Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I'm scared! I'm so fucking scared! I think that I'm maybe love him, I really do! But I can’t, not him! I know that something is wrong, why is he so nice and perfect all the time! WHYY??!! And he is choosing me?! Come on man, there are so many girls out there, take THEM!! Not me…!!
This is making me so scared, because I know it can’t be true! I just know it! About two weeks from now he is coming to visit me (we live in two different cities), and I really really want him to come, but at the same time I really don’t. I know that I am going to say that I am sick so he can absolutely not come!! I know that I am going to do that! Do you want the reason? I always do that, when I like someone I run!! Because running is so much easier that stay! Now I think I decided not to run, but I don’t now if I can do that because I am scared as hell!! I scared that he is like all the others guys… okay, it’s not like I had 20 boyfriends… actually it’s more like one… or can I say .5…?
I just don’t know what to do! I am so confused! I want to love him but I can’t because everything I see is perfection, and no one is perfect! I know that! I have all these feelings inside of me, and I can’t tell him.. I just can’t!! Sometimes when we talk, I just want him to know everything! I mean, we have been friends for 1,5 years now, and I wrote in a text (when I was out with my friends—to drunk for my own best..xD ) that I think I like him more than a friend.. the next day I got a text back… I felt the same way!! Still, I am here in my room, can’t study to a big finale because I am thinking of all this while I receive so cute and wonderful texts from him all the time…! My friends are telling me to chill out! Wait until he comes! But that is the problem!! I know I am going to fix so he’s not coming!
I hate to run! But I hate to stay too! For now, I hate to be in love…! I just hate it so much! And the worst part is that I don’t think I am going to change my mind! Because it is so much easier to run! And do you know what? I love to run! Run is my love! Forever!!!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I want to fall in love with you.
No special reason behind it. I just do. As you probably know, I've been wanting a boyfriend for months now, but Lady Luck hasn't been on my side. There were a couple of guys who came along, but neither of them were my idea of boyfriend material.
I'm not saying you are, but I realized I quite like you, and that makes all the difference. See, I don't remember much about you, except that you were with my cousin for about a year or longer and that I met you once before (only to embarrass myself by drinking beyond my limit and throwing up). I have a vague memory of talking to you about my cousin when you were no longer together. It was about her relationship with her then new boyfriend. Something you said about cherishing her stuck, for some reason, and since then I've convinced myself that breaking up with you was one of the most stupid things she's ever done in her life.
I probably shouldn't have initiated the online conversation that led to this. By this, I mean this—all this talking we do through text, sometimes through chat.
I mean, it's probably nothing.
But I must admit I've been deriving some sort of felicity from our correspondence.
Which is probably wrong. We're friends, aren't we? For me, at least, we are. I'm too scared to ask you anything because it might put you off and cause you to distance yourself from me, so I hold myself back from throwing stupid questions in your direction and plague myself instead with torturous what-ifs lacking definite answers.
I want to fall in love with you. The want in this statement implies a consciousness on my part, a decision waiting to be made. Should I jump or shouldn't I?
I really don't know.
I've been trying to weigh the pros and the cons, but I have trouble organizing the chaos in my head, so I still haven't arrived at a conclusion. Only one thing has been fully established so far: I like you. And, inevitably, I find myself hoping you'd like me too.
When such hope begins to burn in my system, I panic. And for good reason. I am putting myself in a vulnerable position because of this hope. Don't I always say that hope leads to heartbreak? And I honestly believe that. Slowly, I am becoming attached to the experience of getting good morning messages from you, of being said good night to. Then I wonder if it's you or if it's the attention I am snagging from you that has this warm feeling circling in my chest. Twice I had thanked you for your attention, and twice you'd jokingly called me emo for it. I really do appreciate it though.
I'm overanalyzing things, I know. It would be much easier to just ask you, of course, but it's too risky to do so. Besides, we've only just been talking for a week, so what the hell, right? I'm scared of freaking you out, so I'll shut up for now.
And I know you probably won't get to read this but I'm writing it anyway, just to get the shit off my head even just for a second.
