i fell upon a pill so intoxicating I couldn't resist.

bombagoda

"Just because a woman is lovesick doesn't mean she has to take the first pill that comes along"

I have been lovesick for years now, broken by seemingly infallible relationships and bruised by heartbreak. I wasn't looking for pills; in fact, I was avoiding them at all costs. The last thing I needed was a shiny new pill with side effects overriding the benefits that always seemed so dear to me. But I fell upon a pill so intoxicating I couldn't resist. This pill was fascinating, beautiful, the only pill in the world that seemed to be able to make me feel alive, beautiful, and full of hope. This pill was a dreamer, with no doubt about any hardships he couldn't overcome. This pill was an old soul, trapped in a young, beautiful body. This pill had spirit, and interests in things I have always just passed by as common occurrences in everyday life. I didn't want this pill, It was merely to pass the time by in my days of loneliness. This pill dragged me out of the darkness, and into a world of new beginnings, of hope when I thought happiness was impossible. And then this pill moved. Hours and hours away while I was locked down under the fact of my innocence, of my dependence, of my youth living in a household that had a grasp so tight on me I could hardly breathe. This pill moved to a city full of life, where it could thrive and learn at the art school of this pill's dreams. A city of promise and new experiences, while my broken heart was trapped in a suburban town known to promote set-in-stone beliefs and pretty houses and fancy cars. A town promoting one type of people, when all I wanted to do was be with my drug, the drug that listens to the music of the twenties, that has a soul of the fifties, and the unique insight I'm not sure an era has yet seen. This pill inspires me to be my own person, to think deeply about what is important to me, to question my ignorant ways of the past. And soon I will be living in the beautiful city with this pill, flourishing in this town embracing uniqueness, loving the diversity of it, and having hope for those who are too blind to see past the materialism I had been so caught up in. I will soon be able to have my fix, while following my own dreams I didn't quite know I had before my drug drew them out from deep within my soul. My pill is a boy. A boy that showed me I can love again, and not only I can love again, but I can love without limits. Because the miles between us don't matter as long as we both know that my sickness has subsided.

i have been left waiting for too long.

-emillie-

through some twist of fate we found each other. actually, you found me. you, l'étranger, settling in another city, another country. i was supposed to help, i guess that didn't pan out quite as expected...

so we met and we laughed and we shared wine and stories. and i came home with a smile and a promise we'd see each other again. soon. and we met again. and again. and we marveled at how much two lives could resemble one another with so much land between them.

let's be candid. you were good for my ego. but of course you were never supposed to be more than that. if anything were to happen between us it had an expiration date, because at the end of the year you're obviously going back home. so i was definitely not going to get entangled, not going to let myself fall in love with you. that was the plan.

and then you held me. and you kissed me. still i thought i could resist. but every time you kissed me, every time you touched me i cleared out a little more room for you in my life. and for the butterflies in my stomach.

so this was me, not caring if we publicly displayed our affection or who saw it, because it was just not that big of a deal. act, don't think, do not feel!

then the rain came. it reminded you of what you had lived before me. of what you had been through. and suddenly i stopped being your guide and became the person you didn't really know and couldn't bring yourself to trust. somehow i became l'étrangère, the stranger.

and now i'm stuck here. between giving you space to resolve your life and having given you space in my life. and i'm sorry to say, that while i had started to stray from the plan, despite having told you how patient i can be, i just don't know that i can wait for you to be ready. i can't not know if you'll be ready before we run out of time. i have been left waiting for too long.

so could you please, please hurry up?

-L.

love of my life.

weheartit

The person I am in a relationship with wanted to kill me this year. Yep. True story. Yeah, I would say it’s been a pretty bad year for us.

Obviously, she can kind of be a b*tch. The thing is, because she knows me so intimately, she also knows exactly how to hurt me. Usually by bringing up some sordid detail from my (admittedly) imperfect past. She knows, for example, that I had sex with my best friends boyfriend. Scorns me for drinking too much. Chastises me for losing my temper with my mother. Ridicules me for me for my lack of knowledge on politics and current affairs. She knows every physical flaw on my body and draws attention to this frequently. Particularly before I leave the house on Saturday night.

And, okay... I’m a pretty awkward person. No, I mean really. I do the most ridiculous things. I accidentally ended an email to my University tutor with “xx” (yet still didn’t do well in that subject). I fill silences with questions like “So...do you....have....many people....in...your....family?”. Yep. It probably sounds insignificant, but in these situations she will always laugh at me...not with me (see, I told you. Total b*tch).

