Monday, January 3, 2011

how do you get over someone


i want you, i need you, i choose you -- over any other boy in the world, i'd choose you over & over again. your name, your face, your smell, the soft curls of your hair.. i miss those already. i miss you so much & you haven't been gone 4 hours. but this time, i know you're gone for good.

i loved you, my dearest. my favourite shit-stirring, petty, jealous, overprotective, violent & ferocious beast. i loved you to death. i loved your madness, i loved you even when you were angry. & that was often. i knew you were ridiculous, i knew you were too much. my friends all thought so too. but i knew inside that you could be controlled, and only i could handle you. you were a thunderstorm, a tornado, a bolt of lightning that only i could soothe. strong, hard & sweaty, you would hammer your point across no matter how painful & trying it was. begging & pleading with me to change, to do something, to change something for you, to give something up.. but i never ever did.

you were the typical emotional abuser: frequently upset about my clothes, my work, my friends, my choices in life.. but i felt it was because every little detail about me mattered to you. you wanted to protect me from everything & keep me close to you, & i knew it was only because you were afraid. you were afraid to lose me because you loved me with the kind of love that is dying in this world. to you, i was irreplaceable. i was precious. i was special. & for you, no other girl existed. in our whole 3 years together, you never once mentioned any other girl being so much as good-looking. you respected me, you never once made me jealous. you cared for me, you lived for me, you planned your life around us. to you, i was the world.

yet to me, you were an option. because you were so devoted, i always took you for granted. always the independent kind, i lived my life the way i wanted & hoped you would accept it. i would decide on something regardless of your feelings, &, hurt, you would argue about it. i'm talking screaming, yelling, chasing, strangling. but it would blow over & we'd be laughing, kissing, cuddling, fucking again as if nothing ever happened. this was how we went on. day after day, week after week.. it was perfect. i loved the thrill, the adrenaline kept us going. we were fiesty together, always roaring, always laughing, always fucking hard. we'd quarrel only because it made us feel so much each other. it brought us closer, it made us seamless -- worked up in a frenzied passion only we could understand. but like all good things in life -- alcohol, cigarettes & cream cakes.. it just wasn't healthy.

i loved you so, so much. i loved how you fought with me, for me. i loved how you hurt. how to you i was the constant & the world, a variable. no matter how filthy i was & how differently diseased, you never ever gave up on me. girls would cry because their guys never wanted to work things out. they were insensitive, they never wanted to talk. i cried because you always wanted to work things out. sometimes when we'd argue, i felt you'd never give in. but you'd always give in, you'd always forgive me & accept me for who i am. you are only so hard, so thorny & so angry because it's just a means to protect yourself & your delicate little heart. when you weren't angry, you were the most gentle, selfless & loving boy God ever created.

but i can see now that your demands were too much. you are excessively jealous & overbearing. & this morning, on the first day of the near year, you went overboard in your violence. you made me angry. i made you angry. i used to tell myself it was different expression of love.. but fuck that, it's not love. it's not hot. it's not steamy. it's not right. you did something you shouldn't have done, & now it's over for the last time. but how i love you still. i want you, i need you.. my soul has never known anyone this well before. i want you so, so bad. my best friend, my worst enemy, my stalking killer, my comforter & protector.. they're all you.

it's better off this way. i need to hide you in a box & free you, safe where i can't harm you.

but how do you get over someone whom you've planned the rest of your life with?



  1. How often I read things on here that I wish were written by her..

  2. OMGosh. This took my breath away. Its so passionate, but yet so harmful.I dont know how to answer your question.. But I ask myseld the same thing. How does one go on after that?

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I'm waiting for an answer too. Help.

  5. if you think you were the one who made the mistake that drove you both apart or were as guilty as he was take the first step and call him. If he was the one and only guilty, be strong, he'll call, if not he wasn´t meant to be. Destiny is a bitch doll... it works in twisted and sadistic ways that our hearts cannot understand, the pain will remain inside you for a long time, but thanks to it,you'll grow up, and your mind will mature, so much that he won't be enough for you. As for your plans, when and if you meet someone else they will change, they WILL be better.

