Tuesday, December 1, 2009

i just wish you knew how much.


hedi

It all started one night in a dingy college bar. The typical over indulgence of alcoholic beverages, something many college students embrace with open arms. However this night was much more to me, it was the night I met you. Little did I know this would be the night that forever changed the way I looked at love. When you pulled me away from that table of overly intoxicated girls in an attempt to save me from any further agony I knew you were different. Our conversation was bleak and meaningless but it was enough to make me want more. I wanted to get to know everything there was to know about you and more.

So it began the little games we all play. Waiting two weeks to establish contact was something I thought little of at the time, because I had not discovered the truly wonderful qualities that make you so unique. From the moment I text you I could tell there was excitement on both ends of the conversation. You asking me to come play and me painfully rejecting your offers in fear you would think I was just some guy looking to get lucky. With every message I was growing more restless. Finally one night while out drinking with some friends I received a text from this new romantic interest of mine, my stomach grew queasy. I knew tonight would be the night I was go to see the girl who I found to be incredibly intriguing.

I grew nervous as I walked alone to meet you. All of this waiting has all led up to this one monument; my heart was pounding through my chest. As we make eye contact you could see the excitement on our faces. Our conversation was fueled by our intoxication instantly we both wanted each other. One thing led to another and that turned in to our first kiss. Tucked away in the corner of the dueling piano bar the world around us disappeared. This was a feeling of ecstasy I have never experienced before. I was hooked and wanted more.

It was from that moment that we shared together in the corner of the bar that I knew I wanted to pursue you. Hanging out with you became my main motivation in life. I have never felt the way I did about you. Not wanting to rush in to the sexual part of our relationship I waited for the right time and it was nothing short of perfect. You seemed so innocent, it was intriguing. It was not until the monument right before we had sex for the first time and you asked “you’re still going to like me in the morning right?” that I knew you truly cared. I was yours for the taking.

This blossomed in to an amazing relationship. Where my biggest reward was seeing you’re beautiful big brown eyes and you’re cute smile. I would do anything for you; you’re nothing short of amazing. However with our relationship came its fair share of problems.

When you drank you became hurtful to the extent I felt as if I didn’t even know you. You would blame it on you being drunk and I would accept this. Now, that I have had time to cope with our situation and our break up. I must ask did the alcohol bring out you’re true colors? Was alcohol what our relationship was based on? I find it very hard to believe you loved me the way you said you did if you can walk out on what we have built together.

Alcohol what our relationship was founded on ultimately was the demise of our relationship. Ironic I must say. This has forever destroyed any hope I once had for “love” to be found in bars. Alcohol brought out sides of us that we would never dare show in a sober state but even with this knowledge we continued to drink and drift further apart. Could it be that we love partying and alcohol more than each other? This is a thought that tears me apart inside day and night I cannot stop thinking about it. How could something that felt so right be so wrong at the same time? And why cannot I not give up and walk away? You treat me like dirt know, I cry daily but will never tell you this because of the fear you will judge me and this will only give you the upper hand in dictating the status of our relationship.

Staring at the blank screen on my phone in hopes you may text or call has driven me to my breaking point. I need to step back an catch my breath. But first you must give me back my heart which you ripped out of my chest that Friday night. I will not allow myself to be there for you, only to have you say and do horrible things to me. However after all of this and the pain you put me through why do I still love you?
I ask myself everyday where is the beautiful girl I fell so madly in love with because you surely are not her. I will forever love you because you opened up to me and let me see the person you truly are. I know who you are and this is not it to the slightest degree. I will be here with open arms when you find yourself, just don't ask me why I won't be able to answer that.

I Love you, I just wish you knew how much.

-M

43 comments:

  1. this blog is so sooo addictive!

    beautiful story.

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  2. this story makes me sad, im so sorry for your pain ):

    http://marshmellowness.blogspot.com/

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  3. Wow. Thank you for sharing this story. It touched something in me and brought up a fear that I don't want to admit. I'm scared that this is what my relationship is based on too and is why I am constantly so frustrated. When do you say I'm done even though I still love him?

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  4. Nice to hear one from the boys. Sometimes I worry that its only us girls that fret about this kind of thing; love and broken hearts and what not. Sweet prose M.

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  5. Sometimes I wonder why love hurts so much.

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  6. well, THAT hit too close to home.

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  7. I'm glad I get to see the pain that can come with love from a guy's point of view. Too many times we think our girlfriend's will have the answers to help us understand, but sometimes the male's perspective is what can get you the most.

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  8. she obviously had no idea how lucky she was to have someone like you. i don't know any guys who could write about their feelings like this, i loved it :)

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  9. its nice to see that there are guys like me who believe in love, beautiful story man

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  10. you make me believe in fairy tales.

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  11. your blog is so adorable ♥

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  12. Nice to hear from the male point of view for a change. I think everyone can sometimes forget how horrible girls can be. It's not always the guy. I hope you find someone who deserves you m.

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  13. Wow this is like two of my past relationships, except I'm on the other side from what you're writing.
    I hope everything somehow gets better between you two.

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  14. Male points of view should be heard more - they can give more insight into the male perspective than when us girls are trying to unravel every detail.
    Plus theyre just damn fascinating.
    I spose that's also why some boys read girl magazines - to try and understand us from our point of view without directly asking us.

