Friday, September 9, 2011

to face that fear

to face that fear love photo love image, http://weheartit.com/entry/27804936
ph: weheartit

It’s been a cycle since I was fourteen, maybe younger. I fall madly in love with a boy, almost instantly. It’s wonderful and perfect and everything I’ve ever wanted. After about a year or so, I get bored. As much as I hate to admit that I’m this kind of person, I have cheated on every serious boyfriend I have ever had. I’m only nineteen but that’s been five guys. I’m afraid to be alone, so when things start getting rocky with a guy I find a replacement before I even end things with them. I have not ever trusted a man in my life except for my father and I later learned that he betrayed my trust in a way that was completely unforgivable but I was too young to know. I loved him with all my heart all of his short life and we were so close. It wasn’t until after he died of an overdose that I realized the things that he had done to me as a child and I have never been able to trust a man, or really anyone, since. I have loved a lot of guys for my age. Who knows if it was ever real love, but now I doubt that it ever was because I’ve realized without trust you can never have true love. I don’t want to be the person that I have become. I lie to everyone around me, especially the people I’m closest with just because I assume that’s what everyone does. When I get suspicious that someone isn’t telling the truth I usually bring it up to them and they assure me that they are being honest but I can never believe anyone’s word. If I could trust my father for twelve years before I realized I never should have trusted him at all, how long does it take to find out the truth about everyone else? Is everyone just putting on a fake face and doing what they want while telling their friends, lovers, and family just what they want to hear? Maybe everyone is just as good as covering up their lies as my father was, as I have become. At some point, I’ve seen my father in every boy I’ve dated, even if for just a second. And that changes everything in the relationship for me. It’s taken me a while to realize that.

I don’t know how or where to start but I need to change. I need to get over the things that have happened to me in the past. I need to be alone, without a man in my life to depend on, for once and work on bettering myself. Being alone has been my biggest fear since I was a child, even if for a short time. I need to face that fear. I need to learn to trust myself before I can ever trust anyone else and have a happy relationship.

To everyone I’ve ever hurt, I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me one day.

This is the first I’ve ever admitted this to anyone, it’s a lot easier to admit things to total strangers than to people you know. Please don’t judge me, I’m not this horrible person that I’ve become.

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love." –Marilyn Monroe.

30 comments:

  1. you are not horrible, you're just human. yes, cheating is bad but i think it's a result of deeper things you have to deal with. you know, maybe you should try therapy, it could be really helpful for you. you're still young, break the cycle before you become more of a person you don't like. yes, you've hurt boys before, but you're also hurting yourself. and to stop hurting others you have to stop hurting you. never give up hope. you CAN change. and then you'll surely find real love. good luck, i wish you well

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  2. Never give up girl!
    http://roastedalmondsceschi.blogspot.com/

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  3. Oh. My. God. Are you me, girl? Haha seriously, everything you described happen to me! I'm just... Speechless, gosh... The ages, and how many boys and everything, is the same in my life! I fucking understand you. You'll find someone to love and believe, at least, it's what i pray for whoever is listening me up there. Good luck for us, sweetie. You are beautiful. Keep going. You have yourself.

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  4. daddy issues.

    with that said, and as you mentioned, the only way you can trust other people is if you yourself become a trustworthy person. the reason you don't trust anyone is probably because you project yourself on other people. be trustworthy (aka don't cheat on people), and it'll be easier for you to trust others.

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  5. "Please don’t judge me, I’m not this horrible person that I’ve become."

    Right there with you.

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  6. I reckon that although you may have loved before, such love doesn't really consist of romantic feelings. You were just having fun, enjoying the company these boys provide you.

    You did all of those because you were insecure, and vulnerable. If you could fight those and learn to stand on your own feet, things will get better.


    Although I can't say I don't despise people like you, I can understand how it is like to be in your shoes. Regarding your trust issues- I've been there before. But I later learn to not trust fully, but not distrust completely.

    Good luck.

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  7. Go, be alone, be fabulously alone, and remember to have fun always and be honest to yourself before you can be honest to others, and then start learning to trust others.

