Sunday, September 18, 2011
i have faith
ph: katherine squier
It's friday night, I feel a bit under the weather. Sitting on this new bed, in a new room, in a different part of a world.
A few months ago I decided that I needed to start over; I needed to leave behind all my tangled-love-stories that were closer to tragedies, and instead take the risk to go some place new. I boarded a plain on the other side of the world and arrived here in Berkeley, California two weeks ago.
It's different than what I'm used to.
I could go into the past and talk about all my ups and downs, the highs and the seriously low lows. But here, miles away, all of that feels irrelevant now. I feel like I can be someone better.
Some things still pinch inside, some memories still make me laugh a little. I still remember some friends, I still dream of some lovers.
This is not another cliche love story, although I've had a series of cliche moments in a series relationships, with different faces and different names.
I've been love with the guy who threw me across the room and into the wall. I've been in love with the guy who was the best a friend could ever be; and suddenly, as I moved destinations, so did his feelings.
Their feelings always died. It always felt like I was the only loyal one, who gave in with my everything.
But I'm starting to realize that that's ok. It's those little qualities that make us who we are. As for the experiences, they make us stronger and we should never have regret.
Sometimes I wonder if I was born to accomplish bigger and better things.
Sometimes I wonder why I ever lowered my own standards just to meet someone else's.
I truly believe that true, real, unconditional love exists. I know it's there because I've felt it, at least for a moment if not more, even in the worst relationship that I could have possibly been in.
Sometimes I like to read the stories on this blog when I feel low and in need of something inspiring, and though this isn't a love story, I hope it gives you some hope. I hope you know that you're stronger than the one who hurt you; you're happiness doesn't depend on them.
You are limitless. You are free.
Take a risk to do something you're passionate about, no matter how overwhelming it may feel.
I've left every single thing behind me, and here I am, in a whole new world. I don't know how long it may be before I find what I am looking for, but I have faith that someday I will find it.
And you will too. I promise.