Tuesday, February 1, 2011

we choose the lives we live


rose hardy

This is a love story. And it’s not.

We met at work, I had been with the company three months when he joined. The first time I saw him, I was startled. His presence evoked a visceral reaction from me, I felt like all the breath had been knocked out of me and the small voice of my heart said, “oh”. He scared me, I had spent the last seven years of my life shying away from men and any possibility of having a serious relationship to pour everything I had into my career. I recognized immediately here was someone that could disrupt all that.

We spent the next eight months circling one another, having very little direct contact. I learned that he had a girlfriend and that he was engaged. We never spoke directly and despite my being an extremely friendly, social person at work, I never reached out to him. He made me uncomfortable, and I didn’t like it.

Soon, we had our company anniversary party. And after several hours of celebrating, I found myself standing next to him. Having had more than my share of beers and cocktails, I started a conversation with him. We sat down and for the next two hours, spoke only to one another ignoring the party and crowd of coworkers around us. We talked of love, and how he wasn’t in it. We spoke of our careers and our passion for creativity and beauty. He complimented me, I complimented him and he asked why I was still single. He showed me a burn on his hand that I touched while he told he how it had happened. I had a cut on my hand, which I shared with him as well. It came out that we had secretly held crushes on one another the last eight months, and in that moment, I knew somehow that life had just changed. An awkward fear came over me and I excused myself to leave.

A few days later he broke his engagement and we went to dinner. He told me that he had waited his entire life to feel about someone the way he did about me. That he had loved me from the first moment that he saw me and had avoided me because of his situation. That what he felt for me was epic. I said that we were lucky, that we were blessed to have found one another. Because how many people in their lives get to live out their fairy tales? I believed we were meant to be together.

But things didn’t last. They were awkward. He thought I was perfect when I’m not. I had many things going on my life. He had difficult things happening in his. I acted out as he withdrew. And after a couple particularly bad scenes I was at fault for, it was over. I wanted to explain, but he walked away too quickly for me to catch up.

He didn’t want to see me. Or talk to me. He couldn’t. I wrote him emails, I gave him space, but he cut me off. All without ever talking to me face to face. I finally told him that I couldn’t believe I ever believed him. That he was bullshit, that I couldn’t believe after the things he said he would walk away without at least talking. I apologized, I humbled myself, I cared more about being right and wanted to prove that. But he wouldn’t budge. He told me he had disengaged and that I had disappointed him too much. I was heartbroken.

And I hated myself. I blamed myself. I couldn’t forgive myself. So I tried. I fought, I begged, I pleaded. And meanwhile, I hurt myself. Because I didn’t know what else to do. I could not bear my day to day. I was desperate to crawl outside my own skin. I felt like I was suffocating. I had lost myself. In my desire for him, in my hatred for myself. I couldn’t feel who I was at all anymore.

I went away to an island paradise for the holidays by myself. And my first two days and nights alone, all I could do was cry and sleep. But then slowly, I began to heal. I surfed in the early mornings, I walked along the beach in the afternoons, and shot the sunset every night reminding myself that there are things far bigger in this world than myself, my petty problems and my broken heart. I made new friends and talked about the world and everything beautiful in it. I forgave myself, and remembered that I didn’t need him to be happy. That I deserved more than what he had offered, and that life would always move forward. I remembered how to breathe again.

And when I came back from my sojourn, I decided to change my life. For me. For the things that I wanted. I crafted a five month plan that involved quitting my current job and leaving the city I lived in to focus on writing and my peace of mind. I started putting things in motion, and the minute I did, he surfaced. He wanted to have dinner, he wanted to talk. He told me that he was sorry, that he should have been a better man. That he had never stopped missing me or caring for me. That he wanted to try again.

I forgave him, because that was all I ever asked of him. How could I deny him the very thing I had wanted from him? So we started seeing one another again. And I was happy.

But then, as I continued to move forward with my plans, he began disengaging again. He explained that he wasn’t keen to have a long distance relationship, that there were things in his life that he needed to work on before he could be with someone else. That he wished me all the best in the world, that I was everything he looked for, but that the timing wasn’t right for him. And once again I fought, once again I tried. I couldn’t understand why he bothered to come back to leave again. I had rational reasons why we shouldn’t walk away from one another, I had emotional reasons. I was angry, I was sad, I tried to be understanding and gracious, but he wouldn’t budge. And slowly I realized, that none of this mattered anymore. Because I knew that this would happen. Because the first time he told me things I believed, I was wrong. Could I really be surprised that this happened again? How many more times would I believe what I wanted to believe instead of believing what was real and right in front of me? When would I stop compromising what I deserved for what I wanted? When would I realize that being right, didn’t matter if the other person didn’t care?

If you love someone, you stay by them. There is no such things as a wrong time or a mistake that is too great. Love is just love. Any excuse to walk away from love offered is just that: an excuse to explain you can’t and don’t feel the same way back towards the person that’s offering their love to you.

