Monday, February 28, 2011

i love your smile

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unknown + weheartit

Sunday, February 27, 2011

and i wonder, do you remember me after all this time?

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unknown

We grew up in the same neighborhood. We never hung out because our neighborhood groups never seemed to come together. I only knew you as one of the neighborhood boys. It wasn’t until high school that the way I saw you changed. I was a sophomore and you were a senior. I don’t know what it was. Your height? You always towered over everyone. Or how quiet you seemed when you were hanging out with your friends during break? I used to make my group of friends stand near your group, that way I could sneak glances at you. But I wasn't slick. You’d catch me staring and when our eyes would meet, my heart would skip a beat and my cheeks would burn. Then after months of always staring from a distance, I was in desperate need of a ride home because my sister had to go to ballet practice and I didn’t know which school bus went to my neighborhood. So, you offered. And the whole ride there, I stared out the window, paralyzed with fear. Fear of how I felt. Fear of saying something utterly ridiculous and ruining any tiny chance I had for you to notice me as more than that girl who lives in the same neighborhood. You asked me vague questions. Isn't your sister _____? What kind of music do you like? Is this radio station okay? When you dropped me off at my house, I quickly said 'thank you' and ran inside. We never talked again after that. Never acknowledged each other in the hallways or at break. It was like it never happened. But my feelings still remained.

You and my best friend had the same class. I would wait for her to get out so we could go to our next class together. I would make sure I never looked your way because I didn't want you to think I was waiting there because of you. One day, I was waiting and suddenly my best friend comes running out of class, grabs me and drags me away from everybody. She tells me that she has something to tell me but I can't freak out. At this point, I assume the worse. You know and you've told everybody that I'm a pathetic lower classmen who's in love with you. Was I that obvious? But my best friend tells me to relax; the news is good. She tells me you came up to her in class and asked about me. Were her and I best friends? Was I cool? What was I like? Did I have a boyfriend? I don't know how I didn't just drop dead right then and there and float off to heaven after hearing that.

I started noticing you notice me. I'd catch you staring at me more than you'd catch me staring at you. But still, I never did anything. And you never did anything. I was sure you asking about me meant there was some interest. I'd dream that one day you were going to come up to me in school, in front of everyone, and ask me out. Or you'd ring my doorbell and be there on my porch. It neared the end of the school year and I'd try desperately to muster any courage to talk to you but I couldn't. I was sixteen, not confident, and utterly in to you. I didn't want any other guy, period. Essentially, you were my Jake Ryan and I was Molly Ringwald, pining for you.

You graduated and I never saw you again. It's been 8 years and I still think about you. Sometimes I think I'm crazy to hold on to my feelings for you. When it comes down to it, I don't even know you. We talked once in all the years of existing around each other. So why do I still want you? Why do I still want to get to know you? Is it because there's the possibility of 'what if'? Is it because you're a fantasy I can sometimes revert to when I'm feeling sad and lonely? You have a hold on me that I've tried shaking for years.

And I wonder, do you remember me after all this time?

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Thursday, February 24, 2011

is it too late for me?

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unknown

I've always been a free spirit. I am constantly looking for something fun and new. If I get bored or restricted, I run. I've never thought of myself as a slut/whore, but someone who likes to do what they want when they want with who they want. I rarely think about the consequences and like to go with what I feel at the time. I never go out looking for trouble, but trouble always seems to find me, and trouble always comes in the form of a boy. I have no problems attracting attention from the opposite sex. It's just that it's never the "right" attention. A typical night out would be my friends and I at a bar/club and a cute boy buying me drinks and dancing with me. For me, it's all about chemistry. It's either there or it's not. Unfortunately, the initial spark between myself and a male always just leads to sex and nothing more.

Looking back, I have been with many guys and unfortunately none of them have been meaningful. I never have usually hooked up with anyone for more than a month or so. When I do develop feelings, I try my best to hide them in fear of being rejected (because most guys don't want relationships). I have been told by several guys that I've been with that they like me because I'm a girl who just "likes to have fun." I am a fun and easy going person and that's what people like about me, but does this mean that I can't be in a relationship?

I am scared that I will never love or truly be loved. I have been in one relationship where I hurt my boyfriend of the time very badly. Perhaps this is karma. I was young, stupid, and selfish. I just turned 23. Recently, I have been feeling more alone than ever. I have great girl friends, but none of them seem to really understand what I feel. Guys that I'm attracted to and who I also in turn attract are always those who are never emotionally available. One guy that I was hooking up with for awhile that I started developing feelings for a couple years ago even told me that I am not "girlfriend material."

Perhaps I am evolving and I do want something more stable, because I've never been a part of something real. I know I stopped myself before from liking/loving someone because I have a fear of them leaving me or hurting me, but now I am even open to that possibility. Is it too late for me? Everyone already sees me as "the fun girl" so how do I change? How do I attract the right type of guys who are willing to love me for me?