I want to fall in love with you.
But according to societal norms, it's too early for love so I will like you for now. I'll make an attempt to extinguish the tiny flicker of hope buried under my skin, but I'll hold on to the possibility of you getting me a pack of Life Savers, just as you said you would.
That day, when I finally saw you again, my heart raced I couldn't help fidgeting with my phone. Games are a good distraction so I consumed the remaining time trying to beat a tough level in a game called Taiko no Tatsujin. You said I looked like I wanted to smash my phone against a wall. I probably looked retarded. I wish I were cute instead.
I don't remember much about you, but I don't think I can forget you now.
I want to go out with you on a movie date or something. Hang out with you at an empty parking lot and talk to you about the stupidest things. But I can't ask you out. I'm not brave enough. Not because I'm scared of rejection but because it might mean having to give up on the inside joke involving mouthwash and the poring faced emoticon. And more than being rejected, it's losing these things that keep me from popping the question.
And then there's you. I mean, this has been all about me, me, me so far, so let's talk about you. You do have someone you like, don't you? Maybe someone you love, even. Of course, I'm only making assumptions, and if there's one piece of advice I get told often by my friends, it's to stop assuming. Easier said than done, though.
This is so damn complicated.
I want to fall in love with you.
And if this keeps up, I might just do.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Often I couldn't type anything out -the words weren't good enough, and I would inevitably leave it off. To say the least, everything I wanted to say wasn't really a mystery, I felt like I had nothing new to offer.
My story? Yeah, we fell in love. Then we fell out of it.
Well, he, did anyway.
It's been a year now, since I said goodbye. The reasons are now all fuzzy now, and I can't remember if it was him or I. I try to reason with myself. Sure, he might have loved me but he had too many skeletons in his closet, too many secrets he kept hidden away from the world. Even from the one, he proclaimed to have been madly, truly and deeply in love with. I like to think that I stayed as long as I could and that I loved with every ounce of my being, but now, the odds were finally against us, and it was time to call it quits.
You asked me to stay. Just a silent whisper. I knew you were trying your best, but I wanted...I needed more than that. All those nights that you and I stayed up fighting, crying and hurting, I really thought somehow in the midst of it all, we'd make it. We were fifteen and sixteen, but I swear, I will never be as in love with anyone else as I was with you. And that thought truly haunts me, because whoever are next, they have to struggle with the remaining pieces of me. They have to muddle through, doing the best they can, even if I secretly know that nobody else could compare.
I can't believe my insanity sometimes either, those nights that I would dream of you, confessing that it was me you still wanted. A part of me still needs you to be brave and tell me before we leave high school for good that you love me, no matter the mistakes shared between us.
But time has passed, too much time. There is too much distance between the both of us, and we're so far away that I wonder if what we had, what we shared...were we even in the same world? Was there really a time when it was just you and me? Was there really a time when we loved one another?
What I would give to let you go, every bit of you. Your voice, your hair, your arms and hands, and the taste of your lips still on mine.
But I'm too late, and you're gone for good now.
You've moved on now and that girl - well, she's just amazing. Her silky black hair, her smile, her wonderful heart. You really did better second time around, didn't you? But I'm not mad, I'm mad at myself. Somewhere deep down in the shallow pits of my heart, I've wanted to confess this to you for so long now. Peter, I still love you and I'm sorry.
Please don't ever forget what we had. Please don't forget me. Please.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
We shared the perfect night. I actually think that it was one of the best nights of my life. It wasn’t perfect because you’re such a great guy or because I was in love with you or anything, it was perfect because I really needed that at that time. I had spent too many days, weeks, months thinking that I would never be loved, no one I was interested in would ever show any interest in me, and then you came along. Me and my friend J were on a trip to London, we met up with her friend S at a pub and he had brought his friend, A. And from being introduced to you, shaking your hand and drowning in your blue eyes, to kissing goodbye to never see you again, was just perfect. Like a scene from a movie, or a chapter in a book.
