Thursday, January 20, 2011

i deserved better


oisoubipolar

It’s been almost 5 months since he dropped the bomb on me. The thing is, it wasn’t even really a break up, at least not to him. Don’t you have to actually have a relationship to be broken up with? He was driving me to the train station after we spent a couple days together again. For the most part I’d had a wonderful time, despite his strange, withdrawn behavior for most of it after the first night. He told me he had just started dating someone, and it wasn’t serious, and the reason he acted how he did wasn’t anything I had done. Frankly, I wasn’t hearing all of it at that point. I was in the closest thing to a state of shock I had been in my entire life.

To make a long story short, after sending him an almost-too-long email telling him I wish he’d told me he was seeing someone else before I went to visit him, and that I thought what we had was more than just sex, he replied with a simple “I thought we were just having fun.” He also proceeded to theorize this “misunderstanding” was based on our difference in age and experience. We both said we were fine with being friends, but after two weeks, I removed him from Facebook, the tool we had used for keeping in touch after meeting and having a 2-night fling when I was studying abroad in Ireland and he in London. I thought this would make getting him over easier and quicker, but the only thing it did was take away the ability to see what he was doing and who we was conversing with, which was probably still beneficial for me.

One of the worst things you can do after a break up, whether you were the one to do the breaking up or you were the one broken up with, is to blame yourself and berate yourself for things you realize you could have done differently. But this is precisely what I did. I asked myself over and over, “Why weren’t you stronger? Why couldn’t you be one of those girls who can sleep with guy and not think anything of it? Why didn’t you ask him if he was dating someone before you went to go see him?” Truth be told, I was that girl at first. I didn’t want to be the stereotypical girl who thinks because she thinks the first guy she sleeps with is going to be one of the great loves of her life, especially if he wasn’t to start with. I told myself it was just sex. But he was the one who seemed to be coming on pretty strong and acting like we were actually friends after. But, after it all ended and I found out the truth, I felt like such an idiot, and a total outcast from the rest of society. We seem to live in such a casual, sex-driven society these days. I don’t really understand the “Friends With Benefits” movement. In the end, I think the focus is more on the benefits than the friend.

And to answer the question, “Why didn’t I ask him before I went to visit him if he was seeing someone?” Well, the way he talked to me, why would I think he was? My biggest mistake was trusting him.

Sometimes I want to contact him and let him know how wrong he was to have done that, because when it all first happened, my emotions were definitely in it, and I gave him way more credit than he deserves. I APOLOGIZED for not having been more upfront that I thought we were headed towards a “relationship” or love. However, I think it’s better if I just let him go rather than open that door of communication again. But now I see that he was lying. About what in total, I’m not 100% sure, but the one thing I would like to ask him is, “If you believed that both of us were in it just for ‘fun,’ why couldn’t you have told me the truth the moment I asked if there was a particular reason you left the bed in the middle of the night and slept on the couch? If I also was just having ‘fun,’ why would it have been a big deal to just tell me right then?" "Why did you wait 36 hours and tell me right before I was about to get on a 5 hour train ride? What do you think I thought about the entire way home?"

After months of ups and downs, crying myself to sleep and beating up on myself, I see it clearly now. This is not about me not being “strong” or “smart” enough. I think the fact that I cared about what he and I had, and that I “fell” for him, is a sign of my humanity. It’s clearly more of a risk to let your heart get involved than to remain unattached, but I’d rather be like that than close myself off and look at a person as only an object of lust. I think in my situation, he owed me a lot more than what he gave me. If it was only about sex with us, we shouldn’t have kept in touch and talked as frequently as we did about non-sex related things. If it’s only about sex for him, then he should keep it that way and try not to blur the lines between a person to have “fun” with and a person he genuinely likes. It makes me laugh now because, it almost felt like he was upset with me for feeling the way I did. Well excuse me, buddy, for actually liking you. If I thought you were just a jackass, I would have treated you that way. But I liked things about you other than when we were physical. How terribly awful of me to do that to you.

I deserved better from him. I know that now. Whether he knows it or not, I do, and that’s the only thing that matters.


-K.

32 comments:

  1. Yes your so right. You deserve alot better than that, then him. i really admire how strong your being and i hope you find the perfect guy that will treat you like your his only light in this world and if he could choose anyone in the world to be with it will be you and only you, just like every girl should.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "It’s clearly more of a risk to let your heart get involved than to remain unattached, but I’d rather be like that than close myself off and look at a person as only an object of lust."'

