Saturday, January 15, 2011

dear jon


sowhatdoyousay

Dear Jon,

You’re leaving today for Arizona and you’re probably never coming back. And I waited all day for a phone call, which obviously never came. And I thought to myself, if he did call, what would you say? Would I try to make a last stand to get you back or get you to stay? Would I calmly say goodbye and refuse to show emotion? Would I show concern? I think to find out the real truth I’d have to have actually received a phone call. So, I guess the world will never know.

But then I thought, well if you could say anything to him, without fear of repercussions, what would you say? So here goes.

I’ve never felt such a mix of strong and intense emotions about someone before in my life. It’s been 8 and a half months and I am still in love with you. I think about you every single day, with whatever it is that I’m doing. I love you. And I wish you knew what that even meant. Some days, I don’t even know what I mean. Most days I’m told to give up and move on, but I can’t. And I think a part of that stems from the fact that I promised myself and my heart to you for 8 months, and even though you took yours back, I’m still letting you have mine. Today, someone randomly told me that they thought you and I were going to be married. Others saw it too Jon, we are perfect for each other. And it’s not even about marriage for me, because honestly the idea of marriage scares me. It’s about the fact that I want to wake up every single morning and see your face or be in your arms. And I want that every day for the rest of my life, even though I know I’m not going to have it.

And I feel so pathetic for thinking this. I mean, it’s been so long, and clearly you have moved on to a new lifestyle entirely. The drugs and the drinking and the friends and Arizona in general. I don’t understand it. There is a part of me that feels that you’re retaliating against the life you had in Connecticut. Whether that’s your father or your mother, or something else entirely. And that’s fine if that is what you have to do. But its unnecessary and it’s scaring me. I fear for your life every day Jon, and I’m dreading the day when I get a phone call that tells me you’re gone. But the way you’re going, I think a part of me wouldn’t even be surprised.

You claim you don’t remember, but this summer we had a really intense conversation about a week before you left for school. And in it, you told me that cocaine replaced me in your life because it was the only thing that could make you as happy as I did. And that made me upset, because instead of letting me in and allowing our relationship to help you, you pushed me aside and replaced me with an illegal and synthetic powdery substance. And yet, here I am still in love with you.

It’s more than pathetic actually that I can’t get past this. All of the signs are there, we don’t talk, you do drugs, you’re failing out of school, and I’m getting my chance at a new beginning with college. But it’s like I’m refusing to acknowledge the signs. For some reason, I can’t say goodbye and I can’t let you go. The funny thing is, you’ve let me go and you don’t need me to let you go to move on.

I’m not the only one in your life who is concerned about you. Your friends like Isaac and Charliedan all worry about you. They think you’re taking it too far even Nick is scared. You’re going deeper and deeper and one day you realize it, but it’ll be too late to turn back. And who knows when that day will be. It could be in a few months, a year, or even a few years. Then what will happen to you? I know it sounds so conformist, but don’t you want to be able to set up a future for yourself in which you can be more successful than your childhood? And what if you find someone you want to spend your life with and have children with. Don’t you want to be able to give them a better life than you had growing up?

I think the main thing I would say to you, if I could say anything that would stick, would be to stay. I am begging you to stay in Connecticut. And it’s too late now, it’s 12:10 am on January 14, 2011, you’re boarding the plane. If this was an 80s chick flick, I’d be running through the terminal right now screaming your name, just to get you to stop and stay. I just think that Arizona is the wrong choice and will only prolong the drugs. I think you have a better chance here, even if you hate it.

In a perfect world, you’d read this and fall back in love with me. But if I have learned anything through this, it’s that the world is not perfect. If it were, I wouldn’t cry every time I hear “I’m Yours” and I would be able to sleep at night without dreaming of you coming back to me. In a perfect world, we’d still be together and perfect and happy. And that is what I need Jon, I need you. I need the guy who would sing to me and hold me and refuse to let me go. I need the guy who planned out our life together and looked at me as though I were the only person in the world. I need the person who was brilliant and could go so far. And I know he is still there, I see him come out some times. But he’s buried underneath this scared boy who thinks drugs are his only way out.

The most pathetic thing about this letter is that in my mind by writing this, you’ll one-day read it and we’ll one day be together again. But the cynical realist in me knows that that will never happen, and this will stay on my computer not to be opened again.

If I could say or do anything Jon, I’d tell you I love you and that you should say. And then I would wrap my arms around you and I would refuse to let go.

By now you’ve probably boarded, but I refuse to acknowledge this as a waste of time, because maybe one day you will read it. And when you do, I’ll be here waiting for your response.

I love you Jonathon. And I promise to never hurt you; I promise to love you forever. And if you’ll have me, I promise not to walk out.

