Friday, November 27, 2009
It'll soon be 2 years after we've broken up. How we met was really a funny experience. Whoever heard of meeting through staring incident? I believe that he was heaven sent, my guardian angel that was there to guide me along in life. Is it weird to say that I feel in love with this guy just by merely chatting through msn and phone? I've never talked to him face to face before until we got together. I spent my whole time in class messaging him even though he was just in a classroom 2 stories above mine. And I looked forward to every night because it'd be the time that he'd call and we'd talk till it was past midnight. My friends were telling me that I was falling in love, but I didn't believe so. Until the day that I cried because I was jealous over him talking to another girl. That's when I found out that what my friends had been telling me for the past month was indeed accurate.
Even though we didn't talk face to face when we bumped into each other in school, I still remember how I felt whenever I saw him coming or when I saw his backview. That sudden adrenaline rush, the quickening of heartbeat, how everything around me started spinning and slowing down and the only sound I could hear was how hard I was breathing and my own heartbeat. All I could see was just him and at that point in time I thought, "Wow, he is gorgeous."
He was a guy that had heads turned when he walked around in school. Standing at 1.8xm tall, with broad shoulders & nice body, big eyes; double eyelids, fair skin, looking like a pretty boy yet having the American badboy look, it wasn't a question of why girls would oogle at him publicly. How we got together was unusual too, he was shy and was unwilling to say his feelings out to me directly. But he showed his feelings through his actions. How he took note of my feelings, the way that I spoke and the way I sounded through our text messages was remarkable and.. stunning. It's like he could see right through me to the deepest of my heart and he understood how I felt without me saying a word.
I remember everything since the day we were together till the day that things ended between us. How we could just go around shouting in public not bothering if anybody thought that we were crazy because all we wanted was just to see each other smile & laugh and that'd be enough. How he showed me a side of him that nobody has ever seen before - a gentle yet vulnerable side. He was mine, and with just him alone I was very contented with life. Because life with him was never dull, I had something to look forward to everyday, even if it was just a smile. I remember how we'd walk in supermarkets pretending that we were married, cooking dishes; doing house chores; playing FIFA & betting on soccer together.
I'll never forget how his eyes seemed to sparkle whenever he laughed or whenever we met. How our bodies fitted so perfectly together - hands & shoulders. How his tone changed when he was talking to me compared to when he was talking to someone else. How he always winked at me when other girls were oogling at him to give them a hint that he was my boyfriend. How protective he was of me when guys tried to get near me and how he loved playing tricks on others.
I remember begging him to stay after each time he left. Sounds stupid but I never regretted it, because I'm happy of the fact that I once loved somebody this much, and to me, he was a very very very special person in my heart.
It has been nearly 2years now, and I've been in a couple of relationships only to realise that I broke it off because I didn't love the guys. Why? Is loving someone that difficult? Or is it because I don't have the ability to love anymore? It's a shame to know that I still have butterflies in my stomach whenever I think about us, him or when I hear his name. It becomes worst when I see him face to face, I don't even know what to say, how to react or what I should do. I just go blank and I'll be in a trance afterwards.
It sucks even more when I realize that I compare every guy that has interest in me to him, to the very fact that they're not him. And you know what the sad thing is? Some of them might even be better than how he was, but I guess I'm never able to see that. Because I'm afraid to fall in love again? Or is it because I haven't really gotten over him? Are you really able to love someone subconsciously? Even without you knowing it?
Am I feeling this way because the body remembers how it feels like whenever I hear his name? Or is it because something has triggered somewhere inside of me that makes me feel this way? Memories.. they hurt and they build me up.
He has moved on, happy with his girlfriend. And me.. it's been quite some time since we've last spoke or even met each other. But I really do hope that he's doing well. Don't know if there's any chance of him seeing this, but still:
Hey you. Be happy with A no matter where you are okay. Remember if you ever need someone to talk to , you can always count on me. Don't know if you still remember me, but know that I'm always here.