Thursday, February 17, 2011

i want us back


You know there's not really much anyone can say... I've heard all the typical things you would say to someone- "it gets better", "give it time", "you deserve better" etc... To be honest nothing helps. Even if it's happened to you, we can't compare ourselves. Love between two people is different, so heart break between two people is different. How it feels to you is different. It's been a month and my wound still feels fresh, it still feels like i have a gaping hole in my chest. I still think about him everyday, every minute, every second and the scary thing is I actually believe that I will never get over him. He is and will always will be my first love, the one i fell so hard for I lost myself in the process and rotated my life around his.

I met him almost 3 years ago, we were an awful set up by two of our friends in an attempt to find me- the sad lonely one- a boy. He didn't seem like anything special and to be honest I wasn't looking for him to be anything other than my first kiss. At 15 I wasn't looking for anything else. I remember that night very clearly, the awkward eye contact and avoidance... but what i remember the most was the feeling that he was different than anyone I'd met before. For awhile after that night we talked, got to know each other, became more than friends, but being 15 and so naive our 'relationship' wasn't real. We broke up and didn't talk for 5 months. What he doesn't know is that I can remember every single time in those 5 months I saw him, I wasn't over him but I wasn't about to let him know that, so I pretended to live my life. The next time we talked to each other would be at a friends party and from then on, he was about to be everything to me.

I fell in love with him. I didn't even know what love was but I think I figured it out, that feeling took me awhile to name but I felt it.I still do. We shared everything, we shared the best parts of our teenage years, and now being forced into adulthood we've changed. He doesn't want me anymore, he said he needs to figure out who he is and I'm stopping him. I've blamed myself, i still do. I'm full of so much regret and guilt and it never goes away. We're still 'friends', we talk and I'm not going to lie and say we haven't had those nights before. The sad thing is I still love him and although i know you're supposed to distance yourself to try to move on, I can't, I'm holding on to him with everything i have. Our relationship lasted almost two years, but what we had, I know it will never leave me.You can call me naive and too young but to me love doesn't have an age restriction. I'm not over it, I don't know if I will be.

I just miss him so much, i miss everything. I hurt all the time, I break all the time, I want him all the time. He left me an empty shell, wounding me so much I physically hurt.I'm not sure what to do anymore. I lie in bed for hours just thinking, just hurting. I want him back. I want us back.

Teddy, i miss you.

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