-E

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

&hearts love is love ♥

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unknown

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

how do you stop punishing yourself

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weheartit

We've all been hurt. i'm just like everyone else. typical story of girl meets guy they get on amazingly. Guy has girlfriend, Guy cheats on Girlfriend with girl.
Girl and guy become best friends. Girl falls in love with guy. Guy promises to leave girlfriend for girl but it's all false promises. Girl gets hurt.

This happened to me. But i don't want to talk about that. I'm over him. What i want to know, now that i'm over him when do i get over what he did to me?

It's almost been a year now. a since i stopped thinking about the guy, josh. Its been almost a year since i met sam.

I met Sam one night through a friend, we spent the whole night together, drinking, laughing the usual. He was clear from the start, he didn't 'do' relationships.
I was ok with this. I still wanted Josh but it was becoming clearer and clearer as our friendship was fading more and more that it was never going to happen.
This continued to hurt, so i thought why not have some fun on the side with sam.

As i got to know Sam, we became closer and closer. We spent some amazing nights together, some full of passion and some where we would spend hours talking
and getting to know each other. I was growing to really like Sam and Josh barely ever thought about.

Sam and i talked about past relationships, he had no shame in telling me about how he's cheated and doesn't like being tied down.

I fell in love with Sam. By this point it'd already been admitted that he was in love with me and was just waiting for me to reciprocate the feeling before we
considered a relationship.

It was only about 2 months ago that i realised how much i loved Sam. It was the scariest relisation of my entire life. The only person i had ever loved like this was Josh
and that truly destroyed me, i never realised just how much until now.

Before i explain, i just want you to know that i know how utterly ridiculous i'm being but i just can't help it.

I simply cannot trust sam. and it's hurting me, not him, me. I keeping waiting for him to turn around and realise he doesn't want me, the same way josh did.

After we hang out i keep thinking, that's it we're over or we wont talk for months because that's how josh always treated me.

If Sam does anything slightly wrong, I get so emotional, i believe that its over and he's deliberately trying to hurt me and i sometimes cry for hours, over something which
turns out to be absolutely nothing. It's all because of josh, because i showed him everything and if he didn't like it and could discard it so easily why would anybody else want me.

This isn't meant to be a self pity story. i just want to know how do you stop punishing yourself, for what someone did to you?

Monday, February 21, 2011

you are lovely


icanread

Sunday, February 20, 2011

an alarming unhappiness


unknown

It started out as a fairytale. Even in hindsight, I won't deny that. We met online, though we were three thousand miles away, and tried to pretend we were just friends, but soon we were falling. I had started talking to him just two months before I was to head off to France for a seven-month contract, but I was starting to fall in love with him and the way he told me I was beautiful and that he loved talking about language with me; I wanted only him forever. I told him I liked him and I insisted that he either tell me his true feelings or lie and say I was disgusting and that he'd never want to be with me, because that would make it so much easier to get over him.

But he decided to tell the truth, even though he had just gotten over a big breakup - one that to this day he's not over - and of all fortuitous chances, I had a layover on my way to France in an airport four hours' drive away from him. He knew, and I wondered if he would come. I spent that first flight agonizing over the uncertainty, but giddy with a degree of sureness that he would be there.

And he was.

I lugged my bags and my guitar to the front of the airport, where he was waiting, for the hour-long layover I had between flights. His whole body was shaking, and he held my hand, leading me to a sunlit, secluded alcove under a big escalator where he laid down a blanket and gestured to the picnic he brought. He told me how much he liked me, and how much he would have regretted it if he hadn't come to meet me for the first time in person when he had the chance. I played him the song I had secretly written for him on my guitar, right there in the airport, with my back to the rest of the travelers, not even meeting his eyes because I didn't know how any of this worked.

He gave me my first kiss and waved to me as I re-entered security and made my flight just in time. That flight across the ocean really felt like I was flying, like I had sprouted wings and was high on the excitement of being wanted and feeling the potential of this perfect relationship whose start was so beautifully fresh. Then I was in France, and we talked every day online, he was charming and kind and supportive, and everyone I met was wowed by the romance of our story. Our story, I thought. I would tell it to people for the rest of our lives and it would be the sign that it was meant to be from the start. Imagine - my first love, this perfect!

He even came to visit me for a month over the winter holidays, three months after the airport. We overcame so many challenges in that brief period - my hostile roommate kicking us to the curb and leaving us to fend for ourselves, dirty replacement accommodations without heating or a functional bed frame, more rude people than I can count, the utterly insulting high prices of everything in Paris, my trip to the emergency room for a bad cut on broken glass... We survived all this, and he made me love him so much through it all. He was there for me every second, and I was grateful for that but also felt so guilty to be dragging him through my crazy life.

The day before he left, I said what I had been wanting to say for months. I said what he later told me he's not sure he can ever say to me. I don't regret it, because it's how I felt and how I still feel. Every good memory we had made during his stay - wandering Montmartre, kissing in the metro station, him lifting me up in the kitchen and smiling warmly at me, every ounce of desire he had for me that I returned - all those good things made me overlook the bad. But everything changed after that day, after that sunny morning on the mattress of the borrowed room we were in, when I told him I loved him as my heart raced and I lay pressed against him. Whether all the changes were due to my words or simply happenstance, I don't know.