I’m making it sound almost comical, but this year she’s destroyed my self-esteem. She’s like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, only meaner. Because of her, it’s really difficult to let other people close to me. I don’t feel worthy. And in some ways her criticisms have become self-fulfilling prophecies. She has told me I’m un-lovable enough that I’m starting to act that way.

The thing is, I can’t break up with this person. I know with full certainty that I will be with this person ‘till the very end. Because this person is me.

Yet, I know I’m not as horrible as I sound. Because I’m on this website. I truly believe in love. And I know most of you reading this must as well. But it all starts within. Last year was painful, but it bought clarity. This year I’m going to really work on the most significant relationship of my life: the one with myself. And I’m starting right now, not on New Years Eve. I want to start 2010 properly.

I know it will require more than just a decision to love myself. Because, honestly, the past year has damaged me. I don’t completely like who I am right now. But self-hatred has done me no favours, it’s time to let go of the inner Meryl Streep: this year I will allow myself to make mistakes in the knowledge that I’m truly trying to grow into a person that I just don’t tolerate, but someone that I truly love. Because, as Oscar Wilde said “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”.

L. xx (those were intended)

love story

^01: introduction^


^02: a letter^

you can find this on-going love story over at STORIES.
plus you can submit your ideas on how the story goes!

thanks arvida!

it’s easy.

Sometimes I feel like im 17 again. When my skin fit. When eyes fell softly on me. When my wingspan held the weight of me. When fingerprints grazed but never sat on me. My neck and waist were free of them. When empty was good. Only room to be filled. Nothing to be stolen. Taken. Consumed. This pen of many more pounds just weeks ago. And now, ink and words are pulled out of it. Promise spilling out of it. Every night I wake in between a chain of dreams. I gasp. Or frown. Or sweetly hum. Either way, finding the ground. Grounding myself to the reality I will eventually wake again to. Dream. Wake. Dream. Dream. Wake. And somewhere in between them, you slipped under the sheets. One leg at a time. Half dream. Half reality. A bridge between my two worlds. Hands and feet of butter. A thumb pressed hard and slow down me…along where my hair meets my face. Melts me back to sleep. Finding me with each toss. Finding a fit with each turn. Pull the wall back. Let the light in. I want to see you. A hot breath lays thick on your neck. A sweat climbs to the surface of your back. Sticky and sweet. A heat buried in me….alive again. Awake again. Steam seeps out of me. Wraps us. This night gave me back five years. I saw you once when I was a young girl. When I watched my father’s veins swell. And I watched my mother’s chest sink. And my eyes shut just long enough for me to see you. I saw your hands, but not your face. I saw how you would feel, but not how you would look. Between their yells I heard you whisper something that made sense. Your hands, your voice, gave me back 23 years. The only settling we can speak of now is the way the sea has settled beneath me. The way the tips crashed and spun and now sleep calmly on their sea floor.

Settled. Not settling.

You make me feel 17 again. It’s easy.

-CM

but there you are

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here i am, remembering about us again. i don’t know why all this is coming back now. i’ve dealt with it in virtually every aspect of my life, because the similarities seem to come up in some way or another. and you know what? i haven’t let myself fall for anyone again. no one has made me feel the way you could make me feel, and i wonder if anyone ever will.

all i know right now is that i’ve grown up a lot since then. and it makes me smile every time i think about it. i guess because i don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, i loved it. i loved it at first when i wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. i loved the way you made me feel. i loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.

deep down though, i guess i always knew they never would be.

that was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and i knew that. it made it so frustrating, so ironic, that i couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. but it was because you were different. you were one of the few guys i always had respect for, you were the one who i laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. i don’t know if you knew it or not. everyone else sure did. but you gave me a chance, and i let down my guard. i tricked myself into having hope, when i so clearly shouldn’t have had any. and from there, i suddenly freaked out. i suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and i couldn’t do a thing about it.

for the past two years, i’ve been trying to let it go. trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush i might have with the past, avoiding any encounter i think i might have that would change the way things were. they were over. and i wanted myself to believe that.

but the thing is, it’s not over. i guess i’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. maybe i should have dealt with it better than i did. but i couldn't, and when i left, things were a mess. they still are. i thought it would go away; i thought i would forget you and everything we once were.

but i haven’t. i’ve wished so many times that i could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. i try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. that’s what i do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. i suppose i should be learning how to understand my own emotions. i certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, i don’t even know why i’m writing this. it’s not like you’ll ever know what i think. i am a distant memory to you, if anything. i see you and i can tell what you're feeling. i know things will never be the same between us. you love her, and she's all that matters to you. she's all that will ever matter to you no matter what i do and no matter what i say. and even though every time i see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.

i guess i should get used to that.