So this time, I’ll let him walk away. And this time, I’m walking away for good. And this time, I’m truly looking towards the future and accepting that this chapter of my life, whatever it was, is over. I want to welcome what’s to come with a completely light and open heart because now I realize I’m finally letting go of what’s false in my life to let in what will be true. I finally realize that the most important person I could ever love, is myself. And part of loving myself is recognizing that I deserve someone who doesn’t just say that they love me, but actually really does. And to give that person the chance, I’ll weed out those who would fake it. Because we choose the lives we live and I choose truth and joy. I choose love.

I guess this is a love story. Just a different kind of love.

44 comments:

  1. i like ur posts. u have a gift to capture the truth about how we live love with such a sensitivity..

    but i must react to one thing. to the ´excuse´ u mentioned. because i believe sometimes the cliche ´not the right timing´ really is the only truth.. & judging only by what u mentioned about him, his heart wasnt healed yet. his past relationship emotions were very likely still there.

    i believe no matter how much we love a certain person, it never means we didnt love the ones before. & no matter what big love it is, still the first thing we need to do is to heal our hearts from the past ones. before we start some new ones.

    it means u might have really been the one for him, just..

    anyway, keep on blogging. u r good at what u do ; )

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  2. he's a jerk. he breaks off his engagement with someone then dates you and thinks you're perfect. what kind of immature idiot thinks that? someone should love you for your qualities AND you flaws! you're worth so much better! good on you for moving on =)

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  3. This is the love story everyone is meant to learn - to love oneself.
    It´s one of the hardest lessons life will give you and perhaps the most important one.
    There is a great amount of maturity to gain in an experience like this and you either come out the other side bitter or stronger.
    In this story it seems to be the latter - that´s the way it should be.
    Happily married as I thought I never would be I have this piece of advice to give my children one day: You will be hurt by love, countless times. When you think you´re incapable of loving again - life will proove you wrong. But it´s when you learn to love yourself that someone comes along and loves you for who you are - and on that day, every bitter tear, pain and agony love put you through will seem worth it.

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  4. "If you love someone, you stay by them. There is no such things as a wrong time or a mistake that is too great. Love is just love. Any excuse to walk away from love offered is just that: an excuse to explain you can’t and don’t feel the same way back towards the person that’s offering their love to you."

    You are so, so right.
    xx

    Thanks for this story

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  5. Thank you for the story and all these nice things !

    You're so right !

    12 X

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  6. if you don't know how to love yourself, who dares to love you? It's so true.

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  7. he's a jerk. he breaks off his engagement with someone then dates you and thinks you're perfect. what kind of immature idiot thinks that? someone should love you for your qualities AND you flaws! you're worth so much better! good on you for moving on =)loraliedesigns discount code

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  8. he's a jerk. he breaks off his engagement with someone then dates you and thinks you're perfect. what kind of immature idiot thinks that? someone should love you for your qualities AND you flaws! you're worth so much better! good on you for moving on =)loraliedesigns discount code

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  9. Will you belive a man he's broken you again and again ........

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  10. ...I am almost at a loss for words. "If you love someone, you stay by them. There is no such things as a wrong time or a mistake that is too great. Love is just love. Any excuse to walk away from love offered is just that: an excuse to explain you can’t and don’t feel the same way back towards the person that’s offering their love to you."
    This part especially completely touched my soul. Le Love and everyone that posts on here, you help me so much, thank you. (I am sorry I get so antsy and impatient, I forget what I am asking you to do...I hope you find someone who doesn't ask so much from you) My Love is always yours Banman, I just wish you felt the same.

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  11. Everyone is entitled to there feelings. Sometimes you have to walk away for clarity. Nothing like self discovery by default, jerk or no jerk.

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  12. I can recognize myself in this text. My boyfriend just broke up with me. For the third time. And this time he said "I really love you, and i'm in love with you. And I still want to marry you some day and still want to be with you. But right now, I just can't. I have to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life". And i understand him, i really do. Because ofcourse you don't know what you want to do when you 20 years old. But neither i don't understand how he can end such beautiful relashionship as we had, because he doesn't know who he are. How can you break up with someone if you really love her? If you're in love, you should be together, and you figure it out together! It's really hard. And i also regognize me in the part were you begged, pleaded and did EVERYTHING just so he would take you back. Because i've done it too. And you really feel stupid and desperate. But you're just in love..

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  13. so true. im experiencing this same thing right now where i have done my part but still it's worthless to him. thanks for sharing.

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  14. Oh, I love all of these stories that you're posting, this is a great blog!!

