make your way back to me

ph: eusobreviviontem

I don't know how to start, so I’ll just say everything that comes to my head. It been one rough year and I know I haven't made it easy. I took it to a point, where you feel you're better without me. I finally got the one thing that I wanted and I blew it. I let so many things from my past get the best of me. You tried to take on everything that I was giving but it was too much. I put too much on you. I just want to say that I love you and I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry that I didn't turn out to be the person I should have been. I've loved you since I was 16, you've been my everything. I know there is no choice but to walk away, I need to work on me and you also need to do the same. My heart is broken and I feel lost. I'm going to work real hard on getting myself better and I'm going to trust whatever it is that brings us together. I still believe you were made for me and I was made for you. We just keep doing it at the wrong time. So I'm telling you this one more time. Make sure you find your way back to me; I don't care if your 80 by then, I don't care. Make your way back to me because my arms are your home. I love you with my whole being. I promise you next time I will get it right and if it doesn't come... I’ll still be waiting in our next life time. I love you babe and as you see, I don't care if the whole world knows it. I'm sorry for the stress, drama. All I ever wanted was to love you. I’ll keep moving forward because my heart has hope. One day you will come back and we will live happy ever after. Until then... like I've told you before, if you feel lonely, sad or hurt, go to our special spot. the moon and I’ll be waiting for you. You can always catch me there, waiting for you...

I love you. I love you. I love you.

ph: weheartit

My dearest Trouble,

I love you! Why should I wait until the end of the letter to tell you? I love you. I love you. I love you. That's what I wanted to tell you. And that's why I'm writing this letter.

We haven't been together for long, about 7 months now, but in those seven months I have changed. I have become a completely different person. Not because you wanted me to be different, but because you love me the way I am. You help me to not swallow down my emotions, but to speak them out loud and to act on them. You help me to feel good about myself because I am beautiful. You help me with everything. You are always there for me and you make me feel "needed" because you count on me.

Some weeks ago we had to part because we both study in different cities, in different countries. I was afraid, so afraid. But not anymore. Here in Germany we say "Geteiltes Leid ist halbes Leid" (A problem shared is a problem halved). So even though I miss you every day, knowing that you miss me too, helps me. Thank you for showing me every one of your faces because I love them all! I love you when you are happy, when you are sad, when you are angry or when you are disappointed. Every time I say "I love you", that's exactly what I mean - I love the whole you!

And before this letter gets too long, I will tell you again. I love you my Trouble! You mean the world to me and I will never let you go, not matter how far or for how long we will be apart.

Yours always,
Monkey

i have faith

ph: katherine squier

It's friday night, I feel a bit under the weather. Sitting on this new bed, in a new room, in a different part of a world.

A few months ago I decided that I needed to start over; I needed to leave behind all my tangled-love-stories that were closer to tragedies, and instead take the risk to go some place new. I boarded a plain on the other side of the world and arrived here in Berkeley, California two weeks ago.

It's different than what I'm used to.

I could go into the past and talk about all my ups and downs, the highs and the seriously low lows. But here, miles away, all of that feels irrelevant now. I feel like I can be someone better.

Some things still pinch inside, some memories still make me laugh a little. I still remember some friends, I still dream of some lovers.

This is not another cliche love story, although I've had a series of cliche moments in a series relationships, with different faces and different names.

I've been love with the guy who threw me across the room and into the wall. I've been in love with the guy who was the best a friend could ever be; and suddenly, as I moved destinations, so did his feelings.

Their feelings always died. It always felt like I was the only loyal one, who gave in with my everything.

But I'm starting to realize that that's ok. It's those little qualities that make us who we are. As for the experiences, they make us stronger and we should never have regret.

Sometimes I wonder if I was born to accomplish bigger and better things.

Sometimes I wonder why I ever lowered my own standards just to meet someone else's.

I truly believe that true, real, unconditional love exists. I know it's there because I've felt it, at least for a moment if not more, even in the worst relationship that I could have possibly been in.

Sometimes I like to read the stories on this blog when I feel low and in need of something inspiring, and though this isn't a love story, I hope it gives you some hope. I hope you know that you're stronger than the one who hurt you; you're happiness doesn't depend on them.

You are limitless. You are free.

Take a risk to do something you're passionate about, no matter how overwhelming it may feel.

I've left every single thing behind me, and here I am, in a whole new world. I don't know how long it may be before I find what I am looking for, but I have faith that someday I will find it.

And you will too. I promise.

