Wednesday, February 17, 2010

emotional cheater


Think of the word “cheat”. What images appear in your mind? A student peeping over his classmate’s test. Carlton Football Club. Secret rendezvous between a woman and a man.

And then there is the emotional cheater. There is no physical side involved in this form of infidelity, unless you think that touching yourself to fantasies of “the other person” is cheating. I don’t.

The emotional cheater may end up acting out those fantasies one day, if they’re lucky. Or unlucky – you be the judge.

I have never been involved with P. At least, not outside of my imagination. But there is still so much guilt associated with my thoughts of him. I find myself thinking of P when my boyfriend nuzzles my neck, or when he strokes my chest. I hate it when I have to fight the urge to push him away. I loathe myself when I pretend to be consumed in our intimate time. And the thought of breaking his heart breaks my heart.

No one ever thinks well of the cheater. Well let me tell you that it’s not easy, and I’m not even acting on my feelings! You think I enjoy the crippling guilt? I can’t even eat when I lunch with P, and I’m the type who polishes off whatever is put on their plate. Thinking of him makes me happy and sad at the same time – I smile and giggle to myself as I reminisce on what little time we’ve spent together, yet my heart is heavy and weighs me down like cement in water.

You think I don’t want to love my boyfriend as much as he loves me? Of course I do. But I can’t control these things, and this infatuation hasn’t faded like the little crush I had on a friend earlier on in this relationship. And to be quite honest, I don't think I want it to either.

It’s so incredibly difficult when you sit across the man you have been dreaming of, fantasizing about, running through your head over and over… And all you want to do is break that sexual tension, breaching those few inches between you and touch those beautiful, masculine, talented hands. You know you shouldn’t see him. You know you should stay far, far away, instead of trying to sneakily stand that little bit closer to him at the traffic light. But you just can’t resist.

I know that I will never make the first move. P won’t either. He assumes that I am happy, and he’s too much of a gentleman to come between a girl and her beau.

Maybe some things read better on paper. Maybe a relationship between P and I would never work out. That’s what I try to tell myself anyway.

I’m writing this on my way home from a lazy three hour lunch with P. I’ll be going to my boyfriend’s apartment tomorrow. I know that he’ll expect me to sleep with him. And I will. But I won’t be seeing my boyfriend’s face in my mind’s eye, and I’ll hate myself for it.


  1. love these tattoos


  2. I relate to every single word of this.

  3. perfectly said.
    love the tattoos as well.

  4. I understand that you must be feeling utterly confused now. But do know that your boyfriend deserves the truth. Imagine if you were in his shoes..

  5. I am going to be blunt and it will sound harsh.
    From what I've read, it seems you don't love your current boyfriend AT least, you obviously do not respect him. Two years ago, I was in a similar situation, but I was the one being emotionally cheated on. I don't want to tell you what to do with your situation, but it sounds like you are being fake to both your boyfriend and to your self...and for what reason? To keep your boyfriend's feelings from being hurt? Bowl. Shit. If you really care, you'll let him go so that he can find some one who is mutually in love with him...and don't YOU also want to be mutually in love with your partner??
    You can very well possess love for one who is not your match relationship-wise.
    Again, I don't mean to lecture...just felt a strong need to express my opinion. Good luck.

  6. I can imagine how you feel, because I'm in a similar situation.

    My advice is to go for P. Just tell him. Otherwise this will never end. I know it's hard, but even if he doesn't reciprocate you will be able to move on.

    Good luck :)

  7. "I’m writing this on my way home from a lazy three hour lunch with P. I’ll be going to my boyfriend’s apartment tomorrow. I know that he’ll expect me to sleep with him. And I will. But I won’t be seeing my boyfriend’s face in my mind’s eye, and I’ll hate myself for it."

    I don't think you should sleep with somebody when you don't even enjoy his presence. If I were you I wouldn't do it because I think it would be a waste of my time and effort. If I were you I would break up with him right now because I know I don't love him anymore, and I would rather choose to be single. And about you and P, I think you shouldn't feel so pessimistic! I thought this guy would never like me in my whole entire life too but in the end he told me he fell for me at first sight!

    THIS IS JUST MY OWN OPINION. Maybe your relationship with your bf now is complicated, or you have your own difficulties, that's why you are hesitating. In anyway, I hope you make a good choice and take care alright! God bless :)


  8. Listen, this boy that you are currently dating is in love with you and you're giving him the illusion that you are happy with him but you are kidding yourself and him. It makes me cringe to read this story because my boyfriend did the same thing to me. He left me and went after one of his best girl friends but she turned him down then came back to me and i thought he was in love and a few months down the road he left me again. And guess who he went after? And who he spent the following weeks depressed over because she wouldn't be with him? Yep, her. So i guess the whole time he was into someone else.

    It killed me, it hurt so badly, and two months still hurts but i'd much rather be hurting than be content in a crappy, loveless relationship. So do him a favor, hurt him for his sake.