At the pub we were sitting and chatting, drinking beer, I was sitting next to you. Your feet touched mine and neither of us moved our feet back. We had barely talked to each other but I could feel you press your leg against mine, so we stayed like that. With entangled legs, occasional long stares into your infinitely deep blue eyes, flirty smiles and heavy heartbeats. Even writing this makes my heart pound faster. Anyway, as we left the pub you took my hand, and it was all so natural. We stopped on the way to S's house for some kisses, and you and your British accent were so very charming. So we spent the night kissing and cuddling on a mattress on S's floor, you touching my hair, me listening to your heartbeats.
I replay this scene in my head quite often, mostly because I am so very fond of it and never want to forget it. But mostly I hope to relive it soon again, but then with someone else, someone I love.
So I just want to thank you, A, thank you for that wonderful night. Because thanks to that night I now believe that I some day will fall in love for real. Not with you, but now I know love can exist, even for me. I just have to be patient.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
It’s been almost 5 months since he dropped the bomb on me. The thing is, it wasn’t even really a break up, at least not to him. Don’t you have to actually have a relationship to be broken up with? He was driving me to the train station after we spent a couple days together again. For the most part I’d had a wonderful time, despite his strange, withdrawn behavior for most of it after the first night. He told me he had just started dating someone, and it wasn’t serious, and the reason he acted how he did wasn’t anything I had done. Frankly, I wasn’t hearing all of it at that point. I was in the closest thing to a state of shock I had been in my entire life.
To make a long story short, after sending him an almost-too-long email telling him I wish he’d told me he was seeing someone else before I went to visit him, and that I thought what we had was more than just sex, he replied with a simple “I thought we were just having fun.” He also proceeded to theorize this “misunderstanding” was based on our difference in age and experience. We both said we were fine with being friends, but after two weeks, I removed him from Facebook, the tool we had used for keeping in touch after meeting and having a 2-night fling when I was studying abroad in Ireland and he in London. I thought this would make getting him over easier and quicker, but the only thing it did was take away the ability to see what he was doing and who we was conversing with, which was probably still beneficial for me.
One of the worst things you can do after a break up, whether you were the one to do the breaking up or you were the one broken up with, is to blame yourself and berate yourself for things you realize you could have done differently. But this is precisely what I did. I asked myself over and over, “Why weren’t you stronger? Why couldn’t you be one of those girls who can sleep with guy and not think anything of it? Why didn’t you ask him if he was dating someone before you went to go see him?” Truth be told, I was that girl at first. I didn’t want to be the stereotypical girl who thinks because she thinks the first guy she sleeps with is going to be one of the great loves of her life, especially if he wasn’t to start with. I told myself it was just sex. But he was the one who seemed to be coming on pretty strong and acting like we were actually friends after. But, after it all ended and I found out the truth, I felt like such an idiot, and a total outcast from the rest of society. We seem to live in such a casual, sex-driven society these days. I don’t really understand the “Friends With Benefits” movement. In the end, I think the focus is more on the benefits than the friend.
And to answer the question, “Why didn’t I ask him before I went to visit him if he was seeing someone?” Well, the way he talked to me, why would I think he was? My biggest mistake was trusting him.
Sometimes I want to contact him and let him know how wrong he was to have done that, because when it all first happened, my emotions were definitely in it, and I gave him way more credit than he deserves. I APOLOGIZED for not having been more upfront that I thought we were headed towards a “relationship” or love. However, I think it’s better if I just let him go rather than open that door of communication again. But now I see that he was lying. About what in total, I’m not 100% sure, but the one thing I would like to ask him is, “If you believed that both of us were in it just for ‘fun,’ why couldn’t you have told me the truth the moment I asked if there was a particular reason you left the bed in the middle of the night and slept on the couch? If I also was just having ‘fun,’ why would it have been a big deal to just tell me right then?" "Why did you wait 36 hours and tell me right before I was about to get on a 5 hour train ride? What do you think I thought about the entire way home?"
