Monday, December 7, 2009

but there you are


here i am, remembering about us again. i don’t know why all this is coming back now. i’ve dealt with it in virtually every aspect of my life, because the similarities seem to come up in some way or another. and you know what? i haven’t let myself fall for anyone again. no one has made me feel the way you could make me feel, and i wonder if anyone ever will.

all i know right now is that i’ve grown up a lot since then. and it makes me smile every time i think about it. i guess because i don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, i loved it. i loved it at first when i wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. i loved the way you made me feel. i loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.

deep down though, i guess i always knew they never would be.

that was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and i knew that. it made it so frustrating, so ironic, that i couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. but it was because you were different. you were one of the few guys i always had respect for, you were the one who i laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. i don’t know if you knew it or not. everyone else sure did. but you gave me a chance, and i let down my guard. i tricked myself into having hope, when i so clearly shouldn’t have had any. and from there, i suddenly freaked out. i suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and i couldn’t do a thing about it.

for the past two years, i’ve been trying to let it go. trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush i might have with the past, avoiding any encounter i think i might have that would change the way things were. they were over. and i wanted myself to believe that.

but the thing is, it’s not over. i guess i’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. maybe i should have dealt with it better than i did. but i couldn't, and when i left, things were a mess. they still are. i thought it would go away; i thought i would forget you and everything we once were.

but i haven’t. i’ve wished so many times that i could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. i try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. that’s what i do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. i suppose i should be learning how to understand my own emotions. i certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, i don’t even know why i’m writing this. it’s not like you’ll ever know what i think. i am a distant memory to you, if anything. i see you and i can tell what you're feeling. i know things will never be the same between us. you love her, and she's all that matters to you. she's all that will ever matter to you no matter what i do and no matter what i say. and even though every time i see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.

i guess i should get used to that.

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