had blocked him so I wouldn't have to stare(I would literally stare) at his suggestive screen names, and keep hoping that he would talk. After those three weeks of crying, I unblocked him, asked him "is this how things are going to be? are we never going to speak again?". His reply were some extremely hurtful and rude messages, one of them saying something like "says the one who deleted me off everything." and I told him why I deleted him, and that "it hurt too much to just see those things, and you wouldn't even explain anything". He once again said some hurtful things. I'd had enough, and told him that he was acting so stupid, and that I hadn't done anything that could give him any possible reason to act that way towards me. And I shut up. And he shut up.

A week later, he talked. "hey.. I just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry". "for what". "for being a huge asshole the past month... I've wanted to talk to you all week but I didn't have the guts". I told him that he had some explaining to do. He told me he was in a car crash with someone close, who died. He'd started blocking out everyone he really cared for, pushing them away, thinking they'd be better off then. He also said he knew it was no excuse for what he'd done and said to me. Worst part about that, I think I forgave him the second he said "hey" that day. Because I really truly loved that guy. I told him that I wanted to have normal conversations with him. It was great. One thing though - we talked like friends. I got used to the idea of it being that way - that we weren't meant to be.

Then, out of the blue, someone I'd become friends with those past 6 months, confessed to me that he was in love with me and wanted to take me out. Since my "ex" (we were never girlfriend&boyfriend, we were free to do whatever we wanted, althought both chose each other) seemed to have moved on, I thought I'd focus on that too. And I said yes. As of now, I've been with this guy for about 8 months, and he's really amazing and loves me and we have a lot of fun. I haven't been able to say the three words yet, though (and I REALLY want to be able to say them). I am not sure if it's because I still have feelings for my "ex"(don't know if I do! but I can no longer PICTURE my future with him) or if it's because I somehow now don't have enough trust in guys.

About two months ago my "ex" confessed to me that he still loves me, and never stopped loving me. He has accepted me having a boyfriend, and we are now really good friends, but I can tell he's jealous. And when he told me I just instantly started crying. Why? Was it because I wanted him to say that 7 months sooner? Or because I was happy.. I don't know. After I sort of felt like I was "free".

I don't know what I feel. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I really wish I knew just what to do, and how to do it. I might love my boyfriend, if so, I haven't realised it. Sometimes I wish love was easier, but I guess it's not supposed to be. I feel like a bad person for even thinking all of these things. But I needed to share it with someone.

-girl.

32 comments:

  1. I have so been there before... The first question is are you happy with your current boyfriend? Do you see yourself having a future with him? Is he still across the Atlantic? Does the distance bother you?

    Did your ex make you happy? or happier than your current guy? Did you see a future with him?

    A lot of questions, sorry. Essentially when I was in this position, I tried to think of who made me the happiest, who loved me for me. Also who I saw a future with. Some people are just there to teach you things.

    Hope you feel better...

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  2. Love can be so confusing, especially when the relationships you have with the guys seem so different (one is long distance, the other is with you)! I'm sure you will figure everything out, and be happy with your decision!

    Good luck!

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  3. Being human doesn't make you a bad person. You make have wanted to cry because those words were exactly what you wanted to hear so long ago. I guess it's time to really question where you want to be and make sure you don't hurt anyone in doing so...although you might. its very hard and confusing I know. but only you know your heart. Follow it.

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  4. I know how you feel and I'm bething with the same situation as well. So confused.. Let figure out as soon as possible. ching

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  5. stupid as it sounds- and I'm sorry-but I've heard that all before,I mean the story the guy told you, why he had blocked you and stuff like that.
    I mean, sorry, but don't you think if he really loved u and u were so close to him, he would just hurt u instead of telling what happened?!
    And why would he have, some I love you sayings in other languages?!
    I really think,he's not the one he pretends to be, so good luck and all the best to you with your new bf! <3

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  6. I had a long distance relationship for 2 years. We were planning on getting married and I actually saw a future with him. I would have had to move to another country and leave family and friends. I loved him and he loved me.

