Tuesday, February 22, 2011

how do you stop punishing yourself


We've all been hurt. i'm just like everyone else. typical story of girl meets guy they get on amazingly. Guy has girlfriend, Guy cheats on Girlfriend with girl.
Girl and guy become best friends. Girl falls in love with guy. Guy promises to leave girlfriend for girl but it's all false promises. Girl gets hurt.

This happened to me. But i don't want to talk about that. I'm over him. What i want to know, now that i'm over him when do i get over what he did to me?

It's almost been a year now. a since i stopped thinking about the guy, josh. Its been almost a year since i met sam.

I met Sam one night through a friend, we spent the whole night together, drinking, laughing the usual. He was clear from the start, he didn't 'do' relationships.
I was ok with this. I still wanted Josh but it was becoming clearer and clearer as our friendship was fading more and more that it was never going to happen.
This continued to hurt, so i thought why not have some fun on the side with sam.

As i got to know Sam, we became closer and closer. We spent some amazing nights together, some full of passion and some where we would spend hours talking
and getting to know each other. I was growing to really like Sam and Josh barely ever thought about.

Sam and i talked about past relationships, he had no shame in telling me about how he's cheated and doesn't like being tied down.

I fell in love with Sam. By this point it'd already been admitted that he was in love with me and was just waiting for me to reciprocate the feeling before we
considered a relationship.

It was only about 2 months ago that i realised how much i loved Sam. It was the scariest relisation of my entire life. The only person i had ever loved like this was Josh
and that truly destroyed me, i never realised just how much until now.

Before i explain, i just want you to know that i know how utterly ridiculous i'm being but i just can't help it.

I simply cannot trust sam. and it's hurting me, not him, me. I keeping waiting for him to turn around and realise he doesn't want me, the same way josh did.

After we hang out i keep thinking, that's it we're over or we wont talk for months because that's how josh always treated me.

If Sam does anything slightly wrong, I get so emotional, i believe that its over and he's deliberately trying to hurt me and i sometimes cry for hours, over something which
turns out to be absolutely nothing. It's all because of josh, because i showed him everything and if he didn't like it and could discard it so easily why would anybody else want me.

This isn't meant to be a self pity story. i just want to know how do you stop punishing yourself, for what someone did to you?


  1. i'm exactly the same. all i can do is talk to my boyfriend, explain to him why i feel or react the way i do. it doesn't stop me from worrying about everything going wrong, but it stops it from harming our relationship because now he knows why i worry and he can help me through it. good luck x

  2. I know what you mean. I'm over my ex, have no feelings for what he did (he cheated) but I can't trust anyone. It's like... everytime I get close to someone, I just push them away, because I don't want to get close to anyone who can hurt me that way again.

    I don't know what to do 'bout it. Time, I guess? Time will probably fix it.

  3. I'm in the same situation.. Haven't found the answer yet but I do hope I'll find it someday..

  4. I know exactlyy what you mean. I believe the answer is patience. If Sam's a nice guy, he'll understand that it's going to take time before you start trusting him. However, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it either. It may hurt in the process of being able to trust again, but you're going to have to deal with it at some point.

  5. i only have four words for you:

    you are not alone.


  6. or maybe you should just consider yourself lucky for finding sam who seems to love you and wants to be there for you. not everyone is blessed to have a love at all in their lives, let alone two... you've been blessed. don't waste time worrying about getting hurt. it's not worth it.

  7. i love this blog. when i'm happy i read it, when i'm sad i read it. keep it up :)

  8. I used to think that our relationships is just our past. but now I realised that all relationshins not only gives us amazing moments but also takes from us a very pig part of our confidence. so should we love many times and segment our heart for many lovers or should we wait untill the right person, right moment and maybe even utopian love?

  9. Let go of the old love and hang onto the new love

  10. reading this helped me realize that I've been punishing myself. that my insecurity over my new relationship is really just punishment over an old distrust.

    so now we're in the same boat. here's hoping one of us finds the answer.

  11. i want to know too! kind of reminds me of this...


  12. I'm 42 and your first love truly forms the way you love for the rest of your life....
    it's tortuous, it's painful...but love always is.
    just be...
    and love...


