how do you know...

justawildthought

how do you know if you're in love?

-brittany

way too attached

unknown + tumblr

this year

goldfishsoldi

I made mistakes this year, all of which felt gargantuan at the time—all of which seem relatively trivial now, but are still important, because, most of all, I learned from them. And so the embarrassment of these mistakes is masked by acknowledgment, embracement, and recovery through understanding. Though most of my lessons this year were taught in the form of feeling and fearing and losing and destroying love (of all things) I really think that love is one of the most important emotions to know completely, even though that is often so hard to admit.

I think that sometimes the most difficult person to understand is yourself. As you get older you quickly become more and more aware of all the layers. There are too many layers. There are layers to yourself that feel so normal at one moment and so horrid the next. And that is, in my experience, the most frightening feeling of all: when you wake up in the morning and you can’t remember the person you were last night. You look in the mirror and you can’t recognize the person you’ve seen each time you’ve looked in the mirror over the past nineteen years. Your actions are read back to you and you can’t recall yourself. You are ashamed of yourself.

I began this year in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart on the eastern edge of San Antonio. At midnight I parked my car underneath a highway bridge and kissed a girl. I had a feeling, even then--despite the kiss--that the year 2009 would consist of many pitfalls and reckless nerves.

In front of a coffee shop on the outskirts of Austin, I learned my first lesson about real love—it persists even after the parties involved have torn each other down. Real love builds us back up.

In the front seat of my 4runner, in the parking lot of a bookstore, at the end of the coldest months of the year, I learned that real love, however misguided, is forgiving. But also that misguided love is hopelessly flawed and, regrettably, temporary.

On a canvas on the floor of the bedroom in my parents’ house, I learned that no matter how hard you try to forget someone, you only carry them longer the harder you try.

At the end of March I learned I was not a smart vegan.

Underneath a streetlamp in the suburbs, I learned that no matter how kind and giving and honest you are, you cannot make anyone love you. I learned my own strength, and my ability to recognize an unhealthy presence in my life, and be rid of it.

At the end of the spring I learned that real love truly loves you unconditionally, even without reciprocation. But this love, I also learned, can quickly become greedy, and will selfishly turn you against all the exits in order to keep you under its wing, even at the expense of your own well being.

As the first signs of summer began to spring, I learned to understand the most unforgivable of actions in the most horrible way.

In a small bedroom lacking air-conditioning, I was brutally, gut-wrenchingly, and baldly honest. And in that honesty, I finally recognized to myself the real weight of my actions. I learned that some things are simply unforgivable, no matter how badly you want to cling to the notion that forgiveness is possible.

The final shred of evidence of my once respectable self was ripped away with the departure of my source of life support. I learned that dishonorable actions do not, eventually, go unpunished.

On the cold tile floor of an empty apartment I learned to accept my mistakes as my own. Most importantly, I learned to accept the blame for my own misfortunes, and my abandonment.

On the first notably dark evening on the year, I said goodbye to my family for the real first time, and I learned how much I could truly love and miss someone. And in the missing of them, I learned how much I truly appreciated them. I learned that real love persists, despite nineteen years of conflict and resolution.

Amidst a fever and the first signs of fall, I learned that it is not so much about understanding the difference of opinion, but the indifference of it. I learned that despite how much hurt is inflicted, or how much time has passed, or how much love is shared and lost and shredded, there is room for forgiveness.

On the first almost-cold night of November, I walked around the city of my newfound home, and I learned that the best friends you can ever make are the ones that trust you enough to be there to fall back on. I learned that these friends are the ones you owe the most to, because they trusted you first.

And finally, through the peep-hole of unit B, I spotted a missing link, and I remembered everything I had learned at once. I remembered so much undeserved love, the bitterness of its departure, the sheer pain of the emptiness it left behind, accepting all of the blame so silently, and finally feeling peaceful. And I learned another lesson in the art of starting over, however slowly or reservedly. I learned that the things you are most patient in waiting for are really the only things worth waiting for.

This year I learned to accept the fact that layers change, so people change, so relationships change, so love inevitably changes. Sometimes love changed is love lost, but lessons lie amongst the residue that are painful to face, but the most important to know completely, I think.