    Trust is hard. I admire you for taking this step. The first step is the hardest. Never give up.

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  8. Thank you for writing this. I am going through EXACTLY the same thing. I have never trusted anyone, except the guy I just recently broke up with. And I cheated... I feel so incredibly immoral, and wrong, but I never stop myself because... things were hard. I don't love myself. But I'm hoping I can learn to.

    You ARE NOT horrible. There are worse things people have done in their lives. And you're still young, you can change. You just have to believe.

    <3 Have faith.

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  9. As long as the daddy issue is remain unresolved, peace within you remain unfound.

    You were hurt badly by your father and it impacted, changed your life.

    It happens to me..

    Be brave to make a step in trusting others and let it be resolved when relationships turned rocky.

    It is okay to get hurt, that is life. A cycle of fall in love, get hurt and move on, will find others eventually.

    You are in control to make changes. :)

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  10. You have taken the first step towards change. This needs immense courage to admit to everyone, even to some strangers. Not to be preachy, but please do not hurt urself and hurt others. Love yourself.
    You are just doing great by taking this brave step. friends are the best thing one can ever have, coz they stand by you through the difficult and happy times. Trust them. All the best and wishing you luck...

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  11. Collar Has Noddin' 2 Do W/O E.T.

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  12. I was facing the same problem or at least more or less ... with my dad I mean ... but i start to forgive him, i don't know how, or when i just did .. and all of that became so much better. I do agree when someone on the comments above said that you don't trust other people because you are projecting yourself on them, i used to be like that, really, but since i've started being more true with my self and others and showing the real me i start to trust more and also be more confident about myself. It's hard to admit something like that, but you know this is really the start. After this you can just go on and acknowledge yourself in the world and who you really are and who do you want to be. True friends will always accept you, others will just leave, and those that did it was because they weren't needed. So don't worry, after this everything will just be alright. just be yourself.

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  13. please reblog:

    http://freeluckyeasy.blogspot.com/

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  14. Hello, recently discovered your blog and I think it's lovely. I'm also so excited to read such an honest, thoughtful post. Please don't feel ashamed--this is part of life, part of growing up. We all have issues to face and you've taken a huge step in working through them. If you haven't already, find yourself a great counselor (don't settle for an iffy one!). You're worth the time and energy!

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  15. This post has made me feel so much better. I felt alone in what happened to me. I realize I never was. When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long!

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  16. OMG!! I usually feel how can i do that with everyone? sometimes I feel when people says love happens once i felt then y i fall in love again and again... but what you have written is really awesome... keep writing.

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  17. Having my heart shattered recently, your blog was great therapy for me. The sheer raw beautiful unashamed sensitivity of it which so mirrors the girl I had fallen for. The intolerable pain of realizing how well she faked such a captivating wide array of emotions and was just in it for how i made her felt. To see you lie to yourself about not being a bad person while destroying people you loved with zero empathy for them time after time. To see you fake-apologize to draw sympathy from other sociopaths just to make yourself feel better. I know now I should have used my looks and humor and sensitivity and academic success to play sweet girls like they shockingly do to us. But after having gone through what I suppose was not real but felt so real to me, I can't fathom settling for any less. This blog entry has made me feel more painfully depressed than I've ever been. I will definitely kill myself right now. The only endeavor worth worshiping on this planet clearly doesn't exist. I wish I could have figured this dark truth without feeling it on my skin, so that I could have killed myself before going this excruciating beyond intolerable pain. Fuck you.

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  18. you can do it youre so brave and just know that even though all of us who have commented may not know you. there are people out there that believe in you. you can be happy and find true love just let yourself.

