Saturday, June 5, 2010

this year


I made mistakes this year, all of which felt gargantuan at the time—all of which seem relatively trivial now, but are still important, because, most of all, I learned from them. And so the embarrassment of these mistakes is masked by acknowledgment, embracement, and recovery through understanding. Though most of my lessons this year were taught in the form of feeling and fearing and losing and destroying love (of all things) I really think that love is one of the most important emotions to know completely, even though that is often so hard to admit.

I think that sometimes the most difficult person to understand is yourself. As you get older you quickly become more and more aware of all the layers. There are too many layers. There are layers to yourself that feel so normal at one moment and so horrid the next. And that is, in my experience, the most frightening feeling of all: when you wake up in the morning and you can’t remember the person you were last night. You look in the mirror and you can’t recognize the person you’ve seen each time you’ve looked in the mirror over the past nineteen years. Your actions are read back to you and you can’t recall yourself. You are ashamed of yourself.

I began this year in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart on the eastern edge of San Antonio. At midnight I parked my car underneath a highway bridge and kissed a girl. I had a feeling, even then--despite the kiss--that the year 2009 would consist of many pitfalls and reckless nerves.

In front of a coffee shop on the outskirts of Austin, I learned my first lesson about real love—it persists even after the parties involved have torn each other down. Real love builds us back up.

In the front seat of my 4runner, in the parking lot of a bookstore, at the end of the coldest months of the year, I learned that real love, however misguided, is forgiving. But also that misguided love is hopelessly flawed and, regrettably, temporary.

On a canvas on the floor of the bedroom in my parents’ house, I learned that no matter how hard you try to forget someone, you only carry them longer the harder you try.

At the end of March I learned I was not a smart vegan.

Underneath a streetlamp in the suburbs, I learned that no matter how kind and giving and honest you are, you cannot make anyone love you. I learned my own strength, and my ability to recognize an unhealthy presence in my life, and be rid of it.

At the end of the spring I learned that real love truly loves you unconditionally, even without reciprocation. But this love, I also learned, can quickly become greedy, and will selfishly turn you against all the exits in order to keep you under its wing, even at the expense of your own well being.

As the first signs of summer began to spring, I learned to understand the most unforgivable of actions in the most horrible way.

In a small bedroom lacking air-conditioning, I was brutally, gut-wrenchingly, and baldly honest. And in that honesty, I finally recognized to myself the real weight of my actions. I learned that some things are simply unforgivable, no matter how badly you want to cling to the notion that forgiveness is possible.

The final shred of evidence of my once respectable self was ripped away with the departure of my source of life support. I learned that dishonorable actions do not, eventually, go unpunished.

On the cold tile floor of an empty apartment I learned to accept my mistakes as my own. Most importantly, I learned to accept the blame for my own misfortunes, and my abandonment.

On the first notably dark evening on the year, I said goodbye to my family for the real first time, and I learned how much I could truly love and miss someone. And in the missing of them, I learned how much I truly appreciated them. I learned that real love persists, despite nineteen years of conflict and resolution.

Amidst a fever and the first signs of fall, I learned that it is not so much about understanding the difference of opinion, but the indifference of it. I learned that despite how much hurt is inflicted, or how much time has passed, or how much love is shared and lost and shredded, there is room for forgiveness.

On the first almost-cold night of November, I walked around the city of my newfound home, and I learned that the best friends you can ever make are the ones that trust you enough to be there to fall back on. I learned that these friends are the ones you owe the most to, because they trusted you first.

And finally, through the peep-hole of unit B, I spotted a missing link, and I remembered everything I had learned at once. I remembered so much undeserved love, the bitterness of its departure, the sheer pain of the emptiness it left behind, accepting all of the blame so silently, and finally feeling peaceful. And I learned another lesson in the art of starting over, however slowly or reservedly. I learned that the things you are most patient in waiting for are really the only things worth waiting for.

This year I learned to accept the fact that layers change, so people change, so relationships change, so love inevitably changes. Sometimes love changed is love lost, but lessons lie amongst the residue that are painful to face, but the most important to know completely, I think.

This year I have loved, ohh I have loved, and I do not regret.



  1. Beautiful.
    Heartachingly beautiful. CLC, you're absolutely right - so many things in life do change, and there are so very few things that we can ultimately control.

    I have loved as well. Everyone has. I don't know a single person in this world who hasn't loved or changed in one way or another.
    But the biggest change, the biggest step by far, is moving on.

    Here's to moving forward with life, and love. Cheers! :)

  2. This is so spot on and poignant. The last paragraph speaks volumes of truth about love. You seem wise beyond your years. I'm 31 and have loved and lost and loved and lost again, so on and so on but still lack the courageous wisdom in your words.

