Wednesday, January 12, 2011

breaking the habit


weheartit

When you are in a relationship, you have a one-track mind: your boyfriend. When you break up, you have a one-track mind: your ex-boyfriend. At what point do you forget the past and start thinking only about ME? You don’t have to think about your past; you don’t have to think about what is gone; you don’t have to think about the love you are missing out on. It is better to be free than be enslaved by a tumultuous relationship; some love can’t be repaired. Yet after you are out of it, you don’t know how to be free. It is a paradox. You are too paralyzed to move because you are venturing into the unknown. Standing still is the initial reaction because you don’t know where else to go. You are abandoned in the blistering cold.

There is far too much life to live fully and alone to dwell on the what-if. Time quickly passes that you can never recover. I don’t want to live with regret. Dwelling and pitying has eaten a year of my life. A year. 365 days. I could have done a million things in a year, but I did nothing. Never again.

Selfishness is healthy. After a break-up, you absolutely must be selfish. You must immerse yourself in new experiences, activities, relationships to help create a new identity. All of the mental energy you possess must be devoted to repair and self-restoration. Nothing else. Otherwise your identity from the past remains your identity in the present. I don’t want to be the person I was in that relationship- I didn’t love myself. And I don’t love myself as long as I am still hung up on the devastation of it all. You must change EVERYTHING- experiment, risk, explore. Putting yourself out on a limb makes you stronger and more confident. Only you can change, there is nothing external that will initiate the process. I choose my thoughts; I choose my behaviors; I choose my proactivity. No one else can change these things. This is my biggest trap. I want some event to turn it all around, but this isn’t how it works. Change is a daily process- it is a lifestyle. Incremental, not overnight.

There is tremendous power in self-mastery; it is a journey I have been toying with for a long time, but have yet to aggressively pursue it. Old thoughts and habits inhibit my success, as I let them destroy all progress in one single swoop. I work so hard, yet give it all away because my mind convinces me I am not worth it. This is a habit, not who I am. I must rid myself of it. Only you can be your own biggest cheerleader- it’s not vain and conceited; it is a necessity. If you tell yourself something over and over, you eventually believe it; this is so true. Good mental health leads to good everything health.

Ridding yourself of the past is no different than ridding yourself of any kind of addiction. You simply can’t go back; not even one taste. It is an all or nothing. Letting your past creep in is dangerous because it can take over. You don’t have to let it control you; you just have to resist the urge to succumb to it. No pictures, no texts, no drunken calls. Nothing. He is dead to me. He is in a grave. It is time to climb out of the hole I’ve buried myself in along with him.

Life must move on. The world doesn’t stop spinning just because you can’t see the light of day. Life is waiting. Don’t miss out on it. Every second is a chance to be born again. Embrace the opportunities life has to offer- regret is probably more painful than heartache. You can love again, but you can’t live again.

Start living.

58 comments:

  1. This. Is. Beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is very inspiring. As someone who is still learning to let go of my ex, this is encouraging.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is so so so true! Explains getting over someone perfectly :) So beautiful

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is so true. The resolve you need to completely cut someone off, all or nothing. Be selfish, because if your partner isn't taking care of you, it's time you took care of yourself.

    I have been in a state of fluctuation, because she cannot make her mind up. This is what I needed to remind myself there is no point in waiting for someone who is willing to put me thru so much pain under of the guise of just "being friends".

    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Beautiful!! I really love this blog.

    http://loveisdeer.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. wow u really helped me.. thank u so much :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you.....I'm in the selfish/cut-myself-off phase now and its so encouraging to know that I'm doing the right think for me :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. this is just what i needed to read, thankyou so much.

    ReplyDelete
  9. yeah yeah. i have been doing a great job of making people think im moving on like its nothing. like it takes zero effort to live selfishly. and maybe to some people it does. i have been exploring, doing new things, not caring so much about what people think, getting out of my comfort zone to forget about him, but, lo and behold, he is still in my mind that little bastard. my computer is broken, got wiped out, and all of our pictures together are gone. will i ask for them back? nope. have i been doing all i can to move on? yep. am i in the mood for a real relationship again like we had? nope. i just feel like throwing myself to a guy, any guy because i know it will be a good long while until i find myself in a relationship like we had so why bother waiting? Ive done enough of that. so...im taking it easy, seeing whats out there, doing what I want to do, and enjoying myself for the most part. i miss you. dont forget that, though I doubt you will. move on, because i clearly am acting like i have.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is so true and great. Janis Joplin once said "Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got." It sounds harsh but I think it means you have to be your own biggest supporter.

    ReplyDelete
  11. So lovely written..just what I needed to hear/read.