  13. Let go; learn to trust, let time and love heal.

    I'm not speaking from experience or great insight - just a hope that you'll find peace.

  14. whoa karma sucks doesn't it? you helped the other guy cheat and then you're scared of being cheated on now. your fear is justified perfectly.

  15. Like Beth says - you talk.
    You explain to him how you are feeling.
    "This is why I am upset."
    "This is why I am acting this way - this is how I feel."
    It takes time.
    Only time can show you if he's going to leave or not.

  16. "whoa karma sucks doesn't it? you helped the other guy cheat and then you're scared of being cheated on now. your fear is justified perfectly."

    now if only there was a "like" button....

  17. "Guy has girlfriend. Guy cheats on Girlfriend with girl.
    Girl and guy become best friends. Girl falls in love with guy. Guy promises to leave girlfriend for girl but it's all false promises. Girl gets hurt."

    I honestly stumbled onto this blog and reading this post was like reading about my own experience. I am just now getting out of a situation like this.

    There are days that I question why someone would tell you they loved you, make false promises, that kind of thing.

    Other days I just feel happy that it's over and I can pick up and move on. It was one of the first times I ever really fell in love with someone and I wish I could say there was a happy, romantic ending here. But I guess my happy ending is moving on and finding someone who will really care about me and only make promises that they intend to keep.

    I wish the same for you. This is the first time I've ever been in this kind of situation, so even I'm not sure what the best way to handle it is. I'm not sure how you can stop punishing yourself for what someone did to you; I wish I knew.

    The most you can do is just love yourself, take it day by day, and have faith that there's someone out there waiting to meet you and waiting to love you.

    Best of luck.

  18. Beautiful photo!!!!<3 and beautiful words!!!... ;)


  19. Did you talk about your fear with sam? Maybe it'd help if he'd get a chance to understand why you’re acting the way you act.

  20. Nicely explained. It's indeed an art to stop new visitors with your attractive writing style. Truly impressive and nice information. Thanks for sharing.

  21. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

    If you've already accepted that you've been hurt badly before then let that go. That happened for a reason.

    Off with the past's head.

  22. "Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present."


    I understand what you're going through. Been through something quite similar and it took me years to sort myself out. But you know, time actually heals. And as you go on you'll realize things happend for a reason, to teach you something about life you needed to know. Don't beat yourself up because of your past - I did and it never did me any good in any way. Forgive, both yourself and Josh. We're all just human and we all do our mistakes in life. Some of us just have to learn the hard way to truly understand in the end.
    Forgive, but don't forget what it felt like. And love. Love love love is the answer.
    It's better to have loved and risked getting hurt, than never have loved at all. Love is life. Life is love. And I promise time and life will sort you out eventually.
    Til then, talk to Sam and make him understand your reactions. If he truly loves you, he'll have patience.

    All my love and best wishes!

  23. i can relate to this very well

  24. I agree with Fariahn. You need to be able to forgive, but not always forget. It is okay to be cautious, just try not to be paranoid. Not every guy is the same. I can definitely understand why trusting Sam is difficult for you, but consider that he has not done anything to break your trust, has he? He told you he loves you... Just remember that Sam is not Josh so if you really do care about him, give him a fair chance.

    Communication is key though. Sam should know how you are feeling. Does the risk of getting hurt again really outweigh the potential for new love and happiness for you??

    i wish you the best

  25. Give it time. Time to heal. Tell Sam you are afraid, let him know, he might be able to help you.

    Much love, Mia

  26. i love your blog:)
    good luck, Jessy

  27. im just like you. i can cry for hours over somthing so stupid and then i just sit there feeling like a fool. i hate when i do that. but you cant help it. right?

    but like many others say you sould talk to him, tell him how you feel. im sure he will understand. and then only time can tell you if it will last.
    good luck:)

  28. I was in the same exact situation, with a guy named Josh, and then a guy named Alex. I've been with Alex for two years and he truly loves me. He put up with all of my emotional turmoil.

    But recently, I realized that I still have residual emotional problems, and they're not going away. They're not going away at least with him here. My self esteem has never recovered. So I'm leaving Alex.

