Monday, July 11, 2011

what do I do now?

what do i do now? love photo love image, http://weheartit.com/entry/5997506/via/Arkmage
ph: wehearit

I love love love your blog and love looking and reading all the little details, especially the comments underneath, it is such a great way to know your not alone sometimes and that everyone goes through these tricky situations. My current situation is a very long story, and a rather complicated one too. I feel I am so out of control and stuck and like everything has gone not the way I planned, and I have no idea what to do. What is real love? Why does the heart trick me? This is my story ....

When I was a 14 I fell for a boy older than me ( he was 18), we hung out for a few months one summer before his friends started to give him stick for us hanging out. Nothing sexual ever happened between us, although I was sure he was the one. He told me one day that nothing could happen between us because of our age and, what I see as selfless, he said I should go on and live my life and that maybe one day in the future when timing was better and age was not a problem we could be together. I was heart broken, that was that, done, gone, he stopped replying to my texts and calls. I was gutted and it took me sleepless nights of tears to get over him.

My darling lovely boyfriend, we met at school when I was 16, and it was fairy tale love from the start. Nothing kept us apart, it really was the best relationship. Honesty, friendship, communication, love. My first. It was amazing. He made me so happy, he adored me. It was perfect. Then we grew up, as childhood sweethearts, and now in my 20's I have the natural nagging feeling I get when he annoys me, or takes me for granted. After 6 years its not the same as it was. Same old story, my heart wanting to let go, his heart not letting me go. I feel trapped. But he is so sweet to me, he is so good to, too good that it makes it hard to want to end it, even though I feel trapped and wanting to fly my wings on my own without his loving restriction.

And then out of nowhere 'he' is back in my life, my friend from all those years ago, suddenly the chemistry is back, its so good, those butterflies which i hadn't experienced in years were back, with more force than ever. It was thrilling. But i made a mistake, a terrible mistake, not knowing what my head and my heart want I broke the relationship trust, I made an error in action, but not once, but twice, on two different occasions. And now i've become 'that' person. The person everyone in a relationship hates, the person we all think of in disgust, because I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment with an old flame during a rocky patch in my relationship.

What do I do now? Do i cut him out my life, my first real love who I never got to have anything with because of bad timing and age difference. He says he's sorry for putting me in this position, and that he'll respect whatever I decide. He hasn't put any pressure on me to break up with my boyfriend.

My darling on the other hand, had no idea, he knows that i've been a bit of a mess with deciding what i want in life, but he has stood by me waiting for me to come back and be his sweetheart. On some occasions I am on his sweetheart, not how we used to be, but we have an amazing history together which I never want to give up, or destroy or harm in anyway ... but i suppose I have already broken it haven't I ?

What do I do? i'm so split, one part of me says cut out the old flame and don't ruin what I have, and what could be amazing for a bit longer OR break off what clearly hasn't worked for along time, and take things slow with this old flame and see what happens. I don't feel like i deserve the love of my boyfriend, but i don't know if i can handle dealing with his broken heart on top of mine, it might kill me, i will be a mess.

Do i come clean about my mistakes ? Or carry on as normal ?

I've been so lost and confused for so long now, i am moving abroad for a year in a few months to get some head space, drastic I know, but that's what it has come down to. I just don't know if i can wait till then to decide what to do ...

a lost little soul x

44 comments:

  1. Dear Lost soul.. go to your darling and leave the old love. You owe it to him for his committment to you and the fact that he's been with you when you were a mess. The old love wouldn't have put you in this position, heck he'd have claimed you the moment he laid eyes on you when you met first.
    Your darling has a history with you, a present and I daresay a future too..Best of luck and love!

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  2. Your destiny is in your hands. Think like it and act like it with each passing moment. :)

    honeylovesandrew.blogspot.com

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  3. Come clean with your mistakes. If you love him enough, you owe it to him. Your significant other seems amazing. It is normal to get restless in relationships. Nothing will every seem as fairytale as it was at the beginning. Relationships are living, breathing things.