-M

what does love mean to you

A lot of us say that being a third party is bad, but I really beg to differ.

&I talked to someone, probably near but can't relate to, about the new love. Her new third-party love. Weird as it seems, it doesn't seem wrong. Part of me say this isn't wrong, because what we perceive True Love to be is constantly changing through experiences and interactions with others. Break-ups means that one have realised that their definition of True Love is wrong and that it have changed.

Loving is a process like growing up, it progresses. We grow up understanding more and being more arouse with surroundings. From young, we only knew Love is for the Love for basic necessity of growing up, like milk and probably the pacifier. Then we grew older by learning Love is the care and concern that parents give their child unconditionally. As we grow older, Love becomes more cliche and takes the form of simply almost anything - from holding hands to kissing to sexual.

I don't know what goes further than here, and I've yet to experience it myself. Love is just something that people sacrifice their blood and sweat to hunt for it. But in the first place, is it huntable, or has it always been there and that you just made it lost its meaning.

What does Love mean to you? Just companion or something unexplainable? Even being in a love-triangle, doesn't mean it's wrong to love. It's probably just wrong timing.

-D

let me know

fffound

i'm terrified

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I need to write. I need to write, paint, cry it all away. I've found love, as ridiculous and impossible as that is. For me, anyway. I am a cynical person. In everything and everyone, I find fault.

I believe in love, I really believe in love. But for so long I've been too cynical, too logical, too damn scared to feel it.

I don't know where to begin. It all started with a drunken kiss. But in that person I've found everything I ever dreamed of. He has an overwhelming passion for life. An artist. A dreamer. When he looks at me, it's like he's staring at the stars. He see's a beauty I can't even hope to ever see. He can look into my soul, without me saying a thing he can perfectly articulate everything I've tried so hard to hide from everyone. He can't not touch me, stroke my hand, my back.

Anyone else, I would be in heaven. I would jump in and never look back. Even typing this, I feel my happiness being crushed. He's my best friend's dad. 30 years my senior. I don't know why anyone would want to hear this, to hear about this disgusting, sordid little situation. But it's not disgusting, it's not sordid.

I've written pages upon pages of letters and confessions. Paintings, drawings, I'm trying to put it down somewhere so that I can look at it and somehow rationalize it. I've written this email a dozen times. Sometimes I say that it's just too impossible, too hard. Other's I can't imagine having to let him go.

I'm terrified. What if my life, my family and friends, all crumbles beneath me? But what if in years to come, I look back full of regret. This man truly loved me. He wanted to give me the world. And I threw it all away because of fear.

The truth is, I have no idea. But in doing this, I'm keeping him in a state of limbo that is killing him. I tried to end it, I tried to be strong. But there wasn't a single part of me that was sincere. He saw that. He didn't let go easily and now we're back where we started.

Nothing could be more beautiful and true, or more petrifying.

-M

i just wish you knew how much.

hedi

It all started one night in a dingy college bar. The typical over indulgence of alcoholic beverages, something many college students embrace with open arms. However this night was much more to me, it was the night I met you. Little did I know this would be the night that forever changed the way I looked at love. When you pulled me away from that table of overly intoxicated girls in an attempt to save me from any further agony I knew you were different. Our conversation was bleak and meaningless but it was enough to make me want more. I wanted to get to know everything there was to know about you and more.

So it began the little games we all play. Waiting two weeks to establish contact was something I thought little of at the time, because I had not discovered the truly wonderful qualities that make you so unique. From the moment I text you I could tell there was excitement on both ends of the conversation. You asking me to come play and me painfully rejecting your offers in fear you would think I was just some guy looking to get lucky. With every message I was growing more restless. Finally one night while out drinking with some friends I received a text from this new romantic interest of mine, my stomach grew queasy. I knew tonight would be the night I was go to see the girl who I found to be incredibly intriguing.

I grew nervous as I walked alone to meet you. All of this waiting has all led up to this one monument; my heart was pounding through my chest. As we make eye contact you could see the excitement on our faces. Our conversation was fueled by our intoxication instantly we both wanted each other. One thing led to another and that turned in to our first kiss. Tucked away in the corner of the dueling piano bar the world around us disappeared. This was a feeling of ecstasy I have never experienced before. I was hooked and wanted more.