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  19. Wow. I am sorry but you really ARE this horrible person you have become. How can you say your not? Not everyone is lying, not everyone is untrustworthy, not everyone is faking - it seems to be mostly your projection on the world around you and you seriously need to get that. I am not even sure you know what the truth is anymore. I think the worse thing for you is to give you a pat on the back and say "ah, shucks, that's okay everyone does it!" Because most of us don't! You may not be capable of really feeling empathy for those you have hurt - at least is sounds that way in your post. Truth: there are far more people in the world that say "you know, I had a crappy childhood, I have had people lie to me, abuse me - however I choose to be better than that." We choose who we want to be, end of story. You post starts off with a confession but then you seem to want to blame others based on your own projected assumptions. So, if you keep choosing to be this person - then this IS who you are. You also make this choice by not getting some serious help. I see two major personality disorders here: sociopath (about 1 in 15 people in the US-google it) or you have a histrionic disorder (the poor me/I need attention 24/7 disorder). You can only get healthy by becoming accountable for your own actions and stop blaming everyone else for what you do - how is blaming your dad equate to you being cruel to another person? All I can say is: don't drag anyone else down with you and please, please do NOT have children until you get control of yourself. You would only damage them too. Sorry, but I am one of the majority that doesn't lie or fake it.

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  20. TO the person above, I am the one who wrote this and while I appreciate what you're saying I think you need to open your mind and realize that how a person grows up and what a person experiences in their life is how they learn. Maybe you did, but some people do not have great upbringings. You are no better than I am. I actually think I am a really awesome person considering all I've been through and the things I was taught when I was young. It took me a while to realize those things were wrong and learn what was right, I've had no one to help me. But I think I've done a pretty good job so far and this is just another step in the right direction of who I want to be. I am proud of myself. And I'm not gonna let some know-it-all bring me down.

    Also, to whoever said re-blog this I would but I don't know the blog lingo and such so I don't know how/what that means, sorry!

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  21. P.s. Thanks everyone else for reading this, and to those who can relate, push through. You can do it. Face the truth and start telling the truth. After I wrote this, I broke up with my boyfriend not because I don't love him but because I don't trust him so I don't know what real love is. It's time to work on myself and I'm really excited to change.

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  22. You clearly don't care at all about how you destroy people. Even that fact you make all about you, about how people shouldn't judge you as a bad person. You're pure evil.

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  23. None of the things you see yourself as have to do with what you do for other people. Also, I'm pretty sure you depressed the shit out of a young fan here. You seem to completely not care about that. It's funny watching you continue to write about "love." What a phony.

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  24. What do you mean I don't seem to care about other people? I would not be doing this in the first place if I didn't care about other people. I was doing fine living the live I was leading, I decided to change because I was hurting other people. Right now, I don't really give a shit about the people I've hurt in the past. Well , sure I do, but I'm not trying to make any of that better. I can't do anything about that now, those people have all moved on and realized I wasn't worth their time. I'm trying to work on bettering myself so that I don't continue to hurt other people in the future. And in regards to the peson above who I seem to have hurt, by how he wrote I didn't really believe that he was hurt, just that he though I was scum of the earth and wanted to make me feel like shit. But if he really was hurt, it's not my fault for fessing up to what I've done and moving on. There are a lot of people in the world that are in the same position as me and need to take the steps to change. This is the last that I'm going to say because the reason I posted on here was to just get it out, not to have people tell me how fucking horrible of a persn I am. I've known that for years and struggled with that and now I'm doing something about it so I don't want to hear it anymore. Hearing how shitty I am will just make me feel that way and not give me any motivation to change. I thought the people on here wouldn't judge me as long as I was being honest. I guess I was wrong, you can't avoid judgements.

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  25. A good person would feel remorse - you don't seem to.

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  26. Then I guess I'm evil and shouldn't even try to change because apparently it's hopeless. Ending my life tonight, thanks for all the support guys!

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  27. Amy Lynn! You are not evil or anything like that! Dont lisen to those people... cuz they dont know what they are saying!
    I love you for trying to change and you are a good person because you want to! <3 Like you said, you wouldnt be doing this if you didnt feel bad about hurting people and that is true... I support u all the way, and please keep on fighting for the person you know you are! <3 <3

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  28. In my opinion one and all should browse on this.

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  29. You are an evil bad person. Im glad I have never met you. Life is tough but you dont do bad things to others just because you are broken on the inside. Its your choice to act or think in a certain way, and you chose to be bad. So you are evil.

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