    But it's not real. You can never have the same thing with them as you can with someone who can physically look you in the face and tell you they love you. There is no substitute for a warm hug when you need it; a computer screen or the phone just doesn't do it.

    You are allowed to love whomever you choose but that doesn't mean you have to pass up other love.

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  7. The stories on this site are always so beautiful. Love is such a complex thing, I love the line at the end, "Sometimes I wish love was easier, but I guess it's not supposed to be." Sigh. How true.

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  8. i love this blog and i live for all the stories! Please post more stories it really makes my day, doesn't matter if they are sad or happy!

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  9. I think we always have that one person that we cannot forget. You can think 'what if' and ponder on it, but what's more important is what is in front of you now (cheesy, i know). I agree with Elizabeth, 'There is no substitute for a warm hug when you need it; a computer screen or the phone just doesn't do it.'

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  10. I think you felt free because you now know that you were never undeserving of love. You were always loved, even if your "ex" never ballsed up enough to tell you so.

    But now, it's time to find love where love will treat you right. Because you deserve that.

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  11. Hello, i'd just like to say that your blog is so lovely and i really enjoy reading all the real life situations.

    Good luck with your decision on which lover to choose!

    x

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  12. your "ex" seems like a very selfish person who's only into you when it's convenient for him. it sucks enough that he ignored you and was rude to you through no fault of your own, and it's totally not fair for him to have told you that he loves you when he knows you have a boyfriend. everything seems to be about his own timing only, without care or consideration for your needs and feelings.

    also, i totally agree with the others who commented that long-distance relationships give you a false sense of intimacy. when you actually get together with the guy physically, you will get to see how he treats others (b.c knowing how he treats you is not enough to judge a man's character), and you will see all of his messiness that he's never had to share online. that's the danger of online relationships - each of you only have to present what you want to present, and you never fully know the other person. (i'm speaking from experience.)

    all that said, i'm glad you have a boyfriend now who seems like he's really into you, and i think you could be really into him too, once you have closure regarding your "ex". just close that door!

    good luck! :)

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  13. Yeah, I agree with the anonymous above me, you never know the other person fully online. I've been there too, and it still hurts to think of it. Of course sometimes these long distance relationships might work, but it's like one in a million.
    Lol, it hasn't been very long since an online love broke my heart, i actually cried when i read this story.

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  14. I think you should go to your ex someday, just so that you can see what you're feeling when you see him.

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  15. reading this i questioned if you've ever actually met your ex?

    In this new age technology world, feelings can deffinietly develop via the internet, etc. but I think a phyical relationship between you two would be much more benefical. (Even if this only happens a few times a year, personal contact is essential!!) I'm currently in a long distance relationship and it's the hardest thing i've ever had to go through and sometime i wonder if there are things that i'm missing out on by not having that boyfriend physical presence in my life on a day to day basis..

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  16. I used to like this blog, but now there is too much to read. I'm sick of super long stories. Change it up!

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  17. I am affraid of that thing to happen me, also in love with a person across the atlantic.

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  18. I really loved this story!
    But, as I can see, you still want this interney guy and I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you´ll, someday, share your life with him.

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  19. You have to cross the atlantic and meet the guy. Or ask him to do that for you. Or settle a place, not your or his country, to meet each other. Why give up on love?

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  20. I love this blog.
    The stories remind me and make me reflect on past loves and part heart aches. Past heart aches are a constant coming to terms process.
    To this girl, listen to the comments, they are wise, because everyone has been through these types of things.
    Also, my greatest lesson in these times is to get space with family and trusted friends who you feel yourself around. In those moments of safety you'll find clarity.
    At the end of the day, be fair to be people in your life, and always be brave enough to be true to yourself.

