Monday, December 7, 2009

but there you are


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here i am, remembering about us again. i don’t know why all this is coming back now. i’ve dealt with it in virtually every aspect of my life, because the similarities seem to come up in some way or another. and you know what? i haven’t let myself fall for anyone again. no one has made me feel the way you could make me feel, and i wonder if anyone ever will.

all i know right now is that i’ve grown up a lot since then. and it makes me smile every time i think about it. i guess because i don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, i loved it. i loved it at first when i wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. i loved the way you made me feel. i loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.

deep down though, i guess i always knew they never would be.

that was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and i knew that. it made it so frustrating, so ironic, that i couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. but it was because you were different. you were one of the few guys i always had respect for, you were the one who i laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. i don’t know if you knew it or not. everyone else sure did. but you gave me a chance, and i let down my guard. i tricked myself into having hope, when i so clearly shouldn’t have had any. and from there, i suddenly freaked out. i suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and i couldn’t do a thing about it.

for the past two years, i’ve been trying to let it go. trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush i might have with the past, avoiding any encounter i think i might have that would change the way things were. they were over. and i wanted myself to believe that.

but the thing is, it’s not over. i guess i’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. maybe i should have dealt with it better than i did. but i couldn't, and when i left, things were a mess. they still are. i thought it would go away; i thought i would forget you and everything we once were.

but i haven’t. i’ve wished so many times that i could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. i try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. that’s what i do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. i suppose i should be learning how to understand my own emotions. i certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, i don’t even know why i’m writing this. it’s not like you’ll ever know what i think. i am a distant memory to you, if anything. i see you and i can tell what you're feeling. i know things will never be the same between us. you love her, and she's all that matters to you. she's all that will ever matter to you no matter what i do and no matter what i say. and even though every time i see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.

i guess i should get used to that.

-M

42 comments:

  1. I have to get used to the same thing. You're not alone.

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  2. god. exactly how i feel. i cant stop thinking about him- cant accept that its over- cant move on.

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  3. Moving on does not necessarily always mean forgetting the past. It's great to reminisce and think about how great things used to be. I always seem to take forever to finally "get over" someone. Truth is, I'll never forget them. There'll always be a part of me that cares for them in some way or another ...

    But you gotta open your eyes to the wider picture. There are so many other guys out there that are ready to give it all they've got who will appreciate who you are regardless of "league". These future guys may not make you feel giddy the way he did, but they can make you feel amazing just as much.

    Hang in there. You don't need to forget but you definitely need to hold your head up and fill your time with other priorities. Eventually, your knight in shining armor will come :)

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  4. I could have written this, exactly this. And the more I lie and say he never mattered the closer I come to convincing myself it is the truth.

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  5. I had to write something similar the other day. No reply.

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  6. you are completely right. i think everyone sometime in their life, will go through exactly that. i know i'm going through it. and it hurts. you are not alone.

    xoxo

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  7. Oh, hell. This is me all over.

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  8. I understand how you feel, only I had him then I lost him by my own fault. I hurt everyday. It's been 6 months and it still aches.

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  9. rahella:
    i love what you're saying. it's so true.

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  10. see me
    http://la-vie-de-virjil.blogspot.com/

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  11. its been more than a year and i feel the same way for her like you feel for him. recently i think she had a fight with this guy that likes her as much as she does and she izzint acting normal. this let me had lesser contact with her and sometimes i feel its better to move on but i dont want to

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  12. i feel the same. it didn't last that long but it was propably the best thing that ever happened to me. i avoid seein him. it's so sad because i exactly know that he doesn't feel the same way i do. that he never felt the same way. and i feel kind of ashamed and betrayed.

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  13. Im living that to, how do you get over it? how do you stop loving someone who loves someone else?

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  14. Story of my life. Plus he loves my roommate!

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  15. I'm going through exactly the same thing! I really don't know what to do with myself. I'm a mess.

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  16. hmmmmm

    this, certain parts of this actually i can steadily relate to.

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  17. oddly, this is a comfort to read
    i'm not naive enough to beleive there was only me going through this in the world
    but its a comfort in the way that love is inevitable.
    which works with you in a way,
    i mean knowing that one day love will find you

    mmmm, i don't know if i make much sense anymore
    but you know.

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  18. i miss when le love was inspiring pictures. now it has gotten kind of depressing :(

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  19. basically, you can be my twin.
    this is happening to me right now. and even when i think it has stopped, and ive moved on, its always there like a ghost haunting me

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  20. It's like this constant elephant sitting right on your shoulders and you and only you can see and FEEL it. It's so heavy that it changes the way you speak and your ability to smell. Everything you see is a little cloudy, except for him of course. He's the clearest thing in the world. The only thing that makes sense, and the only problem is that he didn't get the memo. The note that we were supposed to be together. It's that simple. So now you're there...where? wherever. It doesn't matter, he goes everywhere with you in form of memories and heartache.

