Thursday, February 24, 2011

is it too late for me?


I've always been a free spirit. I am constantly looking for something fun and new. If I get bored or restricted, I run. I've never thought of myself as a slut/whore, but someone who likes to do what they want when they want with who they want. I rarely think about the consequences and like to go with what I feel at the time. I never go out looking for trouble, but trouble always seems to find me, and trouble always comes in the form of a boy. I have no problems attracting attention from the opposite sex. It's just that it's never the "right" attention. A typical night out would be my friends and I at a bar/club and a cute boy buying me drinks and dancing with me. For me, it's all about chemistry. It's either there or it's not. Unfortunately, the initial spark between myself and a male always just leads to sex and nothing more.

Looking back, I have been with many guys and unfortunately none of them have been meaningful. I never have usually hooked up with anyone for more than a month or so. When I do develop feelings, I try my best to hide them in fear of being rejected (because most guys don't want relationships). I have been told by several guys that I've been with that they like me because I'm a girl who just "likes to have fun." I am a fun and easy going person and that's what people like about me, but does this mean that I can't be in a relationship?

I am scared that I will never love or truly be loved. I have been in one relationship where I hurt my boyfriend of the time very badly. Perhaps this is karma. I was young, stupid, and selfish. I just turned 23. Recently, I have been feeling more alone than ever. I have great girl friends, but none of them seem to really understand what I feel. Guys that I'm attracted to and who I also in turn attract are always those who are never emotionally available. One guy that I was hooking up with for awhile that I started developing feelings for a couple years ago even told me that I am not "girlfriend material."

Perhaps I am evolving and I do want something more stable, because I've never been a part of something real. I know I stopped myself before from liking/loving someone because I have a fear of them leaving me or hurting me, but now I am even open to that possibility. Is it too late for me? Everyone already sees me as "the fun girl" so how do I change? How do I attract the right type of guys who are willing to love me for me?



  1. E,

    It's never EVER too late (:

    As for 'how to attract' guys willing to love you for you.... idk.. I don't know you.

    But I do know a lot of guys who are the 'relationship'-type guys. Sweet, accepting, considerate, stable... and all single. Granted, most of them go to my church... I don't know if you go to church.. but it's proven to be a good place to meet genuine people--at least for me... I guess there's probably a lot of fake people there as well... but that's life, isn't it? Full of fake people. Weeding through them to find the good ones is totally worth it though.

    One of the best ways to attract guys looking for sex is to dress suggestively (i.e. revealing, sexy, etc). While it DOES get the attention of the men in the room, it gets the attention of ALL the men in the room.

    Many guys who want relationships don't want to be their girlfriend's bodyguard, having to fight off (sometimes even literally fight off) all the guys that hit on her. At least that's how a guy friend of mine explained it.

    I guess the big questions are, "How well do you know yourself?" and "What kind of guy do you need/want?"

    Remember, our actions do not define us. Just because you haven't had many long-term relationships DOES NOT mean you aren't the 'type'. You choose who you are and your actions reflect what you believe yourself to be. Beliefs can always change. Always :)

    I know it's not that simple, and that there's a lot of psychosocial stuff that needs addressing. But, in this comment section, this will have to suffice (:

    If none of that was something you're looking for.... well, I wish you luck on finding your answers (:

  2. I usually don't leave comments but had to share this with you after reading this.

    I knew these two girls in high school, completely different except for the fact that they notoriously ran around with many different guys. Our junior year they both started dating these two guys (who themselves were not "relationship" guys).

    Six years later, both these girls are still with their men. One of them is even engaged.

    I guess my point is this: it is never too late & you can always find love no matter your past.

    Much luck to you in the future darling :]

  3. do the things you love to do and you'll meet him there :) go to events in the community or whatsoever---just wait, you'll see :)

  4. i know this might sound prudish but maybe try to hold off the physical aspects and the "hooking up" and get to know each other first? play a little hard to get sometimes, and this filters out the guys who aren't sincere or just want to mess around.

    just my thoughts :)

    and yes, 23 is really young still. i'm 25 and i haven't given up yet.


  5. I just wanted to tell you that i am just like you. Have even had the same thoughts.. (hope i did'nt spell something wrong.. i am actually from sweden)

    Good luck to you, and me maybe.

  6. you sound exactly like me. the younger version of me.

    it's never to late to change but more importantly, be comfortable with who you are. My friends call me the trouble magnet and no matter how i avoid them, they just come to me as if written all over my face.

    when i hit 23YO, i wanted something stable and sincere too. i wanted to have a boyfriend. i wanted to settle down. but it hit me worst and i told myself to give up. since then, i just keep my distance from everything and i stop searching. whatever comes, come.

    there's always someone out there. you just need to wait. it's not a no. it's not a rejection. it's a wait.

    but coz we have met so many men out there that we know exactly what we want. we know who he is and what he is after. you learn to filter and reject those who don't fit the bill.

    i'm not ready to settle down yet. i've commitment phobia. i'm seeing a few guys and i learn to protect myself. when it comes, you know you will let go all these and move on with the right guy.