After months of ups and downs, crying myself to sleep and beating up on myself, I see it clearly now. This is not about me not being “strong” or “smart” enough. I think the fact that I cared about what he and I had, and that I “fell” for him, is a sign of my humanity. It’s clearly more of a risk to let your heart get involved than to remain unattached, but I’d rather be like that than close myself off and look at a person as only an object of lust. I think in my situation, he owed me a lot more than what he gave me. If it was only about sex with us, we shouldn’t have kept in touch and talked as frequently as we did about non-sex related things. If it’s only about sex for him, then he should keep it that way and try not to blur the lines between a person to have “fun” with and a person he genuinely likes. It makes me laugh now because, it almost felt like he was upset with me for feeling the way I did. Well excuse me, buddy, for actually liking you. If I thought you were just a jackass, I would have treated you that way. But I liked things about you other than when we were physical. How terribly awful of me to do that to you.
I deserved better from him. I know that now. Whether he knows it or not, I do, and that’s the only thing that matters.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I don’t understand why every time I see a picture of you, my heart stops and you take my breath away. Each time. I’m not supposed to feel this way about you anymore, I’m not. It’s been two years since you left me but it seems you still have a part of my heart. I don’t know if you even think about me every once in a while or feel something whenever you see my face. Part of me hopes you do, which is bad. I still have hope and I have been unaware of that or simply been trying hard to avoid that fact.
We met in the year of 2008. The first time I saw him I knew he was going to be my first love. We’d talk every day and spend hours behind the computer. I wanted to know every thing about him. I wanted him to know every thing about me. I wanted him, all to myself. Whenever he would call, my heart would scream of joy and suddenly all my troubles went away.
Our love was beautiful and lasted for about three months. But it only took a couple of weeks for me to fall head over heels in love. I fell so hard but he wasn’t there to catch me. That’s all I wanted, to be caught and he failed to do just that. My heart got destroyed. I couldn’t eat or sleep. Just the thought of him made me burst into tears. I swear I’ve cried a river.
I had a hard time with accepting the break up. Part of me could not believe that he could just leave me there to bleed with my broken heart. I’d spend hours and hours thinking on what I possibly did wrong, or maybe it was something I said. It took months for me to come to my senses. But it happened. I told myself I am not going to spend any more time crying or feeling depressed over this guy because it is a waste of time!
And so the naïve girl died.
I know I deserve so much better, and you’ve told me before. But now I finally believe it. I hope true love finds you, and that you’ll be able to put down your walls one day to finally experience how it feels like to truly love someone. Then maybe you will know how I’ve loved you. I’m writing this because I want this off my chest for good and to permanently forget about the thought of us ever getting back together.
So this is my heart telling you good bye forever.
Monday, January 17, 2011
This little love not has no image. It was a text message. One that woke me up this morning. It is beautiful. It should be shared. Sometimes I just love the simplicity of love.
"Plan for you, lets spend our lives together and age, but never get old."
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
You’re leaving today for Arizona and you’re probably never coming back. And I waited all day for a phone call, which obviously never came. And I thought to myself, if he did call, what would you say? Would I try to make a last stand to get you back or get you to stay? Would I calmly say goodbye and refuse to show emotion? Would I show concern? I think to find out the real truth I’d have to have actually received a phone call. So, I guess the world will never know.
But then I thought, well if you could say anything to him, without fear of repercussions, what would you say? So here goes.
I’ve never felt such a mix of strong and intense emotions about someone before in my life. It’s been 8 and a half months and I am still in love with you. I think about you every single day, with whatever it is that I’m doing. I love you. And I wish you knew what that even meant. Some days, I don’t even know what I mean. Most days I’m told to give up and move on, but I can’t. And I think a part of that stems from the fact that I promised myself and my heart to you for 8 months, and even though you took yours back, I’m still letting you have mine. Today, someone randomly told me that they thought you and I were going to be married. Others saw it too Jon, we are perfect for each other. And it’s not even about marriage for me, because honestly the idea of marriage scares me. It’s about the fact that I want to wake up every single morning and see your face or be in your arms. And I want that every day for the rest of my life, even though I know I’m not going to have it.