  6. I must agree with giovanna . you were the one who started it. you took him for granted. people have boundaries . all I can say is, learn from it. dont make the same mistake twice as you would fall for someone one day.

  7. soft curls in your hair... I can relate to that!

  8. beautiful written, and I really don't know.. If it's real you don't, and you just got to life with it I think.. It's damn hard..

    Wish you well!
    xoxo irene

  9. a day at a time, a moment at a time the precious memories will fade and you will find someone else who make these feelings ten times more. But Ohhhh I know your pain. I never thought I could get over this one guy. He cut me into pieces & I fell. But I did find someone who put me back together. It might take a while but it'll happen. Best wishes

    Melanie's Randomness

  10. hi its inposebel to gate over somenone i hade a boyfrend and he promes stof to me and my baby then left me;/ i still love hit but i have to do the right fore me other kidz so i for 2 weks ago moved to my x how i hace 3 kids with but i stil not over the babys father. its inposobel to gate over someone but when you find another boyfrend then you gate over him but you can allways try to gate your x boifrend bak sorry my bad english hugs

  11. I know how you feel, and unlike others who feel like it was your fault, it takes two to tango. But that all doesnt matter anymore. What's done is done. All you can do now is learn from your mistakes, resolute yourself in your decision to move on, and try your hardest not to look back. Give yourself some time to heal, dont rush into anything new while you aren't ready.
    Trust me it gets easier, especially when you understand why it wont work out anymore. I know how difficult it is to avoid every trace, every little detail that reminds you of him, and I know how much you yearn to pick up the phone and go back on your decision when the missing gets so bad. But please dont betray your own self. This was meant for you, and you need to allow your heart to mend.
    Stay strong, know you arent alone.

  12. I dont want to be a pessimisst or mean, but the thing is you dont get over it. Sooner or later you'll go on with your everyday-life,school, work, friends, hobby, meeting new people... But you will always bare him in your heart. Hopefully, someday, you'll find someone who'll never leave you, complete you fully.
    Been there, done that. Keep on sister, Love!

  13. I dont want to be a pessimisst or mean, but the thing is you dont get over it. Sooner or later you'll go on with your everyday-life,school, work, friends, hobby, meeting new people... But you will always bare him in your heart. Hopefully, someday, you'll find someone who'll never leave you, complete you fully.
    Been there, done that. Keep on sister, Love!

  14. im surprised no one commented on the nature of the abuse... listen, honey, love doesnt hurt. ever. you got out. and for that, youre eternally lucky... trust me. you realize it wasnt love... it was a kiss with a fist.

    listen to florence and the machine and christina perri's 'jar of hearts' PLEASE...

    you made the right decision

  15. This was so beautifully written

  16. The critics I gave to You was always hounest! Maybe too hounest..
    I never wanted to hurt You or make You angry, and what do I have to be jealous about? Health maybe, but dont forget I have been offred a job in LA that probably wourld have been more wellpayed than all jobs You have done in Your career together.. I said no, I just didnt want to.. You go on and live the American dream, You are really worth it couse I know how hard You have worked all Your life, and You have turned into a genius artist, and I have great respect for You.
    We just have diffrent values, thats all.. I think I am a kind, caring & loving person that might have some really "rough" sence of humor, but dont forget that Im fucking with Myself just as mutch as Im fucking with You or anyone else.. ;) I just want to say that I didnt mean any harm, but I guess You do... They really wanted You away from Me. Cant You see that? and I thought Love was blind!? You have People around You Who dosnt give a shit about You, the only misson they have is to talk dirty about Me, because some Presidents and Kings dont think You are good for Me.. But I think You are, Youre the smartest (But blind) girl I have met sence A.M..
    BTW funny You like Ghandi, My mom loved Ghandi and Buddha, I kind a like them too, but havnt read so mutch of/about them.. Sad it wourld end like this, I always hoped that You world try the European dream, I shourld be hounest to say that I always wanted You to Europe, Yes, but I have always been hounest about it! Thats better up than Your so called "friends" that are paid to split Us up.. Be more careful!
    I was so happy when I was thinking about You this night, how beautiful You are, strange that I really had problems to breath while You were writing this, it was like I knew even if I didnt... No matter if You are My girl or not, I promise that I will try to get My life back in order, and I will always love You...