    Those lines speak so much to me. I fell for one of my best friends in a "friends with benefits" situation, and it's such a mess to sort through.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You have clearly thought a lot about the situation, and rightly so. I'm glad you realize you deserve better because you do. Good for you for starting the process of moving on.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You're me 2 months from now, aren't you?

    ReplyDelete
  5. yes, you deserve better one dear :) cheer up lady !

    ReplyDelete
  6. That same happen to me. That boy was my good friend and I had a crush on him, but we have this friends with benefits -relationship. Sometimes he acted like he also wanted something more than just that but a month ago he started dating some stupid girl. Now we're just friends but this whole thing felt like death to me. I don't know how to survive this. But I also now that I deserve something better, just like you! :)

    And I don't regret anything, because I think that anything is possible. Someday. We are today good friends and I just believe that someday comes him or some other who makes this all better.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Did I write this? I think I sleep walked my way to the computer and wrote this, it's like everything that's running around in my head just arranged itself into this text. Oh god I love whoever wrote this.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You deserve a lot better. You don't have to take that from him.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I've been EXACTLY where you are. I was with a guy for 4 years & he never told me when he was seeing someone. It was just sex & fun with him. I deserved better from him especially because he was my best friend. I like that line so much. You can't sit & beat yourself up over it your a 100% right. He should have told you. I'm sorry this happened to you. You deserve a 100% better!

    Melanie's Randomness

    ReplyDelete
  10. One of the hardest steps is cutting all ties with that person. I’m glad you realized that right on. Now, as long as you resist the temptation to reengage you will be over him in no time. Keep your head up, you most definitely deserve better :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. APPLAUSE! He was careless and selfish.I've learned to no longer assume that the other person is like me...emotionally or morally. Casual sex is rarely ever casual for both parties. Lesson learned and happily not repeated.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hi everyone...
    wow I can't believe this got published!

    yeah...part of the problem was, I guess we never talked specifically about what we were and what we were doing by being "friends" And I realized that it might be really hard, seeing as we lived sort of far apart, but I'd never felt anything like that, or felt wanted by someone like that before...however, I believe that if he had told me he was dating someone when we first talked about getting together again, I would have been more understand. We never did say we wouldnt date other people, so I wouldnt really be able to hold it against him. I would have been sad, but not nearly as crushed as what happened in the end.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I feel you, girl. It's crazy the way this blog keeps paralleling my path. I wrote this not too long ago: http://bulletproofblank.blogspot.com/2011/01/mona-lisa.html, and immediately thought of it when I realized what's in common. Thanks for keeping your chin up; it reminds me not to forget about mine.

    ReplyDelete
  14. this is almost a bit scary, i'm in the EXACTLY the same situation for the moment, it might as well be me who wrote this about me, and my life. but now i know am not alone feeling the way i feel

    ReplyDelete
  15. ME TOOO this is like word for word exactly what happened to me down to the facebook deletion!!! i'm so glad i'm not alone and the reason this happened to us is because we need to be set free from people like this, because we are too damn special to be a friend with benefits. we feel so upset because we know that it's a sign that we naurally move into the "love zone" because we are mean to be loved.

    ReplyDelete
  16. As I read this I cried. Why? because its just as if I had wrote it. I am here trying to find the strength to break the possiblity of a msg from him. Debating if I am strong enough to stand up for myself. It hurts to see his picture everyday, and never have those in depth, always honest, 3am convos while miles apart but I'm scared that it will hurt more knowing that there is no way for him to say hi, if he really wanted to.... Though we were only "more than best friends".... I never thought him walking out would feel as horrible as it did, and does, everyday. But see, I still miss him, and love him.... am I crazy?

    ReplyDelete
  17. no...you're not crazy. He and I were nowhere near being best friends...we only knew each other for a few months, but he was my first everything...first kiss, first makeout...and eventually...first lover...and I honestly didn't expect to hear from him much, given our situation, so when I did, I was ecstatic. I was the one to add him to Facebook, but i don't always talk to all the ppl I become FB friends with, but he was the one to initiate the actual further contact, and it just felt like he really liked me...even though I know what he did was wrong, I still want to hear from him and wonder if he thinks about me or feels bad and i don't know how that piece of this will go away...i hope it gets better for you though! but just know you're not crazy or alone in how you feel

    ReplyDelete
  18. After reading this article I am glad to see how it matches up with my first blog post (I'm new to all of this). The first subject of interest I will be blogging on is love. I just revealed a blog today of something of similar nature, as to possibly help you understand WHY you felt so attached to this person as you did so. With all human natures, they are inescapable. And no matter how hard we all try to turn from the dreams and hopes we keep, they too are inescapable. It is our job as civilized people to not turn back at the losses that have bestowed themselves upon us. Initially, the shock of loss hits us hard, but it is in our ability to let go of the past that proves our strength. The whole "friends with benefits" is a natural response of a fear of an attempt to create a unique bond so as to be able to live a "free-er" life, when really all that person is doing is to try and have the cake and eat it too. Do not stress on this person, for they are nothing more than a dream of the past. The sun always rises.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I am half way done reading this, but I don't understand the friends with benefits movement either. I get way too attached and i really can relate to this story..