    If you honestly do not feel like your current relationship has long-term potential, then you at least owe your boyfriend the explanation. It might break his heart, but it might make letting you go easier for him.

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  4. Someone once told me that "if you love two persons, go with the second because if you really had loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second". What I'm trying to say is go with you darling!

    But either way, things will be okay in the end. Follow your heart at the same time as you use your brain. If 'he' really loved you, he wouldn't have let you go the first time. Right?

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  5. little lost soul,

    reading your post almost had me in tears because i am going through something scarily similar to you!

    I have a darling love also, for two and a half years now, who is and has everything i'd ever want. But i've always known i would need time to myself before i could commit to him forever; we got together at 18... too young for me. Lately i've been having those same feelings you described, wanting to spread my wings but he is so good to me and i don't know if i could live with myself if i let him go.

    Also like you, i am going away at the end of the year, which makes things both more complicated and simpler at the same time.

    I too made that terrible mistake on an extremely intoxicated night out. Wanting to spare him as much pain as possible, i decided that i deserved to carry the guilt and he didn't deserve to be hurt like that. I understand what it's like to get caught up in that moment.

    I think the question you need to ask yourself is, if you are capable doing that to him, is your heart as in it as he deserves it to be? I think this because it is the same question i have been asking myself for a month now... (if you figure out the answer, please let me know)

    Your heart is clearly a mess, you don't know what you want right now... what i definitely don't think you should do is go straight from your darling boyfriend to this old flame. If you decide to end your current relationship, time on your own is necessary - so i think it is good that you are going away. Maybe then you will miss who you are supposed to be with, and you'll just know :)

    Hope this helps xx

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  6. I was just in this predicament myself.. I was engaged to marry my love and the 'he' came back around. My darling and I had been having problems in our relationship and we both just gave up and I tried to make things work with 'him' again. I really should have known better because he gave me up so easily the first time. Now I am regretting giving up on my darling fiance and our relationship because we were so lovely and happy at one point maybe we could have fixed it. Now I get to be a single mom. But who ever really knows what the future holds. Live and learn! I wish you better luck than I had though.

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  7. My dear,

    I was in your situation before. but. I made the wrong choice. I decided to let go of what I took for granted and ends up getting hurt in return. Now, even though I'm trying hard to undo my mistakes, I know may not be possible. I've hurt the person I love deeply and this cant be erased. Think of what you have with your significant one. Tell him how you feel rather than hiding. Solve it together. If he loves you, he will understand. Someone who loves you, accepts everything.

    Loves,
    C.

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  8. Dear lost love,
    I think you should come clean for the true love that your current one showers on you. Every relationship has its up & downs and mistakes do happen. If he loves you truly, he will be more than willing to take you back. At least you owe an explanation for him.
    Analyzing the other side of the story, you have done the same thing "he" has done to you before. (at least hypothetically). Think of the pain you have undergone and is this what you are subjecting your current one to go through as well?
    One more angle to it is, Leave the current one for loving him truly. You should not have done this in the first place, and now that mistakes have happened, you cannot subject your loved one to this.
    This is completely my opinion, and it is not meant to be taken personally.
    In good faith, I wish you all the best for your next step and please keep me posted. I am interested in knowing the future.
    You can always contact me on my blog or my email - gsspradeep@gmail.com

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  9. by the way, i want to find a girl like you.

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  10. leave them both, obviously you had always been in a relationship, since way to young, you think you are in love with the first guy and its just a not closed episode, and you need space from the second person to grow, leave them both, enjoy your time abroad, get to know yourself, and discover options, the world, you. I almost sure you are not end with neither of this guys!!

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  11. Disgusting! Everyone is being too nice. You don't deserve your darling . You've already fallen out of love but like the way he makes you feel so you selfishly keep him along until you find those butterflies elsewhere. Well you've found them go chase after after them. You'll find that the magic of chasing butterflies is always only temporary and when they leave as they always will you be left with only yourself and whatever you got yourself into. I'm not sure your first love is good enough for you either, why by mad at him for trying to protect you? Go find butterflies outside the area of love for now.