    If you miraculously find a way to get through this, I will not only congratulate you but will forever be in your debt if you let me in on the magic. It's been a long 3 years..

    Angelique

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  21. I love your blog.
    I can feel the pain with you beacuse I feel the same way. I'm so inlove with a guy that I don't even can breath. I don't know what to do. Beacuse I can't tell him.

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  22. don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened...

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  23. i have never felt love.. fuck love but when i read this stories .. i just cant seem to help wanting to feel that love

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  24. This is sort of how I feel.
    See, we were absolute best friends, and I loved him, still do, and he left the school, and I stayed. And I never thought I would see him again, and moving on was hard. But then I randomly saw him, and we started talking again, and I realized how un-over it is. And right now, as I realize that he still hasn't answered my messages, I know it's not over. It doesn't matter how young I am, or who we are, I love him, and always will. And I get what she's saying. I'm just his friend, a person from the past, but to me he's everything, and I love him. and it hurts.
    Sometimes, love bites, and you can't stop it.

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  25. It's been 10 months and I think abotu him 90% of the time. I moved to another state and left my whole life behind to try to get over this one person, and I can't. He's always in my thoughts; always on my mind. And my story is the exact same as this one.

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  26. its been 3 days.
    i dont knwow hat i want.
    i dont know what happened.
    i dont know why
    i dont know anything
    i feel so useless

    but you're not alone.

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  27. i can relate to this perfectly, i went through something pretty much the exact same.
    I still haven't been able to fully move on, and i do still see her everynow and then.
    But i met someone else, someone who helped me but the pieces of my heart and myself back together, she is now the most important person in my life.
    So never give up, love will find you when you least expect it

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  28. channie,
    I feel exactly like you

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  29. It's like you've written down my life these past three years or something. I'm not kidding.
    I loved this guy so long that I can't remember how it was before and the worst part is I'm still not over him and as you write I'm not sure I'll ever be.
    But I do believe I'll find someone else, and I think you will to

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  30. hey,
    it would be very cool if you'd link to the pciture on tumblr.
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/maeeileenii/3725067322/

    thank you

    other than that: very nice blog.
    I enjoy it very much.

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  31. I'm in love with this. Please check out my blog (:

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  32. this is pretty much exactly how i feel. im still holding out hope.....thats all we have in the end.

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  33. Reading your blog made me cry. It hurts to really actually know that he's happy with someone else, but you know...i like to think that him finding her was only suppose to mean something. that it wasn't perfect. After 3 years i am finally past the angry stage....i still think about it but everyday gets better. because....i loved him too much to not want him to be happy. i hope he's happy. (frou frou-it's good to be in love) listen to that one

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  34. dis is exactly wat i'm feeling rt nw ...but here it is li'll different 'she f**king hates me'

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  35. I've been in this situation and I can REALLY relate to this story. As I was reading it, he kept coming back into my mind but now that it's been almost 3 years for me, his laugh, his voice, and all the good times we had, I can't remember them. I now only remember the things that made us the way we are now. We don't talk, he hates me and I don't like him. It's not our fault that our loves screwed up. It took me a long time to get over him and I just recently started realizing that. Love is a difficult thing to give up on and I'm glad I'm not alone in this battle of being hung up on someone. We have each other.

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  36. unfortunately i've the same problem.. i wish i could help U (and me).. i can't fotget him.. i love him...

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  37. i've been living this too and i cant move on.. we work next to each other and every single day i hear from him the things he used to say to other girls and it hurts so bad..i'm jealous all the time, there are days that all my love becomes hate, but it is just a way to escape from my own feelings.. oh, i'm afraid to tell him how i feel, he's so idiot!

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  38. fuck you really told everything i feel tonight

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  39. M!!
    Like the many above comments...i too can say "i am going through this" :(
    i knew from the start he was out of my league, yet my heart saw no indifference :(
    2 years on and every-something reminds me of him...
    we still talk...he talks as though nothings changed..am still supposed to be the best friend but nothing more...
    now it's just a matter of when i will stop remembering him...
    i know the answer is still
    >>>Not Anytime Soon...

    -xXx- Lala

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  40. It so good to hear that there's so many other girls ( and boys i guess) going through the same thing. I fell for my best friend, at the same time he 'fell' for me. I really thought I was falling in love and we would be together for a long time, then he got back with his ex-girlfriend. The sad thing is, he's hurt me so much although one word from him would have me running back to his side. silly, i know. The thing I miss the most is my best friend though. Its been six months and I dont know if I will ever feel the same about someone again. I wonder if he ever thinks about me...

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  41. there will always be that one person you will never forget no matter how long it has been. and everytime i see her, i feel like i could fall in love with her all over again, but the thought in the fact that she will never feel the same way sets me back to my original situation.

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  42. wow when i was reading this, everyway through it had put me in mind of a specific person i had this with, now he's moved schools, we never speak, and we're not friends. It sucks. -y

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