Thursday, December 3, 2009

i'm terrified


I need to write. I need to write, paint, cry it all away. I've found love, as ridiculous and impossible as that is. For me, anyway. I am a cynical person. In everything and everyone, I find fault.

I believe in love, I really believe in love. But for so long I've been too cynical, too logical, too damn scared to feel it.

I don't know where to begin. It all started with a drunken kiss. But in that person I've found everything I ever dreamed of. He has an overwhelming passion for life. An artist. A dreamer. When he looks at me, it's like he's staring at the stars. He see's a beauty I can't even hope to ever see. He can look into my soul, without me saying a thing he can perfectly articulate everything I've tried so hard to hide from everyone. He can't not touch me, stroke my hand, my back.

Anyone else, I would be in heaven. I would jump in and never look back. Even typing this, I feel my happiness being crushed. He's my best friend's dad. 30 years my senior. I don't know why anyone would want to hear this, to hear about this disgusting, sordid little situation. But it's not disgusting, it's not sordid.

I've written pages upon pages of letters and confessions. Paintings, drawings, I'm trying to put it down somewhere so that I can look at it and somehow rationalize it. I've written this email a dozen times. Sometimes I say that it's just too impossible, too hard. Other's I can't imagine having to let him go.

I'm terrified. What if my life, my family and friends, all crumbles beneath me? But what if in years to come, I look back full of regret. This man truly loved me. He wanted to give me the world. And I threw it all away because of fear.

The truth is, I have no idea. But in doing this, I'm keeping him in a state of limbo that is killing him. I tried to end it, I tried to be strong. But there wasn't a single part of me that was sincere. He saw that. He didn't let go easily and now we're back where we started.

Nothing could be more beautiful and true, or more petrifying.



  1. Darling, I don't know much about love, but I do know that love ain't growing on trees. You've got to catch it when you can, or it may be lost forever.

    This story was really heartbreaking, and I wish I could tell you exactly what to do, but I cant. I know exactly how you feel about your family and friends, and I know that it's THE hardest position to be in.

    Age is just a number, I truly believe it is, but I also know that society don't share my values, and that's why this may be just so fuckin complicated. But- remeber, true love may just come once in a lifetime and you better catch it before it goes away.

  2. What's more important, I think, are your feelings for him. He can love you like the blood in his veins, but what matters and what is really going to help the relationship survive is whether or not you love him back.
    Be honest with yourself, and with him. If you want to end it, then end it because you don't love him, not because it's the "right thing to do." If you love him, then you can have the courage to face your family and friends together, and be proud of yourself for having so much integrity.
    Love truly is the most terrifying thing in the world, but only when you don't understand your capacity to love. Once you are in control of your love, and you know where it flows, it will be your greatest strength.

  3. wow i did not see that one coming... i know break-ups are never easy, and the outcome is even worse. but sometimes it's what you have to do. i believe that you will find love again, if you decide to let him go.
    but is the love for him more potent than the love you bear for your family and friends?
    if you let him go, let time pass. do not give in. it's tough going through a heartbreak, and it doesn't heal in one day. it takes months, sometimes years... i think you would cherish your time together, and look back at it as a bittersweet memory whilst you're with someone who's great for you in every way.
    i hope everything works out for you.

  4. Hey,
    Don't be scared!
    I was 16 when I was with someone 19 years older than me. Maybe it was easier because I was so young, naive. He was scared, concerned with what others would think. Today, I don't regret an inch of it. I'm so happy that I had the courage to throw myself out there like that - though I don't think I had a choice in the end, it had to happen.
    Although it is your Friend's dad, that does complicate it a bit... It might be hard for him/her to understand in the beginning.
    But thinking of conventions and such is the least legitimate reason for breaking this off. It doesn't have to be forever, if you're thnking of the age difference - it might fade away by itself at some point. But don't cheat yourself out of this experience. If it is as special as you mention, I can promise you that you will regrett every day if you don't give it a go. If you do go for it, whatever turmoil it might bring will be totally worth it. I speak from my own experience, and also of others - I know many couples with an age difference up to 30 years that are incredibly happy.

  5. wow, you have no idea how close this hits home.
    Thank you, you're not alone.

  6. it's definitely not disgusting, sordid, or little, this is how you feel, you can't stop it, you can't rationalize it. I've tried, and failed again and again.

