Wednesday, February 24, 2010

somewhere along the way


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four years ago he gave me butterflies. one night i grabbed his hand and the rest is history so to speak. we spent days and months and years learning everything about each other. we became best friends and fell in love simultaneously. it feels like we created a whole life together, a whole world that only the two of us understood. we loved each other wholeheartedly. we gave everything we could give. we became comfortable and we we're happy in our comfort. then somewhere along the way we became dependent and routine. and now our comfort almost makes me cringe. our world feels different. i am happy being next to him: taking a walk, watching a movie, sharing a meal. we still laugh and talk and get along well. but when he touches me i don't feel much. he tries to kiss me passionately but my lips feel nothing. in privacy i think about the way i used to feel next to him and i cry. i think of leaving him and the tears fall heavier. i don't want to ever not know him. his embrace is still warm as is his presence. but i no longer find myself wanting to sleep in his arms or share my every thought with him. i feel like i am slowly slipping away and he is grasping for me. i feel like i have little left to give. but i still spend all of my time with him. i still reach for his hand when we walk through the park. i still lay my head on his shoulder. i still hug him tightly when we say goodnight. he is my best friend and i love him too much to break his heart.
-caitlin

73 comments:

  1. I was the person in the other's shoes. It's incredibly heartbreaking to have someone fall out of love with you and to actually feel it.

    You should be honest with him. You never know, space could work wonders, or maybe it's meant to be that you two aren't together. It's the process of letting go. It's going to hurt him, but chances are he already feels it, he's just trying to convince you that something is not there.

    And believe me, it's brave of me to even tell you to let go because i've been in his shoes and i've wanted so desperately for that person to hold on to what little we had in hopes that it would come back...but it doesn't.

    It's a painful experience on both ends, but it's time to let go.

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  2. i know exactly how you feel. I am in the exact same spot. The exact same position. The exact same emotions.

    And I am sorry.

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  3. i was in your position, and didnt talk to him about it. i ended up doing something stupid which ended the relationship anyway, but telling him earlier would have been way less hurtful for both parties. he needs to know. dont be afraid.

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  4. I feel in love with one of my brothers friend..it was likes your relationship it gradually progressed into something amazing. I mean everymoment, every touch was unearthly.i loved this guy with my whole heart. ANd like allana the fist comment states i was the one that was desperatly trying to hold on.
    YOu feel it when that person who you created a whole world with is slowly pulling away. its like everytime they pull away a piece of you and what you were is lost. I think you need to tell him how you feel and be honest. Yes it may hurt both of you but right now its unfair not only to him but agian to both of you. please be brave enough not to let him hope that with every embrace he can win your love back when in fact the warmth of the friendship is there and nothing more.
    -V

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  5. If you think its the right thing to do, end it now. Because I've met someone else while going through exactly what you are, I cant stop thinking about wanting him so bad. But to break my best friends heart is too much and so now after a year of sex that makes you feel like your going to work everytime I can tell you, end it now.

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  6. does an old married couples still feel the same passion that they felt when they first met?
    if you can see a future with this guy and truly love him, then maybe you should try to work it out, be honest and talk. your relationship is going through the next stage of love (comfort) rather than the first few months' infatuation. giving up/breaking up is easy (probably why the divorce rate is at a high) and staying around takes work but if you unconditionally love your mate, its worth it. its worth being with your best friend for the rest of your life instead of always chasing the butterflies and being alone. take some time and space to figure it out, but don't just give up your love!

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  7. i just coughed up my heart, an action caused by the shock i got from reading this.

    my heart is your heart. my head is your head. things you say, the things you feel, the fear and the guilt and the love and the nostalgia that is running through you right now is everything that is running through me.

    what's more. my name, is your name.
    are you me? did i wake in the night and write down my feelings in my sleep?

    i don't understand what just happened here.

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  8. Your heart races, your palms sweat; being together is almost unbearable. The way your body feels is indescribable. You can't sleep, you won't eat, and all you do is think about you relationship day and night. Sounds like you're falling in love? Wrong! The same emotional and physical manifestations that you feel falling in love are also felt when you're falling out of love!

    Can a person who has "fallen in love" ever really "fall out of it?" The answer is an unfortunate yes. Falling out of love can be a long slow process or an overnight occurrence but the result is the undeniable - you just don't feel the same.