    Selfishness is healthy. Thank you for letting me realize that today.

    <3

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you, I really needed it.
    Me & my ex-boyfriend, after 4 and a half years of a bad relationship, broke up in the new years. It is really painful, specially because I can't let him go.. I feel embaressed to not let him go, because I really love freedom and everything that surrounds it.. But, the damn thought of him with somebody else kills me.
    Today we saw each other again, like a revival... It was perfect! He cooked to me, we watched some funny movies and we were just perfect for each other. Then, he left me at home and the reality strikes again: he told me it meant something to him, but he needs to be single now, he needs his own time. He's always cold when we are talking about us, maybe some way to protect himself, I'm not sure..
    But, I still don't know what to do.
    To start dating again is so painfull! Everything reminds me of him and I still can't forget him..

    And.... This post was just a light in the end of the tunnel to me!! I'm absolutely delighted by the inspiration it gave me!
    I just needed this..
    Thank you, that's all I can say! Thank you so much!!
    I'll try as hard as I can to put this through!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Kudos, both for yourself and for writing this in the fashion you did, to help people. Kudos to the people this helps. I feel for all of you. I'm one of you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. please write a book! this is exactly what i was trying to tell my sister when she broke up from her relationship she was in for for 7 years! this is amazingggg
    cheers girl

    ReplyDelete
  15. i love your article and i just had my break and this really helps me a lot...more power to you! :)..you just put a smile on my face..

    ReplyDelete
  16. "No pictures, no texts, no drunken calls" <-- when i read this, i started to cry. beautiful text, i'll read it again and again, because i hope it will help me to start living again. thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. i love this. i really needed this.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Wow I cannot say thank you enough for posting this. I feel like this is very similar to my situation. It has been a year now, and I have felt like I have lived this past year half alive. Thank you for inspiring me to keep living! Good for you!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Love this. Needed this. Inspired by this. Especially "You can love again, but you can’t live again.

    Start living."

    Words to live by. Here's to my new beginning. Here's to yours. Here's to ours.

    ReplyDelete
  20. This is exactly what I needed.
    I've broke up with my boyfriend (my decision!) 2 months ago, but my suffering if from another guy. My friend. My best friend.
    I read this comment here and it fits perfectly tomy situation: "I have been in a state of fluctuation, because she cannot make her mind up. This is what I needed to remind myself there is no point in waiting for someone who is willing to put me thru so much pain under of the guise of just "being friends"."

    This was really helpful!

    Thank you so much!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. TOO GOOD, ESPECIALLY I LOVE THE LINES ''Life must move on. The world doesn’t stop spinning just because you can’t see the light of day''.

    I AM WRITING A BLOG, DO CHECK IT, IF U LIKE IT THEN BE MY FOLLOWER. www.defectiveseven.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  22. Love this blog much. But, somehow I love myself loving her.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I love the power in this. In you.

    ReplyDelete
  24. thank you for this.

    ReplyDelete
  25. You're really onto something. After a heartbreak you must fight to get back up.

    ReplyDelete
  26. One of the best posts I've read here. You have to get up again & return to living! Letting go was the best thing I ever did! Returning is the best feeling ever!! =)

    Melanie's Randomness

    ReplyDelete
  27. thank you for posting this. it's exactly what I need.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Inspiring! Thank you for posting! Love!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Reading this just stopped my spiralling depression at finding out about my ex's (of 9 months who I was still devastated about) new girl!

    Life is way too short and precious to waste another moment over something I will never recover, nor should want too

    Seriously, Thankyou xxx

    ReplyDelete
  30. wow, so beautifully written.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Very well written! Thanks for this post.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I have to thank you. too.

    Thank you so much for writing this. I devoted my self and 3 years for a boy. He wasn't that good for me. It was like a destructive love.

    After I got back my vision, because love makes you blind. I decided that it was enough.

    Now I am trying, so badly, so desperately to forget him. To forget the memories, everything. But its painful. It hurts that I can't call him when I feel like it. It hurt to say his name, and it even hurts to not text him.

    When I read "No pictures, no texts, no drunken calls"...
    You touched my heart. Because I called him yesterday, drunk. Then I started to cry. And today I just regret it.

    I am going to read your article every time I feel like calling him, or seeing him or send him a text. And then I'll learn. hopefully

    So thank YOU, so much!

    ps: I get out - Lauryn Hill is a great song that really makes you wanna forget your x.