  17. B (original poster)January 4, 2011 at 7:16 PM

    hey guys, thanks for your words of encouragement. i guess it's just hard breaking out of something you've grown to get used to & in fact, love -- no matter how unhealthy it was. this wasn't the first time police were involved, or property was damaged. there was definitely emotional & physical abuse.. he'd call me all kinds of names. but i grew to expect it & tell myself i was okay with it. on other days, he was the most loving, most gorgeous, most caring boy in the world. & i don't know if i can move on from that. every other boy just doesn't match up to that strength & fragility i'd grown to love. :(

  18. B (original poster)January 4, 2011 at 7:17 PM

    also, i didn't change for him and definitely 'took him for granted' because he asked insane things of me. eg. he wanted me to dictate my dressing, he was always asking me to cancel social events at the last minute to 'choose him instead'.. etc. i should have, sometimes, but other times, really.. it was too much.

  19. there is no WAY to get over it. time is literally the only thing that can heal you. truly. everyone says it, and the very taste of it is horrible, but there is truly no other secret than time. it steals the little memories. it erases the perfect and small moments. i'm a year out of an 8 year relationship. it's not easy, but it's easier than last year. and next year will be easier that this year. time. one day at a time. eventually he will leave your skin then your bones then your blood. one tear at a time. be patient. distract yourself by caring for yourself. work out every day. learn to cook for yourself. get massages every month. see a grief therapist. take good care of yourself and let time rob you of the memories....she will....i promise....

  20. Kind love will never die.. And also if you really are determined to get over him you can, the amount of time it'll take to do so depends on how emotionally and mentally strong you are.. "These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, Which, as they kiss, consume. (Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene VI )"

  21. i love your posts because they are so well written and i can relate to them. and i am asking myself the same question :/

  22. Ugh. the feeling is all too mutual..

  23. this is amazing. i can't even find the words for it. this is exactly my life at the moment. i wish you all the luck in the world

  24. Dreams like you have not ever done, I'll will be there.
    Everything hurts me now, I'm so tired...I wish I was the moon tonight...I wish, I wish...

  25. its like a disease... feels like a terminal disease...but the good thing is that even though it will scar you and remain there forever, it will heal... to the point you'll forget abt the scar... but even if you do go back, go back after a while, a long while, and think of what you went through, your scar will rip open and hurt... but not as much as you hurt now...

    I wish you get over it... 'times a great healer...' you've prob heard it so many times... but its fact.

    i feel scared now...

  26. I know that writing all that down hurt. But its beautiful. Its everything I feel.

    And what do I do? I take one day at a time, I lie to my self that its for the best. For me and for him. Even though I love him so much it hurts. But still Im fighting through the day.

    So take one day at a time.

    X Kate

  27. You have to let him go. As much as you love him, he is hurting you above all else. Love yourself and you will be so much stronger. You deserve someone who will treat you like you are the most amazing person in the world. This other guy, he needs to work on himself.

  28. it's ur life, u choose what to do n not what others want u to. there'll be tendencies that u'll think of good times but also think of the bad times. think for yourself, you wouldn't want history to continue to repeat for the rest of ur life time n time agn. I've been through mental abuse. the moment I let go, I feel free, I can finally slp n breathe. b strong, stay strong.