    The reasons for falling out of love are as varied as falling in love. The click is no longer there and as sad as it makes you feel, you know the relationship is over.


    ~Kristen Houghton

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  9. Well, stop spending all of your time with him. You'll miss him like hell, I promise. And if you don't, well, I guess you know what to do...

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  10. this is life. don't worry. some things take time and to have a working relationship takes work. and that means that both of have to take these doubts. but it's worth it i can tell you. it's just kind of emotional evolution you are going through. breaking up is easy, but if you do, you will miss so much. for me, the best partner is someone who brings up the very best in you and the darkest sides in you. and i can tell from a nearly eight year relationship. everything will be fine and it's just human to struggle, it's natural...don't worry. you gotta work it out together, 'cause that's the way you life..together...so hold on and have faith in love will find a way. and life is process, as well as love is. it evolves like your identity and personality does. so give it a chance to evolve...every solved problem, you solved together will get you closer. have faith in love and life. best wishes...

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  11. I was at exactly the same point that you are now. I just didn't feel attracted to my boyfriend anymore, I missed our passion and our longing for each other. There was only this comfort that you mentioned. I thought I should leave him, because in the end what is a relationship without love? But the mere thought of it made me cry as well, because of exactly the same reasons you mentioned. I didn't tell him how I felt, but of course he knew that something was not right. I did not want to have sex with him anymore and I rejected all of his attempts. He always asked me what was wrong and I could see how much my behaviour hurt him, but I couldn't tell him how I felt and I couldn't leave him.. I just didn't want to break his heart. But after a few months, something changed. There was this one day when I looked at him and I wanted him really really bad. I don't know why, but suddenly, out of nowhere, I fell in love with him again. We then had sex for the first time after so many weeks and I just couldn't stop telling him that I loved him. And it was true. It just happened. I fell in love with him again and I am so happy that I did not leave him! This all happened almost a year ago and I am still so in love with this guy. He is my best friend and he gives me both comfort and butterflies.
    Tell him how you feel. If I learned anything from this experience, then that the not knowing is what hurts your boyfriend the most. But give yourself and your relationship some more time. Maybe you will experience the same.

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  12. just ask yourself if you are happy with him. Its true that the best lover will bring out your best side and your darkest side. But you have to be happy in a relationship. Ask yourself if you are still you. What would you do without him. Youll know when the time is right.

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  13. all a woman wants in this life is a man who loves her. once she gets him, she asks him everything! he gives everything he has, even his heart, but does she value that heart? check here and answer this question:
    http://lovers-shore.blogspot.com/2010/02/my-heart-is-yours.html

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  14. this is my life. my heart is exhausted from playing this game. its tearing me apart.

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  15. its really hard to say anything to u my friend ,well cuz i am deeply in love with my man
    ...but i will write here cuz this is my concern every day too ,i always think at this moment that u unfortunetly reach it ,and i do everything for not reaching that moment :)
    my idea is :we dont really have to stick each other every moment ,example :i dont watch movies he likes and he doesnt like movie i like too,but every moment that we find a movie both like we surely die for that moment and enjoy alot of watching it with each other :D
    maybe it sounds strange or ppl might think we dont love each other enough ... but for us ,we accepted that we both are two diffrent persons and we enjoy of our diffrences
    ......we fight but making love after fighting is really sweet :)

    im sorry i just cant feel why u dont feel the same feeling when he was used kissing u and u both enjoyed ,maybe the problem was somewhere else ,i just cant belive ppl stop loving each other after a fairy love like u said u had toward him

    sorry my english is sucks
    i do wish best for u ,Good luck

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  16. This is excactly what happened to me, only I was the other person. It is good to read this, because it makes me understand him. It is truly a heartbreaking situation. Best of luck to you!

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  17. It is so relieving (and strange) to discover how all of us pass through the same steps and get the same bitter feelings ..

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  18. do not be afraid to let go, because if it's meant to be, you two will come together again. letting go always looks like the most painful option but what people don't know is that it liberates. but if his heart is yours, then why would you wanna break your own?

