Sunday, May 23, 2010

but he didn't hit me...


I remember hearing my own heartbeat as I rose out of bed and stood in the shower. The water was not hot, but lukewarm. I had not been able to take a hot shower for months. The heat from the water made me ill and lately, that's all that I ever felt: ill. My stomach was constantly upset, I slept about 10 hours a night and took several naps throughout the day. I either ate huge portions of food or none at all. I woke every morning, anticipating that I would feel better. I had been in and out of the doctor's office for months and my doctor could not figure out what was wrong with me. I couldn't figure out what was causing my illnesses either, but with him by side, everything would be fine... Right?

Showers never eased the pain in my fatigued muscles. Probably because I could never take one in peace... *Bing!* .. "Oh lord," I thought to myself. "is that my phone? Again? What does he want now?" this was a frequent thought throughout my daily, morning routine. I would always step out of the shower to answer my phone, despite my being reluctant to do so. The water from my long, black hair would always drip right on to the screen of my cellphone. I secretly wished that the phone would break from water damage, because that would offer me some liberty... Right?

I always felt so silly standing in a lukewarm shower, responding to his text or e-mail. But I felt compelled to do so anyway and despite numerous attempts to ignore his message(s), the guilt always became too much for me to bear. "If I don't respond, he will just text me again and he will accuse me of not caring." Those were usually my thoughts when I contemplated just not picking up my phone. Stupid cellphone. He communicated with me via. every outlet; facebook, e-mail, text messages, phone calls. He used every outlet, every day without fail. It was exhausting. But he was amazing... Right?

"You're lucky you found me," that is one of the first things that he said to me after we had been together for a few days. Back then, I did feel lucky. He paid attention to me. He cared about me. He asked me about my day and about my feelings. He made me laugh and he gave me the best hugs that I had ever felt. His scent was sweet and mysterious.. His hands were large and despite their calluses, they used to trace secret messages across my back so perfectly. It was a trick.. Soon, I found myself at the mercy of his mouth, his temper and his desires. His words became my command, his mood became my own, his happiness was more important than mine, his desires became my wants and his needs were all that I cared about. I found myself anxious. I found myself walking on eggshells, constantly aiming to please him. "This is not me... What am I doing?" this thought was frequent too. But I didn't have time to worry. I had to work harder because if I worked harder he would finally realize that I was a good girl that would never cheat on him, as his previous girlfriend had. He would accept me then.

"Why do you wear heels? You know that I hate when you're taller than me. I won't go out with you in public if you wear those. Take them off and put on some flat shoes," I laughed. He said the same thing every time I put on a heel. Laugh. That's all that I could do. His insecurities were humorous to me and at the time, kind of flattering. He always questioned me about everything. Everything was a question and he had the answer; the right answer. We would get into arguments and my feelings would quickly be dismissed because "I misunderstood" something that he said. Or I was "immature" and therefore upset by his actions or comments. He never yelled at me. That was a trick... A trick that made me believe that he was a decent man. He never hit me or yelled at me.

If he got mad at me, he would just stop speaking to me. I felt pathetic as I would beg for his forgiveness - the phone calls, text messages and dedication of songs were never enough. I was non-existent to him for several hours. But I deserved it. I made him mad. The silent treatment was my punishment... Just as I felt compelled to answer his messages in the shower, I felt compelled to beg him for his forgiveness. I felt the urge, the lust for forgiveness. I could not stand the thought of him being angry at me. He was my daily life, my world. And I was his... Right?

Soon, I stopped wearing heels altogether. I stopped wearing dresses too. My usually fancy, fashionable wardrobe was replaced with fake ugg boots and sweatpants - a wardrobe that he approved of. I started lying to him about my workouts just so he would stop talking down to me about my "lack of activities." but the gym was not the same without my (former) best friend, who I used to work out with. I couldn't go the gym without her! But he had informed me that she was a "shitty" friend and to stop talking to her. So I did... But nothing was good enough. I began lying about where I was and what I was doing, just because I feared making him angry. He couldn't know that I had male friends because he would just accuse me of trying to make him jealous. All of my friends (girlfriends included) were "idiots, immature and not worth his company" according to him. He was right, I really did have some lousy friends. Or so I thought... My family was "crazy" he said. This was his reasoning for refusing to meet any of my family members despite the fact that I had met every single member of his. He said that he seriously considered not seeing me anymore because of my family. He called these thoughts "red flags." And according to him, there were "many red flags." these red flags made me anxious.. "Oh my God, I can't raise anymore flags... He'll dump me." these thoughts kept me so scared...

My illnesses all but disappeared. Attending class became a daily struggle. My muscles hurt, my mind hurt. I was glued to my cell phone, at all times. I even began texting while in class just so he wouldn't accuse me of not caring. My grades slipped, my relationships suffered. I began isolating myself because my time was simply dedicated to him. I couldn't see any of this, at the time, of course and reflecting on it now, I still can not fully understand how I allowed for all of it to take place...

He made me laugh. He offered me so much. He was fun, handsome, caring. His family was wonderful. This is truly what I believed while I was with him and on the rare occasion that I thought differently, he made sure to remind me of what he had to "offer me" and how "lucky" I was. I had to support him and I had to admire him. I made sure I laughed when we talked, smiled when we were silent and despite the fact that my desperate attempts at pleasing him were taking over my entire life, I felt as though it was worth it. But it was all an illusion..

