Tuesday, July 5, 2011

scared I’m chasing nothing.

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ph: weheartit

It’s not that I think you’re not important when you don’t have anyone, because I don’t. I truly don’t. I believe you can never really know what you want in someone else until you know yourself – completely and wholly - when you only have yourself to rely on. I know far too many people who are in relationships of comfort – because they don’t want to be alone. And it’s sad, because they rely so much on this social institution for validation. I am proud to say I have dealt with loneliness, and I’m not afraid of it. I am not afraid of my independence and I am not afraid of my own company. I am proud to say I have become a strong, level-headed person because I have had such a long time to consider myself and my surroundings and my feelings and my opinions with a clear head, one that is not muddled by the fog of a relationship and love and my heart. For these reasons I am glad it’s taken me this long to find someone, because I think when it happens, I’ll be able to handle it and make the most of it.

But fuck, sometimes I just get sick of being lonely. I get sick of having to rely on myself and my imagination for any kind of deeper mental or emotional stimulation. It’s getting to a point now where, I’ve had way too much time to think. My heart is forming cobwebs because the people I met, the experiences I’ve had so far, just aren’t cutting it. I think my imagination has had far too much time to become so specific in designing what my heart wants, I’m scared reality is just never going to compare. How can it? I never really gave it a chance. I’m torn between wanting only the best for myself and impatience. How much longer is it really going to take?

I feel like it’s impossible because I’ve made it impossible. I want magic. I want to feel such an intense pull towards someone it’s like our worlds just crashed into each other, changing them and me and everything I thought I knew. I want fireworks, and butterflies and magnetism, something tumultuous and huge and exciting and new. I want something to pull me out of myself and my head and my over-analysis and make me feel again, because I’ve forgotten. And I don’t think I can get it back on my own. But I’m scared I’m waiting out for a super unrealistic ideal that I’ve created for myself. I’m scared I’m chasing nothing. And every day it’s getting harder and harder to have faith in myself and everything I believe in.

r

46 comments:

  1. I can´t believe it, i´ve been looking at this blog for such a long time. And people are all, i love him, i love her. My life is great. And i mean life isnt always great. I really love this text, it feels like its describing me. And now i know that im not alone in this world with my feelings and thoughts. Thanks!

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  2. This explains it better than I could have ever exlpained it.

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  3. You wrote this so perfectly, don't give up on love

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  4. Don't give up on it. It is something I never thought I was seeking, because I could have never guessed that something like it truly existed... but it does.
    Once you meet that person, you will know it, and there won't be anything to do about it, because your worlds will crash into each other, changing everything you thought you knew.
    It's happenend to me. You're not chasing nothing and don't let them tell you to settle for less.
    Don't give up on it.

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  5. If you'll always think the way you've always thought, then you'll always get what you've always got. Change your life by changing your mind. x

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  6. It's as if I wrote it myself. 100% accurate.

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  7. Christ, did I write this? Eerily accurate!

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  8. you're like me two years ago.

    don't worry, things will happen on their own. and it will feel just like magic.

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  9. This is who I am, too.....Not long ago I found that special something that ripped me out of my cage, that perfect, precious someone....but he turned out to be something I never thought he would be....so now I am back on the same track as I was on before..... Only settling for the big one!!!

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  10. Wow, it's like someone took one look inside my head and wrote down the chaos in words. Glad to know I'm not alone in feeling this.

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  11. It could be me writing this.
    I want that magic too. I've built a whole fantasy world about the love I want and it's all I can think about, all the time. And I feel that it's slowly breaking me down. I'm disappointed with life, because I don't think I will ever have someone feeling that strong, amazing love for me. And by each day I'm losing faith. I am so lonely.

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  12. dont lose hope dear! someday you'll find him maybe not now:) <3

    visit mine too drop some comments thanks! :)
    http://honeylovesandrew.blogspot.com/

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  13. It's like reading a page from my diary! I am scared I end up alone..I mean there's has to be smth about me,that's not attracting the ones that I like...the ones that I don't like, like me instead..wth right?