  7. First of all: You need to have faith in love - love will show up whenever it's right.

    The thing I've learnt over the past few years is that all guys wan't sex (nothing new) but that's why you need to wait. Wait and see if he likes you for who you are, or he just like you as a one night stand. It's kinda like Peyton says in OTH: "in a way, it's like sex is the easy part. Giving your heart to somebody. that's the scary part"

    If you never dare to take a chance to show the guys you date that you actually care, you give them the wrong impressions - and that's why it never gets serious. No one wants to give their heart away if they feel rejected from the beginning.

    Another thing is, I think you should stop being with guys that you meet at clubs. It's much better to get on a real date, watch a movie, eat a lovely meat and get to know each other. But maybe that's the scary part? That you don't think people will like you, for who you really are? - But I'm sure that they will :-)

    The truth is, we're all afraid when it comes to love 'cause it's scary as hell and we don't have any guarantee for love to last - but if we never try we'll never know.

    If you need some dating advice you should try to watch 'Tough Love'. It's a tv programme with a lot of women who had no luck finding Prince Charming, so they get a lot of help from a dating expert. Really great show.

    best wishes, Debbie DK.

  8. you need to start having respect for yourself and keeping your legs closed until you actually find someone that reciprocates your feelings.

  9. It's never too late you know! Read Sherry Argovs book "Why men love bitches". Soooo good! :)

  10. There is nothing being the fun girl. It is just advisable not to be the easily available girl. Think about what kind of guys you like and hook up only with them. If you want love, you will find it, surely.

  11. I get so frustrated with people like you. You sleep around and jump into bed with any stranger you can find, and that's fine. But when you start crying about not being in a relationship - that bothers me. Because if you really wanted someone who really wanted you for YOU, then you would wait and see who really stayed, even if you kept your legs closed for some time.

  12. To the two "keep your legs closed" comments above:

    Try not to show your ignorance in public and try to be kind-hearted. Everyone has something others perceive in them to be faults, and everyone has reasons behind them. What are yours?

  13. when the author herself openly discloses that a typical night out involves men who find her attractive buying her drinks, and her dancing with them men until she ultimately finishes her night having just sex with them...... I don't think it can be that of an ignorant comment to suggest to her to keep her legs closed for most nights or to refrain from having mindless sex with strangers whom she has no concrete emotional connection with.

    you can't sugar coat genuine advice.
    if E was realated to me or even my Bff, I'd tell her the exact same.

    don't go to bed with men you know DON'T LIKE you enough to care if you got home well the next day and who dont ask you if that is what you really want. don't go to bed with men who can't pronounce your full name, who dont know your family pet, or even worse your childhood dreams and adult goals.

    change is possible for everyone. you just have to genuinely want it. start from within.

  14. I can relate to your experience. My biggest fear of al time is being rejected or left. So when I was younger I didnt let anyone get too close. Intimacy was out of the question... and the second it got too "close" I would run. I have had long term relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends, which is where we differ. But my relationships stayed very on the surface. I didnt want them to really know me because what if they didnt like who I was? or I wasn't good enough for them. So I'd play a game of push and pull. I'd reel them in and then push them away. It wasn't until recently after working on myself that I realized how irrational my ideas about love were. I was also known as the "fun girl" ... and it began to make me slightly uncomfortable because I wanted more but didn't know how to give it to myself.
    It wasn't until I met my most recent girlfriend that all of this changed. We met one night randomly through mutual friends and exchanged phone numbers. I didn't see her again in person for about three weeks. But in those three weeks we texted non stop and got to know each other. The build up of feelings and want for intimacy flooded when we finally saw each other again. It has been the most incredible experience ever. I consciously decided to take a chance and do everything differently then I was used to... and it was completely worth it.
    SO I guess what I am trying to say is hang in there... there is someone for you that will take the time to actually get to know you and who will be patient with you .. and when you find this person, take the chance because the worst that could happen is you learn and grow.

  15. omg this is my life in a nutshell. so crazy someone else is the same way.

  16. IT"S NEVER TOO LATE!! It'll happen for you, just like I'm sure it'll happen for me too.

  17. I say screw the boy that said you are not girlfriend material.

    Maybe not for him, but there is someone out there for you. You are my little sister's age and she continuously runs into roadblocks with guys. There is always something that she decides she doesn't like and out they go. She is the most loving girl ever as I can imagine you are.

    You will find someone, it will come when you least expect it. Because that is when of course all great things happen, when you least expect it.

    A Candid Life

  18. i can completely relate, let's all hope we'll get our one day some day.

