Friday, December 11, 2009

love of my life.


The person I am in a relationship with wanted to kill me this year. Yep. True story. Yeah, I would say it’s been a pretty bad year for us.

Obviously, she can kind of be a b*tch. The thing is, because she knows me so intimately, she also knows exactly how to hurt me. Usually by bringing up some sordid detail from my (admittedly) imperfect past. She knows, for example, that I had sex with my best friends boyfriend. Scorns me for drinking too much. Chastises me for losing my temper with my mother. Ridicules me for me for my lack of knowledge on politics and current affairs. She knows every physical flaw on my body and draws attention to this frequently. Particularly before I leave the house on Saturday night.

And, okay... I’m a pretty awkward person. No, I mean really. I do the most ridiculous things. I accidentally ended an email to my University tutor with “xx” (yet still didn’t do well in that subject). I fill silences with questions like “ you....have....many”. Yep. It probably sounds insignificant, but in these situations she will always laugh at me...not with me (see, I told you. Total b*tch).

I’m making it sound almost comical, but this year she’s destroyed my self-esteem. She’s like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, only meaner. Because of her, it’s really difficult to let other people close to me. I don’t feel worthy. And in some ways her criticisms have become self-fulfilling prophecies. She has told me I’m un-lovable enough that I’m starting to act that way.

The thing is, I can’t break up with this person. I know with full certainty that I will be with this person ‘till the very end. Because this person is me.

Yet, I know I’m not as horrible as I sound. Because I’m on this website. I truly believe in love. And I know most of you reading this must as well. But it all starts within. Last year was painful, but it bought clarity. This year I’m going to really work on the most significant relationship of my life: the one with myself. And I’m starting right now, not on New Years Eve. I want to start 2010 properly.

I know it will require more than just a decision to love myself. Because, honestly, the past year has damaged me. I don’t completely like who I am right now. But self-hatred has done me no favours, it’s time to let go of the inner Meryl Streep: this year I will allow myself to make mistakes in the knowledge that I’m truly trying to grow into a person that I just don’t tolerate, but someone that I truly love. Because, as Oscar Wilde said “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”.

L. xx (those were intended)


  1. I love this post. It's so honest. It's great. :)

  2. Fantastic. I hope your journey to love yourself gets better and better. Gotta remember, you always have YOU. It's better than nothing :)

  3. I hope we can both succeed on this journey. Thank you for your inspiring words.

  4. i'm doing the same thing in 2010 - focusing on ME. after two shitty failed relationships in '09 i deserve it!

  5. Wow, I can relate to this so much... thank you for it. I have many resolutions for 2010 as well. Good luck! :)

  6. Insert long, low whistle here... this made my mouth drop open, L! Nice.

  7. I love thissss!
    I always love every single one of your posts. I LOVE oscar wilde. He's my hero. His quotes rockkk.

  8. i'm speechless. this is the most honest post i read for the last-dunno- last year? thank you for making me focusing on myself now. keep it up for yourself!!!

  9. thank you for that post. i feel the same way about myself too and i wish i could get rid of that person.

  10. woah.

    im so glad this was posted. i needed to hear this right about now.

    good luck to all of us
    happy new year

  11. Wow. So powerful & honest! I hope L does better him/her-self and I also hope s/he gets negative energy and bad individuals that cause him/her low self-esteem outta his/her life! x.

    P.S. I can relate to the "xx" factor! xo.

  12. Very well written and . I liked it alot. Would think most people feels like that with certain aspects of themself. But don´t let the Meryl Streep part control your life for ya.

    If I dont make sense, it´s because i just woke up. :)


  13. this blog, and its stories, are truly amazing
    love will conquer all x

  14. I completely agree I always catch myself thinking absolutely horrible things about other people and its rediculous I really need to focus on being a better person because at the end of the day if you don't like who you are then why should anyone else?

  15. absolutley lovin' it

  16. I wish you the best luck and that you'll success!

    2010 will be your year, i know it

    LOL. I MEAN IT...
    this type of writing is very creative and interesting.

  18. This is post is very meaningful to me. Not that I have hated me to the point of suicide. No. But the idea of tyring to love myself for 2010. It's hard more so for me when I have been thrown into a new place that I am still adjusting to. I don't love my life the way I thought I would coming here. I hope for 2010 I can. I think I just feel like a disappointment to myself. Like a loser.

  19. i'm in exactly the same place as you... this has really brought to light why some things have gone so wrong in the past...all you need is love.. and that love has to be from yourself xx

  20. I understand more than you would think. I'm learning to love myself, but its taking a long long time and it takes many little steps along the way.

    I hope you keep remembering that it is worth it to shut the door on her at some point. You make mistakes, I made mistakes, but we are both worthy of love for ourselves, self-respect, self worth. You ARE an amazing person, and don't let anyone, not even yourself, tell you otherwise.