    And you need to be happy too. You don't sound like a terrible person, you just aren't in love any more. Shit happens. Be strong, let him go, and evaluate what you want.

  9. Oh come on, I understand that your situation sucks, you never want to hurt someone you care about. But please, don't be a martyr!

    The only right thing to do - no matter what happens with you and P - is to break up with your boyfriend. He deserves to be able to move on sooner rather than later, 'cause you know your love wont grow just because you want it to. Anything else is just selfish.

    Good luck with everything!

  10. Iry to stay away from P cos things may become worse...and I think that your boyfriend deserves to know the truth. If you don't tell him the truth, then (and excuse me!) you're cheating him TWICE!

  11. I understand exactly how that feels, or maybe I don't really, since I am someones "mr P." And I know that she's interested, and I know that she wants me, but she's in a relationship that she doesn't want to destroy, and I'm to scared and nice to destroy it forh her.

  12. i can imagine how torn you's never easy to break someone's heart.

  13. This is exactly where i am - only i just got back from a concert with my P, not lunch. Worse still, i've known him since we were 6 years old and realized i loved him (and have tried to get over him) for years.
    I love my boyfriend, but he's not my P.

  14. Also, to those who say cut the shit and break up with the boyfriend: it's not easy to be in love with two people at once, and know the one you have is not the one you want to want you.

  15. Nice photos...If you want visit my blog

  16. You can not stay with your boyfriend just because you're afraid that a relationship with this P guy won't work out.

    If you do not love your boyfriend, don't stay with him. It does not matter if you have someone waiting for you, or not.

  17. its scary to leave someone and i guess your thinking you could end up with nothing if P doesnt like you the same way. But you shouldnt stay with your boyfriend if you know how you can feel about someone else, or that your thinking of them when your with your boyfriend. Youll end up with a lot more if you break up with him and youll leave the guilt behind.

  18. I don't get this. If you feel that way, why are you still torturing yourself? Break up with him and give it a try. There's nothing you can lose except a lousy relationship. I think you have to give it a try. And it certainly isn't fair to your bf to be thinking about someone else, when he thinks all you see is him. Why be with someone whom you don't seem to respect at all?

  19. I agree with the third anonymous comment. It was a great comment, strong comment and though your situation is delicate, complicated and hard for everyone, but this is not a life, not for him, not for you. It won't lead you anywhere..
    Keep it strong and do it for the good cause..

  20. i think that sometimes, when we are in certain stages of life, it /is/ scary to know that there's the possibility to end up alone.

    do you want to act on your feelings, or was this post just a stress relief thing? i mean, it takes a lot of strength to make a decision... i could tell you, as some did, the right thing to do. but i don't know if there's a "right" thing to do, you have one and possibily i would have an entire different "right" option on my book.
    i don't think that this is a matter of you not loving your current boyfriend, you are just constantly getting a reminder of the existence of P.

    going back to what i first said, i can tell that months ago i would talk to P and try to understand if he felt something for me. if yes then you three would have a problem. if not i could have (among so many others) two options:
    to tell my boyfriend what happened and decide, together, what to do --
    or to be with my boyfriend never telling him a thing, being this the "knowing nothing is better than knowing at all" part. this could lead to many issues -- true --like getting over somebody while trying to be with someone else (but/although it is said that there's nothing better than a love to forget another).
    i was really scared to end up alone.

    where i am at now i would certainly try to understand if this is just a fling or a real love. if it is love then i would break up with my boyfriend for many reasons. to have the chance to (try to/) be with someone else and understand what i wanted, not granting anything to anyone, and to discover what i wanted for me. all this because i'm in a stage of life when i'm really not that scared to be alone.
    the question of timing is a whole different story. you may never have the chance to be with these people again, or maybe your chances have passed or are still to come.

    whatever you do i only wish you do it according to where you're at, what place, what stage of life. and if you need some company - because the best way for me to make a decision is to not think about things, the answer always pops into my mind - than watch Wong Kar Wai's films because a major theme among them is the question of timing between people.

    and sorry if i just analised this too much. i decided to not post anything many times but... what the heck!

    (i will not read my comment once i've written it due to my laziness, sorry if there are any mistakes, haven't written in english for a long time)

  21. Your story resonnates with mine.

    I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy, and we've been tgt for over a yr. I knw his family and friends and we're a huge part of each others' lives. he's my best friend.

    more than half a yr ago, i met this woman. we just clicked and started making plans to spend time outside of work tgt. i realised that i had romantic feelings for her, but it was all v new, strange and i didn't knw hw she felt, so i kept it quiet. she knew frm the strart i hv a boyfriend.

    one day, out of the blue, she told me she has a gf whom she had been with for 5 yrs, and asked me if i knew abt it. then she told me she was attracted to me.

    it's been abt 4 months since, and i see her almost everyday, and i think of her all the time. and yes, it is possible to want to be w 2 people at once.

    i love my bf, and i hv feelings for her. i knw my bf is someone who is in for the long haul, and much much more compatible w me. but you re right.