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  12. Honestly? Given you've been in a relationship since you were 16 and you're what - 22 - now? From what you've written it sounds like to me you need some time out. I'm sure that no matter who you decide, if you feel like this now, you'll feel it again (and much worse) when you are 28 or so. Most women who have been in long-term relationships since a very young age don't know who they are anymore and wake up one day to discover they never did because they were always one half of somebody else.

    It's good to be independent too. Maybe then you'll see clearly who you should be with (maybe neither of the two).

    It's probably hard for you to understand this (and I know it's not what you want to hear) but trust me, when you're older you will.

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  13. Hey,your blog is so cute,I loved it.I'm from Brazil and i have been following a long time,but now I decided to write something in here.I just wanna say :You write very very well.Cogratulations!

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  14. hey. no one deserves to be in a relationship that the other part doesn't commit to. been there. so yes, of course it's gonna be a hell of a pain for you boyfriend with you leaving him, but it's the best. he deserves someone who gives him her whole heart, and you're not. don't make a bigger mess and waste more of his time than you already have. sorry if this seems harsh, I don't know you or him, but I'm speaking of my own experience, beeing in you boyfriends shoes once. good luck.

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  15. omg, 6 years, u may feel like a loser but he's there for you, some 18 yr old guy come saying u're too young for me is bcoz its not legal to get into ur pants yet, n nw that u're in ur 20s he comes out of nowhere,when u're in trouble n u need someone, dat time sure ur bf is there to help, not just thinking about putting butterflies in ur tummy, forget the old guy man, i've been in the same situation, i tot about the future, if it goes bad, who will come sitting next to me n help me up, def choose 6 yrs bf, ne go hug him n tell him u love him oh so very much!

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  16. PETRI DISH WHY ARE YOU SUCH AN A-HOLE. seriously, seems like almost every post you comment on you're mean to someone in some way. this girl is clearly going through hell, whether she's made mistakes or not. i recognise you're allowed to have an opinion but jeeez why do you feel the need to make someone else feel bad when they're clearly struggling already?? Keep it to yourself man.

    Lost soul- i'm feeling for you honey. I'm not going to bother telling you to do one thing or the other because i don't know either of these guys, but i will advise you to go with your heart and take some space until you know what your heart's telling you. everyone with a heart on this blog is with you my dear. Good luck xxxxx

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  17. Dear Lost soul,
    Usually I don't post comments, but I just been there myself, and the only edvice I can give you is to follow your OWN heart. Don't care what other people think and don't be afraid to leave your old, safe relationship if that's what your heart tell you to do.
    Belive me, you're not alone. and remember, life still goes on no matter what or who you choose.

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  18. i'm in the same situation. i've made numerous mistakes in the relationship i'm in, and in all honesty... i'm not sure what i'm going to do. I do love my particular darling, he is the best boyfriend I have ever had... but theres part of me that just cannot seem to commit. I don't know what it is. telling him is ultimately up to you... its your decision. i thought to myself, when it happened to me, what would i want to know? i said that if it was something that kept happening i would want to know, if it was something that you knew you could end, then i wouldnt tell him. just remember, that everything happens for a reason and that you ARE NOT a horrible person for doing what you did. it happens to the best of us.

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  19. Think on fate. Do you think it's a coincidence your old flame walked in to your life?
    Listen to your heart:
    ‎"Its hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone, if your heart still does"
    I wish you all the luck in the world.

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  20. I think you have to chose the older boy. Because you would never love him this way if you loved your boyfriend enough. It's hard, but almost always is this true. If you love 2 guys at the same time, chose the second one, because you wouldnt love him if you loved the first enough. And okay, you met the older one first, but that was a long time ago and you saw the in High School just as such a good opportunity and it was great. But I think that the other one is gonna be your great love.