  7. You're not alone in this.
    I know the feeling.

  8. Thank you for sharing this. I am going through something very similar, with someone almost 20 years my senior and a colleague. We are both in purgatory - no beginning and no end. I sacrifice my twenties to be with him; I sacrifice my sanity to be without him. I would like the key to heaven or hell at this point. You are not alone.

  9. Such a different perspective on love than any one that I have every thought about.

  10. this is not a story. this is your life, your real life. but it really touched my feelings. i think i bonded with your words, because i could almost feel the unbearable of your situation.
    "do not let him go" is the first thing that pops into my mind. i can see that all the circunstances are overpowering, but i still have to say that you have to prevail. if you've found someone that you're sure that will stay beside you, no matter what, that is willing to stand by you, than stick with him and, yes, do not let him go - ever. make sure your love is worth it, and it must be judging for your words, and hold him tight. never to let go.
    (sorry for my crappy english)

  11. Wow. That was really powerful. And completely unexpected.
    And I'm going to be honest- I really am a bit torn with how to respond to this. I really would love to say that you should follow your heart and be with him no matter what. But that's not at all how I feel. By being with this man, you are not being fair to yourself, him, or your best friend. Firstly, I know that if I was in your best friend's position, I would never be ok with it. And secondly, though the saying goes "age is only a number", I truly believe that it does indeed make a difference. You two are in such different places in your life, probably looking for very different things. I think you have to really sit down and evaluate as objectively as you can whether or not this truly is worth it, for yourself and for the sake of this friend.

  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

  13. It's your friend's father. They are plenty are other wonderful men to love out there. Choose one that is a healthy relationship derived from a healthy place.

  14. Be with him.
    Love doesn't knock on doors that often.

  15. to the OP,
    how old are u?Does your dad know?

  16. Love is love, m'dear. You take it when it comes. Fuck what anybody else thinks.

  17. you gotta be a little bit selfish cuz we're talking about your happiness.
    If you love this guy, go for it.

  18. Wow, this really is a difficult situation. I agree with the other comments, that love does not come around often. But then again, what about the love between you and your best friend? It's not easy finding true friends either. Maybe you should try talking to him/her and explain your feelings. As for age, Rose said it best. It does make a difference because you're both in different places in life; it'll be hard to see eye to eye on certain issues. However, as long you both keep that in mind, and are sensitive to each other's views, overcoming obstacles will be a lot easier. I really hope everything works out for you.

  19. oh my heart. i wish i could tell you the right thing to do, just so you didn't have to feel like this.
    i don't know what to say but i hope whatever you decide to do, that it brings you happiness

  20. Be happy you only have one life ahead of you and regret is one of the most torturous things. Don’t be discouraged. Live, Love!

    "sometimes in order to see the light, you have to risk the dark."
    -minority report

    Grab it whilst you can darling. If your family and friends truly love you they will accept your decision even if it takes a little time.
    Remember love doesn’t always come in convenient packages.

  21. Today, I found out that my father asked my best friend to marry him. He's 38 and we're 18. She said yes. FML

    this was posted on fml. but if this is not a coincidence i think it deserves to be on gmh

    (the post)

  22. To all those saying that this is a wonderful, beautiful thing. What if the writer is 16? 17? Still so wonderful? Or illegal in many states, because of the inherent power that an adult who could conceivably discipline a friend's daughter is engaging in a sexual relationship with her. I don't know the details, and every situation is different, but power dynamics are very important to keep in mind.
    Also, I'm more troubled by the man who would be so disrespectful to his best friend. What does that say about who he is as a person?

  23. Stop worrying about it, and enjoy while it's around.

    My bestfriend had a similar situation, but with her mums colleague. I'll tell you what I told her:
    Yes, it might look or sound a bit dodgey, but if it makes you happy and you feel good then enjoy it while it lasts, for however long it lasts.
    It could be another month? another year? OR he could be the One.

    But right now, at this moment, if you are at your happiest with him, and truly love him, whats so disgusting about that?

  24. Love as a dream and love as a reality rarely intersect. It is easy for anyone to give into a fantasy and say the things we wish we could do. "Give in, it's beautiful." "Grab love while you have it" "Risk it all, love is worth it." But what do we do with the reality? We have to live day in and day out with the effect our actions have on others. True love is not about wreckless choices.