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  21. Also, I agree with the comments. Internet boy is selfish and his treatments, regardless of the circumstances, it is a red flag. The continuous degrading speech toward you is not acceptable, and it will not be the last time he childishly treats you in that manner.
    It sounds like the guy you are dating sees you for yourself and loves you. Like he is the kind of guy you grow up to appreciate after being hurt.
    But at the end of the day, I'm guessing you are at a young age in your life, so if you aren't sure, take time to be on your own. This is your time.

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  22. this story really hit home for me. as i was reading your story i felt as though i had written it. four years ago i had an online relationship with what i thought at the time was the love of my life. he did exactly the same thing to me that your ex did to you. four years later, i have been in love, gone through a few serious relationships, and yet i think about my "ex" every single day. i measure every guy up to him. i can't remember ever feeling more in love and having love feel more perfect than when it was with him. here are some key things that i need to remind myself, if only so that i can move on with my life.

    i remember that my memory of that life with him was naive. it was all built up in my head. i still think of him as this perfect guy, even though he has hurt me so much. but you cant ignore all the bad because of the good. the bad happened too.

    i remember that a lot of the time i cant move on from him because i will always wonder 'what if' - it terrifies me that i will walk down the aisle one day and all i will be thinking is what if i had really given my ex and that relationship a shot. this is a hard one because you'll never know. but the truth is, he gives you your answer every day that he doesnt spend being with you. theres no what if. he chooses every day to not be with you, and the inaction implies no answer, but in fact that IS your answer staring you straight in the face.

    i remember that he is selfish for not including me in the discussion, in the decision of not being together. he doesnt care about you because if he did he wouldnt only come to you at his own convenience.

    finally, i remember that i love disney movies. this is significant because the story of how you met, its very fairytale. its such a good story, and the idea of ending up with the person in that crazy story is somewhat magical because of how bizarre it is. but real love is not disney.

    love shouldnt be difficult. it should be simple. because when you are with the right person, even the hard stuff becomes easy.

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  23. it sounds to me like your "ex" is someone you love really and truly. but sometimes the ones you love the most aren't right for you. sometimes they just keep hurting you over and over and act like they don't really love you cause sometimes they don't. and i've learned that the ones you can't have you just love more, but it's not really love it's just that you can't have them.
    if i were in your position i would choose the internet guy because i'd be blinded by love, but since i'm not, i would choose the boyfriend. i can't think of any successful relationships/marriages that came with such hardships as the ones with the internet guy.
    maybe if you try seperating from both guys for a little while, you can see who you love the most. or maybe if you try acting to yourself like you love your boyfriend, you'll find out you really do.

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  24. The truth is, it doesn't matter what ANYONE commenting here says. You know how you feel and at some point you're going to have to make a decision to either go with your feelings or forget them. You can't have both. You'll either make the right choice and be happy or you'll make a mistake and learn. Either way, you're on your own path.

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  25. your ex probably isn't who you think he is. when you're close to someone you've never met before the way that you are, you make up this guy in your head, someone that you need him to be. and i'd bet if you met, had a relationship, day to day... he would be someone else.
    at the same time, if you're with this new guy for the past 8 months and are still thinking about your ex, you probably don't love him. maybe you never will. maybe it just needs more time. but you'll never find out if you don't move on from your past relationship and start living your life.

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  26. Stick with your boyfriend.

    Its always greener on the other side. Been there, done that.

    The internet isnt real. It can hug you and be with you etc.

    Also what another commenter say is true as a bird: he chooses every day to not be with you, and the inaction implies no answer, but in fact that IS your answer staring you straight in the face.

    If he really wanted you, he would make it happen. And he didnt. Also there is never an excuse for acting like a jerk and hurting you.

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  27. sounds like a happy ending

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  28. Maybe he didn't love you, but was just happy with you, the way you are happy with the other guy. Maybe now that you have a boyfriend he's not getting to spend so much time with you and it's making him mad. Maybe he just wants your time more. Maybe you would get mad too if your boyfriend would not spend that much time with you.

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  29. Maybe you should tell him that you love him (the online guy). And he should be sincere too.

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  30. So, I don't actually believe this will work.

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