    I'm a little bit in the same position. I'm 15 now and I met the boy of my life. And I really know: this is it. (He's 18 now) and I know that he feels the same. I know for sure, he didn't told me, but he told me without words you know. But we don't see each other very often so I don't really know what to do. I know that we will pass each other ways so many times coming years. We already did. Toooo many times, for usual.
    I hate it that we can't just be friends, but deep in my heart I feel that it'll all be great, but we just have to wait. If I think about it, it sounds so unreal. I think: give up, come on, get a life.
    But then my heart whispers; no no no, everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

    Sometimes, you just have to wait.

    But only after listening to your heart, and following your heart. Make your own disicions, chose what you want out of life, work for it, get it, make it, do it.

    But most of all: Love it.
    And you'll be loved in return

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  21. Well, 16-20 is a long time to be with a person at such a young age and it can cause restless feelings. HOWEVER, you owe it to your boyfriend not to betray his trust and string him along like that. Take some time for yourself, figure out what you want, and stop being selfish.

    In my honest opinion, the older boy is nothing more than a former fantasy that you were selfish in acting upon. You took advantage of your boyfriend's trust just so you could fulfill some fling you've been dreaming about for years. Some fling that you've draped in pretty language of true love and other meaningless shit when you actually take off the rose colored glasses that make you look good in your own eyes. Look at your situation realistically and see it for what it is. Even if you don't want your boyfriend anymore there's no reason for you to treat him like a doormat. Your cheating on him is already going to mess him up in the head anyway and screw over his future relationships not only for him, but for future girlfriends that will probably treat him better than you have. No wonder so many people always wonder if their significant other actually loves them or if they're just waiting around until someone better comes along with so many people like this in the world.

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  22. coukdnt agree more with Petri dish, you are just alittle girl.

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  23. Hey little lost soul :)

    take some time-out and think about what's good for you.
    Weigh the pro's and the con's and you'll find your way out.


    good luck and trust yourself with every decision you make. For you are the only one YOU can build on.

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  24. Being A guy I would want to know If MY GF had cheated on me. you said tha honesty had always been apart of your relationship. then you should tell him, Love Isnt a feeling its an action. The Feeling is just a chemical reaction inside your brain but the way you show that reaction is Love. So If you love your Current boyfriend you whould tell him and See what his response is.
    you can always work things out, It may not be easy but nothing worth having ever is. Except chocolate.

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  25. Come clean with your mistakes. When you go abroad, leave your baggage behind(figuratively speaking haha) and be single. Not saying that you go and sleep around, but I've learned that when you're not in a relationship and don't have to worry about anyone but yourself, and be...selfish(I guess you can call it that), you find what you truly want. You will find your peace. And if either guy truly loves you, they'll be waiting for you when you come home.

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  26. i say go for your first love. especially if right now you don't feel that your current relationship is going to last much longer. you could lost this opportunity at real love.

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  27. I must say: beautifully written. But still, the cheating thing.. I feel it's a bit heartless for your bf. No one should be treated that way, why won't you tell him? But of course it's your decision. Good luck with it!

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  28. all i'm gonna say is this: cheaters never prosper.

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  29. I've never quite been in this position myself, but still I think I know how you feel. The dream or thought of someone else can sometimes be enough to make you doubt the relationship you're in.
    What I think though is that you should try to work most of this out before you leave, I was away for a year and it is really hard to make those big decisions while far away. Tell him the truth, that you don't know what to do, and then go away find yourself (as so many others have said). Good luck, in some way it will work out!

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  30. Follow your heart. I know it's cheesy, but there's really nothing else to do. If it feels right in your stomach, then it probably is.

    It's the typical dilemma between the safe choice and the mysterious 'challenger'. I've been there too. It never worked out with the new guy, but I realized that since I started having romantic feelings for another person, maybe my relationship wasn't exactly as good as I though - or at least my commitment to it wasn't.

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  31. Go with your own heart. It may sound cruel, but neither you or your partner will ever forget the mistake you did, I know because I've been there. I never trusted my ex again after he cheated, even though we were together for 3 more years after that.. 3 years of not knowing if he would do it again, 3 years of being insecure.. If you have felt troubled in your relationship for such a long time, it is best for both of you if you end it. Believe me, I did not manage to end it with my ex before he did, I was so broken, but two months later here I am- happier than I have ever been! You need to find yourself again, LOVE yourself again. Spend the time abroad to do that, and only think about you for a change :)

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  32. break up with your boyfriend. you don't deserve him. there is no excuse to cheat.