    1 by 1, my ex's are starting to move n , get engaged/married... made me forgotten y I broke up with them...it sucks that I am stuck here alone..


    Forget about knowing myself...what's the use if there's no one to share it with, no one to appreciate, n love n care for the person that I am?

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  14. completely agree and completely am the same way. <3

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  15. This is exactly what I was thinking yesterday. It's not that I'm incapable of functioning on my own. But now everyday that I'm forced to just hurts me a little more.

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  16. These are my exact thoughts. But I tell myself to keep my chin up, and someday, someone will come and rescue me.

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  17. As someone so often in the same boat, I understand every word and feeling you wrote here. And it's not unrealistic as long as you are not completely closed off and unwilling to accept it when it does happen... then it will happen, in it's own timing.

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  18. This is a great blog entry. I know how you feel. What you craved, is something I identify with. I wanted that magnatism. That perfect - heart soaring, leave me breathless moments. I had given up. I was ready to spend my life blogging about such perfect love, that never found me.

    Then I stumbled into the perfect love. Our hearts knew each other and our worlds collided. It is still fresh and new (2 months) but it has a forever feeling. Something that i never felt before. So, don't give up. Don't cast your heart out the sea. Your heart is still looking. It will crash into the perfect heart soon.

    heart.

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  19. leaving a comment for the first time ever because i feel like i can totally relate. but hey, i believe my time would come eventually, so would yours. don't give up yet! (:

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  20. whoa this is weird. i feel like i just read something i wrote but forgot about.

    i do believe it will come. and i am tired of waiting too. but i have to believe.

    believe with me

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  21. I read the entire post.And then i read all the comments that followed.I'd olwez thought i was great wid words,but this one post fails me.
    I wish i could explain in js words how adorable this blog is.I came to this blogsite after ages...and this was the latest.Its like one of those times when u knw God js made u do smthing! This was it..!
    We've made up our minds.We have these things listed out right infront of us and if thr are 10 of them,we knw dt our partner has to have all 10.Deep with in us,we knw dt'll never ve possible.
    But u knw wt i love the most abt ur post...You talked of months and years of thinking dt got u to this point.And dts whr i ticked off.Some ppl feel miserable js cz they wnt to feel dt way,bt ours is definitely nt dt case.I'd b happy stayin alone all my life,or so i may say...bt only i knw how mch i crave to find dt Mr. Perfect! I do hv the fear of being alone forevr...bt i keep tellin myslf dts nt true.
    I wish u all d luck! I'm sure ur a girl...a guy wud nvr hv d level of intellect n introspection dt u js touched...bt if ur a guy,i have to know u.
    Love
    Bubbles

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  22. you know what. i literally wanna cry when i read this because literally..literally literally..every detail. every single god damn detail is me. its crazy. as a pisces..im known to switch off the light to reality and make my own little world inside my head to become happier. like you, i havent had anyone so close in a long time. well not that long.(dont wanna make you think im a loner ;]) but anyway..ive taken the time to just work on myself..im completely conent with being alone. sometimes id more rather do that. ive literally become my own bestfriend (though i do have many many many crazy friends with crazy memories to go along with them) and now its starting to seem like i dont wanna branch out and find what you want/ i do..but then again i dont/ im scared like you. im scared ill never find it again. im scared if i do..the same thing will happenn that happened once before. ill find it..maybe..possibly. but after a while ill fall and land right on my ass again//maybe evern worse..on my head..and i had already felt what it felt like to fall on my ass..and i dont want to go through that ever again/ that means id have to start all of again//start the part where i work on my self again and keep tons of ice packs on my ass till im ready again. im scared and i comepletely understand every single word and space and coma that you wrote. its comepletely me and i kinda wish i knew you in a funny way aha..cause its weird how we act the same way with the imagiation thing..hmm. okay well i really wanna thankyou for writing this because sometimes i feel alone. i feel like im the only one who feels this. sometimes i believe im crazy insane. but its nice to know im not..alone i mean. im still probably crazy. but atleast im not alone. so thank you so much. i know that one day you will make someone extremely happy. keep your hopes up and keep reaching because i know you will find something. maybe not the perfect scene that you make up in you're imagination..but it will be something..something amazing. and if you do fall..on your ass..or whatever it may be..atleast you have yourself and your independence to fall back on. so thankyou again R, and goodluck<333333 xoxo

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  23. This describe the person i am now to the fullest...feel the same way...it will work itself out one way or another.