It was from that moment that we shared together in the corner of the bar that I knew I wanted to pursue you. Hanging out with you became my main motivation in life. I have never felt the way I did about you. Not wanting to rush in to the sexual part of our relationship I waited for the right time and it was nothing short of perfect. You seemed so innocent, it was intriguing. It was not until the monument right before we had sex for the first time and you asked “you’re still going to like me in the morning right?” that I knew you truly cared. I was yours for the taking.

This blossomed in to an amazing relationship. Where my biggest reward was seeing you’re beautiful big brown eyes and you’re cute smile. I would do anything for you; you’re nothing short of amazing. However with our relationship came its fair share of problems.

When you drank you became hurtful to the extent I felt as if I didn’t even know you. You would blame it on you being drunk and I would accept this. Now, that I have had time to cope with our situation and our break up. I must ask did the alcohol bring out you’re true colors? Was alcohol what our relationship was based on? I find it very hard to believe you loved me the way you said you did if you can walk out on what we have built together.

Alcohol what our relationship was founded on ultimately was the demise of our relationship. Ironic I must say. This has forever destroyed any hope I once had for “love” to be found in bars. Alcohol brought out sides of us that we would never dare show in a sober state but even with this knowledge we continued to drink and drift further apart. Could it be that we love partying and alcohol more than each other? This is a thought that tears me apart inside day and night I cannot stop thinking about it. How could something that felt so right be so wrong at the same time? And why cannot I not give up and walk away? You treat me like dirt know, I cry daily but will never tell you this because of the fear you will judge me and this will only give you the upper hand in dictating the status of our relationship.

Staring at the blank screen on my phone in hopes you may text or call has driven me to my breaking point. I need to step back an catch my breath. But first you must give me back my heart which you ripped out of my chest that Friday night. I will not allow myself to be there for you, only to have you say and do horrible things to me. However after all of this and the pain you put me through why do I still love you?
I ask myself everyday where is the beautiful girl I fell so madly in love with because you surely are not her. I will forever love you because you opened up to me and let me see the person you truly are. I know who you are and this is not it to the slightest degree. I will be here with open arms when you find yourself, just don't ask me why I won't be able to answer that.

I Love you, I just wish you knew how much.

-M

oh, how he completes me.

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I'm reading all those beautiful stories about lost love, found love, love people never will forget, secret love, soulmates, friends and family. And I decided to tell my story.
I've always been a "player", a restless person that has very easy to have crushes on cute boys but I had only been in love once, with my boyfriend when I was 15.
I had boyfriends after that but
-I wasn't faithful
-or I didn't say to anyone that we were a couple because I didn't wanted to keep the options open
-or I did something on purpose that made my boyfriends break up with me. Then I didn't need to take The Talk and they couldn't beg me to stay, beg us to try because they broke up with me.
I was cold, egoistic and I thought I wasn't capable to love another person, to be in love with another person and thought I was way too troubled to have a normal relationship.

I ended it with one of my crushes this summer and a couple of weeks later I went to a party at a friends place. It was a festival in my town and it was the fourth day of partying. I wasn't very social and the last thing I wanted was one of those drunk unserious flirts.

And I met him pretty early in the evening. He was a friend to my friend's best friend's crush and I thought he was one of those really goodlooking people that knows how hot they are and are impolite and bored if you're not in their league. But we talked and he wasn't impolite - just shy. When it was time to go, me and him went to the carousels and he held my hand because I'm so scared of heights and while everyone around us danced to some crappy coverband, we just stood there and have had more fun that evening than I have had with friends I've known my whole life. And he kissed me and we went to a concert where he held me the whole time and he took my number but I thought he'd never call me.

He did the next day and we decided to meet the next weekend (because then we didn't live in the same city). After that I told everyone I knew, my friends and family that I'd met someone, even if I didn't know what he thought of me or where it was going. We were just like 15-year-olds hanging out, making out, going to the sea, having a great time and getting to know each other.

Then met the weekend after that. And the third weekend we talked about us and decided to be a couple. We've met every weekend (and as much as we can now that we live closer) since we met that sweet summers saturday night.

He did something no one has ever did to me. There is no other guy for me and for the first time I just know he feels the same. Every time I see his name, smell the shirt he left last time he was here, or his shampoo, or if I see things that reminds me of him, I get nervous and the butterflies take over my whole body.