    I'm leaving Alex because I need to take care of myself. I've become so dependent on him that I can't emotionally take care of myself. I care about him and I hope that we can remain best friends. But in the end, my happiness is going to matter the most. And I'm not happy with myself right now.

    So to answer your question, it takes a long long time to be able to recover. It takes time and patience. Maybe you'll be able to recover completely with Sam at your side. For me, I need to find myself once again, alone.

    I wish you the best of luck.

  29. i'm in the same situation, my ex cheated and abused me. with time and with friends being there for me i've been able to get through it and move on and i'm with the most wonderful guy ever, he makes me so very happy, so happy that i worry about everything, i read into things too much worry something bad might happen. to be honest the only thing that would probably only break us up is me and that makes me feel really stupid. i know deep down he would never do hurt me but doesn't stop me worrying.

    i just think the only thing you can do is take it one day at a time, you'll have bad days with sam and amazing days too which will outweigh the bad ones hundreds of times over. you just have to talk to him about any worries when they come up, cry, get it out of your system and move on to a new day and look forward to your time and memories made with your guy!

    everything happens for a reason, and it will make you a stronger person. you just have to remember that you are pretty damn awesome and don't blame yourself for what some idiot done to you in the past.

    good luck with it all, know everything will work out just fine <3

  30. it will get better in time. Like you, i had my bf of 6 years cheat on me for one whole year under my nose, not knowing anything, and they even went for a holiday together, but that's another story altogether.

    You just need to draw out the strength in you to decide to stop punishing yourself. Scars will remains just scars after the wounds have healed, but dot't let it hinder you from finding love again.

    You have found a second chance with Sam, don't destroy because of a past that hurt, not all guys are the same. A second chance is always a chance to get better and in hope, that it will be the ONE. :) smile and the world smiles with you.

  31. maybe i have been lucky or unaware it has happened to me!

  32. I wish I knew. My current boyfriend and I, we've been on and off for five and a half years.
    I still catch myself waiting for him to say "hey, look, I really can't do this anymore" like he has four times already. We're on our fifth try, and he keeps talking marriage this and life together that, but I just... Can't trust him to be genuine. I can't trust that those nice things he talks about will happen, because he's broken it off so many times before.
    So I know where you're coming from, and I'm sorry. I wish I could help. All I can do is say that I understand, and I hope that one day, he pleasantly surprises you with his genuine love.

  33. I'm in a very similar situation. It's really hard to trust somebody again.

    How can you, when you loved somebody with all your heart and soul? When you trusted them, even with your life?

    How can you trust anybody after they destroy you like that?

  34. I know what you are going through. I've been hurt badly by a guy before and ever since, I can't bring myself to trust another one. It's painful on yourself and it's unfair to the other person.

    For it, it was about forgetting him. It was about cutting off all contact, blocking all ways of contacting him, and just taking time to learn to love myself again. It was about taking the time to be alone, to emotionally heal yourself, before putting yourself out there.

    And in the end, even though this is clique, the experience will make you stronger. Learn from the past, don't live with regrets, but instead turn it into something positive - an experience that shapes who you are today. Make sure that that experience doesn't define you and turn you into someone you don't like.

    Time heals all. I hope you get better soon. And sometimes, it may just take the right person to help you heal.
    Good luck.

  35. Take a leap of faith, put your trust in Sam. Just make yourself believe that this time it will be better. This way, no matter how things turn out, you will not be beating yourself up about not having full trust in him and possibly even sabotaging your own relationship.

  36. It's months later, but I'm out of Le Love content to read to make work go by faster.

    There is nothing you can do. I didn't trust my boyfriend either. Unfortunately, I was right to not trust him because he was talking to someone else and decided on a whim he didn't want to be around anymore.

    The only advice I have is to just not worry. Just don't do it. Men find confidence much sexier than worry, and the worry eventually pushes them away. It's difficult and I can't even follow that rule either, but truth be told, whatever is going to happen WILL happen, and worrying about it may actually set it in the opposite direction you want it to go in anyway.

  37. I always wandered, why woman always fall in love with guys like this ? there are good men outside, men that really want a good woman to marry and have kids, but they always fall in love, with delinquents, drug dealers, aggressive, etc etc, i wonder why...

  38. Quite worthwhile material, thanks for your post.


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