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  15. If you honestly love her as much as it seems like you do, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and try to get her some help.

    If alcohol is affecting your relationship and lives then it's clear that there is a problem. I don't mean to be harsh, but it's the truth.

    Have a heart to heart with her. Helping her get out of this rut, no matter the consequence, will show her you love her more than anything else.

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  16. this was outragiously beautiful and so insightful. Anyone can be a victim in a relationship not just the girl.
    Hope she comes to the realization that you're love can do more for her than any bottle ever could.
    I also hope you find someone who can love you unconditionally and appriciate you for who you truely are.

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  17. Wow.

    "Staring at the blank screen on my phone in hopes you may text or call has driven me to my breaking point. I need to step back an catch my breath. But first you must give me back my heart which you ripped out of my chest that Friday night."

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  18. See girls. We're not the only one who dwell on love and all that has been. Guys do too. Thanks for your version of love/heartache. It was truly beautiful and pure. x

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  19. this sounds so similar to what happened to me... shes obviously a lovely girl but i think she needs some help, that dark side to her is not who she truly is that's the part she tries to keep hidden from the world and its eating her up its destroyed you and then its just going to destroy her, all of her... x

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  20. I support your theme.

    http://sommaieatworld.blogspot.com/

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  21. ' I will be here with open arms when you find yourself, just don't ask me why I won't be able to answer that.'

    God. Gave me chills... I could have written that.

    GetPopped at www.wet-pop.blogspot.com

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  22. those words explain how i feel right now. if only he knew...but i can't tell him. :/

    i feel so confused.

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  23. I need help.... how do I get the boy i love a gift for his birthday without it being weird? I have to post it so it has t be small.... HELP!!

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  24. this is an interesting perspective into the depths of a heart. i liked a lot.

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  25. I really enjoyed reading your love story.I dont think that you must wait for her coming back to you.. you deserve someone who is going to love you mutually.. I dont know. I hope that I will meet oneday a guy who is going to love me as much as you do for her..
    Take care.

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  26. Thank you for showing me that college boys actually have souls. Up until this point, I was convinced that they only wanted to date you so they could get laid and then disappear the next morning, but you've shown me that some of the good ones are out there, waiting. I hope your heart finds it's way back to you soon; it's a terrible thing to be missing for long.

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  27. I am the girl who is written about in this blog. To clear up the reason why I am no longer the girl he fell in love with is because he changed me in the first place. That "friday night" when I ripped out his heart.. that night, while influenced by drugs and alcohol and pills, he attacked me and pushed me down and shook me until I was scared for my life. After that I ended things. We did have a wonderful relationship. But violence is something I can't come back from. If someone loves you, they should never make you feel that much pain or fear.

    There are always two sides to the story.

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  28. i love ur blog, it's fuckin amazing

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  29. I just want to point out how you said, "I have never felt the way I did about you."

    Let's just quickly laugh at what us girls would say if a guy said this to us, I am sure M you meant to say something along the lines of "I have never felt this way except with with you" but it just ends up saying "I've never felt the way I did about you" which sounds crazy.

    I love your vulnerability. I love that you have a heart that aches. I love that you are willing to share your heart with us girls who crave men like you.

    Personally, I believe alcohol is a huge evil and should be kept out of love and relationships.

    Stay strong -- there are plenty of girls out there who will text you constantly.

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  30. love (sex) is addicting. the same pleasure areas of the brain are activated as when doing opiates. this story sounds like an addiction. its tragic, but i think they both need healing before they can really love.

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  31. I stumbled upon this blog and thought what a beautiful blog with a heart behind this that's beating with such hunger for love. And then I found out it was a male's blog. I am soooo touched by your writing, and it is already very difficult for anyone to gather courage to do that, even women, to pour out the train of thoughts from the very beginning.
    Such emotional inertias happen, and you gotta stay strong because sometimes things aren't really what you painted out to be all along, and what you thought was perfect and yours wasn't even there to begin with. Whoever she is, it's her loss.

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  32. Such a sad but yet beautiful story! It makes wanna find this great love, at the same time as I get terrified about it.

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  33. I had goosebumps when I read this story, it sounds like me... I'm the drunk girl that harm the guy I love cause she can't control herself...
    Or maybe I just wish that u still think about me after you drive away from me.
    If is you, Stinky... please let me know.

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  34. I know how it feels to get lost in a relationship when alcohol is in the picture. I've felt what you're feeling, and I've felt what this girl you're in love with is feeling.

    just know that it will be okay. you can't change her; she has to do it for herself. and she WILL. she will figure it out. and you will too.

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  35. As I read this, my heart began to beat faster and faster. This is almost exactly what happened between myself and this amazing man I know. The initial is even the same, only his name is Michael. I wish he cared for me half as much as you obviously do for this girl. You are a precious sensitive man, and I just know that it will work out for you in the end.

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  36. This was amazing. Its nice to hear from a guys point of view once in a while. and to know that there are guys like you out there, who actually wants more than a hook up. Dont be too hard on yourself, She doesnt know what shes missing out on.

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  37. Thats so interesting... its nice to know males can express this too

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  38. Well, I don't actually consider this is likely to have success.

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