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  24. R... R... R.... very realistic i shall say! and yes, Ive been there done that. Is it wrong to be with someone just because you dont want to be lonely... what if the case is you just want to be happy, what if the case is 'ur rebound' know how to make your relationship work ???? that someone out there whom you longed to be with didnt???? but I just want to be happy!!!! I wanna believe in love, atleast one more time.... to have the same intense feeling, butterflies, weak knees or like watever how u wanna describe it... I wanna make things works, because with the one I truly love mayve have had truly crushed my dream rock bottom..and somehow stupidly me, I still do hope that I could be with him. How am I suppose to live my life... I cant even make out whats black and whats white... Please dont judge me for I am such a pathetic human being just because I want to be happy.. I made so much effort for someone out there who thinks it was rubbish, and I now here doing nothing, effortlessly not even trying to make anything, but it is all working really well exactly how I describe a perfect relationship coz he made it like that ,,,Im here feeling so fragile with every last drop of alcohol I consumed I shall say........I wanna be happy and thats not because Im scared to be lonely, but because I want to be happy. and who the Ef in this world to judge.,,,, and who the ef have the right to... (im not being defensive, but just trying to be sensible). peace. C

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  25. This could be me, so on point.

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  26. Wow. I see myself in what you have written. I truly hope you find the one who gives you the butterflies and the fireworks very soon...

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  27. This is awesome. Im a writer as well and just wrote ona similar topic. The post is called "You're under arrest" at www.ijustmetme.com . Youre so right...love the part about wanting magic and fireworks and all, and not knowing if reality cuts it anymore. sigh. lol The piece i wrote kinda describes (or at least tries) to describe WHY we feel that way..check it out. Did i mention..i LOVE your piece. lol

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  28. I feel the same way. exatly.

    I hope you find what you are looking for!

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  29. I couldn't had put in such good words like you did, but it just seems that i wrote that. I appreciate this blog for so long and I've never commented, but now...

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  30. I love this blog. I read it daily. This reminds me of myself and more so of someone I'm in love with. Half the reason I love him so much is because I know he feels this way. And not about me. But I'll wait and I'll take what I can get from him.

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  31. Great post! everyone on this blog allways talks about great love stories and I want one of those for me but right now I feel just the way you wrote it. BUT I'm sure we will all find someone, sometimes when we least expect to. (for any mistakes on what I wrote.. sorry english is not my first language.) :)

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  32. This post is absolutely amazing. It describes me perfectly. My standards have become so high due to being on my own and having alot of time to think. All I can say is, the right guy will come along soon. He may not be Mr Perfect to match your criteria, but all the flaws and qualities he lacks will make you like him so much more. You will realise that that person can make you so happy, and that is all you need. You don't need high standards, you just need that person to bring you happiness. Your standards will disappear when you meet that person, and you'll realise it's your stepping stone forward. Good Luck!

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  33. couldn't have written it better. literally.

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  34. I know its a cliche when they say Love will hit you when you least expect it and you'll feel like punching the next person who says it.

    But my advice to you would be to keep an open mind and an open heart. Try to be happy and be yourself. Go out more, meet more people, be friendly and try to live in the moment! Making yourself go out more is not a sign of desperation, its just a way increasing your chances of meeting someone.

    i had the habit of 'switching it off' when i find a flaw in someone. But luckily i have gotten rid of it. And Instead of being so quick to judge, i'm now getting to know the person better and i'm liking the person more than i would've expected!
    conclusion, so long he is a nice guy, responsible and makes u happy, try to go with the flow and not over think it :) all the best, it will come.

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  35. You may not find this idealized man in your relationship, but as long as you believe in yourself, others will believe in you!