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  19. Don't be stupid. Every relation comes to a point where you feel like passion's gone. It's not. It's just not as easy as it was before. No relationship for over years or life can stay ALL THE TIME passionate. Be smart. You WANT to grab his hand. You love that guy. You still feel (the existance of) your world. It's what does time to "newly" love. The feeling of "newly" can stay for a long time. The longer it stays, the more it shows the strongness of a love, but every love, every relationship comes to a point where it ends. You just have to wait. Passion will come back. Probably you just have to relax and focus on some other stuff. Just let go and do see any problems where aren't some!

    Be thankful for what you have. It's just a new decade in your partnership you have to go through. And in the end, believe me, you'll get your passion, intense feelings back. I'm in a relationship for over A LOT of different decades. Some were hard, some were passionate, some were quiet, some were exciting. It's how things are supposed to be!

    I love this blog. But I do think some are seeing much too much drama where isn't some.

    Think about it!

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  20. It's best to stop hurting yourself and to stop hurting him. Be true to yourself and be fair to him, sometimes trying so hard to get back all that you've lost makes you fall even further behind and trying hard not to hurt only makes you hurt more.

    Trust yourself to truely know what you're feeling (: Be strong, everything happens for a reason, if it's meant to be, it will be.

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  21. when i read this text, and all the comments, i get really scared actually. i'm soooo inlove with this guy, and i think he loves me too. but my biggest fear is that someday i'll wake up, realizing, that i don't love him anymore. it has happened before, in previous relationships. although i'm very young, it feels like he is my whole world. i can't imagine being without him and i am so afraid that someday i will. he's my best friend and he has been for years, i talk to him for hours every day, i think about him all the time. he gets me in a way noone else does. and it hurts me so much thinking someday he'll stop being in love with me. i love the butterflies in the stomach, the giggle, the feeling of nervousness when you see him. i never want it to stop. i hate the "comfort zone", absolutely HATE it. i'm afraid of it. i never want that day to come. i never want to stop loving him. although i believe at some point in life, you stop being inlove. you just.. float along.

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  22. I am in a very similar situation right now but I am trying to be very optimistic about it. My mom told me something very important "appreciate the man by your side" alot of times we get caught up in our thoughts that we just break down and cry and mope around, but if you do see a future and you have these urges to hold his hand and such, do NOT second guess them.

    It also has to do with your subconscious mind, I believe thats where all these negative thoughts are stored. Do what feels RIGHT, and feed off of those positive feelings, fill your mind with positive thoughts, if you continue to dwell on these negative feelings you are only going to convince yourself that these feelings ARE true.

    Love is not a walk in a park and I am in a BIG RUT right now but I know where I want to be and thats by my mans side. You have to have faith in yourself and in your partner! YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. when you start to feel down and think this is the end REMIND yourself WHY you are in this relationship.

    Much Love and POSITIVE THINKING!

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  23. I'm so afraid this is what will happen to us...and my heart is breaking just thinking about it. I never want to live without him, but I can see this as the end.

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  24. you can't stay with him for him... one day you'll grow to resent the situation and resent him for "keeping" you from your own truth... I know you are scared of hurting him but trust me, you two both deserve someone who is madly in love with you.

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  25. Try new things with him. It could get better if you just try and make it exciting. Don't leave him only to realise you made a huge mistake. Have hope. www.seemadream.blogspot.com

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  26. I agree with trying new things with him. I felt the same way with my current bf when things got routine, but when he had to leave me for work for a period of time, the minute I was without him, I felt lost and alone, like a part of me was taken away. Sometimes we don't know what we have until we realize there is a possibility of losing what we have. Take a step back and see whether anyone can give u the love he does and vice versa. Remember the things near and dear to both of you. Don't act too brashly because once you have lost something so special it is hard to gain it back.

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  27. There's a difference between falling out of love and losing the spark of the new relationship. You can get the spark back.
    Just make sure you know which one of these you are feeling before you decide what to do.
    Good luck with whatever you choose!

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  28. just remember that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

    it sounds like it'll be impossible to find someone else like him. and you'll never know what you got until it's gone. so don't do anything you'll regret.

    good luck

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  29. this was me six months ago...for five years i shared every moment, every thought with my then boyfriend, my best friend. i loved him implicitly, i knew he felt the same but somehow this wasn't enough, even though the butterflies and the spark were still there, there was still something (and i still can't figure out what) missing.
    the scariest thing was the thought that if we weren't together as a couple we wouldn't be together at all, eventually i couldn'd hide my feelings from him anymore... after alot of words and even more tears we decided we needed some time apart, somehow we defied all odds and have managed to keep the closeness between us, he is my best friend, the decision was the right one for both of us...
    since then he's met someone else, someone i hope never questions her feelings for him in the same way i did...he deserves more than that, i just hope he always remembers i'll never stop loving him...