And I feel so pathetic for thinking this. I mean, it’s been so long, and clearly you have moved on to a new lifestyle entirely. The drugs and the drinking and the friends and Arizona in general. I don’t understand it. There is a part of me that feels that you’re retaliating against the life you had in Connecticut. Whether that’s your father or your mother, or something else entirely. And that’s fine if that is what you have to do. But its unnecessary and it’s scaring me. I fear for your life every day Jon, and I’m dreading the day when I get a phone call that tells me you’re gone. But the way you’re going, I think a part of me wouldn’t even be surprised.
You claim you don’t remember, but this summer we had a really intense conversation about a week before you left for school. And in it, you told me that cocaine replaced me in your life because it was the only thing that could make you as happy as I did. And that made me upset, because instead of letting me in and allowing our relationship to help you, you pushed me aside and replaced me with an illegal and synthetic powdery substance. And yet, here I am still in love with you.
It’s more than pathetic actually that I can’t get past this. All of the signs are there, we don’t talk, you do drugs, you’re failing out of school, and I’m getting my chance at a new beginning with college. But it’s like I’m refusing to acknowledge the signs. For some reason, I can’t say goodbye and I can’t let you go. The funny thing is, you’ve let me go and you don’t need me to let you go to move on.
I’m not the only one in your life who is concerned about you. Your friends like Isaac and Charliedan all worry about you. They think you’re taking it too far even Nick is scared. You’re going deeper and deeper and one day you realize it, but it’ll be too late to turn back. And who knows when that day will be. It could be in a few months, a year, or even a few years. Then what will happen to you? I know it sounds so conformist, but don’t you want to be able to set up a future for yourself in which you can be more successful than your childhood? And what if you find someone you want to spend your life with and have children with. Don’t you want to be able to give them a better life than you had growing up?
I think the main thing I would say to you, if I could say anything that would stick, would be to stay. I am begging you to stay in Connecticut. And it’s too late now, it’s 12:10 am on January 14, 2011, you’re boarding the plane. If this was an 80s chick flick, I’d be running through the terminal right now screaming your name, just to get you to stop and stay. I just think that Arizona is the wrong choice and will only prolong the drugs. I think you have a better chance here, even if you hate it.
In a perfect world, you’d read this and fall back in love with me. But if I have learned anything through this, it’s that the world is not perfect. If it were, I wouldn’t cry every time I hear “I’m Yours” and I would be able to sleep at night without dreaming of you coming back to me. In a perfect world, we’d still be together and perfect and happy. And that is what I need Jon, I need you. I need the guy who would sing to me and hold me and refuse to let me go. I need the guy who planned out our life together and looked at me as though I were the only person in the world. I need the person who was brilliant and could go so far. And I know he is still there, I see him come out some times. But he’s buried underneath this scared boy who thinks drugs are his only way out.
The most pathetic thing about this letter is that in my mind by writing this, you’ll one-day read it and we’ll one day be together again. But the cynical realist in me knows that that will never happen, and this will stay on my computer not to be opened again.
If I could say or do anything Jon, I’d tell you I love you and that you should say. And then I would wrap my arms around you and I would refuse to let go.
By now you’ve probably boarded, but I refuse to acknowledge this as a waste of time, because maybe one day you will read it. And when you do, I’ll be here waiting for your response.
I love you Jonathon. And I promise to never hurt you; I promise to love you forever. And if you’ll have me, I promise not to walk out.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
When you are in a relationship, you have a one-track mind: your boyfriend. When you break up, you have a one-track mind: your ex-boyfriend. At what point do you forget the past and start thinking only about ME? You don’t have to think about your past; you don’t have to think about what is gone; you don’t have to think about the love you are missing out on. It is better to be free than be enslaved by a tumultuous relationship; some love can’t be repaired. Yet after you are out of it, you don’t know how to be free. It is a paradox. You are too paralyzed to move because you are venturing into the unknown. Standing still is the initial reaction because you don’t know where else to go. You are abandoned in the blistering cold.
