it was not

ffffound/tumblr

wasting ink

unefille1

Simon, I can't stop wasting ink on you. Your name clings, suspended from the tip of my pen as I drag you over my paper, again and again. You leave a messy streak on everything you touch, the coffee stains on my teak table. And even with you gone, Simon, they're still there. Round reminders of what went wrong. You had the knack of making everything cluttered, always took up too much space, too large for my tiny apartment. Even now, you fill my room with mountains of crumpled notes, sonnets and elegies, novellas. They say it's inspiration but, really, Simon, it's invasion. Every inch of you fills my notebooks, makes the pages cramped. Nothings changed and I'm tired of writing about you, how you always tucked your fingers in my pockets, as though you couldn't hold me any closer. The way you sighed in your sleep. You're gone Simon, and all you've left me with is endless cursive, odes to your lips, the way they stayed limp, suspended at your sides, did nothing to stop me from walking away. My margins are full. There is no more room to breath, my heavy pen, the weight of your hand in mine. A thousand miles apart and Simon, you're still bleeding all over my paper. Ink running down the pages stains my finger tips blue. The color of love.

your scars

thanks alice!

somewhere along the way

tumblr

four years ago he gave me butterflies. one night i grabbed his hand and the rest is history so to speak. we spent days and months and years learning everything about each other. we became best friends and fell in love simultaneously. it feels like we created a whole life together, a whole world that only the two of us understood. we loved each other wholeheartedly. we gave everything we could give. we became comfortable and we we're happy in our comfort. then somewhere along the way we became dependent and routine. and now our comfort almost makes me cringe. our world feels different. i am happy being next to him: taking a walk, watching a movie, sharing a meal. we still laugh and talk and get along well. but when he touches me i don't feel much. he tries to kiss me passionately but my lips feel nothing. in privacy i think about the way i used to feel next to him and i cry. i think of leaving him and the tears fall heavier. i don't want to ever not know him. his embrace is still warm as is his presence. but i no longer find myself wanting to sleep in his arms or share my every thought with him. i feel like i am slowly slipping away and he is grasping for me. i feel like i have little left to give. but i still spend all of my time with him. i still reach for his hand when we walk through the park. i still lay my head on his shoulder. i still hug him tightly when we say goodnight. he is my best friend and i love him too much to break his heart.
-caitlin

she wants to know

weheartit/tumblr

patience

unicornology

Our patience payed off.

We dated for a winter. It was real love. So powerful for both of us that we didn't know how to handle it. It got weird and she split in the spring. I didn't try to stop her. We were too young.

The next 8 years were self indulgent for us both. I thought of her sometimes, but it wasn't in the front of my mind because all that space was occupied with selfish thoughts. I dated plenty of other people. She dated plenty of other people. All of them were kept at arm's length. None of them mattered even though they thought they did.

Then we started talking again. She was still on the west coast; I was on the east. We got together for a weekend after all those years and it was more than we could have imagined. We simply hugged. The hug lasted for an hour. Her smell, her little moans, her skin, her lips, were all so reminiscent. It suddenly made sense why nothing had made sense for so long. We had truly found love before we were ready for it and now it had come back. So after a few more dates I asked her to marry me. She said yes before I finished asking.

We are so happy together. We both have a tremendous sense of pride for waiting and not settling. We have the kind of love that makes other people realize that they can do better. They can make themselves happy while making someone else happy too. We have the kind of love that books are written about and we feel so lucky to have led our lives in a way that nothing was done on a whim in our youth to fuck it up in the present. For us leaving it alone was the only way to save it, and now that it has come back around we are satisfied by how much we had to go through to get to here. This should be encouraging to everyone out there wondering if they have found it.

It may take longer than you want. The pain in the interim may seem unbearable. You may be tempted to settle on the way. You may think you have found it only to realize you are not sure. Outside pressure may push you in directions you are uncomfortable with. But, we are living proof that it does happen and it can happen to you too. Be strong and resilient. When it hits you it will knock you off of your feet and you will know that your patience paid off.

Mac and Ruby

we are eachother

tumblr/weheartit

please help

insajd.tumblr

I have a bit of a love situation that I'm trying to figure out. I'm really confused and could use some advice.

About a year and a half ago one of my clients got a new business partner. Right away I could tell that he was attracted to me and I thought that was cute. He is kind of cute, too, but not exactly my ideal. I kind of wondered if I could get him to ask me out on a date, which is a bit strange for me since I have never dated a client in all of my ten years of working in my families business. After a few months he asked me out and I thought ' sure, why not - live a little ', so I said yes and gave him my number. He was really cute about asking me out and said he never dated anyone he worked with before but he really liked me and wanted to anyway, he also said he didn't really want my other clients to know about it right away. That was O.K. with me because being a woman in a mostly completely male industry I didn't want everyone to think that I was available. And then he never called. So, I figured he got cold feet and thought better of it. Whatever, right?