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  33. an anonymous posted this in the comments: " I'm 15 now and I met the boy of my life. And I really know: this is it. "

    honey, you're just a child. this is NOT it. you won't be with him forever. wanna bet?

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  34. Dearie,
    You said it yourself, you want to be free. If you cheated on him, as you make it sound, you might as well accept that you -do not want to be with him- and let him go.
    This new boy, however, it's obvious you want him. Go. Be happy.

    Just stop living a lie, like suddenly denying our own happiness is going to make you stop pursuing it with your old flame.

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  35. leave your darling because you wouldnt have considered leaving them in the first place if you really loved them

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  36. When I stumbled upon your blog and realized I was hooked to your story. It was because I knew your story already. It sounded familar and flashbacks kept occuring in my head. Flashbacks of when I was 13 and "he" was 17. We "talked" for 6 months even though it seemed like a lifetime. Like yours he always had a problem with the age difference. Then when his friends found out and gave him hell for it. It was time to face reality which hit on his 18th birthday. I never heard from him again and as you said "I was gutted." I had many sleepless nights and many nights listening to saved voicemails of his voice. He helped me through a tough time that not many 13 year olds have to deal with. He literally saved my life and helped me face my own worse enemy...me.

    The difference between my story and yours is that he never came back. Im 20 now and I thought about what would happen if your story turned in to mine. What if he came back? The timing would be right and we could just pick up where we left off. The thing is the timing still wouldn't be right, because life is not a movie nor should it be. It's too predictable and that would be the biggest contradiction of life. If I was in your situation and my guy came back after all this time I wouldn't take him back. Even though my heart would want to.
    Why wouldn't I? Because it's tricking yourself into thinking you're moving forward with an old flame. When really your going back to the past to re-live it in a better time frame.
    Honestly, it would be going backwards in your life instead of walking in to your future. It sucks that you can't re-live an old flame as perfect as it might sound. But the point is he left, though for good reason he still left. Enjoy the time yall had and learn from it. Every relationship even short lived ones are a learning experience. Learn from him, learn that you can't go back in time. Appreciate the moments yall had and take a piece of him with you. Because that will never leave you nor haunt you or leave you questioning what if? It will leave you thankful. So don't go back with him you're not 14 and he's not 18 anymore that time has passed and leave it at that. Smile at each other and say goodbye with love.

    As for your boyfriend do the same. Say goodbye with love and take what you learned from your first longterm relationship with you. It might take awhile of healing and time to figure out what you learned, but when the moment comes it will be great. He's heart might be broken along with yours, but in time your heart will repair in a different, better, and stronger way. If he hates you, because you decide he is not what you want for the rest of your life then his true colors will show and they won't be bright. In the end do whats best for you whether it's taking into consideration other peoples advice or just listening to yourself. Sometimes you need to be selfish. If your always thinking of everyone else you will end up doing more damage to yourself and YOUR the one that you have to live with forever not everyone else.

    I hope everything works out for you. We're young so enjoy being young.

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  37. I have been with my partner for 4.5 years. I've become resltelss and broken up with him 3 times, and every time he finds away to fight, sweep me off my feet and make everything okay.
    I've hurt him deeply, but he doesn't care because he loves me. He just wants me by his side. If someone is willing to fight hard for you, the least you owe them is the respect to give it a go.
    And what's what I've done. We've been together for a solid two years this time, and every time we have a rough patch, he is the first one to try and sort it out.

    The people who stand by you are the most important. I think it's horrible you would go behind your darling's back. I understand how it happens, but there is always an option to say "no."

    Don't hurt the one who hasn't hurt you. He clearly doesn't deserve it.

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  38. The tone of your post screams that your relationship isn't working! You must be true to yourself and these men.

    Their hearts are not instruments for you to play.