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  15. and saying to you that he do not know if he still loves you. it's like he is giving hopes on you but to think he is flirting with a different which i has caught and he is on denial. how stupid some people are doing this that they are not thinking of what they are causing us, hurting

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  16. this was amazing to read being that i am going through the exact same situation this very day. sadly, i wasn't able to let go as he was and did that very same thing - pushing, pleading and begging to only push him further away in the end. he has now grown to hate me and it has made me hate myself. truth is i honestly couldn't believe he would want to cut me out 100%. i stupidly thought we were more than that. what was i thinking?!.... :(

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  17. NO. You can not always stay by someone because you love them. I let go of the person I love more than anything in the world because he didn't love me back and I deserve better. In cases like that, you have to let go. Sometimes you need to be selfish. If I had not let go of the one I love, he would take advantage of my love and walk all over me for another 5 years.

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  18. Amazing. You have such inner strength.


    -Anna

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  19. Good for you!! Thanks for sharing, you are an amazing writer and I absolutely LOVE your posts! :)

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  20. Love is just love~~ totally agreed!

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  21. sometimes it is very difficult for us to let go of someone that we love. for for us, everything will be fine as long as there is still love. in my situation right now, we don't even have problems, arguments before all this things happen. it just one time when i have felt something weird about him. he is getting cold. i have confronted him that day and he said, what if with no reason, suddenly he felt change not with his me but with himself that he hates knowing he's already hurting me.

    i keep on telling him that i will stay with him whatever happens. i will wait till he will be ok. that i will be here for him, loving him, care, understand. but all of those was worthless. he said he do appreciate everything that i am doing to save the relationship but what i see is that he is not willing to cooperate and find it so pointless for me doing all this. at this point in time, we are not talking. because of the feeling that he had left. i was so embarassed knowing he is flirting with someone. everything about him that i love, like disappear with that reality that all this time, he cannot be trusted. that coming from him it's not me, it's him who has a problem. i think letting go is really the best way to do. we should also think about ourselves if it is already enough. if we have already done our best and nothing has changed. maybe, it is really not meant to be.....

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  22. Good job. I'm proud of you. & you are right about real love never ending.

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  23. 'If you love someone, you stay by them. There is no such things as a wrong time or a mistake that is too great. Love is just love.'

    so beautiful and so true that it made my heart ache...

    http://sartorialme.blogspot.com

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  24. Everything/everyone disposable this days. Very sad. No commitment makes easy to walk away without say anything. People very selfish. Better to know than to wait. It not meant to be. n

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  25. Hi I need some help. I'm going to get a tatto and I just want to know if this is correct english. "It takes more than love to give away your heart, it takes courage"

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  26. this is truly inspirational and i think everyone can relate.

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  27. we will always choose what makes us feel good because what makes us feel good is the right for us. Love***

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  28. No matter what, I believe in love. thanks for sharing the stories of courage and experiences.

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  29. I love this story. I feel like you are able to capture what so many of us feel. This struggle of self acceptance vs. comforming to another person's kind of love. I really appreciate your writing .. I can relate and it makes me feel good that others are going through similar experiences :) Thanks :)

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  30. a great story to share with us, even though it is sad.

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  31. This was my story too. well, partially. **hugs**

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  32. "It takes more than love to give away your heart; it takes courage."

    Needs a semicolon

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  33. Oh, I cried, do I need to say more?
    Hey, read my blog, it's alot like this one!
    http://confessionsihave.blogg.se/
    hope you like it! leave a comment (:

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  34. This was so well writer, great story

    check out my tumblr

    http://rawandbeautiful.tumblr.com/

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  35. This was love story with a twist. Just the perfect little twist to remind ourselves that there's more. Mor to life than just Him. Usually our thoughts just get obsessed of this one person, while the world is spinning around with millions of others. You just put it down soo nicely.

    Hope You'll continue having a great life with great love, with or without a man! =D

    xoxo Julia

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  36. "If you love someone, you stay by them. There is no such things as a wrong time or a mistake that is too great. Love is just love. Any excuse to walk away from love offered is just that: an excuse to explain you can’t and don’t feel the same way back towards the person that’s offering their love to you."

    this is one of the best things I have ever read

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  37. Well I guess that this guy needs to grown up first...

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  38. Here, I do not actually think this is likely to have success.

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  39. this post is great and inspiring. to a lovers like yours.

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  40. If you love someone, you stay by them. There is no such things as a wrong time or a mistake that is too great. Love is just love. Any excuse to walk away from love offered is just that: an excuse to explain you can’t and don’t feel the same way back towards the person that’s offering their love to you.

    This is quite an eye opener and I love it coz its true.Thanx for that.

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  41. There is no such things as a wrong time or a mistake that is too great. Love is just love.

    Any excuse to walk away from love offered is just that: an excuse to explain you can’t and don’t feel the same way back towards the person that’s offering their love to you.

    Thanx for this piece.Twas great.

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  42. Reading this made me cry =/

    I think anyone who can relate to this story should go to www.luvmor.com

    True love is a rare thing, we need to cherish it.

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  43. Great Post.

    You made the right decision.

    Good luck.

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  44. Nice sharing. I agree with you.
    This is a love story ^^

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