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  30. "he is my best friend and i love him too much to break his heart."

    My heart broke when I read it.

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  31. After a year of dating, I was in the same situation with my ex-boyfriend. I had no desire to kiss him and loved him only as a brother. However, that was a passing phase, and although I'm sure it hurt him a lot, we moved through it and eventually I felt the butterflies and everything again. We dated for another year and a half. Maybe I held on too long, but I don't regret it at all. That last year and a half was amazing! We eventually broke up because he moved away.

    My current relationship has all the passion without the security. Sometimes I miss the security like crazy.

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  32. I love a boy.

    Does this make me human?

    Loving somebody you cannot have, it is like lying on a deck chair during a solar eclipse.

    Matty x.x.x

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  33. Same. For years and years. But in the end, he was my best friend and I wanted someone to love him, ya know, with all the sparks. Because that's what he deserved. And he's still my best friend, but some loves just aren't meant to be forever.

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  34. i agree with the above, some loves have a shelf life, especially if you're young. People change, people grow apart and that's no ones fault. Even if he's the coolest, prettiest, sweetest boy in the world; falling out of love doesn't make you a horrible person.

    My own experience involves 2 very different men. It was right for us at the time to be together, we had a good time and it worked. At some point it stops working, and that's when you move on. The first, I was in denial, I didn't want to hurt him and I ended up hurting both of us. The second, The feelings were familiar and I just knew.

    You just know. Its hard, but if its not meant to be, you will know. Either way, you will know. Go with your gut.

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  35. I believe this is the second post of this loss-of "IT" in the relationship within the month that is supposed to be all about loving every minute of everyda of our "ONE". It scares me a bit because it is a possibility that is universal for us all....and the fact that you can't pick which side of the battlefield to be on just makes it that much more worse.
    However, from an objective point of view [I've read all the comments on both posts] it seems to me that those who push the author to leave him in hopes of HIM finding SOMEONE who will LOVE HIM more than you and who will have the butterflies and all that other jazz still alive....well I feel as though those people who then claim to have found someone BETTER and more "fitting" than their ex-Best friend, well I think they need to be re-polled 2-4 years later because things change. I think the loss of the passionate flame to have someones body next to yours, to have their kisses devour your soul, to have their bodies intertwined with yours.... I feel as that has to inevitably go for this CARNAL HUNGER is not true love. It's only the first stage of it. True love is transcending the material world of a person, and loving the butterflies their SOULS ignite in you. True love is not measured by 2 years, heck it can happen in 2 minutes or two months...but what we fail to forget is that at one point when our own bodies wear-out... the craving and passion for sex has to die out too...and all you have left is a human being and if at 80 you still say that because you don't want to F' him, well then your concept of love has not transcended anything. Everything that is worth anything in life requires a shiza load of work....and if you refuse to put in your dues and hours of labor...then you might as well walk away from that person now...because you and him never will find "IT". We create "IT" the ultimate love state, but in order to MAINTAIN "IT" you have to ask yourself some tough questions and think that one day you too will be 80 and if your husband says he has to leave you because he doesn't want to sleep with you anymore or because your body is not "bangin' enough" well then.... just imagine how you would interpret that. His concept of love would not make sense to you, as this post somewhat didn't make sense to me.

    good luck though.
    what you think....is what you become.

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  36. completely agree 100% with the comment above.



    don't. be. selfish. change your routine. TRY HARDER.

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  37. Don't be ridiculous. What you miss is the "infatuation" part of falling in love. The butterlifes, the uncertainty.. What you have now is real love. The kind that sees you at your worst and still hold you and love you. Put some effort in changing your "boring routine". Don't throw something beautiful away because you miss the feeling of falling in love.

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  38. You are right, Jenn. "now is real love"! Love aren't the butterlifes or the uncertainty. Love is assurance, reliability, peace, tranquility.