    "I know that he’ll expect me to sleep with him. And I will. But I won’t be seeing my boyfriend’s face in my mind’s eye, and I’ll hate myself for it. "

    i dont hv the heart to break up with my bf because i am afraid, and because i love him as a person, v v much.

  22. Thank you all so much for the comments and advice. I've been with my boyfriend for a very, very long time. We've talked about moving in together, getting married - all that sort of stuff. We also have so many mutual friends, most of whom he knows through me, so I don't want to take them away from him either. IF we do break up, I'm obviously not going to stop him from seeing them, but there will still be an element of awkwardness, no?

    And it's not that I don't love him, because I still do. Love doesn't just disappear. It's not "a lousy relationship", but there is no more fire or passion, no more excitement. We've grown too comfortable with each other and our relationship has stagnated.

    I think Anon (6:35 AM) is right. I am always being reminded of P. I'm always looking on his Facebook and Twitter. I think of him all the time, but the feeling fades when we have been apart for a period of time. Then I see him, and it all comes flooding back.

    I know I need to make a decision and that I'm being very unfair and very selfish. But it's a tough choice to make. I need to think about this.

  23. We can like two person at one time. But Love is a different thing altogether.

    Love is a choice, and it is about commitment. When you choose to make that commitment, it means saving and keeping your heart only for that person. It's not just what your heart feels, or how you go gaga over this girl/guy you just know and maybe not even understand.

    Seems like the boyfriend's fate is in your hands. Either you free him, as well as yourself, or you hold on to him selfishly until you even decide you want to love him or not. There is no fairness, but you should think twice on what Love is to you at all.

  24. Sounds like you are really in a very rough place right now. While I can't say I have experienced what you're feeling right now, I have recently left my boyfriend - fiance actually because of doubts I was having with our relationship.

    You owe it to yourself to do what's best for you. Decisions like this are hard and the baggage after the breakup can be even worse, but things get better. I'm sure your boyfriend will be mad and upset should you choose to end things, but it's better to end things now than after they've progressed to a point where things are even more serious.

    You currently don't live together, which is a plus - no division of properties/assets. You have mutual friends, but when things like this happen, there usually are casualties in the process. Those who are your real friends will continue to be your friend regardless of the decisions you've made. You shouldn't be afraid to stand up for yourself and your happiness because of fear. Feel free to specify to these mutual friends that there's no need to pick favourites.

    If you break up there most definitely will be awkwardness, but eventually if things have stagnated like you say they have, he may begin to realize that he was also unhappy. After he's moved on and understands maybe you can both continue a relationship as friends.

    Best of luck!

  25. I have been, where you are now and totally understand. It's not all black and white, such as "you don't love your boyfriend". I am pretty sure you do, cause you are still with him. But then, there is this other guy, who has so much to offer and who might be a good match as well. What to do? I have no idea. I stayed with my boyfriend, we got married, we have a child. The other one still is my best friend. My soulmate. It might have worked out or not. I have no idea, but we talked it out and realized, that we'd prefer a life-long friendship and not take the risk of a relationship, that might have failed.

    No idea, what works for you, but I hope you'll find a way of dealing with this.

  26. So, I will try to give advice - even though I'm still clueless. Basically I'm in the same situation, although I'm married. Sounds bad, yes? Unfortunately I met my "P" when I was engaged, 6 years ago and I couldn't stop things, much like you feel like it would be hard to stop things. I love my husband, but he isn't 'p'. sound familiar? It's not going to change for you - you'll always wonder. We are still best friends - have tried not talking, have tried it all...nothing will change with our love for eachother. I know I'm not being fair to an amazing husband, but things aren't black and white and no one can understand unless they've been in the situation.
    We never know anything, we never know if anything will work out - but i would say that you should try it with P or you'll always think about it. Does he feel the same way?
    Either way, make a decision and stick with it and work hard for it. Or else you'll stay confused...forever!

  27. A woman´s heart is an ocean of secrects. If emotions where linear than there wouldn´t be so much chaos in the world. It is possible to be attracted to more than one person... it´s even possible to love more than one person. Fidelity is determined by the values you stick to and the choices you make - not your thoughts. Your thoughts, mind, imagination should be free to expand as a creative mind should - take from them only what you want for yourself and be what you decide with no regrets.

  28. You have to tell him the truth. Tell him that you love him but there is someone different in your mind. You must stop cheating him because you are just cheatin you...and someday you wont have the same strongness of today to continue this lie. It's better for everyone!


  29. it's not an easy situation... i understand you completely..
    i know it's really difficult to stay away.. but sometimes what you really enjoy feeling is that sexual tension.. and after that, there might be nothing left. just a mistake, and more guilt..

