Monday, January 3, 2011
how do you get over someone
i want you, i need you, i choose you -- over any other boy in the world, i'd choose you over & over again. your name, your face, your smell, the soft curls of your hair.. i miss those already. i miss you so much & you haven't been gone 4 hours. but this time, i know you're gone for good.
i loved you, my dearest. my favourite shit-stirring, petty, jealous, overprotective, violent & ferocious beast. i loved you to death. i loved your madness, i loved you even when you were angry. & that was often. i knew you were ridiculous, i knew you were too much. my friends all thought so too. but i knew inside that you could be controlled, and only i could handle you. you were a thunderstorm, a tornado, a bolt of lightning that only i could soothe. strong, hard & sweaty, you would hammer your point across no matter how painful & trying it was. begging & pleading with me to change, to do something, to change something for you, to give something up.. but i never ever did.
you were the typical emotional abuser: frequently upset about my clothes, my work, my friends, my choices in life.. but i felt it was because every little detail about me mattered to you. you wanted to protect me from everything & keep me close to you, & i knew it was only because you were afraid. you were afraid to lose me because you loved me with the kind of love that is dying in this world. to you, i was irreplaceable. i was precious. i was special. & for you, no other girl existed. in our whole 3 years together, you never once mentioned any other girl being so much as good-looking. you respected me, you never once made me jealous. you cared for me, you lived for me, you planned your life around us. to you, i was the world.
yet to me, you were an option. because you were so devoted, i always took you for granted. always the independent kind, i lived my life the way i wanted & hoped you would accept it. i would decide on something regardless of your feelings, &, hurt, you would argue about it. i'm talking screaming, yelling, chasing, strangling. but it would blow over & we'd be laughing, kissing, cuddling, fucking again as if nothing ever happened. this was how we went on. day after day, week after week.. it was perfect. i loved the thrill, the adrenaline kept us going. we were fiesty together, always roaring, always laughing, always fucking hard. we'd quarrel only because it made us feel so much each other. it brought us closer, it made us seamless -- worked up in a frenzied passion only we could understand. but like all good things in life -- alcohol, cigarettes & cream cakes.. it just wasn't healthy.
i loved you so, so much. i loved how you fought with me, for me. i loved how you hurt. how to you i was the constant & the world, a variable. no matter how filthy i was & how differently diseased, you never ever gave up on me. girls would cry because their guys never wanted to work things out. they were insensitive, they never wanted to talk. i cried because you always wanted to work things out. sometimes when we'd argue, i felt you'd never give in. but you'd always give in, you'd always forgive me & accept me for who i am. you are only so hard, so thorny & so angry because it's just a means to protect yourself & your delicate little heart. when you weren't angry, you were the most gentle, selfless & loving boy God ever created.
but i can see now that your demands were too much. you are excessively jealous & overbearing. & this morning, on the first day of the near year, you went overboard in your violence. you made me angry. i made you angry. i used to tell myself it was different expression of love.. but fuck that, it's not love. it's not hot. it's not steamy. it's not right. you did something you shouldn't have done, & now it's over for the last time. but how i love you still. i want you, i need you.. my soul has never known anyone this well before. i want you so, so bad. my best friend, my worst enemy, my stalking killer, my comforter & protector.. they're all you.
it's better off this way. i need to hide you in a box & free you, safe where i can't harm you.
but how do you get over someone whom you've planned the rest of your life with?