There is far too much life to live fully and alone to dwell on the what-if. Time quickly passes that you can never recover. I don’t want to live with regret. Dwelling and pitying has eaten a year of my life. A year. 365 days. I could have done a million things in a year, but I did nothing. Never again.
Selfishness is healthy. After a break-up, you absolutely must be selfish. You must immerse yourself in new experiences, activities, relationships to help create a new identity. All of the mental energy you possess must be devoted to repair and self-restoration. Nothing else. Otherwise your identity from the past remains your identity in the present. I don’t want to be the person I was in that relationship- I didn’t love myself. And I don’t love myself as long as I am still hung up on the devastation of it all. You must change EVERYTHING- experiment, risk, explore. Putting yourself out on a limb makes you stronger and more confident. Only you can change, there is nothing external that will initiate the process. I choose my thoughts; I choose my behaviors; I choose my proactivity. No one else can change these things. This is my biggest trap. I want some event to turn it all around, but this isn’t how it works. Change is a daily process- it is a lifestyle. Incremental, not overnight.
There is tremendous power in self-mastery; it is a journey I have been toying with for a long time, but have yet to aggressively pursue it. Old thoughts and habits inhibit my success, as I let them destroy all progress in one single swoop. I work so hard, yet give it all away because my mind convinces me I am not worth it. This is a habit, not who I am. I must rid myself of it. Only you can be your own biggest cheerleader- it’s not vain and conceited; it is a necessity. If you tell yourself something over and over, you eventually believe it; this is so true. Good mental health leads to good everything health.
Ridding yourself of the past is no different than ridding yourself of any kind of addiction. You simply can’t go back; not even one taste. It is an all or nothing. Letting your past creep in is dangerous because it can take over. You don’t have to let it control you; you just have to resist the urge to succumb to it. No pictures, no texts, no drunken calls. Nothing. He is dead to me. He is in a grave. It is time to climb out of the hole I’ve buried myself in along with him.
Life must move on. The world doesn’t stop spinning just because you can’t see the light of day. Life is waiting. Don’t miss out on it. Every second is a chance to be born again. Embrace the opportunities life has to offer- regret is probably more painful than heartache. You can love again, but you can’t live again.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
His hair, falls perfectly without him trying. His eyes, shine perfectly when he’s smiling. He took my perfume, sprayed it on himself and said, “so I can smell of you”. I melted. I never really wanted to think I was in love with him, I just thought I want what I cant have, but no, now I know without a shadow of a doubt. I’m in love with him, and if it’s possible to love someone more everyday, I love him more everyday. I hate him. I hate him so much, I loathe his being. And yet I cant help myself, i'm like putty in his hands, I want to hug him, kiss him, hold his hand, I want to feel the beat of his heart, his warm touch next to mine. And yet all of these things are impossible. For now. I’ve set myself a goal, I’m not going to give up without a fight. I know that at least if I don’t give up, I will be able to accept defeat if the time comes, if I try my very hardest. But I know that in the end, you can't make someone love you. So I’ll wait. Always.
Friday, January 7, 2011
My only new year's resolution was to never say your name out loud in 2011. So instead, I just repeat it in my head, over and over, like it's the only three syllables i ever learned. Like it's the only three syllables that matter. You were a lot of firsts and a lot or risks. Our religions, and just about everything else, clashed. And of course, i deemed that deafening sound of conflict as love, because love is a decision. Our soundtrack that year was Manchester Orchestra, middle of the night milkshakes and Family Guy marathons. It was you pulling me back for that last kiss before we walked outside back into reality. It was us texting at all hours and me, falling harder and harder. it was kissing you until it felt as natural and necessary as breathing. I became intoxicated with admiration.