  30. Just from listening to you question your emotions, i can tell you care about your boyfriend. I think that's what some of these people leaving comments forget, is that you do actually care even if it may not sound like it.
    I've been in similar situations where i'm the one in your shoes and the first time it happened, i knew it wasn't fair to the boy i was seeing thats why i never made it official. The problem was, my love and I couldn't be together because of circumstances (time and distance). As time went on, I found someone who i could care about just as much as my old love and even still the issue of fairness came up in our relationship. I just want to tell you that if you really care about your boyfriend, i mean really, really like him and care then stay with him. But don't do it because you feel bad or because you don't think you and P. will have a chance. If P. is the one that makes you smile, and if he consumes all your thoughts, then go for him. But in the end one will always need to out weigh the other.
    Best of luck! xxo

  31. Oh I so totally relate to this. I had this wonderful boyfriend and we were very much in love. We were also very suited for eachother, and he treated me very well. Then I met this other guy. From another country. Far away. And I fell for him. I really didn't want to do that, I wanted to be with my boyfriend. He who lived in the same country as me. And I wanted to love him as much as I knew he loved me. As much as I used to love him. But I wasn't anymore. And when I realized that I had to break up with him. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Eventually I did get together with the other guy, and I am happy. It's not easy, him living so far away and it breaks my heart that I can't see him for long long times. But I do love him. And he loves me. And really, that's all that matters.

    Good luck, and let yourself be happy.

  32. there are so many different levels of cheating...all are the same in my book. I vote for having the guts to go after who you really want from the start and if you can't have them-wait it out. One day your heart and head will be in sink again and you can finally move on without emotionally cheating anybody or yourself out of something real & solid!

  33. "Cheating" --calling it cheating -- is such a socially induced form of guilt. Have you ever thought that monogamy is actually NOT natural? That being with JUST one person is not what we would have done with ourselves if we were born into a society that didn't inundate us with ideals of THE ONE? That it is natural to have crushes, fantasies, and even fall in love with more than one person (yes, even at once)!

    Now, having said that, truth is always the best option. Being honest with yourself, then being honest with your lover. But it takes a while to realize what you want. Follow your heart and don't feel guilty about it. Just because you are into P doesn't mean that you don't LOVE your man, in a different way. Humans need variety in all their interactions. You are still a good person -- enjoy what you were meant to enjoy, and be honest to everyone about it!

  34. I consider myself another "P". I've been emotionally involved with a guy for the last 2 months even though he has a girlfriend.

    As "P" myself I can offer the other point of view...if this guy actually likes you its just cruel seeing him and in a way keeping his hopes up. He might be too nice to interfee with your relationship but doesnt mean he is ok with it, i'm pretty sure its clear what you feel for eachothers.

    My advice is to seriously reconsider your realtionship with your boyfriend, not necesserly to end up with P but just for the sake of it. Its not fair being with a guy while your heart and mind are somewhere else.

    If you decide to stay with your boyfriend though, I think is extremely important to cut all the contacts (as much as possible at least) with P, otherwise you will just end up with the same situation again and again...

  35. I can relate to everything you've said. A year ago, I was in a similar situation. The boy I 'fell' for turned out to be a crush but it was a crucial event that helped me realise that something was wrong in my relationship: he wasn't the one for me. 6 months ago I finally had the courage to break up with my ex and although it was a very trying period because I was emotionally dependent on him (although no longer in love), I do not regret what I did. I'm still learning to be emotionally independent but I'm alot happier with my current boyfriend :) My advice is to be brave. One-sided love affairs can be extremely torturous for both parties.

  36. I actually know exactly where you are coming from. I am in an emotional relationship with someone who isn't my bf of two years. Its awful because I find myself very excited to see this man everyday at work. He makes me feel pretty, smart, perfect. of course, my bf made me feel that way too but 2 years later that honeymoon stage has died off and this new found flirtation is much more intriguing. I cannot let it lead to anything though. I am truly in love with my bf and he is my soul mate. But you just never know who will connect with, who you'll really find yourself clicking with. Just be honest to yourself. Realize what is reality and what you really want.
    Good luck.

  37. Oh and I was with my ex for a several years too. Knew his family, friends, and he knew all of mine. He was like a brother to me - and that was part of the problem. And yes it could be that the relationship stagnated. At this point I guess it's up to you to discern whether or not it's a relationship worth (and possible) to rejuvenate or one that wasn't 'right' to begin with.

  38. This comment has been removed by the author.

  39. The exact same situation happened today. Even his name starts with P. SHIT.

    but he probably doesn't like me that much & i don't want to destroy the relationship i have right now

  40. only years can allay crazy feelings. believe me.. and engender peace in heart.

  41. the only note of the relationship between you and your boyfriend seem to be sexual. doesn't seem like you care for him at all. Maybe he's just there for your pleasure. You decide.
    This post is majority about P so i'm guessing you care way more about him than you do your boyfriend. so do him and yourself a favor.