He makes me laugh so much that I can't quit and we always have so much fun with each other. We stay up playing videogames, drinking beer, bowling, kissing, watch movies, talking walks, tickle and tease each other, everything and everytime I have the time of my life.

I love him so much that I can't look at him for more than seconds because I think he's so beautiful that he makes me blush and makes me clumsy and makes me stumble and even if I hold him for hours I can't get enough of him, his voice, his laugh, his scent, his taste, his skin and all those small things and gestures he say or do that only I notice because that's part of what I fell in love with.

Everytime we see each other I want to tell him I love him but I'm too shy and scared even though I've never been so sure about anything or anyone in my life and though I believe he loves me. I'm terrified to get hurt but I love him so much I don't care about that, for the frst time I feel I can't do anything but trust him even if I don't always understand why the world's cutest, nicest, sweetest, funniest, hottest guy wants to have me as his (first) girlfriend. He says he can ask me the same thing; why I would be with him.

So it may be a cliché but real love came to me when I least expected it and "once a cheater/liar, always a cheater/liar" is as wrong as anything can get. I've always said the truth about my past if he have asked, even if it's not been pretty and people say you can make mistakes and you can, but I would never do it to him or do something that would hurt him.
Even if you're scared to tell people how you feel - make yourself say those things! It can be a disaster but then you're friends will be there for you and pick you up and make you heal. It's heartbreaking if you open up and things don't work out, but then at least you know that you can move on. You'll regret it more if you don't take the risk. Everyone is scared so go out there and fight for the love because he or she can be the one you've always been looking for.

He can turn out to be so perfect that you want to scream to the world that he's all you ever wanted, that he's the most wonderful person you've met and when you think you know all about him he tells you something that surprises you, in the greatest way because everything about him is so fascinating and special. And he becomes your lover, boyfriend and your best friend and he's making you so happy that everytime you look at him or touch him, you're thinking that he is the part that's been missing in your two-pieces-puzzle... Oh, how he completes me.

isa

have you ever loved someone like that?

weheartit

I've known her for seven and a half months. We met through a mutual friend, my boyfriend at the time. He was somewhat infatuated with her, it was cute. She was older than us, but only by a few years. We started talking. It was... wonderful. Our conversations, we talked about everything, and bonded over everything. We had our little in jokes and then when my boyfriend and I broke up, we continued talking. We were always talking, almost every day.

We're both busy people, and we don't often have time to see each other. But when we do, it's just. Easy. So simple and easy and straightforward. I never get tired of talking to her. I can tell her anything. Not because I want to, and not because I want there to be someone who knows everything about me. I don't care about that. But because, I can; we can. Over these months, we've grown closer and closer. She's my closest friend, and I'm hers. We talk about sex and love and politics and science. We really do, talk about everything. We compliment each other in what we like, our opinions and hobbies are similar but not so similar that we don't have things to (playfully) ridicule each other about.

She's attractive, of course. And smart, and talented, thoughtful, caring, intelligent. She's that girl you want to hate for being so amazing but in the end you just end up loving her for it. And that's what happened, I love her. The nature of this love, I can't describe. I don't even know myself, honestly. It's on the border between platonic and non-platonic because even though she is one of the sexiest girls I have ever met, mostly I just want to be there for her. Mostly, I just want to make her happy. I like it when she calls me at almost-midnight and rants about her day and I can make her feel better. I can make her laugh. And I like it when she randomly texts me about something interesting and we just text each other for ours. We just, work.

Have you ever had someone where everything just works? I mean, there's friction of course. What with her being a few years older than me. And her current unavailable status. But, still. It just works, everything is so simple with her. And if anything ever is wrong, we can just talk it out.

Have you ever loved someone like that? I hope so.

she got her old feelings back

thanks for this J!!

This is a clip from the Swedish 1970’s movie En Kärlekshistora (A love story)
I think it’s very beautiful.

I also have a story to tell.
When my mom was eleven years old, she dated this boy.
He was in her class and they were boyfriend and girlfriend for a couple of years,
but then he moved away and they had to break up.

30 years later, they met at a high school reunion,
and got back together again.
My mom currently had a boyfriend but they broke up as she got her old feelings back again

as soon as she laid her eyes on her childhood crush.
This summer they are getting married.
I think this proves that just anything can happen

J

hey you.

unknown

It'll soon be 2 years after we've broken up. How we met was really a funny experience. Whoever heard of meeting through staring incident? I believe that he was heaven sent, my guardian angel that was there to guide me along in life. Is it weird to say that I feel in love with this guy just by merely chatting through msn and phone? I've never talked to him face to face before until we got together. I spent my whole time in class messaging him even though he was just in a classroom 2 stories above mine. And I looked forward to every night because it'd be the time that he'd call and we'd talk till it was past midnight. My friends were telling me that I was falling in love, but I didn't believe so. Until the day that I cried because I was jealous over him talking to another girl. That's when I found out that what my friends had been telling me for the past month was indeed accurate.