When it turned ugly, it was you telling me we were too different. It was you who said "just because we've hung out a couple times doesn't mean anything." It meant we weren't in a relationship, no strings attached. It meant I would cry rivers, my small frame curled up alone on my bedroom floor at all hours when i saw pictures of you and your new girlfriend. It was her friends informing me that while you and I were pretending to be lovers, you two been in a real relationship. And i didn't even blame you, cheater. I resented her instead. Then we started talking again after you ended things with her, but only for a few months, because I kept doing that thing where I would get attached and you knew you were leaving. If I was brave, I would send you this and you might even read it. You might even feel something, a raindrop of sympathy for the tidal waves of loneliness and stupidity I feel. You left for graduate school and a year later, I still take walks at night and cry because I am convinced I will never have again feelings for someone like I had for you. Three years is a long time to hang onto someone that seemingly so easily moved on.
I know the feelings were mutual and it's one of those "can't live with you/can't live without you" things but you made the decision for me, didn't you? It's living without you and now i just repeat your full name in my head and take my blurry walks and ignore my broken heart. and most of all, i hope you're the happiest boy in the whole world. I love you to the sky and every inch from florida to connecitcut.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Things had become more or less the same for me nowadays. Everything was generic. I used to believe in love, and all of that fuzzy stuff. The first boy i was with screwed me over, and then the next one and the next one and eventually i found myself slowly losing faith in all things love related. It happened around the time i was 19, that was when i thought that i would adopt the ways of the male. To unconditionally be with guys with no strings attached therefore eliminating any chance of being hurt again. At the beginning things were good, i was able to be with the bad boys i had always wanted without being hurt by the baggage that they carried with them.
And then I found you.
You teased me about all the boys i spoke to at the same time and while i knew it was true i also hoped you said it out of jealousy hoping i'd realize. We began speaking after first meeting at a bar, first occasionally then everyday, once twice and eventually every moment that we could. But the problem is that you and your bad reputation are beginning to dent me. Not only are all my friends against your past actions. So i hide the fact that we talk, in the hopes that eventually they will forget.
When I found you it all changed.
I began spending every moment thinking about you, wondering what you were doing and what you were thinking. And when I saw you everything else seemed so out of control but in order at the same time. Both of us were not ones that were usually used to being tied down, we had both been with our fair share of people-and it was because of this that both of us found it hard to open up. I so desperately wanted to tell you about all the men i had been with but didn't want you to think any less of me-i guess its silly because we both know that no matter what you will be mine.
When I found you I became the jealous type.
The type of person i had always hated. The idea that someone could get jealous when the guy wasn't yet theirs seemed foreign and somewhat hard to comprehend until now...until the moment where i found you. Everything is so easy for us, that feeling of butterflies sits in my stomach constantly and the feelings i get when your name comes up on my phone are the type of feelings i never thought id feel. So now i wait, i wait for you to tell me how you feel, to confess it all, let me know everything and open up.
When I found you I changed, you changed me.
You really have changed me ben, and I know that the moment you tell me it all will be the best moment of my life. But until then I will wait, and I will hold onto our first, second, third and twentieth kiss.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
i want you, i need you, i choose you -- over any other boy in the world, i'd choose you over & over again. your name, your face, your smell, the soft curls of your hair.. i miss those already. i miss you so much & you haven't been gone 4 hours. but this time, i know you're gone for good.
i loved you, my dearest. my favourite shit-stirring, petty, jealous, overprotective, violent & ferocious beast. i loved you to death. i loved your madness, i loved you even when you were angry. & that was often. i knew you were ridiculous, i knew you were too much. my friends all thought so too. but i knew inside that you could be controlled, and only i could handle you. you were a thunderstorm, a tornado, a bolt of lightning that only i could soothe. strong, hard & sweaty, you would hammer your point across no matter how painful & trying it was. begging & pleading with me to change, to do something, to change something for you, to give something up.. but i never ever did.
you were the typical emotional abuser: frequently upset about my clothes, my work, my friends, my choices in life.. but i felt it was because every little detail about me mattered to you. you wanted to protect me from everything & keep me close to you, & i knew it was only because you were afraid. you were afraid to lose me because you loved me with the kind of love that is dying in this world. to you, i was irreplaceable. i was precious. i was special. & for you, no other girl existed. in our whole 3 years together, you never once mentioned any other girl being so much as good-looking. you respected me, you never once made me jealous. you cared for me, you lived for me, you planned your life around us. to you, i was the world.