  29. Please visit my blog. I am another broken hearted woman struggling with it all

  30. this is probably the best post i've ever read at lelove. i can relate to it in so many ways.

    that his beauty is of a kind that others do not see or understand. that what you have is a virus curing itself over and over; a constant domino effect that arouses itself. the more you love, the more you harm, and the more you harm, the more you love.

    i loved him because he wasn't a stereotype romantic. he wouldn't take me out to dinners, open the door for me or pull out the chair, he lit no candles and phoned me quite seldom, he didn't call me honeypie; and i never wanted him to. i loved him because he never deprived my independence. he never minimized me into "baby". he magnified me. i grew with him, not into him. he lived life and let me live it.

    i knew from the start where we were heading, but it didn't really bother me. we were brief but intense, and that is how i want to live my life. in episodes, chapters. i recently turned a page, and trust me, i know the confusion of staring at blank lines. i won't be waiting for him to return, because as you said, i know it's all over now. and i don't know how to get over him, so i'm afraid i've got no hints for you. i'm hopeful i can learn out of people commenting here.

    but i do know that any man crossing my way, will be judged by his measures. whoever i choose to settle down with, will be a second best. i will keep it a secret, but i will always wish he was my angry beast, right there, at the breakfast table, on the sidewalk, in the grocery store, next to me in bed, in the car, everywhere, anywhere, all of the time. i will always love and miss him.

  31. I know this kind of love, have it now, and it doesnt bring happiness to anyone, yet its intoxicating, something so hard to detatch from. But there is a point where its too much. You probably always knew there would be something to bring to an end. And then you are free to find something new.

  32. Ever since this was posted, I come back to read it daily. It reminds me so much of me and the guy I've been with for the past 8 months it is stunning. This is us. this is me and him. property damage, name calling, strangling...all things destructive we've done. i cant understand why you destroy the one you love the most. but all i know is that it happens in love. a roller coaster and when you wrote about the addiction to it, i feel that. ferocious beast was a wonderfully accurate description of him. the fragility and strength are so delicately balanced and pull my heart strings like no other. and yet, like you said, it's so unhealthy if you stay it will kill you...but like a cancer, it is extremely hard to get rid of something that is so internally stuck within you.

  33. B (original poster)January 7, 2011 at 9:02 AM

    to the 2 anons above this: you are right about everything. it's addictive, it's thrilling, & even today, i find myself going back to him.. it's hard to keep apart, i can't imagine him with any other girl. & when i do, i feel rage.

    it's so hard. i don't know what to do. i want to keep apart, but i want him as well. i am as fucked up as he is. & maybe that's why i should never let go.

    confused. :(

  34. ya well i definitely have asked myself if im as fucked up as the guy ive been with for the past 8 months to allow what has gone down between us to continue. and yet, it is a true addiction. for the glorious highs, for the ravaging makes me feel like ill never feel anything this intense between myself and another guy again. and yet, i cant live like this anymore. i am in school. he cant come over at 4 am every night, on one drug or another, accusing me of cheating, just because i look 'pretty'. cant i look pretty for you? i must be addicted to the pain of it all, because as they say, without pain, there is no pleasure. the pain is so deep and and consuming that it makes the pleasure all the more wonderful. hurts so good would be a proper way to describe it. and yet, its not enough. as much as it brings me up, it brings me down. sounds like for you as well. its the hardest thing ill ever have to do, but im seeing him one last time and i have to let go of him for MY life. i need my life back. i really hope we can figure out how to let go of the one thing we dont know how to...because as much as being without him scares me, the thought of being with him scares me more. and that is all i need to know to understand what must be done. wishing you strength in your own battle.

  35. This is me too. It's been two years with the same guy. Two years of emotional and physical abuse. Two years of the most intense love I've ever felt. I feel this way exactly "i felt it was because every little deetail about me mattered" and the fucking-it's never been better with anyone...ANYONE.

    He calls me slut, POS, worthless, etc. yet right when he says "sorry" everything is okay. Yeah I'm upset for a bit but it all feels okay.

    I left him and we spent 6 months apart. I found a sweet, genuine boy who was very handsome. But it wasn't the same. We didn't have passion. I was so used to the insane passion I couldn't do it. & I went back to him.

    Passion. We're either passionately in love or passionately fighting. & I admit I'm crazier with him than I've ever been with anyone else. We're both damaged-but to a point-we're doing it to each other. I just wish one of us could stay away. We've tried so many times but we can't live without each other. And at what price? Feeling worthless and depressed 50% of the time? I just wish he wasn't so mean. I wish he wouldn't say the things he says. I love him, I really do. I cannot imagine life without him. Then again, I cannot imagine my entire life with him either.