Even though we didn't talk face to face when we bumped into each other in school, I still remember how I felt whenever I saw him coming or when I saw his backview. That sudden adrenaline rush, the quickening of heartbeat, how everything around me started spinning and slowing down and the only sound I could hear was how hard I was breathing and my own heartbeat. All I could see was just him and at that point in time I thought, "Wow, he is gorgeous."

He was a guy that had heads turned when he walked around in school. Standing at 1.8xm tall, with broad shoulders & nice body, big eyes; double eyelids, fair skin, looking like a pretty boy yet having the American badboy look, it wasn't a question of why girls would oogle at him publicly. How we got together was unusual too, he was shy and was unwilling to say his feelings out to me directly. But he showed his feelings through his actions. How he took note of my feelings, the way that I spoke and the way I sounded through our text messages was remarkable and.. stunning. It's like he could see right through me to the deepest of my heart and he understood how I felt without me saying a word.

I remember everything since the day we were together till the day that things ended between us. How we could just go around shouting in public not bothering if anybody thought that we were crazy because all we wanted was just to see each other smile & laugh and that'd be enough. How he showed me a side of him that nobody has ever seen before - a gentle yet vulnerable side. He was mine, and with just him alone I was very contented with life. Because life with him was never dull, I had something to look forward to everyday, even if it was just a smile. I remember how we'd walk in supermarkets pretending that we were married, cooking dishes; doing house chores; playing FIFA & betting on soccer together.

I'll never forget how his eyes seemed to sparkle whenever he laughed or whenever we met. How our bodies fitted so perfectly together - hands & shoulders. How his tone changed when he was talking to me compared to when he was talking to someone else. How he always winked at me when other girls were oogling at him to give them a hint that he was my boyfriend. How protective he was of me when guys tried to get near me and how he loved playing tricks on others.

I remember begging him to stay after each time he left. Sounds stupid but I never regretted it, because I'm happy of the fact that I once loved somebody this much, and to me, he was a very very very special person in my heart.

It has been nearly 2years now, and I've been in a couple of relationships only to realise that I broke it off because I didn't love the guys. Why? Is loving someone that difficult? Or is it because I don't have the ability to love anymore? It's a shame to know that I still have butterflies in my stomach whenever I think about us, him or when I hear his name. It becomes worst when I see him face to face, I don't even know what to say, how to react or what I should do. I just go blank and I'll be in a trance afterwards.

It sucks even more when I realize that I compare every guy that has interest in me to him, to the very fact that they're not him. And you know what the sad thing is? Some of them might even be better than how he was, but I guess I'm never able to see that. Because I'm afraid to fall in love again? Or is it because I haven't really gotten over him? Are you really able to love someone subconsciously? Even without you knowing it?

Am I feeling this way because the body remembers how it feels like whenever I hear his name? Or is it because something has triggered somewhere inside of me that makes me feel this way? Memories.. they hurt and they build me up.

He has moved on, happy with his girlfriend. And me.. it's been quite some time since we've last spoke or even met each other. But I really do hope that he's doing well. Don't know if there's any chance of him seeing this, but still:

Hey you. Be happy with A no matter where you are okay. Remember if you ever need someone to talk to , you can always count on me. Don't know if you still remember me, but know that I'm always here.

-K

i love you? you know i do.

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My body might be shallow to the touch
We don’t mind though,
Do we?
Do you?
These girls are inside-out
I hope you get me right side-in.

And I think of that one night,
Together, breathing, twisted
Beautiful.
You saying you think I’m beautiful.
I tried so hard not to Cry.

Singing, skinny love, in your car
Do you remember how we started?
Basements.

Never a tear touched my pillow then
So how come now, when everything is perfect
I wake up crying?
I think,
What will I do…
When this is over.

I told you once that I like how we do things.
No months.
You told me we do things right.
Well,
I think we should celebrate.

We are only this young for so many twisted nights.
I want you to have them.
I want you to have it.
Why am I crying, and
Why am I afraid to say
I love you? You know I do.

-Lady