Sunday, August 28, 2011

that love story isn’t ours

i turn my camera on
ph: julialinnea

I think I may actually be over him. It just happened about five minutes ago. I can’t really explain it; I was looking through some old pictures of us in Italy and Paris together, and was staring at his face. That face. That gorgeous face. I actually zoomed in a little. But when I looked, when I really looked, and reminded myself of all the things he’s done, and all the pain he’s caused, that face got…uglier. Feels taboo just writing it. Feels like an almost lie. But you know how people say that a beautiful person can become ugly with their personality? I think that just happened for me.

I reminded myself of how he ignored me over Winter break, didn’t even call on Christmas. I reminded myself of how after a year and a half together he broke my heart and then started seeing Sara, my friend, our friend, just a few weeks later. That that was selfish and thoughtless and desperate. I reminded myself that I would never do those things to him.

I reminded myself of the times he’s been cold, the many times I’ve felt so alone, on my side of the bed, even though he is right there sleeping next to me. I reminded myself of the back and forth game he has played with me since we broke up, saying he wanted to get back together and then backing out. How he drove me home in tears after lunch with his parents and didn’t even bother to text me later on or see how I was doing, after we had just slept together the entire weekend before. How much that hurt me. How he came down for the fourth of July and we slept together again because he told me that the weekend and us being together would “clear up the confusion.” How it didn’t clear up anything. How he implied that we weren’t really one hundred percent broken up…reminded myself when I said broken up couples don’t do this and he said but that’s not completely where we are at. I reminded myself how we are broken up and how that is completely where we are at.

Now, I am thinking about what a fool I’ve been. How I want to be with him just for the sake of being with somebody. Now I am thinking about how one small mistake, like getting back together, could ruin a bit more than I wanted to admit.

Andrew, you were a lovely person to me once. Smart and funny and so beautiful. Now you are not so beautiful. You’ve done it, you’ve really done it. Broken my heart, and half-assed picking up the pieces. Now I think there’s just about a slim to none chance things will ever work out between us. Because I deserve better than someone who has to take half a year to figure out what they want. Because I deserve better than someone who is scared. Because I deserve better than someone who doesn’t want to be with me right now, this minute, no matter what the future brings, even if they are stuck with me forever.

I usually fall for the sappy love story where the two broken hearts realize how much they love each other, and get back together in the end. I usually want to be the leading lady in that love story. Sorry that love story isn’t ours. Sorry it never will be.

Except I’m not sorry at all.

22 comments:

  1. you DO deserve better, hon. you deserve a better boyfriend AND a better friend, actually. 'cause that girl, Sara, was not your friend! anyway, you may still hurt a little, but you'll see how things will improve from now on. seriously, move on from this boy, don't ever give him another shot and your life will be good again. i wish you well

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  2. Oh my, this could have been MY writing over five years ago. My ex did same things to me, and all I can do now is to send power to you girl! You deserver better, no, you deserve the BEST. True love isn't like like that. How do I know? Because I have been together with my true love for five years now, and the future is bright. :) I did deserve the best, and so do you honey!

    Hugs and warm thoughts from Finland,
    Mea

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  3. I'm glad you finally realized you deserve better. I wish you a lot of strength! :)

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  4. Im going through the same exact situation right now! This really is giving me hope into getting over my ex! Best wishes to u!

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  5. i have been reading this blog for about 2 years now. and every story is some part of my story. but this story is exactly my story. i sometimes stills stare and get lost in old photos. but each time it hurts less. no doubt that the pain will never go away but it hurts less and i feel better. thank god.
    thank you so much for sharing your story.

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  6. I know this sounds cliche... but when reading your post i understood everything. Last night i decided to look him up on facebook and thought to myself, you really weren't worth my time.

    When reading your post, the freaky thing was... my ex's name was andrew as well!

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  7. It's ok ..just remember that ders someone out there that deserve you much better i mean SO much better!!!!

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  8. Still in love with one I can't seem to let go of. This line I found on line fits: Never stop loving someone because you never know when they might start loving you back. But if that person won’t change, wait until your heart voluntarily quits.

    loveletterdaily.com

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  9. jag behövde verkligen läsa det här. tack! <3 / t.

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  10. Youu go giiiiirl ! :)

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  11. "In simple terms" please read:

    http://freeluckyeasy.blogspot.com/

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  12. good for you, girl!

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  13. BEAUTIFUL! SO INSPIRING! i want to jump around and sing for you, this sends such empowering joy through me to read! i felt myself nodding to the things he's done, the way you justified them to yourself, and the realizations that there are no justifications for half-assed love. that just ain't the kinda love a person deserves. been right there with ya, and am right with ya now in your struggle to heal, move on, forgive and love again. i am proud of you!

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  14. This text could've been written by me! Soo beautiful, good luck with everything :)

    Hugs from Finland!

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  15. love the last sentence!

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  16. like all the above comments, I could have written this entry. Thank GOD I think my ex looks awful in pictures now otherwise I'd be tormented through life.

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  17. Girl, we are in the same boat. Reading this just gave me so much strength. Thank you, whoever you are.

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  18. You deserve only the greatest happiness. Good for you for being so strong! xoxo

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  19. amazing post. i admire you for your strength to let him go after all your history together...
    just beautiful.

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  20. So, I do not really consider it may have effect.

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  21. MY LIFE. Thankyou for this.

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