  36. I'm so happy to know I'm not the only one in this situation.

    Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for sharing. And thank you for making me not feel so alone in this.

  37. "[...] my stalking killer" yeah probably best that you ended it....................
    but to be honest, the relationship didn't seem very stable to genuine in the first place, being that he was very controlling and I'm guessing even abusive, which is absolutely unacceptable on any level. And also, the fact that you said you were everything to him but that he was just another "option" for you, so, it doesn't seem like a long lasting, genuine relationship. So,I guess it's better this way? That's the most positive way of looking at it. Just a little confused on how you still miss him, since you insinuated that he's abusive? No one deserves that, no matter how sweet and caring he may be at other times. I mean, imagine when you're older, with children, do you really think it'll get better or even disappear? He obviously has issues he needs to work out because he is far from having a secure attachment style. You and anyone in a similar situation can do so much better!

  38. Wow. After reading this, what sticks out the most is how strong you were to leave him.

    Keeping him gone and out of your life, that's a whole different thing. It's a war in itself... the hardest one, I think.

    Abusive people are like diseases, you can cut them out but you still have to radiate. Radiate (get rid of) some of the people you're around. The abusive lover. Change the places you go and even some of the things you do... ohmygosh. The difficulty in doing these things... it's the cause of so many people's destruction :(

    I've had to cut a very manipulative person out of my life, and I'm still fighting to keep him 100% out of it months later, and I don't even like the guy... I can't imagine the war you're going through right now. But, I do know, you are worth so much more than his abuse. He may think he loves you, but he has a fucked up definition of love.

    True love casts out fear.

    One thing I would suggest (assuming you are interested) is to examine yourself. What if you do find someone who you share an even stronger love with? And what if he's amazing and not-abusive? Have you taken bad habits from this abusive relationship with you? Are you someone who will be patient, forgiving, and nurturing? It's hard to be any of those things when you are abused because you were in survivor mode before, protecting yourself.

    The best way to strengthen those qualities is to be around people who are already strong in those areas, people who can help you and support you--and to stay far away from abuser. It's a sick cycle... one of the hardest things to remove yourself from... but you're still here, breathing. You can do it. You can be ok again. You can be happy without him. You can have a love stronger and better than you've even known before. Be strong. You are worth so much more than having someone who abuses you in your life.


  39. B (original poster)January 8, 2011 at 12:33 AM

    thanks trisha! the thing is i DID feel like i was a better person with him -- more patient, forgiving, nurturing.. being with him made me learn to respond with patience and kindness. i quickly learnt that anger isn't solved with anger, but with gentleness. i also grew to understand that the anger was just because he hurt so much, and he only hurt so much because he loved so much. & i believe no one can fault him for that. loving, that is.

    the anger is the real problem, & his irrational fear that i am doing something wrong. when i look at the situation, these 2 core issues are what i see. i believe he can be taught to control these feelings. but no one seems interested in giving him the chance. :\

    my parents are totally against us, & are threatening to press charges which would pretty much ruin his future. they tell me to stay away from him for my own good. but he wants me, & i want him. flaws & all -- i love EVERYTHING about him. the highs & lows, the bitter & sweet. i hold every imperfection dearly in my heart. i don't know what the fuck to do. :(

  40. you sound like you have poor self esteem. your parents are at the point of pressing charges-it sounds pretty severe, so why would you stay with him?

  41. I understand your feelings. No one can really understand unless they have been there...or are there. Despite the awful things about him (the anger & the constant distrust in you) you still love the person he is. And the person he is encompasses not only the good...but the bad & the ugly.

    This situation isn't one that is easy. & it's not a situation that you will listen to anyone's advice on. You are going to do what you WANT to do..what makes you happy.

    The tough part is deciding if you are truly happy with this person. Love is a big part..but you have to think of the big picture. Can you end up with him? Do you see yourself with a family? Is your future happy and bright together?

