Tuesday, February 22, 2011
how do you stop punishing yourself
We've all been hurt. i'm just like everyone else. typical story of girl meets guy they get on amazingly. Guy has girlfriend, Guy cheats on Girlfriend with girl.
Girl and guy become best friends. Girl falls in love with guy. Guy promises to leave girlfriend for girl but it's all false promises. Girl gets hurt.
This happened to me. But i don't want to talk about that. I'm over him. What i want to know, now that i'm over him when do i get over what he did to me?
It's almost been a year now. a since i stopped thinking about the guy, josh. Its been almost a year since i met sam.
I met Sam one night through a friend, we spent the whole night together, drinking, laughing the usual. He was clear from the start, he didn't 'do' relationships.
I was ok with this. I still wanted Josh but it was becoming clearer and clearer as our friendship was fading more and more that it was never going to happen.
This continued to hurt, so i thought why not have some fun on the side with sam.
As i got to know Sam, we became closer and closer. We spent some amazing nights together, some full of passion and some where we would spend hours talking
and getting to know each other. I was growing to really like Sam and Josh barely ever thought about.
Sam and i talked about past relationships, he had no shame in telling me about how he's cheated and doesn't like being tied down.
I fell in love with Sam. By this point it'd already been admitted that he was in love with me and was just waiting for me to reciprocate the feeling before we
considered a relationship.
It was only about 2 months ago that i realised how much i loved Sam. It was the scariest relisation of my entire life. The only person i had ever loved like this was Josh
and that truly destroyed me, i never realised just how much until now.
Before i explain, i just want you to know that i know how utterly ridiculous i'm being but i just can't help it.
I simply cannot trust sam. and it's hurting me, not him, me. I keeping waiting for him to turn around and realise he doesn't want me, the same way josh did.
After we hang out i keep thinking, that's it we're over or we wont talk for months because that's how josh always treated me.
If Sam does anything slightly wrong, I get so emotional, i believe that its over and he's deliberately trying to hurt me and i sometimes cry for hours, over something which
turns out to be absolutely nothing. It's all because of josh, because i showed him everything and if he didn't like it and could discard it so easily why would anybody else want me.
This isn't meant to be a self pity story. i just want to know how do you stop punishing yourself, for what someone did to you?