But I cried so much after he left, I felt as if he had died or left me. He had a new job back home that left him no time or energy to keep in touch with me, and I felt completely alone. I moved into a new place, since I had been kicked out of the old one during his stay, and although everything there was good, great even, I couldn't feel relieved. I felt empty without him, and emptier still after realizing that I'd spent an entire month neglecting my own well-being while I tried to keep the two of us afloat in a country where he didn't know the language and didn't have the financial resources to help me out when I was in need. The good memories helped me remember how much I cared for him, and I tried to keep him aware of my affection by sending emails and offline messages, because we talked so infrequently.

I even came back to America for a little while, and we were able to talk on the phone again. But he was never the one to call, he felt too stressed about my being upset and my wanting to talk about the relationship and the need I have for there to be an end date for the long-distance part of all this (which there still isn't). And in his indifference, his unwillingness to take five minutes to send me an email or call to say goodnight, I have gained perspective. All the hurtful things he said without thinking, all the discrepancies between our needs and personal interests... And then he managed to say the thing that has been stewing painfully in my heart for the past four days: the crushing confession that he might not ever be able to love me.

I blame his ex-girlfriend. I blame his upbringing. I blame so much, and I had resolved this year to eliminate blame from my life. But the way he is, is not good for me. It's maintaining an alarming unhappiness in me that I need to get away from to feel whole again. Ending this will break my heart, and his too if I'm to believe him. The fairytale was so promising, so beautiful, so achingly beautiful that I don't want to give it up. Neither of us realized in the beginning that we were fools to think this would work. We gave it up by starting it in the first place.

A

Saturday, February 19, 2011

you and me, everyday.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

i want us back


weheartit

You know there's not really much anyone can say... I've heard all the typical things you would say to someone- "it gets better", "give it time", "you deserve better" etc... To be honest nothing helps. Even if it's happened to you, we can't compare ourselves. Love between two people is different, so heart break between two people is different. How it feels to you is different. It's been a month and my wound still feels fresh, it still feels like i have a gaping hole in my chest. I still think about him everyday, every minute, every second and the scary thing is I actually believe that I will never get over him. He is and will always will be my first love, the one i fell so hard for I lost myself in the process and rotated my life around his.

I met him almost 3 years ago, we were an awful set up by two of our friends in an attempt to find me- the sad lonely one- a boy. He didn't seem like anything special and to be honest I wasn't looking for him to be anything other than my first kiss. At 15 I wasn't looking for anything else. I remember that night very clearly, the awkward eye contact and avoidance... but what i remember the most was the feeling that he was different than anyone I'd met before. For awhile after that night we talked, got to know each other, became more than friends, but being 15 and so naive our 'relationship' wasn't real. We broke up and didn't talk for 5 months. What he doesn't know is that I can remember every single time in those 5 months I saw him, I wasn't over him but I wasn't about to let him know that, so I pretended to live my life. The next time we talked to each other would be at a friends party and from then on, he was about to be everything to me.

I fell in love with him. I didn't even know what love was but I think I figured it out, that feeling took me awhile to name but I felt it.I still do. We shared everything, we shared the best parts of our teenage years, and now being forced into adulthood we've changed. He doesn't want me anymore, he said he needs to figure out who he is and I'm stopping him. I've blamed myself, i still do. I'm full of so much regret and guilt and it never goes away. We're still 'friends', we talk and I'm not going to lie and say we haven't had those nights before. The sad thing is I still love him and although i know you're supposed to distance yourself to try to move on, I can't, I'm holding on to him with everything i have. Our relationship lasted almost two years, but what we had, I know it will never leave me.You can call me naive and too young but to me love doesn't have an age restriction. I'm not over it, I don't know if I will be.

I just miss him so much, i miss everything. I hurt all the time, I break all the time, I want him all the time. He left me an empty shell, wounding me so much I physically hurt.I'm not sure what to do anymore. I lie in bed for hours just thinking, just hurting. I want him back. I want us back.

Teddy, i miss you.

-K

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

you have no idea...



unknown

Monday, February 14, 2011

happy valentine's day



I've always hated Valentine's Day. It seems senseless to me to have a day devoted to making singles feel lonely, and couples feel obligated to buy each other chocolates and say I love you. I figured this Valentine's Day would be the same. A skype date from Connecticut to Virginia over bad internet connections. He surprised me though. He changed my conception of Valentine's Day, and love, and grand gestures. The kind that I was positive only really existed in cheesy chick flicks. You see, the only thing I ever really fell in love with before him was the city of Paris. Without speaking a word of French, he posted to Craigslist a call to the romantics of Paris. He enlisted two French women to place locks on Pont des Arts, the bridge of love locks, where I had put a lock with my friends a year ago. These women had no idea who he was, but they believe in the power of love, and a good love story. Each one went and bought a lock, wrote our initials in a heart, and threw the key into the Seine, documenting it with pictures. All they asked for in return was to be invited to our wedding, one day in the future. Apparently true, crazy, I would do anything to see you smile kind of love really does exist. Happy Valentine's Day.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

super sweet + kindhearted breakfast-in-bed grilled cheese




"let's talk about this super sweet and kindhearted breakfast-in-bed grilled cheese that won't stand you up on a Friday night I'm making for you and your lovie." - MacKenzie of GCS