This year I have loved, ohh I have loved, and I do not regret.

-CLC

until the sun falls

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there are no rules

unknown

i don't know enough about anything to preach to anyone, i don't have enough life experience to make assumptions about love, about what it means and what it does to us. but i've caught on recently, to something. through a series of painful realizations, it's started to make an odd sort of sense. not real sense, but the crazy, uninhibited sort of sense that only love can make. i've realized that everything we make ourselves do, everything we put ourselves through, there's no reason for it. the things we say, the places we go to on dates, the pda, the hand holding, the little notes, we only do these things because that's all we know of love. that's what we've seen on television and read about in books. that's the kind of love that we've been taught, is real. but it's only action. and actions might speak louder than words, but feeling means more than action. it's like a twisted game of rock-paper-scissors.

i know that these things often do accompany real love. because if you're in love, you WANT to hold his hand. you want to leave a little note in his jacket pocket for his mom to find in the wash a week later, give to him, and know he's thinking of you. you want to smell him, you want him to hold you and tell you that you're perfect just the way you are. you want to kiss him and make him feel good. you want to listen to the music he listens to, just in the hopes that it will help you understand him better. you want to talk to his dog, and help his mom clean up in the kitchen, talk sports with his dad. you want to know everything. you want to put his needs ahead of your own, and you want to do it all so that he KNOWS you love him. but doing it when you're legitimately in love isn't playing by the rules. because in love, there are no rules. no one to tell you that you're doing it wrong, not even yourself. because to worry and nit pick over the small things is to look back. and love means not looking back. love means holding him, and being afraid. because you could lose him at any moment, but that fear is what keeps you hanging on. in love, anything goes, and that's okay. that's what is so beautiful about it.

is love fear? i don't think so. but what do i know? my life isn't even a quarter of the way through, and i think about things like this? i think about a lot of things that scare me actually. what i loved about him was that he was my best friend. he didn't scare me, not until he left. and now looking at him, every time, it tears me up. i wonder where i went wrong. which rules did i break? but i realized, recently, that the only rule i broke, was assuming that there were rules. because there aren't. i realized too late, that in love, there are no rules.

-leigh

♥

moschino

p.s. just a lovely picture. i didn't think a quote was necessary ♥

40 Things I Forget To Tell You

youcancallmekristin

1. God. School. Family. 3 most important things in my life
2. I will do everything to be a medical doctor. Even if it means giving you up.
3. But then again, I don't want to lose you.
4. I want you to be happy Comfortable with me. Honest with me.
Tell me everything that bugs you, even if it is about me.
5. I much rather have a Mr Darcy, Tony Stark or John Mayer. But I much rather have you.
6. My parents will love you. It's just not the right time.
7. I want my parents to know about us. I don't like lying to you. I don't like lying to them.
8. I'm scared to death with commitment. I will never cheat on you and stuff like that.
But deep down inside, I'm still a crazy singleton.
9. Sundays. A day for God and I. My other lover.
10. Saturdays. A day for you and I. My other lover.
11. The only time I ever lied to you these past 2 months was the day you told me you loved me and didn't want to let me go. I told you I had 3 chocolate caramel bears, and ate them all already. I actually had 4.
12. If anything goes wrong with us, promise me that we will be friends.
I hated the awkwardness we had last week. It felt like I've lost my best friend.
13. Please, tell me when I start talking or rambling too much.
I'm never as happy with anyone else but you.
14. You are the first guy I'm this involved with.
15. You are the first guy I kissed.
16. I rejected dozens of invites to watch that movie, because I wanted to watch it with you.
17. I hate hate hate awkwardness.
18. I'm suppose to be doing my homework right now. Not writing this note for you.
19. I'm scared of hurting you. Whether I accidentally bit you while we kissed,
or hurting your feelings.
20. I want you to do what you want to do, not for me. For yourself.
21. This relationship isn't going to start out as smoothly as you think.
I'm the worst girlfriend anyone can have, but I'll learn.
22. I want to date other guys, eventually.
23. I think I love you.
24. If you ever think something is wrong with me, and don't feel comfortable asking me, just get me drunk.
25. I can't do long-distance relationships. But there is always a thing called trying.
26. When I'm angry, it is school and PMS talking.
27. I don't do anniversaries. Phone calls. Text messages. MSN. Facebook. Stuff like that. I just don't like not seeing your face and holding your hand on the other side of the screen / phone.
28. I still haven't asked you why you love me.
29. You have to wait until your birthday to know why I love you.
30. I actually like your dimple.
31. I like PDA. But it's sexier when no one is watching us.
32. I don't mind friends knowing about us. I do mind if you, or I, are going to get into trouble.
33. Remember our priorities. Everyone and everything else first. Then us.
34. Tell me what you want for your birthday. You are a very picky person.
And that's one of the many reasons why I love you.
35. I will write things like this, on this crappy cheap paper, whether you like it or not.
36. If I'm angry at you, don't worry. I WILL tell you.
The good thing is that I can never be angry with you.
37. We can compromise. I'm not expecting much from this relationship,
but you have to be honest with me.
38. I want to know what you want out of this relationship.
39. I don't know how long this relationship will last.
40. I'm scared to hell right now because I love you.