Reaa

to face that fear

ph: weheartit

It’s been a cycle since I was fourteen, maybe younger. I fall madly in love with a boy, almost instantly. It’s wonderful and perfect and everything I’ve ever wanted. After about a year or so, I get bored. As much as I hate to admit that I’m this kind of person, I have cheated on every serious boyfriend I have ever had. I’m only nineteen but that’s been five guys. I’m afraid to be alone, so when things start getting rocky with a guy I find a replacement before I even end things with them. I have not ever trusted a man in my life except for my father and I later learned that he betrayed my trust in a way that was completely unforgivable but I was too young to know. I loved him with all my heart all of his short life and we were so close. It wasn’t until after he died of an overdose that I realized the things that he had done to me as a child and I have never been able to trust a man, or really anyone, since. I have loved a lot of guys for my age. Who knows if it was ever real love, but now I doubt that it ever was because I’ve realized without trust you can never have true love. I don’t want to be the person that I have become. I lie to everyone around me, especially the people I’m closest with just because I assume that’s what everyone does. When I get suspicious that someone isn’t telling the truth I usually bring it up to them and they assure me that they are being honest but I can never believe anyone’s word. If I could trust my father for twelve years before I realized I never should have trusted him at all, how long does it take to find out the truth about everyone else? Is everyone just putting on a fake face and doing what they want while telling their friends, lovers, and family just what they want to hear? Maybe everyone is just as good as covering up their lies as my father was, as I have become. At some point, I’ve seen my father in every boy I’ve dated, even if for just a second. And that changes everything in the relationship for me. It’s taken me a while to realize that.

I don’t know how or where to start but I need to change. I need to get over the things that have happened to me in the past. I need to be alone, without a man in my life to depend on, for once and work on bettering myself. Being alone has been my biggest fear since I was a child, even if for a short time. I need to face that fear. I need to learn to trust myself before I can ever trust anyone else and have a happy relationship.

To everyone I’ve ever hurt, I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me one day.

This is the first I’ve ever admitted this to anyone, it’s a lot easier to admit things to total strangers than to people you know. Please don’t judge me, I’m not this horrible person that I’ve become.

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love." –Marilyn Monroe.

the wait will be worth it

ph: weheartit

All my life, I've been in and out of relationships. Bad guys, good guys, obsessive guys, nice guys, I've dated them. Last Dec, I ended the last relationship after he turned possessive, because I knew I didn't have a future together with him.

I was weak. All my life I was weak, foolish, and dependent. I'm glad to say that in the year 2011, I grew up. I stayed single for the longest time I could remember. I didn't have a guy to fetch me anywhere I wanted, to dine with at any restaurant I craved for, to take me out shopping when I demanded, or watch a movie with me when I
felt like it.

And it's been the best teacher I could ever have. Sure there were lonely moments, low moments. There were weak moments I wished ever so badly I had a good and loving boyfriend. But everyday I grew a little stronger. Everyday, I grew more at ease with myself, I complained less and I loved my family and friends a little more.

I know that someday I will love again. But I'm not going to sit around and wait impatiently for that day to come. I'm not going to rush into yet another relationship that isn't going to last, just because he smiled at me and gave me butterflies. I'm going to live life to the fullest, and appreciate the little things in life.

Because I know that one day, the wait will be worth it.

scared I’m chasing nothing.

ph: weheartit

It’s not that I think you’re not important when you don’t have anyone, because I don’t. I truly don’t. I believe you can never really know what you want in someone else until you know yourself – completely and wholly - when you only have yourself to rely on. I know far too many people who are in relationships of comfort – because they don’t want to be alone. And it’s sad, because they rely so much on this social institution for validation. I am proud to say I have dealt with loneliness, and I’m not afraid of it. I am not afraid of my independence and I am not afraid of my own company. I am proud to say I have become a strong, level-headed person because I have had such a long time to consider myself and my surroundings and my feelings and my opinions with a clear head, one that is not muddled by the fog of a relationship and love and my heart. For these reasons I am glad it’s taken me this long to find someone, because I think when it happens, I’ll be able to handle it and make the most of it.

But fuck, sometimes I just get sick of being lonely. I get sick of having to rely on myself and my imagination for any kind of deeper mental or emotional stimulation. It’s getting to a point now where, I’ve had way too much time to think. My heart is forming cobwebs because the people I met, the experiences I’ve had so far, just aren’t cutting it. I think my imagination has had far too much time to become so specific in designing what my heart wants, I’m scared reality is just never going to compare. How can it? I never really gave it a chance. I’m torn between wanting only the best for myself and impatience. How much longer is it really going to take?

I feel like it’s impossible because I’ve made it impossible. I want magic. I want to feel such an intense pull towards someone it’s like our worlds just crashed into each other, changing them and me and everything I thought I knew. I want fireworks, and butterflies and magnetism, something tumultuous and huge and exciting and new. I want something to pull me out of myself and my head and my over-analysis and make me feel again, because I’ve forgotten. And I don’t think I can get it back on my own. But I’m scared I’m waiting out for a super unrealistic ideal that I’ve created for myself. I’m scared I’m chasing nothing. And every day it’s getting harder and harder to have faith in myself and everything I believe in.

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