  3. This is amazing. I want to experience even half of what you have, so I can understand the real importance of things in life.

  4. hey im got promotion from iphone 4g, sell about $ 100 only, this promotion close at 8 june, faster grab it, you can contact at

  5. It's lovely to read something like this that embraces life and change <3

  6. How strange it is, that in a completely different part of the world another person who is nineteen has experienced the same overwhelming amount of feelings in the past year. And even more beautiful, it seems we've come to the same conclusion.

  7. this is fucking phenomenal

  8. Amazing words, really enjoyed reading them, thank you!
    So much introspection here, we all experience this at some point in our lives, but I have yet to see it put into words so clearly.


  9. one of the best posts yet. i felt it.

  10. This is so amazing. As i read, I felt a bit like you were narrating my life. You definitely are wise beyond your years and you have a a wonderful ability to translate what you learn into really powerful words.

    Loved reading every bit of this, twice even.


  11. Hello there,
    I loved this photo so much. I found it on weloveit and I had to check the source. I sure hope you don't mind I used it [with a source of course!] in my post today. Thank you for your post

    Love and Peace from Elise

  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

  13. Poignant, and insightful. I think we often forget how transient life is, or love for that matter, really is. Though, it seems there lies something beautiful and calming at that thought.

  14. wow what an amazing piece. i feel as if you were writing about what i've been through this year too. you have a great talent.

  15. Thank you all so much for your comments - it is so comforting to know that so many of you have gone through experiences similar to mine and come out on the other end still optimistic. I really CANNOT fully express how much your comments mean to me, this is such a fantastic feeling.

    I am always open to talking more about le love, and I love hearing about others' experiences. This blog has been such a refreshing experience for me. Feel free to get in touch <3
    (Caitlin Conran)

  16. I think you are very very mature for your age!
    Beautifully written about emotions and situations that concerns all of us.
    Good luck whatever you are doing.

  17. geez, sap fest 2010. what happened to "no hugging, no learning?" and way to be a fantastic writer, that post was very clear and easy to identify with. if someone woulda told me i was readin that in a magazine i woulda believed it

  18. Simply amazing.
    Life's learning, life's changing, ever and it's changing so much faster than it used to do as a kid.
    We never stop learning, don't we? Thank you for showing me this. For - for teaching me this.

  19. This is exactly what I needed tonight. Beautifully and honestly written.

  20. I love the way you put words that otherwise seem so dull and almost boring together and give them life. the words jumped out of the computerscreen and into my heart and there they now ly in wait. for something. a lesson learned maybe.

    thank you for the honesty and the words. they won't be forgotten

  21. beautiful picture..

  22. Wow! It was really great and needed to read your piece. Love has been questioned a lot in my life right now, if some things are worth my love. I actually printed what you wrote to re-read again later and to a certian someone in my life... Thank you!

  23. Wow your only nineteen that is amazing, you have an inherent wisdom that cannot be learnt but comes from being incredibly insightful and having the ability to break down an emotion like love into the realities. I love the part about layers especially 'There are layers to yourself that feel so normal at one moment and so horrid the next' wow how often I have felt that way but could not have expressed it so beautifully. Thank you so much for sharing I was absolutley transfixed by your writing style, I hope you are persuing some kind of writing career, you have a talent!

  24. This was absolutely beautiful. It actually taught me some of the things I already knew, in explainable ways. If that makes sense:p

    Thank you again for this amazing blog. <3

  25. I love this. Its so relatable and so true. I'm proud of you for all you've learned this year. Keep writing.

  26. A very beautiful and honest depiction.

  27. this was absolutely amazing and incredibly moving. You have incredible talent in writing! <3

  28. like your blog. Thank you. They are really great .
    Some new style Puma Cat shoes is in fashion this year.
    The Nike Air Shoes is a best Air Shoes .
    Red Shox is good and Cheap Nike Shoes.
    If you are a fans of Puma basket,we would offer the good and Cheap Puma Shoes for you .the nike shox torchis best christmas gift now.
    Running Shoes
    Nike Shox R4
    Nike Air Force Ones
    Speed Cat
    JORDAN 2010

  29. i love le love!
    everytime i think about love i come here and you always seem to have something revelant to my love life. This piece is almost exactly what im going through and it helped me see what i need to do now. start over. keep up the good work


  30. so beautifully written! You are either passionate about what you write or simply a master of translating raw emotion.

  31. Ugh, I feel like you wrote all the words that explain the last 3 years of my life. All the words I wanted to write but couldn't string along into coherent sentences. This is truly beautiful.

  32. hi there - the photograph here was actually taken by me. i'd be grateful if you could change the image attribution to:




Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...