My good friend MacKenzie runs GRILLED CHEESE SOCIAL + made this super special grilled cheese just in time for valentine's day!!! Head on over to GCS for the yummy recipe + make sure to check out her other AMAZING grilled cheese sandwiches, as well as her sassy commentary ♥

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Friday, February 11, 2011

♥ David Yurman / Valentine's Day ♥


ph: dueto variavel

it's the last day of the DAVID YURMAN valentine’s day facebook contest!
go enter to win two fab pieces of DY jewelry before it's too late!!

to enter...
  • head to the DY facebook page- HERE
  • upload your favorite original romantic picture
  • spread the word + get your friends/loved ones to vote for your picture!
tomorrow, DAVID will pick the winner from the top 10 with the most votes.
make sure to check out all the submissions!

-click HERE to enter-

good luck!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

if he doesn't want me in his life, then I don't need him in my world


weheartit

I met him at a language course in my country. He seemed like an interesting man. We were seating next to each other and worked together. I slowly started liking him. Than I was told he was 29... and I was 18. But this age difference didn't stop me from liking him. I liked him even more.

We were always laughing, talking about everything. Than we started going out like friends. His company was the only one I loved. I already knew that I was in love with him. He, on the other side, wasn't. I used all of my woman powers to make him fall for me. Sometimes he acted like he was in love with me, other times he acted like an older friend who helps me out. I couldn't understand what was going on in his mind. And I was too afraid to tell him about my feelings.

Time passed and we were still just friends. But than (after a year) he suddenly told me "I think I like you". My mind was showing me a perfect picture - me and him in a beautiful world of love, butterflies and pink clouds. We started dating. But something was going wrong. We didn't have time for each other and we were fighting because of that. I decided it was better if we broke up. He told me "if it's ok with you, let's get back to the friendship we had" and of course I said "ok". And everything seemed back to its normal self. We were hanging out, talking about everything in the world, he was calling me his little genius again and I was happy being able to be with him that way.

But then he suddenly disappeared. I couldn't find him anywhere - he didn't answer his phone, he was never online in skype or facebook, his home was empty. It was like he was dead. The first month I was afraid that something might have happened with him. Then I got used to it - he wasn't in my life anymore. 3 months passed and I still didn't hear anything from him. Then one day I was walking down the street and I saw him. He was coming to me. I was so happy that he was alive and healthy. As he came nearer I smiled at him and he smiled back, but than he passed me by and didn't say a word, as if he was just a stranger. I couldn't understand what was going on. Why was he doing this to me? After that, I saw him a couple of times, but from far away, so I couldn't get to ask him what happened.

But the next time I saw him, I got the answer. I was clothes shopping and on the other side of the line with the clothes was a woman. She was pregnant. I smiled and looked at the shirt I liked again. Than I heard a familiar voice: "Hey, honey, what did you pick... oh that's a nice sweater! It will keep you two warm". I looked at the man saying that and it was HIM! I couldn't believe what I saw... I was so hurt. I never imagined that this will happen to me!

Now, I am fine. I decided that if he doesn't want me in his life, then I don't need him in my world as well. First I wanted to forget about him, but then I decided that I will keep the wonderful moments we had locked up in my heart. When I need it, I will unlock them and remember what we used to have, but than I will keep them locked up nice and save in my heart again and never think about him.

i love love



unknown

♥ David Yurman / Valentine's Day ♥


ph: charlie engman

it's day 4 of the DAVID YURMAN valentine’s day facebook contest!
have you entered yet to win two amaze pieces of jewelry?!
to enter...
  • head to the DY facebook page- HERE
  • upload your favorite original romantic picture
  • spread the word + get your friends/loved ones to vote for your picture!
this friday, DAVID will pick the winner from the top 10 with the most votes.
make sure to check out all the submissions!

-click HERE to enter-

good luck!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

dare to tell that special someone how you feel


antique soldiers

Dear le love,

I used to follow your blog for a long time but like 8 months ago or so I had to stop because it became too painful to read about all those heartbreaking stories when I couldn’t stop thinking about the so-called love story I found myself in. But I came back here, and now I want to tell you my story.

I used to think that it was a story about a naive girl with dreams too big for the world she lived in, with illusions, fantasies, you name it. Mostly a story about tears and self-loathing. About that one big thing you only get once and a feeling you never rediscover once it’s lost. But I didn’t lose it, and it turned out to be so much more than this. It’s also a story about happiness in its purest strongest form and the story about how I met the love of my life. I always knew he was. The story is quite long, but I hope you’ll be patient. It means so much to me.