Seven months later I'm in his office and he asked me if I remembered him asking me out , I said yes, and he said that he realized that if things didn't work out that his choices would effect his partners and that's why he didn't call and had waited all this time until there was no one else in the office so he could talk to me in private. He said he still liked me and thought maybe we could be friends instead and asked if we could go have coffee or drinks some time - he still had my personal number. So, again, I said that's fine - friends are good. He didn't call. I'm starting to wonder what's up with him. So, I decide to call him up ask him to go some where with me and find out if he's for real or not. I call and he's really happy to hear from me and we go out that night - as friends. As soon as I meet him in the restaurant he's being much more boyfriend than friend. Complimenting me, flirting, even feeding me food ( which I thought was kind of strange but sweet ) trying to kiss me. He sent me a nice text message the following morning.

The following weekend we go out again - as a date, since clearly he really wanted to date. We go out for the day together and he gets really serious - like he's all over me, said I could move into his new apartment with him, mentioned children, having a puppy and traveling together. At one point of the date after things were not going so well ( he had annoyed me ) he took a nap on the chair and I stepped out of the room for a minute when stepped back in and saw him asleep on the chair I actually felt myself calm down in one second and felt attached to him - I could literally feel the sensation- that had never happened to me before. Well, I was kind of blown away. I wasn't sure what to do about all this. Was he lying to me to get me to sleep with him,was he crazy, did he mean it? I mean , aren't guys supposed to hate commitment and being tied down? I thought he was lying. I mean, how do you go from let's be friends to have my children in a week??? I was overwhelmed because we work together and I had just taken over my families business and my family life was chaotic, I didn't know what to do with this guy. Plus , I didn't think we had a lot of chemistry. So, I talked to him a couple of days later on the phone and told I didn't think we should keep seeing each other outside of work since I just took over the business and we work together. I didn't mention I thought he was just trying to get me into bed and I didn't think we really had any chemistry. I was relieved to get it all over with.

The next time I see him at work, though, he won't really look at me and seems pouty and he didn't shake my hand - he always shook my hand. I stepped out of the office and felt bad. On the drive home I just got worse and started crying in the car like crazy , gushing tears. When I got home I went to bathroom still crying for like 20 minutes. I have NEVER cried like that about a guy before in my entire life. I just kept thinking I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't think you meant it. Because if he were lying to me before he wouldn't have really cared. So, a couple of week later I go back to his office. At his desk he looks at me and asks if I missed him. Well, I had to say yes, because I really, really had missed him. He shakes my hand this time and then he pulled me in and kissed me - there was more chemistry this time, it was short and sweet. He wanted to go out again, but I told we shouldn't because we work together.

So , this happens a few more times. I go to his desk to pick up the check and he starts touching my arm, rubbing my waist, kissing me, and pulling me back for more when I tell him I have to go. I told him that I like him, but he's moving to fast and only kissing in his office is ridiculous and we have to talk. He was fine with that but I didn't set a time to talk because of family stuff at the time. So, some time passes and I haven't really seen him much because his business has slowed down over the winter. I send him little e-mails of Facebook on the holidays. He usually responds but says very little. I don't know if he's moved on or if he doesn't like writing in English since it's his third language. I haven't seen him in two months so I sent him an e-mail to see how he was doing and he didn't write back but a couple of days later he sent me three Valentine's Day cards on Facebook.

So, for extra added confusion:
He said he didn't want his partners to know about us, but the way they were acting lately I know he must have told them. My Dad works with me in the business and my Father really does not like him and he knows it - he thinks my Dad is why I broke it off.

I've had four or five dreams about him.
I broke it off and we're still friendly.
Sometimes I think he's more attractive than other times.
When I'm just sitting across the desk from him I blush like crazy all over my body - he's noticed, it's embarrassing.
He wasn't really what I had in mind , but I can't get him out of my mind. I think about him ALL THE TIME.

If we get together and have children, because of the nature of my work I won't be able to keep and do my business. My income will be gone. And I currently help my family financially.

If we get together my Father will be very mad at me and may never speak to/ forgive me.
His family may not like me because I am not of the same culture and though my faith is similar it's not the same.

I don't know what to do. I can't believe I went out with a guy twice and six months later he's the main thought going on in my mind. I've been trying really hard to be professional and adult about this. Am I dramatizing this? Is he playing a game? Did I over-react? Now I wonder if I just threw out a real shot at having the family I always wanted. I'm just surprised that maybe I want it with him? Seriously, if he starts rubbing my hips and kissing me again I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

It's sad to admit, but I've never been in love. Is this it???
I'm soooo confused. Please, help.

Thanks.