    Thank you for this. As time goes by I find my self falling in lelove with your blog

    ReplyDelete
  20. wow... well at least you are getting some love in your life.. a life without love is no life at all... I am glad you are looking for the right kinda love... I really hope you find it girl. I know it's hard, but stay strong and pay attention to the people that bring love into your life.

    That is something I have learned this weekend after seeing an old flame... literally one of the best boy friends I have ever had. Gave me the best music, told me he loved me, wrote songs for me .. but he is still my ex and has had an amazing girlfriend for 3 years. Kinda like a stab in the chest that I am trying to cover up. Too many musicians have broken my heart and I am now afraid of them.

    I just threw up subconscious words on your blog. I hope you don't mind... this is kinda like therapy.

    thanks girl

    ReplyDelete
  21. I was in a similar situation.it ended at three months ago, I can't get over it.hope some day I can see thins so clearly as you see.

    ReplyDelete
  22. "We seem to live in such a casual, sex-driven society these days. I don’t really understand the “Friends With Benefits” movement. In the end, I think the focus is more on the benefits than the friend."

    Gosh, you're inspiring girl!
    Totally agree..

    ReplyDelete
  23. I was involved in a similar situation last year. Thank you so much for this.

    ReplyDelete
  24. sometimes you need to forget what you want and remember what you deserve. well put.

    ReplyDelete
  25. this is one of the my favourite posts i've ever read on here. thanks for writing this.

    ReplyDelete
  26. wow, i had the same experience over an year ago. thanks for sharing.... im still in love with him because i still talk to him regardless of what he put me through. im glad that you let go off him like that, wish i could too.

    ReplyDelete
  27. DONT READ THIS. YOU WILL BE KISSED ON THE NEAREST POSSIBLE FRIDAY BYTHE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.TOMMOROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. NOWYOU'VE STARTED READING THIS. DON'T STOP. THIS IS SO FREAKY.1. say your name ten times.2. say your mom's...... name five times. ... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See... See More... See More ... See MoreMore... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See more... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See more... See more... See more... See more... See more... See More... See more... See more... See More... See more... See more... See More... See more... See more... See More... See More... See More... See more... See More... See More... Visa mer... See more... See more... See More... See More... See More... See More... See more... See More... See More... See More... See more... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See more... See More... See More... See more... See more... See More... See more... See more... See More... See More... See more... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More... See More3. say your crushes three times4. paste this to four other groups.If you do this, your crush will kiss you on the nearest Friday.But if you read this and do not paste this, then youwill have very bad luck.SEND THIS TO 5 GROUPS IN 143 MINUTES. WHENYOU'RE DONE PRESS F6 AND YOUR CRUSH'S NAME WILL APPEAR IN BIG LETTERS. THIS IS SO FREAKY BC IT ACTUALLY WORKS

    ReplyDelete
  28. I could have written so much of this myself. So many hours I've spent thinking over and over again about my own situation - what I could have done better, how I should have known, how I gave so much of myself to someone who never gave anything back - and my own trains of thought have sometimes read almost identical to your words.

    'And to answer the question, “Why didn’t I ask him before I went to visit him if he was seeing someone?” Well, the way he talked to me, why would I think he was? My biggest mistake was trusting him.'

    You're right. It's not our faults. It's not our job to interrogate everyone we meet about their relationship statuses; it's not our obligation to live life in constant mistrust of everyone we grow to care about. Like you said, you are only human. There's nothing wrong with you.

    His behavior, on the other hand, is what displays a lack of humanity. Don't believe him when he tells you he thought you guys were just having fun. Don't let him make you feel like you were deluded in some way by not realizing the "truth". He knew better. He was selfish, he was manipulative, he knew what he was doing was wrong.

    Although it is easier said than done (at least it has been for me), just remember that this incident will ultimately weaken him and strengthen you.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Oh my god, there's a lot of helpful info above!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Wow, there is a lot of worthwhile material above!

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...