  42. Listen to me,
    I haven't read what these people told you in order not to be influenced by their answers. I will answer you as if you are my sister or my best friend-without judging and with lots of understanding and love.
    I don't think you are meant to be with your boyfriend. You can't make yourself love him, it just doesn't happen that way no matter how much you want it to. No matter how bad you want it. I know it would make things easier but the fact is, you can't. You need to accept that. The fact that your boyfriend loves you doesn't mean you have to love him back. Love isn't something you have to give back when you're given that. You can't help it if you have feelings for the gentleman you mention. And I know you don't want to break your boyfriend's heart. Believe me, I understand and it breaks my heart.
    I know it's easier said than done but you need to leave your boyfriend. You owe it to him and yourself to tell him that you need to break up. You dont have to tell him you don't love him. Just tell him, you need space. Be firm no matter how much he tries to get you back, no matter how much he cries, stay firm. YEs you will break his heart in a million pieces but he will heal eventually and he will be free to find the one for him and you will be free to find the one for you.
    you don't have to stay with him.
    Follow your heart. ALWAYS. Dont try to reason with it. Think of you. Are you happy? Would you be happy if the love of your life pretented to love you back? Wouldnt you ratehr that he left you if he didn't love you?
    Think about it. Put yourself in his shoes. It's better for the both of you to break up. You think you are avoiding him a heartbreak. Do you expect to eventually fall in love with him? You wont. You are living a lie and you will continue to if you dont leave him. NOW.
    You are slowly killing him even if he doesnt know it. And the longer you stay with him, the more you are hurting him. Believe me, you are not protecting him.
    Please please do leave him. Don't be a coward and stay for his sake. Dont be a coward. Set your heart free.Set yourself free. Set him free. It's the right thing to do for your heart, your mind and for him. If you care about him, you will stop pretending.
    You will continue to hate yourself as long as you dont listen to your conscience You're lucky it still talks to you. That means you still havea heart. Dont waste it trying to love someone else. The heart wants what it wants. Dont waste it. Your love isnt for him to take, your heart decided that. You cant control it, so just follow it. Have courage, be brave. Im behind you every step of the way.
    I hope that you will find the strenght to do this. You will feel liberated.
    Please don't just ignore this.
    You can email me at if you feel like talking.
    Good luck :)
    Your sister from the internet.

  43. I guess it's gonna be tough but sometimes, you should just let the truth be known. Or the very least you can do for your current boyfriend will be to let him go. Because letting him go is equivalent to letting yourself go. And from there, perhaps you can deal with P? At least, you wouldn't be trapped like how you're now. Good luck and always stand firm in the choices you make!

  44. gurl let me tell you. You obviously have lost interest in your relationship with your boyfriend if you've found your mind wandering and thinking about other guys. It's okay, it happens, you meet and date tons of people and learn from it etc (until you possibly meet the one where you don't care about anyone else but them) so do the right thing..end it now. Because what are you going to do? Keep this up and hope your feelings fade for P and everything will go back to normal with your boyfriend? How long will that take? Imagine how he would feel if he found out you've just been sticking it out because you felt bad (for him), the longer you're with him, the worse it all gets? I don't know..excuse the redundancy and possible misunderstanding, it is oh so very late here and I have not read the other comments. I think you know what to do, you just need a little push. It may be too hard to remain friends or whatever in the end, but you'll spare the both of you a lot trouble and heartbreak..also, make sure P is really the real deal. My friend was in the same situation as you and she broke up to be with the guy and after he finally got to sleep with her after a month, ended up calling it quits. Then that messed her up and she started rebounding off of every guy and she just..didn't handle things well. Not saying that's going to happen to you, just sharing experience. I appreciate the candidness by the way, I sincerely hope everything works out!

  45. this was so eloquent and heartbreaking. i can relate because i'm going through something similiar right now. you are causing yourself a lot of pain by pretending. really listen to yourself, what you are feeling and be truthful. don't think about what other people will think of you. i think you know what you need to do, you just need to muster up the courage to do it. yes, your boyfriend will be hurt, but it will only get worse and harder to break off down the road. take it from me: married, kids, commitments, etc. make it much more complicated and messy. you seem like a person who can do this with a lot of compassion and grace. i wish you the best of luck :)

  46. as with so many others on the long list of comments here, I too have been where you are... its hard. What's harder is to honour the love and friendship you have with you bf and be present with him in the moment when you are together. This I feel is the most important thing for you to start working on. I chose to leave my husband of 7yrs but it was not because i wanted to be with P... it was because as a result of the intense feelings I had for another that made me question if I was being fair to myself and my husband. I wasn't being fair... there were serious issues that I had to make a decision about and P was just a catalyst to bring it all to the surface for me. You may not have issues in your relationship with your bf, maybe you do, but whether this turns out a crush, an obsession or a match made to be, you'll never give yourself a chance at really figuring it out until you discipline yourself to be PRESENT and in the moment while you are in the company of your bf.... save the daydreams and imaginings of P for when you are alone, be aware of your thoughts about P, your bf AND yourself, and you may just figure it all out!