    Be happy, dear Caitlin, you are a luck person! ;)

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  39. suggestion: stay with your beau and try to work this out. i have a friend who has been with her now-husband for 15 years, and when i asked her how she does it, how she could committ to a lifetime with one person, to love him, she said that over the years she has fallen in love with him over and over again. she says that the passion wanes, but that one day he'll do something/be somewhere, and she'll realise that she's fallen for him all over again. don't give up on your best friend. best wishes.

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  40. it happened to me 3 months ago... we were together for 4 years and for 3 years we were living together... i was on a business trip and came back home... she didnt kiss me even hug me. i bought her some presents and i felt that moment smt was wrong. and i asked, she said she cant make it anymore. i said ok and left the house. we are not seeing each other since then. i loved her so much but love is not the answer i guess...

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  41. i can really feel how you feel, because i've been there. it sucks.

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  42. sometimes I feel the exact same way with my boyfriend..i love him sos much too but sometyms my love for him is jus not enuf to stick with him.. :(

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  43. I've been where you are, but I was the other person.. After two years together we just drifted apart, both of us realized, but he was the one who broke it off. I didnt have the guts to, I was afraid of being alone, we were together all the time and even though I knew I was too addicted, I didnt know how to live without him, he was my best friend, the only one I could truly be myself with. When he broke up with me, my whole world was falling apart for a while. But then I realized, I was not the girl he fell in love with, I had gone from the happy, always smiling girl always ready for some fun, to an addictive, clingy, depressed girlfriend with little sosial life.. So I got out of bed, wiped the tears off my face and went out there again, in the beginning with a fake "I feel great"smile, but after a while I felt great, I was the real me again..I missed my love, but I had become independent and happy again, and it turned out to be exactly what he had wanted. He begged for me to come back, and after letting him fight for me a while, I did. And now, one year later, we are more happy and incredibly in love than ever! So all I say is, take a break, see how you feel, and maybe, just maybe, the butterflies will come back and it will be better than ever:) If not, there is someone out there for you who will give you that feeling again:)!

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  44. It's not time to let go, since you will most probably regret it and want him back.
    It's time for space & a break.
    Whenever I'm apart from my boyfriend I feel the bloody urge to talk to him again. Make yourself miss him a lot. Don't converse nor see him for days, until you can't anymore.
    That's my advise for you.
    Don't. Let. Go.

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  45. i completely agree with marissa im deeply in love and i also scared reaching that comfort zone ,but as marissa said ''REMIND yourself WHY you are in this relationship.''

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  46. yeah yeah..u know it is very romantic and heart touching letter but it isnt all true. right? u are affraid to write the whole, raw true in ur letter. even in ur anonymous letter. and until u are able to do so....u wont be able to do anything about it. because...it seems to me like u are afraid that we will think bad of u if u write differently. but it doesnt matter u know. what we think. we dont even know u. so who cares. just be honest goddamn.

    i was in the same situation as u. the way i felt was:
    1. i didnt want to hurt him because i didnt want him to think bad of me
    2. i wanted to break up but actually i prayed that he breaks up
    3. "i didnt feel the passion" meaning, i couldnt stand the thought of us having sex. didnt like his body anymore and every night i was afraid he would want to have sex with me. i had constant headaches. in a way, his body, the idea of us having sex, or even us kissing..... was repulsive to me.
    4.i liked spending time with him but not too much, sometimes it just bothered me to have him by my side. and i could have lunch but didnt wanna hug.
    5. many things, small things about him started bothering him.
    6. when we broke up...i felt nothing but....relieved


    so, if any of this u feel now...just end it...there is nothing to search there anymore.
    if i am completely wrong, if u dont feel any of this horrible stuff then...why the hell are u even writing that letter?? just go and enjoy ur perfect love.

    we stayed friends u know. it happened 8 years ago and we are still friends. i like him as a friend. not as a partner.


    good luck to u both

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  47. I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 and half years and I think I feel exactly the same way and it scares me so much. I dont know what to do. He's my everything and yet, sometimes I can't even stand the sound of his voice. We're both graduating from college soon so I hope the next few months will show me the way.

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  48. The feeling always fades. Not love, the desire for the other to be happy. :D

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  49. And don't just stop there. Take this as an opportunity to go on a whole new level of love. For love is like a journey that never ends.