To be honest, I didn’t really tell people about it at first. I have always been a girl with my head in the clouds, I’m overemotional most of the time and my dreams are probably bigger than the world we live in. It started about 1,5 years ago in July. To put it short, my best friend had just turned 20 and we spent an amazing evening celebrating her with picnics in a park and afterward we went out clubbing. We left the place quite early, before closing at least, and went to the train station to wait for the cabs that were to take us to my friends place. But it was a summer night, do I need say more? I never wanted to go home, for me the night was young and I wanted to live it as long as possible. My party mode was definitely on. So while we waited outside the station I listened to my favorite musician, on my phone, jumping around more or less hysterical over his awesomeness. Then all of a sudden I hear this voice from somewhere screaming his name. I got extremely happy and excited feeling that I had found a fellow fan so I screamed “yeeees” and ran over there. There stood this guy, we can call him Z, who was on his way from a party to another one and the first thing we did was to unite ourselves in a hug of mutual understanding and we immediately started to talk about this fav musician of mine and how awesome his music is. The music discussion went on and we discovered that we had the same favorite songs and liked the same bands. So we were quite hysterical and all happy, I gave him my cider and I wanted to come with him to the party he was going to but the other girls probably thought it was a bit inappropriate and wanted me to get with them in the cab. We stood there listening to music until the cab arrived.

After this we became friends on facebook and talked quite a lot. The reason that I didn’t talk that much about it with my friends back then was that I felt embarrassed. Embarrassed that I at such an early stage felt that I had this great amazing connection with a person I met for less than an hour at a train station, a single time. But we stayed in touch and I guess we both felt that we were very much alike and understood each other. I was interested in him the whole time. I couldn’t help myself. I kept thinking that somehow somewhere I’m meant to be with this person, regardless of how silly it may sound. That’s just the way it is. But I never dared to tell him how I felt since I was convinced that he just wanted us to be friends, that I was acting silly, felt too much as always and were imagining that things and feelings that didn’t exist were actually there. But probably most of all because I was so afraid, no terrified, that I’d scare him and lose what little I had of him in my life. So I never told him, just kept getting extremely happy every time I saw his name or heard a song with my fav singer ‘cause it always made me think of him.
Since I believed that there was no chance that I’d get to be with him I tried to change focus and meet others, mostly to forget. I can’t put down in words how much I cried those months, that year. Kept thinking that maybe it was like they were singing in our common favorite song with Broder Daniel that “there’s no time for us”.

I met another guy in November and we became a couple. Sure, I cared for him, I did, but I wasn’t even close to as hysterical that I’m usually like when I’m in love. I really wanted it to work and be real, but there was always something missing, even though I tried to ignore it and didn’t want to admit it. Besides, things didn’t get better as he treated me really bad and cheated on me. On the other hand, I couldn’t stop thinking about Z either. I hardly remember feeling as bad as I did between December and May. It was an awful time. At a pre-party we started to text each other and he called me. It was insane. Insane that it can be so easy to talk to a person you hardly know and that you despite this feel as if you know each other so darn well. Without having spoken about certain things it still feels like we’re so alike that it’s almost frightening and understand each other completely. He makes me smile and we talked for at least an hour or so before I had to return to my friends and entertain them. And I guess that there’s something seriously wrong when a person you categorize as a friend makes you a thousand, no a zillion, times more happy than the person that’s supposed to be your loved one. Ohwell. . .

Sometime during that early spring he got a girlfriend. I knew that I couldn’t officially care since I was still in my crappy relationship but ohmyfuckinggod how much it hurt. I couldn’t grasp it really. And yet, I was truly happy for him. Because if I ever wanted and want something it’s for him to be happy. Even if it means that he’s with someone else but me. It sounds silly and cliché, I know, but that’s exactly how it was. For a time that followed we had less and less contact, but at times those happy text messages showed up and made my day every single time, nothing made me smile as much as they did. During summer our contact got more intense, but there was never anything inappropriate about it really.

Still. Maybe one should start to question if there’s something there if you repeatedly text the same person every time you’re drunk or a little less sober or if you fast skip by certain songs every time you hear them because they, for various reasons, are too painful to listen to. So yeah, our contact was much less frequent but it never ceased. I was never able to get over him, to forget him. It sounds all cheesy but I thought of him several days a week, not to say daily. I mean, I hear those songs with my favorite musician quite often you know. And all of a sudden it had been a year since we met, that single time. Things had their usual way, it continued with text messages from parties, the usual common hysteria over awesome music and amazing concerts, quotes, lyrics, you know. In August I was suddenly single again. I probably sound bitter when I say it, but ending that relationship was the best thing we ever did since we became a couple. Afterward I realized that my old boyfriend made me feel bad most of the time and that’s not what love is supposed to be about. I want, and have always wanted, the real thing.

One night in August we abandoned the text messages and he called me. When I saw his name flash by on my phone display my heart beat so fast that I wondered whether it would stop or not. The chock, and I can’t describe how happy I felt. It’s probably one of the best phone calls I’ve ever had. His disturbingly pretty accent and our fav singer playing in the background; “We listened to Håkan, and it made me think of you”. He played our favorite song for me, Nu kan du få mig så lätt (which is Swedish and basically means If you want me, now you can have me so easily). & we talked about almost everything. Love. Relationships, being overemotional. Obviously about music. And we talked about that as well - that it’s sick how you can feel such a magic connection with a person you’ve only met once. How stupid you feel when you feel that way, even though you can’t do anything about it. He also said that there’s a lot of people you only meet once, but most times you lose contact when it’s been a while, that it usually doesn’t feel as important to stay in touch as it does now. That some things time can heal. Others not. We talked about fear and expectations, the fear that the other person has built up huge expectations that doesn’t correspond with reality. The feeling that you really want to find out, but at the same time are terrified to do so. He wanted me to know that he didn’t forget about me.