  47. ps... I wish you all the best, remember every storm passes and the sun comes out again!

    pps... pro's and con's list of all your options really help to give you clearer perspective


  48. This has happened to me before. Feelings just happen. They can't be forced. And with that.. you should follow your heart. If your heart truly was with your bf.. your mind wouldn't be wandering off with P.

    Your boyfriend deserves to know the truth. (well maybe you dont' need to tell him specifically about P) but that your feelings are not all there like he believe them to be.

    Trust me. It may be the hardest thing but with time.. everything will sort itself out. You can't fake love. It's unfair. And as much as your boyfriend deserves to be happy, you do too!

    When I had broke off my relationship with a guy for this exact reason.. it felt like a huge weight was taken of my shoulders.. It was HARD.. but.. i did feel a huge sense of relief.


  49. Hmm. This sounds all too familiar. Trust me, when you DO breach the lines of boundaries with P {and at this rate you will}, you will wake up the next day with a feeling in the pit of your stomach that won't go away. It will become your new obsession.

    I suggest you don't let that happen. Forget this P character and be with your man. Or, if you choose, try the P route and see where it takes you. But you can't have your cake and eat it too.

  50. I'm sorry for calling it a "lousy relationship", but all this situation doesn't seem right. I think you're just used to him and are afraid to fall outside your comfort zone. But think about what if he was the one who felt the way you do? Wouldn't you be hurt? Honesty is crucial in a relationship. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt him in the end. Or yourself.

  51. Don't be sorry, Black... I was just using your comment as an example, it's alright! I think the next few weeks will be interesting and difficult for me/us. I'll be spending a significant amount of time with P through work, so I think my decision will be made very soon.

    Thanks to all who shared their opinions and experiences. It means a lot to me and is really helping me through this really confusing time.

  52. Hey dear!
    I've read some of the other comments and although you've already gotten so many replies, I just had to write you as well.

    You see...most people here tell you of how unfair you are and of how you should live in the present and go for Mr. P. and I think that is indeed the somewhat mainstream way of looking at relationships. I'll tell you something else, though, based on my experience, as I learned that love can be more complicated than it is usually depicted to us.

    Please do make the difference between love and crushes. As someone pointed out before, love is about commitment, is about mutual trust and being there for each other no matter what. True love is more mature than simply being in love. Crushes are natural, they come and they go, it can be sexual tension, it can be novelty, it can be fantasy, you name it. But before you go and pursue them, first evaluate what is your current relationship based on.

    So my advice is to ask yourself: is there "Love" between you and your boyfriend as I defined it here? Why are the two of you together to begin with? Imagine something serious happening in your life - who would be there for you? The actual boyfriend? Mr. P? What if you lost all your belongings in some natural catastrophe - who would be the one to run first and abandon you?

    You say you've been having a long-term relationship and that you were discussing marriage and the like - that is about partnership and friendship. So questions like those I wrote here are more important - life can be very unpredictable. Get over this pinky-fluffy love concept that it has to be all butterflies forever - it can't and this is not all that something lasting can be build on. With a real partner you will fall in love over and over again, sometimes you will be bored and look for something new, but resilience to real problems is more important.

    Evaluate your current relationship before you jump into unexplored territory under the excitement of novelty. Unless you indeed discover some serious issues with what you have now, don't sacrifice the "is" for the "might be"...

    This is just a piece of advice from someone that thinks has more experience than most of the other commentors above...

    Good luck & all the best!

  53. I know what you're saying entirely. It's a really horrible thing to experience. I didn't act on what I was imagining, but I did break up with the boyfriend who I no longer thought of during sex. However, these thoughts aren't that uncommon. A significant amount of people typically admit to occasionally thinking of someone else while having sex -- so if you think you'll get past this then just let yourself get past these thoughts and feelings.

    I wish you the best of luck with figuring your situation out. If you really want to take a chance with P - then do it. You won't regret it, even if it doesn't work out. But you'll always wonder otherwise.

  54. people are being judgmental, but i totally understand where you are coming from, things are not so black and white. just reading a few paragraphs you wrote cannot possibly sum up a relationship or the feelings you have for two different people. it's easy for an outsider to tell you what you're doing or feeling is wrong, but other people can't really know how it feels to be in the situation you're in. i understand in a way, because i'm in a similar situation, and i have people around me saying the same things. but they don't really understand.

    my advice is if you do what's right for you, no matter what other people think, or how they judge you, you will be making the right decision. and you'll know it's right when you don't have any doubts. until then, don't beat yourself up about it. you feel guilt because you're probably a good person in a tough situation. you'll figure it out, i promise.