    And to say age does not matter is like saying maturity does not matter. I say this because at different ages we all wanted and saw different things of and for ourselves. What may be true love to you now may be a comforting infatuation 30 years from now. While I'm not saying to condemn the years between you, do take into account the life experiences he's had and the ones you've yet to have.


  25. I write this only because I ache from the experience. I dated a man only 15 years older than me last summer. Like your situation, I felt he was the most passionate, artistic, beautiful person and he inspired me. He had a daughter and I was still an undergrad. While we connected on our immediate environment, I couldn't understand where he was at in his life, and he always saw me as that younger woman that didn't understand.
    All situation are different. But please understand the maturity levels will be seperate and therefore it will be always be difficult for you to see eye-to-eye. I wish you all the best.

  26. I love this blog

  27. Go for it :] It could be the chance of a lifetime, but be conciouse & responsible of any consequence

  28. hello i havent read any of the passing comments but i thought i would share this anyway, i dated someone that was deemed of a 'taboo' age 10 years older than me at 23. The thing is, as much as it seemed such a sickly idea, the logistics of convention. We worked, we had lots in common, he was young at heart and for me it was refreshing to have a guy to be grounded and 'normal'. What ended it for us, was me. I focused on too much about the age issue, 'it just won't work', advice from friends that there's no future in this, 'we're in different times in our lifes' when reality was we were doing just fine. I fought a battle with myself and now I regret this but i miss him, he has a new partner who i assume he is happy with. However there was a chance where he leaned towards the idea of giving us another go. And i didnt take it. Why because, twice i fought the age issue again with myself and twice over, I still miss him. I haven't met anyone new yet and a part of me believes this is because of the previous relationship that i want to hold onto that I didnt take a chance with. I hope this message can help share some light in your situation.

  29. I've got something for you

    "True love is like ghosts which everyone talks about and few have seen."
    Francois de La Rochefoucauld

    You have seen it :)

  30. I don't want to be cynical, because the way you described yourself before this man is a pretty accurate description of how I view love and men now, but I'm going to put this out there to be the devil's advocate. A lot of people on these forums are saying to go for it, which I understand. Anyone who reads this blog is obviously a hopeless romantic in the best way, and we all want your happiness and if this love is true to its core than you should embrace it.

    On the other hand, there is merit in ages. Years are experiences, and knowledge. The older people are, the less important these years mean, but 40 is a long time. He's seen three of your lives. I worry that a man that's seen so much, and is so in love with someone with such a different amount of experience isn't an emotional healthy man. I worry that your relationship wouldn't be a healthy relationship.

    You know the truth of it more than anyone on a forum who read a page of your heart. I believe in gut instinct, and I think that maybe deep down you know how pure your love is. If this feels corrupt in anyway, I recommend you leave it as a sweet and lovely memory. Don't head into this tunnel if you're at all worried that you're going to be worse off coming out the other side.

    Good luck, darling. You know every romantic here is cheering for you.

  31. you struck a familiar chord.

    i hope it works out well for you and for the rest of us in the same positions.

    our love will be no different.


  32. if you truly love him, try and find a way to make it work. if you dont, do the hardest thing and end it. dont worry about finding somebody else. it will happen.

    i feel you,

    good luck.

  33. Why dont you pray about it to God I am absoluately positive he cares about your personal happiness!

  34. You know, I truly believe that age does not matter, and part of me wants to tell you to go for it. But no, i don't think you should. Not because he's 30 years older, but for the fact that he's your best friend's dad. Pardon the harsh words, but it would be really selfish if you pursued your happiness in exchange for your best friend's. You have the freedom to choose your partner,and chances are that you will meet someone else in future, while your friend would always have that 1 father. And it would forever hurt for him/her because family is family. Imagine if your father did that to you.

  35. I agree with anonymous who wrote "Also, I'm more troubled by the man who would be so disrespectful to his best friend. What does that say about who he is as a person?".

    Love is something between two people that no one else can ever understand. I can't offer any advice other than remember the love between your best friend and yourself. Does she matter? Isn't her love and enduring friendship worth keeping?

    Love can end, friendship can end and in the end you will only be sure to be left with one thing.

    Somebody elses broken heart.


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