Still, I couldn’t imagine that he felt the same way I did. Funny thing was though, that during our conversation that lasted more than an hour no awkward silences interrupted us and it felt as if we were able to talk more and about more important things than me and my old boyfriend had done in eight months.

After this, the drunk conversations started to occur every weekend. Sometimes both Friday and Saturday and never less than an hour, often two or three. It was the highlight of my week. As time passed we dared to become more and more honest .. The last weekend in August was very emotional and I stood at the stairs talking with Z while my friends we’re partying upstairs while he had locked himself into the only bathroom at a club to talk to me while people were knocking on the door outside. We decided to see each other that Friday. Or, more correctly. He was going to visit his girlfriend, and doing so he would pass the town where I live so we decided that he should just make a quick stop and say hi. Said and done. Friday came. Do I have to mention that I listened to Friday I’m in love with The Cure that day?
We met at the train station. He looked just the way I remembered and when I walked up to him he hugged me really hard and we stood there for a minute or so. I guess no one wanted to let go and he smelled sooo good. We stood there, talking about everything and nothing, but it didn’t feel awkward at all, I was just so terribly happy to see him and I enjoyed observing him as he talked to me. His eyes were so pretty and they glittered so much. The butterflies in my stomach turned all crazy, I tell you. Before he had to leave I got another hug which made me state the fact that he’s the best hugger in the world, all time.

The next weekend was insane, really. The conversations we had. I don’t know. They really changed a lot. He called when he and his friends were on their way to a club, but when they got there he didn’t want to hang up so the whole time while they were in there, he was standing outside, talking to me. We talked about how nice it had been to finally see each other again. And that we still felt the same way after our second meeting, that there was no unrealistic images or expectations. Though it would probably have been easier if it was that way. I mean. I’ve always felt that I’m meant to be with him neither meeting him or that phone call made things easier. Especially not as I found out something I never could have imagined and hardly had dared to dream about. All of a sudden we came into the topic of relationships and he told me that he had cried so terribly much when I started seeing that boyfriend I had, that it almost destroyed him. That he had cried so much the months after we met the first time because he wanted to be with me so badly. Say what!? I basically found out that everything I thought was just silliness and imagination from my side – that he had been walking around feeling exactly the same way!

I almost started crying when he told me. It’s so painful to think about how both of us have been crying because we want to be with each other so badly and no one of us dared to say anything! So idiotic. So utterly idiotic. I told him that I still feel the same way.

I don’t understand how two persons can be so stupid. If we’d only known six months ago what we were now aware of things would have been so different. I will never forgive myself for not daring to tell him, for not daring to take a chance. As I told him, if I had just known, I’d have got on the next bus to him – immediately. I have never met anyone that makes me feel the way he does. Never. Ever. It was our best and worst conversation so far.

The next time we talked I was terrified and feared that he wanted us to stop being in touch, not to cause trouble with his relationship and so on. But he didn’t, on the contrary, he told me that he’d fall apart inside if we stopped talking.

I have no idea what to say anymore. The only thing I know is that this is how it’s supposed to feel. And I’m so scared that he will settle down with this girl and that I’ll be sitting here left alone listening to no time for us. It probably sounds cheesy, silly, pathetic and all. I will wait for him though. If Mississippi can wait for better days I guess I should be able to do it as well, and I told him so. I just hope that I’m not waiting in vain and that I won’t have to wait an eternity. Because every single day without him feels like one.

That’s where I thought I’d be ending this story when I started to write to tell you about it in September. But things turned out so much more amazing and fantastic than I could ever imagine. To make a long story short (or at least shorter). Z broke up with his girlfriend and we decided to see each other. He came to visit me and I was supposed to meet him up at the train station. I was all hysterical and so happy, I don’t have words for it really. So I walked down the platform all glassy-eyed and saw him in a distance. We started walking towards each other and I didn’t know what to do with myself because my heart was jumping all over the place and I almost forgot how to move my legs, I was so extremely happy and nervous at the same time. Eventually we started running towards each other and threw ourselves in each others' arms, spinning around almost falling backwards. We hugged each other so hard that we almost fell apart as I started to feel whole and complete inside. Then he kissed me and I almost started to cry. And there we stand for like 15 minutes or so, just looking at each other all fascinated. People at the station are looking at us, I guess they’re smiling, I would have. It felt just like a scene taken from a romantic movie, but better. Because this is real.

The days that followed were made up of tea, kisses and amazing glances, waking up beside him, listening to music that says it all and yet cannot explain the phenomenon. Fascination, love and to get completely lost in your emotions and in another person. Those days contained more smiles and sparkling eyes than many eternities do.