- J

here's to hoping/coping

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give up on love or die trying?

scarleth white

Love is something wonderful, so they say. And I've trusted them, until right now.

How come I haven't experienced what everyone's talking about? "It comes when it comes," my very-much-in-love-friend said with a smile. "I didn't search for it, it came to me." She flashed another smile. Those two sentences felt like a knife through my chest. So, I'm just supposed to wait? I don't want to wait no more. I've been waiting and searching for almost 19 long years. I want to be able to feel, touch and taste the "love" that is supposed to be out there. Because love, that is what I've answered when people ask what I think life is all about. But now I don't know anymore. Because I can't keep hoping, waiting and praying for it to appear forever. Because then I will die without having to experience life, since the whole meaning with life is just that- love. It hurts for me to realise that love is all around me but somehow I'm not even allowed to have a tiny, small piece.

Should I give up on love, or die trying?

/F

sometimes...

lauryn holmquist + unknown

I will keep waiting for you...

lauragonzalez

I've never been so sure of anything. It's like, I've finally come to understand the difference between dread and fear, and those nervous butterflies that everyone keeps talking about. You want to know how I know? Because when I'm with you, I feel those butterflies fluttering around inside of me. But they don't make me want to run the other direction, like the fear has done before. If anything, they make me want to press myself as close as I can to you- skin to skin, heartbeat to heartbeat, because when I do that, the butterflies quiet their wings for a bit and they let me feel you. Feel all of you. And it's in those moments that I realize that the fear I feel is only surface level. It's the kind of fear you feel right before you turn on a bright light after hours of being in the dark- just a few seconds before you open your eyes to see something so beautiful, something you couldn't see before. For the first time in my life, I don't want to run away. I want to be with you, I want all of you.

But you don't want me, and as you go from girlfriend to girlfriend, hurting when they hurt you, you're overlooking something so important. You know that I love you, and you've told me that you love me too. It doesn't make sense that you would continue to go for girls that you know will break your heart, when I'm here- loving you endlessly. So you know what I think? I think that you're scared. You're scared that it's possible for someone to love you as much as I do, and you don't want to get hurt. But honey, what you don't seem to understand, is that I'm that one person who would never hurt you.

Even though it's breaking my heart, I will keep waiting for you to realize what is right here. I dare you to love me back, because I'm that person that you're looking for. The one that won't hurt you, will never leave you, and will always love you. That's me. I love you so much.

-amelia

i miss you

unknown + tumblr

the glass girl

dhnn_studio (modified)

I feel like I am made of glass. And at any moment, all my pieces could shatter and break. It's always easier to blame other people isn't it? It would be easy to say that he did this to me, that he became such a part of my soul, that his departure from my life sent me spiraling out of control. And maybe to an extent that's true. There's no doubt that I gave my heart to a boy who ran so far away with it that I'm not sure it will ever really come back. But to put all that blame on him would be naive, and I would never want to flatter him in that way. The truth is, I was broken before he came barreling into my life. And now that he's gone, I'm just one step closer to shattering. My problem isn't making someone else fall in love with me, it's falling in love with myself. I've struggled for years to be happy with who I am, and I made the mistake of letting someone else try to make me happy, make me more alive. But how can I fault someone for falling out of love with me, when I have never even loved myself?