  55. "Anonymous" - 4 comments up (Feb 1:32 p.m.) Thanks for that advice. I've read most of these comments and can see their points of view. But yours is a good reminder of what love really is.

    I've learned that love waxes and wanes and is like a living thing that needs to be fed and nourished. The best and truest way to deepen love is to put your partner (in my case, husband) first. It's hard to do because as humans, we're naturally selfish. But my love for him grows when I do things for him to please him. Luckily, he has the same philosophy and even though we're not anywhere near perfect at doing that, life is better and we're both happier when we're trying to make each other happy.

    "Cheater", I feel for you and I've been in your shoes. Beware of fantasies. You can unintentionally destroy what is real while focusing on a fantasy.

  56. I was exactly in the same situation, I told my boyfriend the truth, I am now with "my fantasy" and its beautiful.

  57. I'm in that situation now. I've been in it for more than 5 years. I haven't found my way out of it.

    My 'P' is in a similar situation to me but somehow we've managed to cultivate this very destructive and painful secret half-relationship that we can't break out of.

    The only advice I can give you is don't act on your feelings and become a physical cheat as well. I did. It was over 2 years ago and I still feel sick every day thinking about it.

    I'm a bad person for not leaving. But at the moment I'm financially tied to where I am. If you have the chance, go for your 'P', don't get stuck like me x

  58. Your boyfriend deserves someone better. Everyone deserve the truth, no matter how much it hurts.

  59. really easy: break up with your boyfriend.

    2/13/10-found out my boyfriend was doing the same thing...emotionally cheating. it hurts and it sucks but i rather not be with him as much as I love him than stay knowing that he really doesn't love you don't really love him.


  60. This post reads like a journal entry of mine. I am on the same page as you hun. This is what I have learned about emotional cheating, at least as far as I was concerned. It happens to everyone, a little flirtation with others in a long term relationship happens, I don't think we would be human if it didn't. There is however a difference between a bit of flirtation and blatant signals that we should act on. I was in a relationship for many years that I knew wasn't working. I found a friend that I could be myself with, things were easy, we had so much in common, could literally finish each others sentences. There wasn't anything sexual about our relationship in the start, but my loyalties were to him and not my bf. My hopes and dreams found a safe haven in his hands. When sad things happened I called him, when happy things happened he was the first one to know, we could communicate with glances and sighs more than most could with lofty poetry. Months before this friend and I had met my bf and I had more than a few rough patches. I knew deep down I didn't want to make it forever with the bf put his heart was in my hands and I wanted to be careful. He was so sure that this was the road to forever and I kept it on cruse control although I knew it was a dead end, and in an attempt to find the right moment to step on the brakes I waited too long. The friend and I spent too much time together one thing led to another, feelings turned into actions and the unspoken signals that traveled between us like radio waves solidified and the secrets I kept buried beneath good intentions turned into something that was both beautiful and awful and ultimately undeniable. Good intentions aren't enough, there is a fine line between courtesy and cowardice, and that is trick to all of this...honesty. It isn't pretty and it isn't easy but sometimes, make that all the time it is all we have. You cannot keep up a double life because neither one of those life are real until they are sincere.

  61. "Carlton Football Club"?

    You are clearly a Collingwood supporter.

  62. Haha, I was wondering when someone would pick on that.

    Incorrect! I would never associate myself with that pack of tiprats ... though my fellow Geelong supporters are no better.

  63. I understand what you are going through. I have been with my boyfrind for many many years, since highschool times. 3 years ago we had some problems and I had a crush for a work's colleague. It was a crush, I knew, but it was really strong, I could not stop thinking about him, I awas a complete emotional cheater. I know he felt something for me, he showed it to me, but we stayed just friends, (with great sexual tension I must say). He quitted the job and I did not see him againg in these 3 years except for a couple of days we met by coincidence.
    This summer we started talking again. We met and we noticed that what we felt fr each other was never gone, it was just put aside. I become a physical cheater. Just once, and it is hard because I am not sure I feel ashamed for it. The relationship with my boyfrind has changed, we fight all the time, we do not have common interests, conversation has run out... it is hard because we live together. I have tried to explained him thatwe have problems, that things are not the same, but he does not want to see it. I feel like I am trapped. I don't want to hurt him, but I am hurting myself instead. I am not sure if this crush for my frined has turned to something stronger, but it is not the point anyway. I feel lost.