  19. find someone and stay with him. sometimes its not easy, its hell-a scary to commit and that's the thing about love. its like giving part of you away and its scary, but when the right one comes along you'll know. it may take you a while to realize but don't be afraid to let yourself go. soar through the air fearlessly

  20. "Keep your legs closed" Have we time-warped to the 1920's? That's such a disgusting, degrading phrase and represents an attitude of guilt and prudishness towards sex that's pitiable. I can only imagine that anyone spouting those opinions is unintelligent, probably uneducated and - most likely - unorgasmic. You have our sympathy.
    Owning your sexuality and having fun with it is a simply great thing and when the time comes to settle down, the right boy will respect your self-possession and love that you're a sexually empowered woman. The boy who said you're not 'girlfriend material'? He was probably insecure, definitely small-minded, and thus certainly not somebody you want in your life. Keep doing what you're doing as long as it's safe and the sex feels great ;)But when you find someone you really care for, be open to the possibility of dedicating yourself to them exclusively. Because that's rewarding in a different but equal way.

  21. Could it be that I somehow wrote this story and posted it on to this site? I'm 1 year younger than you but apart from that I'd written exactly the same thing. I've never heard anything that I could relate to as much! So weird.

  22. I just had to make a comment on your post cause it seems like you definitely need help. You are absolutely NOT a lost cause.. you are 23 and young. The reason you haven't found a relationship guy is because, and i don't mean to offend you, but you seem to be kind of a slut. The guys around you see that you are the girl to go to if they want something casual and want to get laid so you attract them like magnets. Also when guys tell you that they like you because you are a girl who just likes to have fun: NOT GOOD because that's exactly what they will do with you: "have fun" and then leave when something else comes along. Also, many times these self proclaimed "non-relationship" boys leave girls like you because they fall in love with serious and sweet girls who would never have given in to them quickly. So they take that extra step and become committed to them.

    if you give guys what they want almost immediately what will keep them interested? Nothing, thats why they leave you.

    What you need to do when you find a guy you like is not have sex with them. Get to know them, spend time together doing non-sexual things, this will give you two a chance to see if things could go further. Also, when things do go further and you are a couple then still wait a little bit more for the sex. you can do other things in the meantime that aren't going on all the way. Finally, when you two are in a completely monogamous relationship, thats when you give him the green light to sex. I'm not telling you to wait forever, but wait until you know he is committed to you. When you feel that in the small things he does, then you can take it to sex. Also, if he's not willing to wait, that just means he only wants sex and girlie, you should run from a guy like that.

    So in summary don't jump into bed with them because then that is all you will be known for and all that boys will see in you. Respect yourself and they will respect you right back and will see that you have finally become girlfriend material.

    Hope this helps and best of luck!

  23. Great job, i loveeee your blog !! And good Luck for your love life :) Kiss from France . Marine .

  24. I think it's rather ignorant to think you'll end up in an intimate relationship by multiple one night stands.

    And also I wrote that it's fine to sleep around. Men do it all the time and so should women! What I wrote was that you can't sleep around and expect that you'll find your future husband. Sure it could happen, nothing is impossible, but one night stands kind of are mutual lust and a total lack of emotional commitment.

  25. I could really recognize myself in your text. Sometimes it's just nice to hear that your not alone having these feelings, thoughts or fate. I hope that love is waiting for us out there and that we will find it soon :)

  26. I kind of recognize myself in your text..

  27. all these comments about you being a slut and thats why your not finding anything serious are both untrue and riddiculus.

    what is true tho is that the signals you are comfortable sending out is "just sex". I do the same thing, but quite conciously right now. there was a time when it wasn't concious. the only way to make it stop is to start showing guys you could actually care about that you are interested in something else than just sex.

    its scary as fuck. and it will hurt and it will be uncomfortable but it will work. and also, idk how much you drink. but in my expereince, a guy who is willing to sleep with you the first time when ur really drunk doesnt care.

    I feel like going out and just not drinking is kinda effective. Anyway, I feel your pain. Youre not alone. Take care <3

  28. To 'S' who thinks the comments about 'keeping your legs closed' represent prudishness and ignorance.
    The fact is, guys can tell that this girl doesn't respect herself so why should they respect her? Is that old fashioned? No, not if that is what guys are thinking 'now' about this girl, ok?
    Any guy (good or bad) walking into a club can spot these types of girls a mile away. Sure, they will get all the attention, but not the kind this girl wants.

  29. You sound a bit like me, too many guys and I couldn't find one that fit. I'd get into something for awhile, and then suddenly something would snap with him or me and it'd be over.
    My friend said recently to me "Why do you keep running?"
    I didn't know what to say, but found myself saying "because there's nothing there."
    True, he agreed.