i can't stop...

behance + tumblr

but he didn't hit me...

csebastian

I remember hearing my own heartbeat as I rose out of bed and stood in the shower. The water was not hot, but lukewarm. I had not been able to take a hot shower for months. The heat from the water made me ill and lately, that's all that I ever felt: ill. My stomach was constantly upset, I slept about 10 hours a night and took several naps throughout the day. I either ate huge portions of food or none at all. I woke every morning, anticipating that I would feel better. I had been in and out of the doctor's office for months and my doctor could not figure out what was wrong with me. I couldn't figure out what was causing my illnesses either, but with him by side, everything would be fine... Right?

Showers never eased the pain in my fatigued muscles. Probably because I could never take one in peace... *Bing!* .. "Oh lord," I thought to myself. "is that my phone? Again? What does he want now?" this was a frequent thought throughout my daily, morning routine. I would always step out of the shower to answer my phone, despite my being reluctant to do so. The water from my long, black hair would always drip right on to the screen of my cellphone. I secretly wished that the phone would break from water damage, because that would offer me some liberty... Right?

I always felt so silly standing in a lukewarm shower, responding to his text or e-mail. But I felt compelled to do so anyway and despite numerous attempts to ignore his message(s), the guilt always became too much for me to bear. "If I don't respond, he will just text me again and he will accuse me of not caring." Those were usually my thoughts when I contemplated just not picking up my phone. Stupid cellphone. He communicated with me via. every outlet; facebook, e-mail, text messages, phone calls. He used every outlet, every day without fail. It was exhausting. But he was amazing... Right?

"You're lucky you found me," that is one of the first things that he said to me after we had been together for a few days. Back then, I did feel lucky. He paid attention to me. He cared about me. He asked me about my day and about my feelings. He made me laugh and he gave me the best hugs that I had ever felt. His scent was sweet and mysterious.. His hands were large and despite their calluses, they used to trace secret messages across my back so perfectly. It was a trick.. Soon, I found myself at the mercy of his mouth, his temper and his desires. His words became my command, his mood became my own, his happiness was more important than mine, his desires became my wants and his needs were all that I cared about. I found myself anxious. I found myself walking on eggshells, constantly aiming to please him. "This is not me... What am I doing?" this thought was frequent too. But I didn't have time to worry. I had to work harder because if I worked harder he would finally realize that I was a good girl that would never cheat on him, as his previous girlfriend had. He would accept me then.

"Why do you wear heels? You know that I hate when you're taller than me. I won't go out with you in public if you wear those. Take them off and put on some flat shoes," I laughed. He said the same thing every time I put on a heel. Laugh. That's all that I could do. His insecurities were humorous to me and at the time, kind of flattering. He always questioned me about everything. Everything was a question and he had the answer; the right answer. We would get into arguments and my feelings would quickly be dismissed because "I misunderstood" something that he said. Or I was "immature" and therefore upset by his actions or comments. He never yelled at me. That was a trick... A trick that made me believe that he was a decent man. He never hit me or yelled at me.

If he got mad at me, he would just stop speaking to me. I felt pathetic as I would beg for his forgiveness - the phone calls, text messages and dedication of songs were never enough. I was non-existent to him for several hours. But I deserved it. I made him mad. The silent treatment was my punishment... Just as I felt compelled to answer his messages in the shower, I felt compelled to beg him for his forgiveness. I felt the urge, the lust for forgiveness. I could not stand the thought of him being angry at me. He was my daily life, my world. And I was his... Right?

Soon, I stopped wearing heels altogether. I stopped wearing dresses too. My usually fancy, fashionable wardrobe was replaced with fake ugg boots and sweatpants - a wardrobe that he approved of. I started lying to him about my workouts just so he would stop talking down to me about my "lack of activities." but the gym was not the same without my (former) best friend, who I used to work out with. I couldn't go the gym without her! But he had informed me that she was a "shitty" friend and to stop talking to her. So I did... But nothing was good enough. I began lying about where I was and what I was doing, just because I feared making him angry. He couldn't know that I had male friends because he would just accuse me of trying to make him jealous. All of my friends (girlfriends included) were "idiots, immature and not worth his company" according to him. He was right, I really did have some lousy friends. Or so I thought... My family was "crazy" he said. This was his reasoning for refusing to meet any of my family members despite the fact that I had met every single member of his. He said that he seriously considered not seeing me anymore because of my family. He called these thoughts "red flags." And according to him, there were "many red flags." these red flags made me anxious.. "Oh my God, I can't raise anymore flags... He'll dump me." these thoughts kept me so scared...