A

forever and always

ffffound + tumblr

emotional cheater

weheartit

Think of the word “cheat”. What images appear in your mind? A student peeping over his classmate’s test. Carlton Football Club. Secret rendezvous between a woman and a man.

And then there is the emotional cheater. There is no physical side involved in this form of infidelity, unless you think that touching yourself to fantasies of “the other person” is cheating. I don’t.

The emotional cheater may end up acting out those fantasies one day, if they’re lucky. Or unlucky – you be the judge.

I have never been involved with P. At least, not outside of my imagination. But there is still so much guilt associated with my thoughts of him. I find myself thinking of P when my boyfriend nuzzles my neck, or when he strokes my chest. I hate it when I have to fight the urge to push him away. I loathe myself when I pretend to be consumed in our intimate time. And the thought of breaking his heart breaks my heart.

No one ever thinks well of the cheater. Well let me tell you that it’s not easy, and I’m not even acting on my feelings! You think I enjoy the crippling guilt? I can’t even eat when I lunch with P, and I’m the type who polishes off whatever is put on their plate. Thinking of him makes me happy and sad at the same time – I smile and giggle to myself as I reminisce on what little time we’ve spent together, yet my heart is heavy and weighs me down like cement in water.

You think I don’t want to love my boyfriend as much as he loves me? Of course I do. But I can’t control these things, and this infatuation hasn’t faded like the little crush I had on a friend earlier on in this relationship. And to be quite honest, I don't think I want it to either.

It’s so incredibly difficult when you sit across the man you have been dreaming of, fantasizing about, running through your head over and over… And all you want to do is break that sexual tension, breaching those few inches between you and touch those beautiful, masculine, talented hands. You know you shouldn’t see him. You know you should stay far, far away, instead of trying to sneakily stand that little bit closer to him at the traffic light. But you just can’t resist.

I know that I will never make the first move. P won’t either. He assumes that I am happy, and he’s too much of a gentleman to come between a girl and her beau.

Maybe some things read better on paper. Maybe a relationship between P and I would never work out. That’s what I try to tell myself anyway.

I’m writing this on my way home from a lazy three hour lunch with P. I’ll be going to my boyfriend’s apartment tomorrow. I know that he’ll expect me to sleep with him. And I will. But I won’t be seeing my boyfriend’s face in my mind’s eye, and I’ll hate myself for it.

snow

erinnicole

it snowed again in the city, so this is perfect!
♥

love is love

ffffound

When people hear that I have a girlfriend, their response is always angry.
They use slurs and are generally very rude.

I don't understand. Love is love. Our relationship is great. We love each other. There are no arguments, ever. She makes me happy, and I make her happy.

We've all been together for two years. If It was legal where I live, I'd ask her to marry me.

When I told my mother about this, she scolded me and told me that I should be in a relationship with only guys, because that's the kind of thing that god approved of.

But like I said, It's been two years since she said that. In those two years, my mother has been in countless meaningless relationships with guys, over a hundred one night stands, and 'booty calls.'

It makes me wonder, is my meaningful relationship with a female worse than hundreds of meaningless relationships with males?
Is it really?

happy valentine's day! (or not)

i know the post is a little late, but i hope your valentine's was lovely!

if your day wasn't so lovely + you are tired of this "mushy feel-good celebration"
then head on over to BITTERSWEET where rick made an anti-valentine's post.
he put up a delicious recipe (i tried it!) that includes heart candies...

This recipe will give you an opportunity to break
all those annoying heart candies that are all around.

go HERE for rick's Broken Heart Bark recipe!!

xo
♥

ready

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Sometimes I feel that I have to stop reading this blog. Stop opening up Firefox and making two tabs, one for Facebook, and one for Le Love. I've been faithful to this site for almost a year now, and find myself getting upset if there hasn't been any new posts for awhile. I've been in a relationship for awhile now, and currently, as they always do, we've hit a rough patch. Every relationship has, at the very least, one. It's just something you go through, makes you stronger, makes you realize what you have is worth fighting for. It happens at every age, anytime, anywhere...under any circumstances it can strike. It just so happens that ours came at a time when stress levels are higher. Nonetheless, and out of the events that have already occurred, we come out stronger every single time.

However, you always go through those times where you don't feel it's something that will be easy to pull yourself out of. Sometimes you see yourself just sitting there, watching the person before you unfold. This beautiful person, a person who respects you, a person who's loyal, a person who you can go to with anything, a person who glows, a person who believes in you, a person who thinks your gorgeous, a person worth fighting for...a person you love and who loves you, that's what you realize more than anything in these times.

Right now, though, I feel weak. I get clingy, but it's never hit me this hard before. I forget the beauty of space. I have never felt this way for a person before, and as he's told me, he feels the same way. But sometimes, and just sometimes, i doubt our very existence...how did we get to where we are right now?