Since that weekend we’re a couple. It’s been four amazing months now. And I can honestly say that it all, and Z, is all I ever wanted and more than I could ever wish for. With every day that goes by I’m just falling deeper in love with him and I’m getting more and more convinced that he’s the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I guess all I want to say to those in the same situation is that if you don't dare to tell that special someone how you feel you may end up regretting it for the rest of your life and that sometimes the waiting is just worth it all and that you shouldn't give up. No matter what. Because. Love is the one thing we can't surrender.

♥ David Yurman / Valentine's Day ♥


ph: cookie magazine

it's day 3 of the DAVID YURMAN valentine’s day facebook contest!
make sure to enter to win two amaze pieces of jewelry ♥
to enter...
  • head to the DY facebook page- HERE
  • upload your favorite original romantic picture
  • spread the word + get your friends/loved ones to vote for your picture!
on friday DAVID YURMAN will pick the winner out of the top 10 with the most votes.
so many beautiful + romantic images have already been submitted!

-click HERE to enter-

good luck!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

when i am with you



ssssound + coulson macleod

♥ David Yurman / Valentine's Day ♥



it's day 2 of the DAVID YURMAN valentine’s day facebook contest!
he's giving away two gorgeous pieces of jewelry ♥

to enter...
  • head on over to the DY facebook page- HERE
  • upload your favorite original romantic picture
  • spread the word + get your friends + loved ones to vote for your picture!
on friday 2/11 DAVID YURMAN will pick the winner out of the top 10 with the most votes.
you can check out my favorite romantic images + my favorite picks from the valentine's
day shop both on facebook + here on le fashion!

please share your romantic pics in the comments!

-click HERE to enter-

good luck!

Monday, February 7, 2011

honey, i'd do anything


unknown

I imagine you'll appear out of nowhere. I'll be sitting on a bus full of all my friends. I imagine you will walk towards me and look at me with regret in your eyes. I imagine I'll be surprised in the expected kind of way, look back at you and shake my head because I'm tired. Tired of everything, but mostly tired of being without you. I imagine you'll simply say three sentences: I am sorry. I can't live without you. I love you. I imagine I will desperately hold back my tears, and then I will tell you I've moved on. I imagine you will get off the bus, and I will break down. He will put his strong arms around me, and I'll repeat it over and over again. I've moved on, I 've moved on, I've moved on. It will be a lie, and this will be our goodbye. In fact, I wish it was our goodbye.

It's been six months. I have imagined this every day. Honey, I'd do anything.

♥ David Yurman / Valentine's Day ♥



DAVID YURMAN is having a valentine’s day facebook contest! he's giving away two
pieces of jewelry for you + your loved one- just in time for valentine’s day!

sooo excited! i grew up tearing out the iconic ads from my magazines + putting them all
over my walls- dreaming about the amazing jewelry + wishing i were kate moss ♥

in order to enter...

- head on over to the DY facebook page- HERE
- upload your favorite original romantic picture
- spread the word + get your friends + loved ones to vote for your picture!

the 10 images with the most votes will be the final contenders.
then on friday 2/11 DAVID YURMAN will pick the winner out of the 10.

for the next few days i'll be sharing my favorite romantic images + my favorite picks from
the valentine's day shop both on facebook + here on le love...
can't wait to see what you all submit!!!

-click HERE to enter-

good luck!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Saturday, February 5, 2011

maybe I love him


unknown

His ways, the way he treats me is not out of the ordinary. We were talking three years ago but turned out he didn't want anything so nothing happened...well not nothing per-say. He wanted to be friends, I said fine but I have been on an emotional roller coaster with him that I've told him we can't be friends several times. I've ignored we've stopped talking and everything your girlfriends tell you how to get over a crush that didn't work out. But with all these advice there's nothing you can really do but be addicted to him. We had a "No Strings Attach" moment and still continuing but it's not as much as before considering the fact he has someone now. I've done the crying and the rejection feeling has passed, at least I always lie to myself that it has. Now we are "friends" I talk to him like any guy friends I've had but this one has a flirt recipe in it and he does the same. He claims he cares for me, he claims he wants me in his life, loves talking to me and yet nothing would ever happen. I stopped having hope but when you hear someone say "you never know. Never say never" I want to punch him in the face but I can't help that I like him..a lot and enjoy his annoying presence and remind myself we will never ever ever be together so I say to myself i will get over him, he will be a memory of the past, he will be gone or maybe I love him? But that can't be...it really can't but I do wish I was over him and wish he can just leave me alone for real this time not for a week or so then tell me he misses me.

This has got to be a phase...because love can not be.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

love is like a rubber band

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

we choose the lives we live


rose hardy

This is a love story. And it’s not.

We met at work, I had been with the company three months when he joined. The first time I saw him, I was startled. His presence evoked a visceral reaction from me, I felt like all the breath had been knocked out of me and the small voice of my heart said, “oh”. He scared me, I had spent the last seven years of my life shying away from men and any possibility of having a serious relationship to pour everything I had into my career. I recognized immediately here was someone that could disrupt all that.