yet to me, you were an option. because you were so devoted, i always took you for granted. always the independent kind, i lived my life the way i wanted & hoped you would accept it. i would decide on something regardless of your feelings, &, hurt, you would argue about it. i'm talking screaming, yelling, chasing, strangling. but it would blow over & we'd be laughing, kissing, cuddling, fucking again as if nothing ever happened. this was how we went on. day after day, week after week.. it was perfect. i loved the thrill, the adrenaline kept us going. we were fiesty together, always roaring, always laughing, always fucking hard. we'd quarrel only because it made us feel so much each other. it brought us closer, it made us seamless -- worked up in a frenzied passion only we could understand. but like all good things in life -- alcohol, cigarettes & cream cakes.. it just wasn't healthy.
i loved you so, so much. i loved how you fought with me, for me. i loved how you hurt. how to you i was the constant & the world, a variable. no matter how filthy i was & how differently diseased, you never ever gave up on me. girls would cry because their guys never wanted to work things out. they were insensitive, they never wanted to talk. i cried because you always wanted to work things out. sometimes when we'd argue, i felt you'd never give in. but you'd always give in, you'd always forgive me & accept me for who i am. you are only so hard, so thorny & so angry because it's just a means to protect yourself & your delicate little heart. when you weren't angry, you were the most gentle, selfless & loving boy God ever created.
but i can see now that your demands were too much. you are excessively jealous & overbearing. & this morning, on the first day of the near year, you went overboard in your violence. you made me angry. i made you angry. i used to tell myself it was different expression of love.. but fuck that, it's not love. it's not hot. it's not steamy. it's not right. you did something you shouldn't have done, & now it's over for the last time. but how i love you still. i want you, i need you.. my soul has never known anyone this well before. i want you so, so bad. my best friend, my worst enemy, my stalking killer, my comforter & protector.. they're all you.
it's better off this way. i need to hide you in a box & free you, safe where i can't harm you.
but how do you get over someone whom you've planned the rest of your life with?
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A new year, a new beginning, a fresh start and change, four things most and many people say. Thing is when it comes around... it’s just the same old thing, just a different day in a different year, and your still there, in my memories, in my heart. You were my first love.
I did start too believe that I was over you... Things were going good, I was somewhat a little happier than I have been in weeks.
Then you have to text me.... you said ‘happy new year, hope you get all you deserve x’ doesn’t sound a big deal, I know, but to me it is, the last time we spoke you was awful to me,
I was horrible back and we left it at that, and then you text me, it bought memories, feelings and heartache back to the surface.
I wish you never texted me, because I realised that I actually aren’t fully over you and I’m starting to hate the fact that I do miss you, I don’t want to miss you anymore.
You have hurt me so much... you pushed me out of your life like I wasn’t worth it, carried on to crush me into little pieces each day, and you just didn’t have a care in the world.
You promised me our future, you promised you would never leave me, you promised that you would never hurt me, but you broke them promises as quick as you made them.
Guess i was just silly to believe them.
So even though part of me does still love you, and part of me probably always will... right now i just can’t bring myself to forgive you. I’m sorry.
Sometimes, I wish things was different between us, that we made it through our problems, that i grabbed our last shot at being happy, that i didn’t let you go but it’s too late now.
I’m starting to believe that we are better off apart, plus you have a new girlfriend, you told me yourself and I said I didn’t care...
Truth is saying I didn’t care was so much easier then admitting that I’m hurt.
Me and you, us, doesn’t exist anymore, they say everything happens for a reason, so maybe we are better off apart and this is for the best.
I want you to know and i hope you do know, that I did love you, I really did, with everything I had, it was always just you, you had my heart, just you.
I tried so hard at times, i know i should of tried all the time, but you should of done as well, we both gave up on each other in the end. I am sorry.