I want this to work out, but I need to teach myself the importance of space. The old conflict of Introvert vs. Extrovert.

it's hit me hard once again
but this time I'm ready...
I'm ready.

love text

ffffound

I want you to be the first person I wake up to and
the last person I sleep to, so I can dream of us. . .
and make these dreams a real day.

_____________________________________________________
also...
please please please take two seconds to vote for my friend!
he's in a comedy contest!
vote here: http://tinyurl.com/ykx5zrz
thank you!
xoxoxo

i just don't feel anything

unknown

My boyfriend and I have been going out for a little over eight months. I was happy. He was happier. I was never sure what love meant or if I loved him or not, but when he said the three magic words a couple months in I did too. Not just because he did, I really thought I did. He is the sweetest guy when you get to know him but tonight as I looked at him from across the room while hanging out with some friends, I realized that I didn't love him. Maybe I did in certain moments when we were together. Or maybe I loved the idea of him more that him in reality. Either way he was my first boyfriend so how could I know what love was?
Why couldn't this have come to me earlier? Not eight months in, after I have met his family and hung out with them. They like me and I like them. But I don't love him. He is perfect on paper, and so am I, and yet we are so not perfect together. I just don't feel anything when I look at him now. How do I get out when I don't want to hurt him? He loves me, he really does. And that's what kills me.
I hate myself for doing this to him, but I can't stay with him.
I am no poet or master with words like some of the people that send in their stories to this site, but I thought maybe writing down the way I feel could make it more real to me.

- JL

nowhere better

tumblr + flickr: whythelongface

optimistic

ffffound

he doesn't deserve me.

i know that that's what everyone's been telling me for months, and ive known it was true. but now i feel it. i feel it in my heart that i am too good for him. he wasn't any good for me. he hurt me, he rejected me, he made the corners of my soul cave in. he made me happy for such a short time, and even then it was full of ups and downs. and i deserve better than that. i deserve a boy that loves me, that truly knows me fully and completely and is in love with every bit of me. i deserve a guy that always wants to be with me and will do anything for me. i deserve a man who makes me happy.

and i believe he exists. i believe now that someday, i will find my perfect match. i haven't been optimistic in months. i've spent so much time alone, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart. and i haven't been able to see that this isn't the end. i'm young, i have the rest of my life ahead of me. one day, i will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. he exists. and it's okay if i don't find him anytime soon. i'm not going to go out there and search for him. because you know what? i do believe in soulmates. i believe that everyone has someone made just for them. and today, today i felt that hope inside of me. that i will find my soulmate. and that this guy, this stupid guy that broke me is not him. so why am i wasting my life crying over him? from now on, i'm just going to let go. i know i won't completely get over him right away, but i'm not going to spend any more time sitting at home when i could be living my life. i'm letting go of him because i don't need him.

i'm going to live. i'm going to have a love for life. and i'm going to be happy.

the only thing...

unknown

every person you know

tumblr

i want to meet every person you know - everyone you've ever come into contact with. every member of your family past and present, your old teachers and doctors, the croatian man who serviced you at the post office, girls who admire you from afar, been rejected by you, hate your guts, see you for exactly what you are. if i could meet them we would talk about you and i'd
stitch all these thoughts and opinions together so i know why i can't stop thinking about you.
-bee

beside me

madebygirl+tumblr

prince charming

daviddylanthomas

I feel ripped off by Disney movies. I grew up believing that my very own Prince Charming would find me, and it would be lovely, and I would be happy forever and there would never be a spider in the bath, or a blown light bulb when I’m home alone, or a rainy day when I missed the bus. My Prince Charming would never let me feel sad. I honestly believed that, because seeing is believing, and that was all I’d seen.

But I was little then, and now I am fourteen years old, and I wonder if Prince Charmings even exist. I know I’m too young to feel like this, but I’m glad of it. I’m glad I’ve realized now that even if I did find that perfect boy for me, sometimes spiders might still crawl up through the drain and I might only see them once I’d gotten all my bubble bath and candles ready. And I know that bus drivers are dickheads and won’t stop driving for someone who’s running to the stop, even if I do find the love of my life. I am glad that I know, now, that it’s okay if I never have a man like Prince Eric or Aladdin. Because Eric fucked a fish lady and Aladdin wears stupid pants anyway, and they couldn’t solve all my problems with a pretty song and dance.

So I feel ripped off by Disney movies, because they lied to me when I was just a gullible little kid, and made me wish I could go to a ball and find the love of my life. I feel ripped off, because they made me hope for something impossible. I feel ripped off, because what I’ve learned in my short life is not to believe what you see in movies. And now, if my very own Prince Charming came along, I wouldn’t even see him.

-lily

i'm waiting

ffffound