We spent the next eight months circling one another, having very little direct contact. I learned that he had a girlfriend and that he was engaged. We never spoke directly and despite my being an extremely friendly, social person at work, I never reached out to him. He made me uncomfortable, and I didn’t like it.

Soon, we had our company anniversary party. And after several hours of celebrating, I found myself standing next to him. Having had more than my share of beers and cocktails, I started a conversation with him. We sat down and for the next two hours, spoke only to one another ignoring the party and crowd of coworkers around us. We talked of love, and how he wasn’t in it. We spoke of our careers and our passion for creativity and beauty. He complimented me, I complimented him and he asked why I was still single. He showed me a burn on his hand that I touched while he told he how it had happened. I had a cut on my hand, which I shared with him as well. It came out that we had secretly held crushes on one another the last eight months, and in that moment, I knew somehow that life had just changed. An awkward fear came over me and I excused myself to leave.

A few days later he broke his engagement and we went to dinner. He told me that he had waited his entire life to feel about someone the way he did about me. That he had loved me from the first moment that he saw me and had avoided me because of his situation. That what he felt for me was epic. I said that we were lucky, that we were blessed to have found one another. Because how many people in their lives get to live out their fairy tales? I believed we were meant to be together.

But things didn’t last. They were awkward. He thought I was perfect when I’m not. I had many things going on my life. He had difficult things happening in his. I acted out as he withdrew. And after a couple particularly bad scenes I was at fault for, it was over. I wanted to explain, but he walked away too quickly for me to catch up.

He didn’t want to see me. Or talk to me. He couldn’t. I wrote him emails, I gave him space, but he cut me off. All without ever talking to me face to face. I finally told him that I couldn’t believe I ever believed him. That he was bullshit, that I couldn’t believe after the things he said he would walk away without at least talking. I apologized, I humbled myself, I cared more about being right and wanted to prove that. But he wouldn’t budge. He told me he had disengaged and that I had disappointed him too much. I was heartbroken.

And I hated myself. I blamed myself. I couldn’t forgive myself. So I tried. I fought, I begged, I pleaded. And meanwhile, I hurt myself. Because I didn’t know what else to do. I could not bear my day to day. I was desperate to crawl outside my own skin. I felt like I was suffocating. I had lost myself. In my desire for him, in my hatred for myself. I couldn’t feel who I was at all anymore.

I went away to an island paradise for the holidays by myself. And my first two days and nights alone, all I could do was cry and sleep. But then slowly, I began to heal. I surfed in the early mornings, I walked along the beach in the afternoons, and shot the sunset every night reminding myself that there are things far bigger in this world than myself, my petty problems and my broken heart. I made new friends and talked about the world and everything beautiful in it. I forgave myself, and remembered that I didn’t need him to be happy. That I deserved more than what he had offered, and that life would always move forward. I remembered how to breathe again.

And when I came back from my sojourn, I decided to change my life. For me. For the things that I wanted. I crafted a five month plan that involved quitting my current job and leaving the city I lived in to focus on writing and my peace of mind. I started putting things in motion, and the minute I did, he surfaced. He wanted to have dinner, he wanted to talk. He told me that he was sorry, that he should have been a better man. That he had never stopped missing me or caring for me. That he wanted to try again.

I forgave him, because that was all I ever asked of him. How could I deny him the very thing I had wanted from him? So we started seeing one another again. And I was happy.

But then, as I continued to move forward with my plans, he began disengaging again. He explained that he wasn’t keen to have a long distance relationship, that there were things in his life that he needed to work on before he could be with someone else. That he wished me all the best in the world, that I was everything he looked for, but that the timing wasn’t right for him. And once again I fought, once again I tried. I couldn’t understand why he bothered to come back to leave again. I had rational reasons why we shouldn’t walk away from one another, I had emotional reasons. I was angry, I was sad, I tried to be understanding and gracious, but he wouldn’t budge. And slowly I realized, that none of this mattered anymore. Because I knew that this would happen. Because the first time he told me things I believed, I was wrong. Could I really be surprised that this happened again? How many more times would I believe what I wanted to believe instead of believing what was real and right in front of me? When would I stop compromising what I deserved for what I wanted? When would I realize that being right, didn’t matter if the other person didn’t care?

If you love someone, you stay by them. There is no such things as a wrong time or a mistake that is too great. Love is just love. Any excuse to walk away from love offered is just that: an excuse to explain you can’t and don’t feel the same way back towards the person that’s offering their love to you.

So this time, I’ll let him walk away. And this time, I’m walking away for good. And this time, I’m truly looking towards the future and accepting that this chapter of my life, whatever it was, is over. I want to welcome what’s to come with a completely light and open heart because now I realize I’m finally letting go of what’s false in my life to let in what will be true. I finally realize that the most important person I could ever love, is myself. And part of loving myself is recognizing that I deserve someone who doesn’t just say that they love me, but actually really does. And to give that person the chance, I’ll weed out those who would fake it. Because we choose the lives we live and I choose truth and joy. I choose love.

I guess this is a love story. Just a different kind of love.
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