  21. I love this post! you sound so quirky in an adorable way and everything you've said is so honest. And all very true.

  22. I really do hope you succeed xx

  23. thank you for posting this; this type of love is often seen as insignificant and is forgotten. but this kind is i think the most important. you don't need a boy/girlfriend if you truly love yourself and are happy with just yourself.
    good luck L xx

  24. I like this post, sincerely, as one of the most raw ones on this page. I too, along with many others have doubted myself and have been the one with blood on my hands. It's interesting how low we can bring ourselves and how blind we become to how great we truly are.

    thanks for this.

  25. This is the best truth I ever red in my whole life! no doubt.

  26. This is so true. You can succeed at this, because i did. You have to remember that if you don't love yourself, who else will?

  27. This is possibly the best post i have read on LeLove. Most people hope for someone great to come along and make then feel loveable and great so that they can be happy and not feel alone and lonely, but honestly the best person to do taht is yourself.
    I'm not only to tell my story in a comment to your, but i can say there are a lot of simularities.

    I wanted nothing more than to wake up in the morning, throw some clothes on, and walk out the door contently without having analyzed every detail of myself. To go an entire day, have some conversation, laugh a bit, and not fight my craving to open mirrir to make sure i dont look like shit.

    and i can honestly say it took me a tiny chunk of forever (4ish yrs)to fight off the destructive voices in my head along with the depression it caused. But today i am exactly who i want to be, and can honesty say this to myself every single day. My head feels lighter to walk with and my body no longer feels like a wieght holding me down. Hateing yourself is Exhausting.

    I bet one day you will cry simply because you love youself so much. (does this sound too lame?)

    Good luck. (if you can go all that time fighting yourself, you already have the strength you need.)

  28. and a freaking amen!

  29. how do you love yourself?

  30. This comment has been removed by the author.

  31. wow. Love this blog. check this out

  32. i have felt this way for a while now. this year, no, now, i'm letting go. it's about time.
    thank you so much for this. i hope your journey ends well, i'll pray for you. and i'm going to make sure mine does also. thank you.

  33. This post... it really affected me
    It going to lead to backward progress if you knw what i mean
    U'll never be confident
    never believe in yourself
    u think u love her and she's perfect
    I don't think so
    I think if u believe in yourself and give yourself another chance you'll find so many people who will love u for who u are
    This constant flaw-picking habit, is not a good sign.
    i wish u'd realise that ur worth so much more :)


  34. I'm glad you've realized what you need to do in order to change. Same thing happened to me except I didn't sleep w/ my best friend's boyfriend, she did that to me. We're no longer best friends or friends really but maybe it won't be a lost cause for you.

  35. This is such a lovely and honest post!

  36. This actually inspire me a lot, you get so busy with others and you would totally forgot about yourself at times. GOod luck n all the best! +)

  37. Thanks for this brutually honest post. I think I (and many others judging from the comments) needed to hear this message and being so hard on ourselves.

    If we don't start accepting ourselves and our flaws, we will end up self sabotaging our future.

    gl :)!

  38. i like the way you write.
    you should read my blogs sometime.
    it's actually almost the same.
    and if you read it, comment me!


  39. i've read so many entries on this blog; this is by far my favorite and the most relatable post ever.
    thanks, L. i feel you, lady.

  40. I have made the journey from self hatred to self love. It was the most important thing I have ever done. Some of the things that helped me do this:
    -Carry the lessons: You will make mistakes. Identify the lesson, learn it, and leave the pain, regrets and negativity behind (it will only make your journey harder).
    -Try to do your best in every situation. Things won't always work out the way you want them to, but it is easier to love and forgive yourself if you know in your heart that you did your best.
    -Don't let negative (mean, stupid, rude, etc...) people bring you down: You will encounter a negative person every day of your life. If you let them ruin your day, every day of your life will be ruined. You must identify them for what they are (truly insignificant) and float above their negativity.
    -Put things in perspective: There are over a trillion stars in this galaxy and there are hundreds of billions of galaxies. In the grand scheme of things, the ______ that happened today is not that big of a deal.

    All of these things I have mentioned are VERY difficult to do, but are totally worth working on. My transformation took about 8 years, but I can honestly say that now I am completely content. Happiness is not fiction. You can do this. Keep calm and carry on.

  41. i feel like this all the time xxxxxxxxx you write beautifully

  42. When I read this I couldn't help but print this. I glued it into my diary. This is perfectly written it is so true for me. The only thing is, that I have to concentrate on myself and stop loosing myself in silly dreams of love that will never excist for me.
    Because I will be dead if I am lost in silly dreams hating myself so you can imagine how it will hurt to wake up...

  43. Love the Oscar Wilde quote at the end. So true. Learning to love yourself is so difficult sometimes. Your reflections on life are very thoughtful. Thank you for sharing!

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  45. Love it. It's so true. Sometimes when i read about love, it feels like people are trying to find something or get something from another person, that really is to find in themselfs.

    Here's the truth; To be able to give love, recieve love you have to stop running from yourself. Somethings are just ment for you to fix, because no one else can. It does'nt matter if someone forgives you if you cannot forgice yourself.

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