  64. I'm really glad that my post has allowed a lot of other people to vent their feelings and frustrations as well.

    I hope you all find happiness with whoever you end up with, and also within yourselves. <3

  65. i have felt this obsession with another guy, like you feel with P, whilst in a relationship. it DOESNT mean you dont love your boyfriend, contrary to peoples' beliefs. i dont think people really know what its like until theyve been it your position. anyway. i was falling out of love with my boyfriend, but i never said anything to him, i just kept telling myself there was no problem. i was in denial. the obsession with this other guy turned into a reality, it was much more than emotional cheating, it had turned physical.

    i told my boyfriend. it was over for good. very very sad and dramatic ending.

    im inlove with the guy i cheated on my boyfriend with, and vice versa. it wasnt a one off "oops i made a mistake" type affair, i was so infatuated with him, we had such a connection in every sense, unlike the one i had with my boyfriend.

    we're now together, and happy.

    a message to everyone out there 'emotionally' cheating: be careful and be aware that it may develop into something physical; maybe you should tell your partner before its too late.. this isnt always a bad thing, it was a great thing in my case. it liberated me in a way, i woke up to what i was missing.

  66. I feel really bad for your bf after reading this post... he deserves better and not a cheater (sorry to call you that)

    Having sparks in a relationship or not depends on you and your partner. Did you even try to create the sparks in your relationship with your bf? If you did and it still not working then leave your bf for good. He deserves to know the truth.

    And I don't really believe when you say you still love your bf. Maybe it is more to commitment for you to stay with him still as I don't really believe in loving two person at one time.

    I hope you will tell your bf the truth. I really pitied him...

  67. ARGH! It frustrates me to no end how much people play to rules constructed by a obsolete society. We are animals people! We have urges! Sexual urges! Emotional urges!

    You, my dear, are not a horrible person for feeling feelings. You are suffering from a crush, it happens. The only thing that separates us from beasts is our conscience and our ability to refrain from acting on these urges. You refrained, therefore you are a good person. It is possible this crush feels particularly intense due to the amount of time you two spend together.

    Its normal for girl's crush to be slightly more emotionally involved while men's are more physical, this is purely because of our genetic makeup. I do not expect my boyfriend to fess up every time he thinks of Natalie Portman or that girl on the bus with the huge tits when we are together, just like I would never tell him I fantasize about sleeping with the boy from the book store because he looks like he would cuddle afterwards and we could talk about literature.

    Don't let anyone tell you you don't love your boyfriend just because you have a crush. Only YOU really know whats going on inside that pretty little head of yours. If you do, in fact, want the other guy, then go get him Tiger! But if you love your boyfriend, then keep it up Man! Just don't let your fantasies get out of hand...

  68. I was in your shoes.

    I did what everyone else is telling you to do. I left my boyfriend, without the intention of going after P. But in my heart, I still hoped that P would be there.. to pick up where our friendship was forced to leave off.

    P did a 180 degree turn. We are still friends, and we still have that attraction that just sets my heart ablaze. But he doesn't want to be what I freed: my boyfriend.

    So.. I'm just letting you know, you may calculate it out, but like your feelings, you still won't have 100% control over the situation. Just weigh it all out before you do anything drastic.

  69. Great!

  70. What you're doing to your boyfriend now is far worse than breaking up with him or hurting his feelings by being honest. I know you're situation is difficult but the right thing to do is so obvious. I've only ever been in P's position but when I found out how my admirer had felt about me while they had been stringing some innocent person along, I thought completely differently of them. I no longer respected them and least of all felt sorry for them. Though their situation was difficult, it didn't warrant the betrayal and dishonesty. In reading this post it was difficult to hear someone romanticize something so hurtful, but I really hope you have found it in yourself to do the right thing by now.

  71. I, like many others, am in a similar situation. P, however, is in a different continent, making it very difficult for us to be together.

    It could be a phase, both for my doubt in my relationship, as well as my feelings for P, which is why I'm going to give this time. I've set a date which I should be able to tell for sure if the relationship issues we are having now will be there forever, and whether my feelings for P are genuine, or not.

    Thank you for sharing your story. It has made me feel less alone in this matter.

  72. First of all thank you for sharing your story. It made me feel less lonely. You see i'm in the same situation. My boyfriend for 3 years is in another continent. I worked at a company then met my "P" he is one of our clients. One night we go out and the rest is history. I fell in love with "P" we were together every night laughing, telling stories, fooling around. I never thought i would fall in love with him he was different from the guys i loved before especially he is a married man. I was caught in the situation and i can't get out.

    My boyfriend give me everything i want. He loves me so much but i don't know the fire just died.

    But recently i mad a decision. My "P" and i broke up and it's been a month since we last talked but i swear as the days passed not talking to him is like slowly dying. I love him but i can't continue our relationship because they are so many people involved that i don't want to hurt.

    He don't call me anymore maybe because he is starting to fix his life. and i wish him goodluck.

    As for you THINK and weight things. Sometimes people just come to teach us to make us happy, and to help us realized something but then they will leave us and we have no choice but to go back to the person we are before they came. Goodluck to you:)

  73. just because you're already with someone, should let the person you're supposed to be with pass you by?

    you'll be miserable for the rest of your life, if you don't think about you and your feelings once in awhile.

  74. This is amazing, whoever you are you inspire me

  75. youve spoken my heart

  76. Next Lifetime from Erykah Badu--listen to it, you need it.


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