    One thing that keeps us in relationships like these is the challenge. When he's mad about something ridiculous it's like a challenge to get them to love you again. That's the best way I know how to describe it.

    No matter what choice you's yours and yours alone. No one knows what life is like when it's just the two of you. They may hear the bad situations because, at the time, you are angry & upset at the time and share those experiences. But no one really knows the entirety of your one but you & your boyfriend.

    I know what you're going through and to be honest-there is no right answer.

    You just have to stay strong in whatever you decide & what ever you feel is best for not only yourself, but your future family.

    I wish you the best.

  42. This has to be the most striking and astounding post I've ever read on le love. And the most scarily similar to my own life. I never thought someone would be in a situation so close to mine own a year ago.

    A relationship like that may seem perfect because the guy is so devoted, but when you become a guy's entire life, he will do horrible things to keep you in it.

    'My stalking killer' is such an accurate title. It hurts to fear someone you once trusted your safety with. Its been a year and I still always look over my shoulder.

    Sometimes being strong means doing the thing that hurts the most. Amazingly written. I hope the best for you. Don't let one abusive relationship taint your views on men and love.

  43. B,

    I read this and it was like I wrote it three years ago. It's scary I can mirror almost 100% of my past relationship with everything you went through in your relationship. Our relationship was as passionate as it was toxic - and it took multitple breakups, makeups, breakups, hookups and him doing something so severe and unfixable for it to be FINAL. Pathetically, we tried being friends afterward, until I realized I needed to cut off all ties and permanently erased him out of my life. It was hard and it takes time and lots of support. Initially, you will feel a physical void, and it will hurt like a bitch. There is no getting around that. But within that pain, you learn. You learn to love yourself a little better. You learn what not to do and what you expect for yourself in your next relationship. You raise the bar a little higher. And you learn that the nagging empty hole in your stomach will eventually fill itself again. It's been three years and I'm in a healthier, more loving relationship and I can look back at my passionately toxic relationship with crazy boy who I was head over heels in love with and just smile. It has made me grow so much as a person. I've learned that passion is not love. Loving someone and being obsessed with them are two different things. Placing restrictions and controlling your partner, raging jealous wars, verbal assaults in the name of love, is not love. Love is simply giving another person your best and learning how to control your demons and these tendencies and protecting them from it.

    I hope in a couple years, you can look back at this relationship and understand that leaving was the best thing you ever did for yourself. It's cliche to say, but everything does happen for a reason.

    Wishing you all the best,


  44. OH MY GOD I CRIED SO MUCH WHEN I READ THIS ITS BECAUSE MY BOY AND ARE ARE GOING THROUGH THE EXACT SAME THING. Down to every last detail. like the "dressing" part and "cancelling social events to choose him" and the violence and everything. but underneath all that insecurities is a really loving angel, so dedicated and in love with me. Im at lost of what to do. Its miraculous how easily I could connect with you even though we might be across the globe.


  45. I consider everyone must read this.

  46. Wow it's hard because it's something that had be built with time and it just ended so suddenly, in any case it's never expected , but as a part of life we have to deal with it, even if you are the one who made the choice, you never expect or even believe that you are deciding something like that. I have to get over this and you will be with time, remember that life will knock us down many times, good luck.

  47. Well, I do not really believe this will have success.

  48. This will not really have effect, I consider like this.

  49. When I read your post I almost had tears. I can relate to this so much. I feel like I've gone through the very same thing. Keep in mind that real love is based in respect, trust and loyalty toward each other; if one is missing, the relationship will be dysfunctional and it will never work. If he truly loves you, he would have never hurt you emotionally and/ or physically. If he has abused you either way, things will only get worse. I didn’t accept advice from anyone for years, thinking that things were going to eventually change, but it never does. Accept the reality and you will start noticing the gravity of the situation … which apparently has happened … be strong … at one point you are forced to move on. How old are you B?
    ... unfortunately, I don’t think that there is a definitive answer to this question though … we’re all different.

    ... but how do you get over someone whom you've planned the rest of your life with?


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