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  50. i feel this. been dating a guy for about 5 months now. he's amazing but somehow i can't stop thinking about someone I met a couple of years ago. i was never together with him but we were always on and of with eachother. with this new guy, i suddenly feel that we have nothing to talk about, but then he when he leaves for work I always miss and long to see him again.

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  51. This makes me really sad, I'm in the same position and feel the same way and I know people always feel sorry for the other person but it really hurts to hurt the person who love most in the world even if your not in love with them it doesnt mean you don't care. I hope your ok and this goes well!

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  52. this made me cry. said it perfectly.

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  53. It is really interesting provided that you always know what your sweet heart think :)how to get your ex back

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  54. i felt like i wrote this. 4 years almost exactly. i want to go back to the start. slow it down a bit. right all of our wrongs. my heart feels empty. my smile is faded. i dream of another life outside the one i have. its what keeps me going. im always running towards the light. i feel like i'm drowning.

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  55. so beautiful.. one of my favorites :).. im in love with my bestfriend as well.. and slowly slipping away

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  56. I could have written this. I was in the same position three weeks ago. He is my best friend and I broke his heart and it kills me, but the longer it goes on the worse it gets.

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  57. It's an interesting information and useful suggestion for me, I'm now in this situation.

    thanks for all

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  58. pernille said...

    This is excactly what happened to me, only I was the other person. It is good to read this, because it makes me understand him. It is truly a heartbreaking situation. Best of luck to you!

    [2]

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  59. It's useful instruction, keep on posting like that.

    It’s an interesting information and useful suggestion for me.

    thanks for all

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  60. Oh my goodness I want to meet this girl I am in the exact (I mean exact) same position! It is the most suckiest feeling to rely on someone yet you don't always want to be with them - yet they need you more than ever! What do we do??????

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  61. I am her. I have two children. It hurts.

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  62. there wasn't a single word that isn't exactly what i'm feeling right now.

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  63. You need to know why the love is gone...
    You need to know it because oterwise you just might find yourself in the same scenario in the future...
    Romantic love is something we have to work on...you gotta water the flower or else it will dry out..or some other lame metaphore :) But I believe it´s true...
    On the other hand people can evolve into diffrent directions..and their purpose in our life can be done...and it might feel sad but its just nature's way...
    Either way my so called advice is just to figure out the "why".
    I think love is always there...its only directed towards diffrent subjects...or hidden deep within...

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  64. I've been in a similar situation. I guess I agree with both sides. On one hand, a lot of people do give up on relationships because the passion dies out. We can't jump from relationship to relationship falling in love with "being in love" rather then a person. We can't fall in love with infatuation because infatuation always, and I mean ALWAYS dies. It's a matter of time before that happens...days..months..years (I guess in your case thats what it would be) but the truth is, people do fall back in love, in can happen and it happened to me.

    On the other hand, sometimes the love you have for a person just dies and that's totally ok, it's all part of life. People get their heartbroken all the time, as I'm sure you have, but they survive, they move on and they find others.

    I guess I would recommend giving it time. Like others have said, sometimes being away from the person just makes you realize how much you miss them. and sometimes, the act of falling in love all over again, can work out to be even better then the first time, but none of these things will happen if you stay in limbo.

    I gave it time. I realized that I was a point in my life where I was unsure about everything, school, work, my future most importantly, being on the pill also depressed me a lot it took time, but now I'm finally at a place when I WANT to speak to him again, I miss his company, I miss being in his presence...it's strong, and it feels nice.

    This will pass eventually, its just about dealing with the feelings you have right now but you will come out of this situation one way or another and don't worry about what decision you make, just make one, the rest will solve itself over time.

    I vote taking a break. A lot of times when we get so involved with someone we lose a part of ourselves, we forget what its like to have a girls night or to go out to a club. Try doing those things by yourself again and see how you feel. You may surprise yourself to see that you grew out of it and prefer what you have now.

    Good luck to you.

    ReplyDelete
  65. One more thing, if your on the pill, consider getting off of it, it REALLLLLLY helped me. Brought my libido back, my confidence everything...and I think you need to feel confident when making a decision like this so focus mostly of yourself for now, don't worry about him because whatever you decide, you'll be doing whats best for him too.

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