    You cannot stay with someone because you have been through a lot together! It must be more!

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  39. He loves you and treats you well, it's rare these days to find that kind of a guy, I should tell you let the old flame go, but I feel sorry for your boyfriend cause he didn't deserv what you did, and I don't think he will trust you again if you tell him and nothing good will come out of it since not only will you hurt him, but relationship is build on trust, and I'm afraid you will lose his trust. But if you decide to stay with him and not tell him I don't think you will be able to live with your self every time he does something, nice or sweet for you cause you will only think of the thing you did and are hiding. I truly hope it will resort it self out.
    If you are thinking of letting him go, think of this, do you think you will find a guy that will measure up to him or will treat you as well as him? If no, then you know what you want to do!

    Lots of love
    firstclassical.blogspot.com/

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  40. Maybe a guy who treats you well is rare, but if you have doubts, take a break from him. You can't force yourself into staying with him because hes amazing.
    You should be in love, and getting butterflies from another guy means that you aren't. You're young and you live once... don't waste your time! I'm not saying go marry the once 18 year old, but try it out.
    Keep your options open. If it isn't going well currently and it's b-e-e-n good but isn't right now, MOVE ON. Things end. Even good things.
    Your current relationship isn't healthy, and you are wasting your boyfriends time also. It isn't fair for the both of you and just not right. I'm not suggesting it's easy but you have to make a decision according to your life. I don't see how you can go on like this, since if you stay with your boyfreind it won't get any better.

    Live well!

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  41. Hi there, little lost soul
    I really don't know what to say... I'm fourteen. Four years ago I met a guy who was six years older than me. He looked differently to me, I don't know why. Just being with him was all I wanted, all I needed because I was feeling like myself when he was around. But faith is a bitch: he lives in another city and we weren't always together. That, of course, didn't stop me. Last summer I told him that this between us may be more than friendship. So that's how it all started. We tried to live like that, seeing each other once a month. Of course, that sucked a lot but I've decided to wait until the summer holidays and surprise him. My second cousins live in his city and I was going to move there and really be with him. I was going to give up my family, my friends, my home, everything that I love for him. But he broke up with me January. I was just like a flesh without any trace of humanity. I've put on the "nothing's going on" mask, just in case if my mum or dad notice how depressed I was. I've been writing him every night about two months, trying to find out why, where's the problem, because he said that he doesn't love me anymore. Later I understood why I've been doing this: I knew deep inside that he's been lying. March I stopped begging and kinda moved on, or at least I've tried as becoming someone else's girlfriend. And then he decided to check what's the matter with me. He said he misses me, but as a friend. That was really painful after I found out that he wanted me back but he thought that I would be happier with this guy. And now I'm crying not because he has a girlfriend he thinks he loves, not because he said we may be together again after five years, but because I really got over him, my feelings are buried and he's like a brother to me. I feel that if he ever wants to come back to me, I will be in the same situation. And that's why I don't know what to say. You can be with the one you love (if you really love him) but if he leaves you again, he probably won't return or he will use you several times. You can try to save your relationship with the one who loves you but I think it's impossible to be happy with him. So there's no right answer here: follow your heart or follow your mind, it's your choice. If I was you, I would've risk because I'm still young, now I should make mistakes, but I want also reliability for my future. Think. What do you want?

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  42. Everyone else is saying, stick with the safe, 6-year boyfriend. He's always there for you and will be for as long as you want him to be.
    And what do I know? I'm only 14, I've never been in love before, I've never had to make decisions like this. But that doesn't mean I don't have an opinion.
    I think you should go with the other guy. It's risky, exciting, and free. And what is love without those qualities? What kind of a life are you living in a relationship where you are loved more than you love?
    Give it a shot. And know that whichever decision you make is never going to be a mistake.

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  43. I don't understand the comments other people have written. You should never stay in a relationship with a person you don't truly love. You cheated on your boyfriend. You don't have much respect for him or the relationship you share. Be honest and tell him what you've done. Don't feel obligated to stay with him even if he wants to make it work.

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