    You will find someone who will be true to you. someone you can put faith in and won't let you down.

    never settle!

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  36. Oh my god, I feel like wrote this. Everything you said is exactly what I've been feeling for a long time now. I have been alone most of my life because just about every guy that comes into my life is never good enough. I feel like I have inadvertently destroyed my chances of ever falling in love because I have an impossible standard of what love really is. And I have over-analyzed my situation to death so I can't solve it by thinking through it. I've dated a multitude of different men trying to cure myself that way but that hasn't worked. There is nothing left to do. It's become increasingly harder to have faith in love and everything I believe in as well. I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not the only one. <3

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  37. your pursuit will surely end...strenghthen ur hopes up!!! ^_^

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  38. This text seriously made me cry. You just gave words to what I've been feeling for years, but never been able to explain. This is me. Literally.

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  39. You took the words right out of my mouth. Thank you. You are not the only one who feels that way.

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  40. I used to be like you. Strong and guarded. After a couple of not so serious relationships that went array, I built up walls. I felt like I didn't need anyone except for myself. I used to feel sorry for those girls who felt like they needed to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. Until one day I met a boy whom I fell for and ended up being in a 2 and a half year relationship with. We broke up 4 months ago. I am now the weak and feeble girl I had once made a mockery of. There's nothing more that I want than to feel love again. To get those butterflies and be able to have someone there I could rely on. I hope you find love one day soon. You deserve it. Because even though I ended up with nothing after allowing myself to be vulnerable, the feeling you are yearning for oh so worth it.

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  41. Thank you for this. truly.

    I consider myself to be a balanced and very happy person but I can't deny that I am lonely and I'm sick of waiting for love. I feel I have so much to give but I'm never the one that experiences the 'sweep me off my feet' moment. I love the honesty in your words and it's clear there are many of us who feel the same.

    I've never cried about being alone until today. I'm happy but I need to stop being in denial about my loneliness. Time to take charge? who knows

    sending you all the love you deserve!! xx

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  42. Omg. That just described everything I felt and how lonely I really thought I was. I'm still in high school and when I see all these couples cuddling and holding eachothers' hands or sharing kisses, I second thought, maybe what they have isn't as pure as I want my first relationship to be? Who knows, I won't judge farther than that because I'm unaware but I do realize, you don't need someone to keep you from comfort. You can do that for yourself but in the process, trying to learn yourself in the most positive ways. I think we're so guarded because we fear we won't get that perfect magic romance but trust me, if we accept what comes along, magic will be there, and you'll know it. Being single for so long can be lonely but just always put yourself before getting into commitments that can make or break you. :) when it comes to meeting that guy that can make you weak to your knees, don't think back to your standards because thats not what relationships are meant for. Good luck in finding your future, R. And I will say so for me too.

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  43. I know this is like the 45th comment or something, but I want to say a few things too. I've been looking for a post like this so long now, looking for someone who felt the same way as me, and I finally think I've found it.
    Everyone talks about their great love, their boyfriend, their girlfriend, love in generel, unhappy love, happy love, every kind of love. And it feels like I'm standing here, all alone, and I've got nothing but myself. It feels like waiting for something that's never gonna arrive. I love my life, my friends, my hobby, my family, everything, but I miss something. And as a friend of mine said.. It is like not having felt an important part of my feelings register, it is like living my live half sometimes. I tell myself that it is great being single, and it is true the most of the day, but in the evening when I'm lying alone in my bed, I just want someone to hold me. I don't even care if I found unhappy love, I just want love. Or something that looks like it.

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  44. I don't understand. How do you expect somebody to like you if you don't like them? You decide what makes you happy right? If you are not happy now, then you need to change what you have taught yourself to believe what makes you happy. We are not all NFL football players with personality and money. How about trying someone nice? How about giving normal guys a chance? You are putting a special barrier around yourself and saying why doesn't anyone understand me? How is anyone supposed to try to understand you if you have already decided that you do not want them to understand you? You are chasing nothing because that's what you believe will make you happy. Nobody can give you happiness because you believe that nobody can give you happiness.

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