Love,

Annie

27 comments:

  1. OMG so emotional, i wanna cry after reading this, im such a softie lol.

    Awww i hope some how he will realise all this and know how you feel. I can tell your a very strong person inside soo yes keep strong girl!! :)

    http://jensfashionlav.blogspot.com/
    http://jen-cheng.blogspot.com/

    jen x

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  2. this lady also write about love a lot: http://modellbloggen.se/
    she's a model who moved to south africa beacause she fell in love with a african boyfriend:)
    xx

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  3. Wow. Ok I seriously feel like crying now. That's so beautiful! I hope Jon comes back. That he gets over the drugs and all the bad stuff in his life, and let's you in, let's you make him happy. Sometimes wishes do come true, right?

    http://visionsofmemories.wordpress.com/

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  4. omfg i feel like i wrote this.
    this was me in november.
    but he left. and I'm still trying to move on...
    its been painful. i still think about him every day
    every minute
    whatever i'm doing

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  5. Oh Annie, I hope you'll feel better and that everything works out alright for you. A few months ago I got back together with an old boyfriend who had left me and moved away. After 2 years we ran into each other and he confessed he'd realised he made a mistake letting me go and has regretted it for a long time, but was afraid to call me, thinking I'd be too pissed off at him to take him back.
    It can happen. But in my case there weren't so many drugs involved :(. I can only imagine how powerless you must feel seeing someone you love slip away. Please take good care of yourself. And I hope Jon ends up finding what he searches for.

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  6. wow this story made me cry,
    hold on! you're strong!
    I hope things work out for you

    lots of love,

    champagnestaineddreams.blogspot.com

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  7. I think you need to actually hand write this and mail it to him. Yes, it will take courage but I tthink that would be the best thing. And btw this almost made me cry :(

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  8. It's hard, but i know you can let go. of course i can get carried away by your beautiful letter, but let's be realistic... i know it's hard, but by time you will let go. this is just sad, and your life will not get better by waiting. i do understand you love him and think he's the one, but someday you'll wake up and think about all the time you wasted. too many has been hurt to read about this again.

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  9. This is beautiful.

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  10. Darling, I have come to realize something, and it took me a while to accept it, but you can't change anyone who doesn't want to be changed. I hate that you have to go through watching your friend falling into this, I really don't know what I would do if it happened to me. I think you should show him what you wrote her and at least let him know how you really feel about it. But you can't press it upon him, if you show him how you feel, at least he will know. And hopefully it will make him think about what he's doing. But if he's treated you that way, I'm sorry to say it but you can't put up with anything. I understand that you love him, and how he once was, but it is his choice. Send him the letter, let him know that you are out there and that you care. That is really all that you can do. And then if there is nothing from him, you're going to have to try to move on. See the positive things in life, because they don't disappear because he does. You're stronger than that.

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  11. This reminds me of a situation I was in for almost two years. Eventually I had to let go to be there for myself. He was holding me back from living my life. It was hard and hurt, but looking back on it, it was the best thing I ever did. I hope your situation panes out better then mine did. Its now five years later and from what I hear mine is still a huge druggie and has gotten deeper and deeper into that life style.
    I used him as my security blanket. I wanted so much for him to want me the way I loved him, but sometimes letting go is the only way to stay sane. You'll get through it, but don't forget about YOU and give too much of yourself up for him. YOU are what matters ultimately.
    This is a beautiful piece and very relatable. Keep your head up girl. It'll get easier with time....

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  12. Send your letter to him.
    You have nothing to lose :)

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  13. Send this to him! This is so heartbreaking .. :(

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  14. I love your blog, and your notes ♥.

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  15. Beautiful. I agree with the others, u should send the letter. U've got nothing to lose and could make him think about more than ur relationship but what he's been doing to his life.

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  16. Whow... There's so much I want to say and tell you while reading this, but somehow, I have no idea what to say. You write such amazing words, and I wish I could explain to you how much it means to me just to be allowed to read this...
    I wish I could explain all the feelings that ran through my head while reading this, which is strange, 'cause this isn't meant for me, or anyone I know.

    I hope you'll get by. And I hope Jon gets by. And I hope he gets to read this one day...

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  17. I hope you tell him how you feel. Seems like you're the only one he'd listen to...

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  18. This was heart wrenching and life changing and yet motivating. I don't know what else to say, but I'm sending a mind hug your way!

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  19. I loved this. I run a new started blog right now, a little like lelove. confessionsihave.blogg.se
    love for you to read.

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  20. Please tell me Charliedan isn't an actual name.

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  21. There are few things more constricting than someone who worries about you to the extent of telling you how to fix and live your life.

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  22. Annie: you need to send this to Jon. It doesn't matter if in your eyes it's pathetic, sad, or a waste of time and paper. But who cares. Rather send than regret it later on in your life.
    Remember: it doesn't matter how many things that are in your way, if 2 people are meant to be together. Then you find a way back.
    And if you don't get back with him, it will get easier for you in time. It's no help now trust me I KNOW exactly how you feel. But send this letter. Who knows... when it reaches him. It might be just the reaching hand he needs, to get himself back onto his feet.

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  23. le sigh.

    sigh, sigh, sigh... :'(

    http://sartorialme.blogspot.com

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  24. I can't let go either. It's hard to realize every day that I have given up and I have to let go.

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  25. i can relate. i actually feel this way right now. its so hard to express what you're feeling sometimes, so I'm glad i found this. i admire your strength. hopefully ill be at that point soon. but for now, i'll continue to hope.

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