My illnesses all but disappeared. Attending class became a daily struggle. My muscles hurt, my mind hurt. I was glued to my cell phone, at all times. I even began texting while in class just so he wouldn't accuse me of not caring. My grades slipped, my relationships suffered. I began isolating myself because my time was simply dedicated to him. I couldn't see any of this, at the time, of course and reflecting on it now, I still can not fully understand how I allowed for all of it to take place...

He made me laugh. He offered me so much. He was fun, handsome, caring. His family was wonderful. This is truly what I believed while I was with him and on the rare occasion that I thought differently, he made sure to remind me of what he had to "offer me" and how "lucky" I was. I had to support him and I had to admire him. I made sure I laughed when we talked, smiled when we were silent and despite the fact that my desperate attempts at pleasing him were taking over my entire life, I felt as though it was worth it. But it was all an illusion..

"He's abusing you, Kaitee." I was paralyzed in bed, when a friend of mine told me this. My friend is highly educated and one of the most intelligent people that I know. I felt disgusted. That was the first feeling that I had felt in days... Our relationship had finally ended. It had ended before, but I really thought that it was over this time. I had finally decided to let go simply because I could no longer entertain the thought of pleasing him. I was suffering. I was completely distraught and now this? How dare this woman sit at the foot of my bed and tell me that the man that I care for so deeply, is abusing me? I thought to myself, "but he didn't hit me... Is she stupid!? He is not abusive." my friend handed me a printout. On this printout was a wheel and in this wheel were the characteristics of an abusive partner. The following characteristics were included:

-The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
-It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
-But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
-You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
-Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)
-The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
-The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."

I had enough of that list and threw it back at her. *Bing!* it was him again, I smiled. "He needs me," I thought. Much to the dismay of my friend, I answered. I talked to him for the rest of the day.

The following day, my friend returned with the list. I looked at it again and I thought that I might faint. I felt my heart beat again and my stomach grew uneasy... "How could I not have seen this? He does ALL of this and more!" I sobbed and I only left my bed to go to the restroom for the remainder of the week. I cut all contact with him that day and I have not spoken to him since.

I am no longer ill. I can take the hottest showers, my stomach is fine. I can sleep and I no longer feel fatigued. I suspect that the stress from constantly worrying about him caused my immune system to shut down. After I got over the initial shock of realizing the abuse, I stopped feeling ill. I have recovered physically, however, I have not recovered mentally. I now suffer from extreme insecurities. I am no longer a confident person and I suspect that is why I have my days where I miss him and sometimes I even wonder if he was indeed abusive. But most days, I wake up and I feel liberated. I feel free. He took a lot from me. More than I could have ever imagined. But a lot of my girlfriends have been supportive. And surprisingly enough, a majority of them have survived this type of abusive themselves.

I used to think that I was above abuse. I am 5'10'' tall. I have lived all over the world. I am a former model, I have been on TV, I have friends who are celebrities. I am intelligent, powerful and strong. No man was ever going to make me feel lesser or tell me how to feel, what to wear and who to hang out with. I was above abuse. And I would never be weak enough to put up with that type of behavior... Or so I thought.

This situation humbled me and it has shaken me to my core. I lost friends, grades and almost my very life to this man. I am currently rebuilding the life that I lost and I realized that a man does not need to hit you in order to be abusive towards you. I am telling my story on here because had I known about Emotional Abuse, I might have been able to avoid it myself. I am determined to fight back. This is just the beginning..


For more information regarding Emotional Abuse, please visit the following websites:

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Types%20of%20Emotional%20Abuse

http://www.kalimunro.com/article_emotional_abuse.html

http://wsr.byu.edu/content/warning-signs-emotional-abuse
--
Sincerely,

Kaitlyn V. Chadbourne