    But lately like someone who commented earlier, somehow I found myself with a guy who is not really the relationship type, and somehow we are working things out. I have NOT felt this way about anyone before. He tells me neither does he. Amazingly, we feel it and we know it.

    Dont give up. I turned 23 last September as well (:

    (First time commenting, just had to. X )

  30. I feel that this is the story of my life. I am finally evolving and wanting something more, but I have always been the one that's emotionally unavailable.

    When I do meet someone that likes me, I am terrified and end up running like hell in the opposite direction. I like getting that initial spark but it never happens with the right boy.

    Keeping my fingers crossed that someday the right one will come along.

  31. You ARE STILL very young! Oh sweetie.. things happen when they have to happen. You'll see :)

  32. It is DEFINITELY not too late for you! As a 28 year old in the mist of a horrendous divorce, I am starting to realize that IT'S NEVER TOO LATE to become more authentic in who you really are...

    The only person that could possible stand in your way is you... <3

    -The Butterfly

  33. I am your polar opposite and yet I relate to you so much. I'm a virgin, the one that's been called a "prude" or a "tease" either way, it's not easy. I have to believe there's to someone out there that can see through all the bs and love the human being underneath.

  34. love this story and its never too late. x

  35. im the opposite too, im the 23 yo virgin.. that doesnt have a boyfriend and its difficult for me the date thing... i dont know im just so weird i think that i dont give chances to the boys that want to date with me... and when i give chances it end up BAD... but i know that soon we will meet a good boy that loves us for what WE ARE... just i think you need to have PATIENCE and wait...

  36. I can relate to every single word in this text. I'm 23 and have gone through the same thing and are in the exact same situation. Even if there are times when I doubt, I think we will both find someone.

    The sex question is interesting... What I have learned from experience is that if I have a one night stand I have a hard time to feel something for that person. The two relationships I've been in I really got to know the guys before we had sex and before I could really let go of the fear of being rejected. I think that's how it works for me... I need to spend time with a guy and start feeling comfortable. All the sudden I realize that I can't stop seeing him...

    I think it's about spending time with someone and slowly letting go of the fear of being rejected that is the key...

    GOOD LUCK! <3

  37. i adore this. i feel the exact same way way too often. i find myself having to defend my choices against people who seem to delight in talking about me constantly. but the truth of the matter is, regret is for me to feel, and for me alone to affect my feelings. not for anyone else to use against my choices.

  38. I was so happy to read your post because i am a similar person.. the fun girl who guy's don't recognize as the relationship type. & i really did find a lot of the comments helpful and empowering. It's really hard to change the approach you have with guys though. I think what really matters is to know what you want and not settle for less or give into temptations.

  39. ask a guy you hook up with ..

  40. sleep with a nerd that you like

  41. What is possibly dischordant in others is a mirror reflection of ourselves. Are you ready to commit? Truly? Do you think maybe there is a part of you who is just too scared to be loved? Because that is the kind of person you will attract. A commitment-phobe. Until you heal that which is dischordant in yourself.
    I too was the 'party girl' and the chic that guys liked to hang with but did not consider to be 'relationship material'
    Now I realise it was because I ran away from commitment and therefore that is all I felt I 'deserved.'
    You are quite capable of being loved chica and being in a relationship. Everyone is! But you have to be willing to open your eyes to the good people who are out there. Which means changing your attitude. You are worth it!

  42. Stop trying to find your worth in men and find it within yourself. LOVE YOURSELF. Doing these things with these guys are saying " I don't really value myself and my emotions." and they will treat you as such. You are worthy of all the love on this earth. You have to believe it and you have to find a solid sense of who you are and he will come to you 100%. You DESERVE love. Everything, EVERYTHING stems from the core of you and you alone. Change your behaviors and your thoughts towards what is positive for you, not what will work against you (i.e. Guys using you for sex.) LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE YOURSELF. It is not too late.

  43. i totally understands you ... maybe the same feeling i have that its too late for love

  44. Yeah I always liked to do whatever I want, trouble always find me too, I just had 2 relationships in my life, curiously I'm never looking for them, they just find me and things happened, I'm always clearly, I'm not looking for relationships and also not looking for sex all the time, I like to work, I own a small business and always keep me busy, sometimes I like to go a bar and just sit and watch tv or talk to the bartender or anyone I don't care I just like to talk, I'm 23 and I wonder just like you if I'm gonna possibly love or be loved someday, or I will finish alone, but life is like this, if I will be alone ok, if not, ok, it can't be helped, but if you lose hope, you already lose everything.
    Good luck

  45. It won't really have effect, I think this way.

  46. Girls like you are the reasons why we young stable guys don't have faith in your kind any longer (well, most anyway, as they say there will always be one young woman out of a thousand).

    Study, work, run or jog/exercise, read books for hobby, learn how to cook, read history.

    Keep your legs closed, lol.


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