    :*

    ReplyDelete
  33. this is wonderful. something i'd read every morning. thanks :)

    ReplyDelete
  34. A life without LOVE is like heaven without ANGELS ~ EuphoriaDan http://www.lifecoachsamurai.com At a young age I was taught a simple though proven very valuable lesson. One Sunday morning I was riding in the truck, headed for the beach with my father after a small insignificant family dispute. Dad needed to get out of the house and me, well i just loved the surf. Being young and not understanding why adults always argued amongst eachother I could’nt help but ask. “Dad why are you and mum fighting?” His reply -
    “Son. Relationships are one of the toughtest things you’ll face in life, but they’re built with love and love we cannot live without.”

    ReplyDelete
  35. This is extremely well put and beautifully written. I would love to share your advice with everyone. I never thought I was the type to become completely consumed by love. I've been single for a great deal of my life, so I thought that i had built a solid, self-loving foundation, that would only grow from relationships-weather positive or negative in outcome. It wasn't until a few overly intense relationships, that i found out what it was like to really lose myself. I didn't realize how devastating breakups could be. Who knew that someone you idealized and looked so forward to seeing each time, would end up hurting you the most. Its difficult to understand the concept of loving someone who in return only views you as a minor character in their life. Trying to get over a breakup is similar to battling with an addiction. The pain and the yearning never really goes away, but its something we must work at every day and things gradually start to get easier if we do. But if we stop working at it and give it, it can spiral into nothing but destruction. Its not to say that we should be afraid to love, but we must remember to never lose sight of ourselves in the process.

    ReplyDelete
  36. ps.
    http://www.modemangemusique.blogspot.com
    x mc

    ReplyDelete
  37. Beautifully written!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  38. did you type this yourself or was it taken from a BOOK?

    ReplyDelete
  39. Simplemente ME ENCANTA. amo esta nota. me a ayudado a juntar mucho mas fuerzas para olvidar el pasado, ese pasado que tan solo hiere y lastima pero no mata.

    gracias ♥

    ReplyDelete
  40. Love it. So inspiring. And not because I can relate to the ex-boyfriend part but because I too am trying to just start living, to bring change into my life. So motivational!

    ReplyDelete
  41. I am so very proud of you. 'To Women In Power!' iheartit, too. :)

    ReplyDelete
  42. Wow! If more people could actually think this way, we would be powerful and happy. Content and self aware. You cannot just act differently. It's a complete change of the thinking. A change of our personal inner-being thoughts. What you don't say. I love this post. I can relate to all of the feelings and soul searching that is taking place. The one thing that I cannot agree with is the phrase 'he is dead to me.' He, whoever he may be, has caused you to change to this self aware beautiful person. The past is and will all be a part of you. Instead of you saying 'he is dead to me,' I just wish you could have said thank you to him. Thank him for creating this immense sense of wanting to change you to a better person. No matter the struggles, heartbreaks, let-downs, tears, BS that he put you through....in all reality you allowed it. And this is a good thing! Look at what you are saying, look at the impact you are making on people who read this. Thank him for the past. It has made you who you are. And that is an obvious beautiful soul searching honorable person! No matter if he is dead literally, his interactions with you have created a light in your eyes and soul. I am in a similar boat and currently working hard to try and change my inner thoughts about what I deserve, and who I really am. You are awesome and keep the hope. That's all I have ever lived by, Hope. I have lost it recently, but I am finding it again! Keep your chin up, but not too high, smile, find the beauty in everything and every situation. Breathe a sigh of relief and allow the goose bumps when that fresh air hits your soul and body. On another note, want to be my friend? Lol. If we could put our journey on living this one life in happiness together, we could inspire more people like us. You, I, and everyone in this world were put on the earth for this one life for one reason, and that is to be happy. Again, you are awesome and have a powerful voice! Rock on!
    ~Brittany

    ReplyDelete
  43. love who you write. just wonderful

    ReplyDelete
  44. You just put my entire life dilemma into beautiful words! WOW! I'm your new biggest fan. Peace&Love.

    pickingwildflowersblog.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  45. This is fantastic. You don't know the extent to which you've helped me.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Finally someone who awakens you from the bed one has tied themself to. Finally someone who speaks the truth. You have done a great deal and more than almost anyone who has spilled out their heartache on this blog. This is what we need, positive thinking my friends. Don't dwell on the past. The thing is we only live now. This is it. One always thinks the past was better and that the future will bring us happiness but we can only be in the present. Time to become ourselves again.
    Thank you so much.

    ReplyDelete
  47. This is beautiful. We need to be selfish sometimes. "you can love again, but you can't live again" beautiful. thankyou :)

    ReplyDelete
  48. Really effective material, thanks so much for the post.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Goodness, there's so much effective information here!

    ReplyDelete
  50. This blog should be filled with more texts like this one!
    I agree please write a book about this. It's so helpful, love it!

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...