Thursday, January 27, 2011

I want to fall in love with you.


I want to fall in love with you.

No special reason behind it. I just do. As you probably know, I've been wanting a boyfriend for months now, but Lady Luck hasn't been on my side. There were a couple of guys who came along, but neither of them were my idea of boyfriend material.

I'm not saying you are, but I realized I quite like you, and that makes all the difference. See, I don't remember much about you, except that you were with my cousin for about a year or longer and that I met you once before (only to embarrass myself by drinking beyond my limit and throwing up). I have a vague memory of talking to you about my cousin when you were no longer together. It was about her relationship with her then new boyfriend. Something you said about cherishing her stuck, for some reason, and since then I've convinced myself that breaking up with you was one of the most stupid things she's ever done in her life.

I probably shouldn't have initiated the online conversation that led to this. By this, I mean this—all this talking we do through text, sometimes through chat.

I mean, it's probably nothing.

But I must admit I've been deriving some sort of felicity from our correspondence.

Which is probably wrong. We're friends, aren't we? For me, at least, we are. I'm too scared to ask you anything because it might put you off and cause you to distance yourself from me, so I hold myself back from throwing stupid questions in your direction and plague myself instead with torturous what-ifs lacking definite answers.

I want to fall in love with you. The want in this statement implies a consciousness on my part, a decision waiting to be made. Should I jump or shouldn't I?

I really don't know.

I've been trying to weigh the pros and the cons, but I have trouble organizing the chaos in my head, so I still haven't arrived at a conclusion. Only one thing has been fully established so far: I like you. And, inevitably, I find myself hoping you'd like me too.

When such hope begins to burn in my system, I panic. And for good reason. I am putting myself in a vulnerable position because of this hope. Don't I always say that hope leads to heartbreak? And I honestly believe that. Slowly, I am becoming attached to the experience of getting good morning messages from you, of being said good night to. Then I wonder if it's you or if it's the attention I am snagging from you that has this warm feeling circling in my chest. Twice I had thanked you for your attention, and twice you'd jokingly called me emo for it. I really do appreciate it though.

I'm overanalyzing things, I know. It would be much easier to just ask you, of course, but it's too risky to do so. Besides, we've only just been talking for a week, so what the hell, right? I'm scared of freaking you out, so I'll shut up for now.

And I know you probably won't get to read this but I'm writing it anyway, just to get the shit off my head even just for a second.

I want to fall in love with you.

But according to societal norms, it's too early for love so I will like you for now. I'll make an attempt to extinguish the tiny flicker of hope buried under my skin, but I'll hold on to the possibility of you getting me a pack of Life Savers, just as you said you would.

That day, when I finally saw you again, my heart raced I couldn't help fidgeting with my phone. Games are a good distraction so I consumed the remaining time trying to beat a tough level in a game called Taiko no Tatsujin. You said I looked like I wanted to smash my phone against a wall. I probably looked retarded. I wish I were cute instead.

I don't remember much about you, but I don't think I can forget you now.

I want to go out with you on a movie date or something. Hang out with you at an empty parking lot and talk to you about the stupidest things. But I can't ask you out. I'm not brave enough. Not because I'm scared of rejection but because it might mean having to give up on the inside joke involving mouthwash and the poring faced emoticon. And more than being rejected, it's losing these things that keep me from popping the question.

And then there's you. I mean, this has been all about me, me, me so far, so let's talk about you. You do have someone you like, don't you? Maybe someone you love, even. Of course, I'm only making assumptions, and if there's one piece of advice I get told often by my friends, it's to stop assuming. Easier said than done, though.

This is so damn complicated.

I want to fall in love with you.

And if this keeps up, I might just do.

- Star


  1. So true that it is easier said than done to assume. I hope you do get to fall in love with him. And I resonate with this. I want to fall in love with {a different} him, too.
    Much love,

  2. Omg... what's wrong with people?! Seriously, do you think you and your cousin will have a good relationship if you start going out with her ex? Why would you even start a conversation with him in the first place if you know that? You just don't do that to family or friends! You just don't!

  3. My sentiments exactly..I can't figure out what to do.So I rather escape for now...):

    best wishes to you though :) ,

  4. I agree with the above- good luck :)

  5. Definitely sounds complicated but emotions aside, what's stopping you from going for it?
    Your cousin, losing the little things that secretly make your heart melt, the timing? If there's too many complications I think it'll start off too messy. I say give it time and if it happens then it'll happen out of it's own accord. There's nothing wrong with enjoying his company. Maybe it can be one beautiful friendship?

  6. OMG, amazing, i went every day to read you

    xx, yamina

  7. this has happened to me too. i would love to here how "the story" ends. just take it step by step! good luck!

  8. I'll fall in love over and over again with the same person. :-)

  9. My cousin knows now. When I told her she flailed like an excited fangirl. Her relationship with him happened years ago, and she told me not to worry about her because although they were boyfriend/girlfriend, it really doesn't mean anything to her anymore. :)

  10. "hope leads to heartbreak?"

    That depends entirely upon what your hope is based upon. Emotional health attracts emotional health and emotional sickness attracts emotional sickness. If you keep attracting, or being attracted to crappy men then yes, heartbreak will be the result.

  11. i absolutely loved this post. thanks.

  12. Awww yaaay!!!! Happy endings hopeffully I'm glad your cousin was so considerate and can all of you guys do me a favor and check out my blog I'd really appreciate it!!!!

  13. it's the same with me just that we've been talking for a few months now & still have no courage to take the risk..

    anw, goodluck and hope it's a happy ending! (:

  14. I have just been in this situation myself, and you know what happened? Before I got myself together and told him face to face that I like him, he got a girlfriend.
    Don't be afraid to make things a little awkward, just do it, you'll regret it if you don't.

  15. I've been in a similar situation
    With the Texting relationship
    He was my exes friend.
    And I didn't know him well
    But we grew to know each other better than I could have imagined
    And I was faced with the same question
    Should I fall? Should I turn around and go back the other way?
    I fell.
    And it didn't workout in the long run.
    But I in no way regret falling
    He helped me find me again.

    And it was worth every sleepless night I spent questioning whether to fall or not.

    So dive. See what happens.

    No matter the outcome there will be something to learn.

  16. The answer is no, you shouldn't fall in love? If it was yes you wouldn't even be saying "I want to fall in love with you" - you'd just be in love.

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  19. I fell in love with my best friend's sister whom happens to be of my gender. I lknow what's stopping you, but can one really stop something that occupies you every thot and consumes your very existence. I am in love with her already.

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