Friday, January 7, 2011

can't live with you/can't live without you


weheartit

My only new year's resolution was to never say your name out loud in 2011. So instead, I just repeat it in my head, over and over, like it's the only three syllables i ever learned. Like it's the only three syllables that matter. You were a lot of firsts and a lot or risks. Our religions, and just about everything else, clashed. And of course, i deemed that deafening sound of conflict as love, because love is a decision. Our soundtrack that year was Manchester Orchestra, middle of the night milkshakes and Family Guy marathons. It was you pulling me back for that last kiss before we walked outside back into reality. It was us texting at all hours and me, falling harder and harder. it was kissing you until it felt as natural and necessary as breathing. I became intoxicated with admiration.

When it turned ugly, it was you telling me we were too different. It was you who said "just because we've hung out a couple times doesn't mean anything." It meant we weren't in a relationship, no strings attached. It meant I would cry rivers, my small frame curled up alone on my bedroom floor at all hours when i saw pictures of you and your new girlfriend. It was her friends informing me that while you and I were pretending to be lovers, you two been in a real relationship. And i didn't even blame you, cheater. I resented her instead. Then we started talking again after you ended things with her, but only for a few months, because I kept doing that thing where I would get attached and you knew you were leaving. If I was brave, I would send you this and you might even read it. You might even feel something, a raindrop of sympathy for the tidal waves of loneliness and stupidity I feel. You left for graduate school and a year later, I still take walks at night and cry because I am convinced I will never have again feelings for someone like I had for you. Three years is a long time to hang onto someone that seemingly so easily moved on.

I know the feelings were mutual and it's one of those "can't live with you/can't live without you" things but you made the decision for me, didn't you? It's living without you and now i just repeat your full name in my head and take my blurry walks and ignore my broken heart. and most of all, i hope you're the happiest boy in the whole world. I love you to the sky and every inch from florida to connecitcut.

18 comments:

  1. story of my life..

    i loved a guy for 3 years, it drove me insane, but i never really told him.. after him i thought i was through with relationships i just wanted to have fun..that same year i met someone else, i got attached so fast and we dated a couple of months, he broke my heart twicce, and i always tell myself that im never going to have such strong feelings for someone else, i get you..hang in here, it gets easier to breath everyday.

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  2. It is stories like the ones on your blog that makes me believe in true love. every single story you have posted is about true love. thank you for making me believe that it actually exists!

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  3. This was heartbreaking to read because it struck so many chords in my own life but with the few differences.

    Just because he was the one who walked away does not make him the bigger man. I think you're twice the heart and soul as he is/was because even with a broken heart you can still wish him well & love him after all he's done.

    With a heart as big as yours, you'll find love again :) Good luck!

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  4. As with the ones above me, this hit so close to home.
    I've been sleeping with a guy off and on for three and a half years now. As soon as he gets a girlfriend, he just stops talking to me. But my feelings were so strong for him that I would take him back every time, because he apologized.

    It does get easier with time. Soon you'll be able to let go, you'll find someone who actually wants to be with you, when he isn't a cheater in a relationship. Love will come when you least expect it.

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  5. It happened to me too, and, at that time, someone told me that one day, I would wake up, and feel like it's only an old memory I care about, and no longer hurt about. And, at that time, I thought these were just kind words to help me go through my pain.
    But one day, I woke up, and my first thought wasn't him. Maybe it was about my breakfast or my homework or another useless thing I don't remember, but it wasn't about him.
    And it has gone. The pain was gone. And I hadn't even noticed it until that day.

    So, don't try to forget it all ever happened, because the longer you try, the longer you can't. Because every moment of trying means, in some way, to still think about him, because in "to forget about him" there is still "him".

    Just know that "one day, you'll wake up, and feel like it's only an old memory you care about, and no longer hurt about", and wait for that day :)

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  6. To forget about someone you have to want it. Just like quit smoking. Yesterday I made a promise to myself; i would not look at my ex-boyfriends profile on facebook the whole day. I didn't do it and it felt alot better. Just start with small goals.

    Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

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  7. It's sooo hard to feel like that and even harder when you know it's stupid and you know you're only hurting yourself more by thinking and feeling so much about it still....but you really can't do anything about it. No one can control falling in or out of love, no matter how much we wish we could. It's scary as hell. I'm sure someone has secretly been just as torn up over you. But it happens to the best of us.

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  8. I've got my heart broken this very night. Again. Your blog makes me feel not so alone as I really am.

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  9. Reading this made me cry... :(

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  10. That was so beautifully written, I could fee the emotion seeping out, things will get better, you never know what life has in store for you.

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  11. This hit so close to home for me, it's crazy. Although it's been a year and it hasn't gone away, I promise you that it gets better. Like others have said before me... One day you'll wake up and the hurt will be less. Just focus on yourself; focus on growing from your pain.

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  12. It looks like I read my diary for the last year.
    This raped my heart...

    <3 be strong...

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  13. Kronope is right.. i dated a guy and i like him so much... he broke my heart and i taught that i would be broken forever... i just tried to move on hanging with my friends not entering to his fb and not asking to his friends about him... and the day that i woke up and the first taught in my head wasnt him came...

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  14. No, you'll never find a love like this one, but you'll find another. It will be a different kind, but it wont be less wonderfull and filled with star dust. But yea, it'll be a different kind. It's like comparing red and blue. They are so beautiful each in their own way. It's the same when it comes to love. I know it. :)

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  15. What are you waiting for? If it's a can't live with/without situation then tell him how you feel. Tell him everything. It seems you have nothing to lose at this point if you're still so stuck to him.

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    ReplyDelete

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