"He's abusing you, Kaitee." I was paralyzed in bed, when a friend of mine told me this. My friend is highly educated and one of the most intelligent people that I know. I felt disgusted. That was the first feeling that I had felt in days... Our relationship had finally ended. It had ended before, but I really thought that it was over this time. I had finally decided to let go simply because I could no longer entertain the thought of pleasing him. I was suffering. I was completely distraught and now this? How dare this woman sit at the foot of my bed and tell me that the man that I care for so deeply, is abusing me? I thought to myself, "but he didn't hit me... Is she stupid!? He is not abusive." my friend handed me a printout. On this printout was a wheel and in this wheel were the characteristics of an abusive partner. The following characteristics were included:

-The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
-It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
-But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
-You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
-Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)
-The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
-The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."

I had enough of that list and threw it back at her. *Bing!* it was him again, I smiled. "He needs me," I thought. Much to the dismay of my friend, I answered. I talked to him for the rest of the day.

The following day, my friend returned with the list. I looked at it again and I thought that I might faint. I felt my heart beat again and my stomach grew uneasy... "How could I not have seen this? He does ALL of this and more!" I sobbed and I only left my bed to go to the restroom for the remainder of the week. I cut all contact with him that day and I have not spoken to him since.

I am no longer ill. I can take the hottest showers, my stomach is fine. I can sleep and I no longer feel fatigued. I suspect that the stress from constantly worrying about him caused my immune system to shut down. After I got over the initial shock of realizing the abuse, I stopped feeling ill. I have recovered physically, however, I have not recovered mentally. I now suffer from extreme insecurities. I am no longer a confident person and I suspect that is why I have my days where I miss him and sometimes I even wonder if he was indeed abusive. But most days, I wake up and I feel liberated. I feel free. He took a lot from me. More than I could have ever imagined. But a lot of my girlfriends have been supportive. And surprisingly enough, a majority of them have survived this type of abusive themselves.

I used to think that I was above abuse. I am 5'10'' tall. I have lived all over the world. I am a former model, I have been on TV, I have friends who are celebrities. I am intelligent, powerful and strong. No man was ever going to make me feel lesser or tell me how to feel, what to wear and who to hang out with. I was above abuse. And I would never be weak enough to put up with that type of behavior... Or so I thought.

This situation humbled me and it has shaken me to my core. I lost friends, grades and almost my very life to this man. I am currently rebuilding the life that I lost and I realized that a man does not need to hit you in order to be abusive towards you. I am telling my story on here because had I known about Emotional Abuse, I might have been able to avoid it myself. I am determined to fight back. This is just the beginning..

For more information regarding Emotional Abuse, please visit the following websites:


Kaitlyn V. Chadbourne


  1. I'm glad you finally woke up and walked away from that man.

  2. Wow. What a powerful story.
    I've never experienced that kind of abuse myself, but I've seen and helped friends through, and the one thing that always surprises me is the strength that people who go through abuse have.

    It's a seemingly impossible thing to go through.
    However, no matter how many scars and emotional wounds and pieces of your life and yourself that end up broken, people still get through. And that strength, that determination to get through that people possess, is one of the greatest things I've ever seen, or ever will.

    Kaitlyn, thank you so much for sharing such a meaningful experience and message.
    By simply doing so, you're doing so much more than you'll ever know.

    Thank you.

  3. I actually feel the same way about my boyfriend but I hope I wouldn't face the same path as yours. I hope your life is great now and onwards (:

  4. Sometimes I feel the same way but wasn't sure how to categorize how I feel 'til now. Emotional abuse is out there but not recognized or taken seriously. I'm glad I'm aware of this more than ever so I can better myself moving forward. Thank You.

  5. What if we simply can't let go, because you'll lose everything, everything you had? Including the most important thing that a girl has? You're afraid to be lonely, you're afraid of the future, you're afraid that you will be less happier, despite that you're unhappy now. Then what?

  6. Thank you Kaitlyn for sharing your story. Some of the things you said really hit home. I'm afraid I find myself in a similar situation. I've been with this man for five years - I've been having horrible stomach aches & I'm exhausted. And I am scared of him.

    Now I just have to wait for the courage and strength to let go.

    Thank you for showing that it can be done and for giving me hope.

  7. Thank you for posting this!
    Sometimes people forget that there are other ways to be abused, and its even EASIER to not notice them as they can not be physically seen.
    Good on you for getting out of there, and I hope your confidence in yourself will one day return.

  8. i have been in an verbally abusive relationship too, for my partner always found something wrong about me, always blaming me for everything, accusing me of never been sensitive enough. i read many things about this, is very difficult for the victim to realize the abuse, you just find yourself never good enough until you loose self esteem completely, they just want power , they don't care about what they are doing for you, but always think about what you can do more for them, in the end the victims becomes obsessed in trying to show the partner they are trying very hard.
    but the problem aren't the victims, the problems are the abusers. They are so fragile they need to get power and keep it.
    90 per cent of the time are women the victims, but sometimes men can be abused too

  9. My heart goes out to you, love. You are beautiful, and strong. My friend is going through the same thing right now. I'm waiting for her to make the realization.

  10. I felt almost the same way with my ex-boyfriend. It's amazing how manipulative people can be. I let him ruin my first semester at college - I never stayed out once because it would make him angry. I hope people read this and it helps someone. If I had recognized what was going on, I wouldn't have given him 7 months of my life or my virginity. I hate that it's hard to see things like this until after the fact. Hindsight really is 20/20.

  11. I've been caught in the same situation. My boyfriend and I dated for over two years and a half.
    We recently split and he still doesn't realise.
    I don't think he'll ever realise.

    I feel selfish. I'm doing this for ME. But we'll be ok. I'll be ok.

  12. wow, this really made me cry. that's because of your emotional, touching and sad story, but also because I've been through the same thing some years ago. actually it feels like it was me who wrote every word of all this.
    it's quite interesting and scary how long time it can go until you really understand that it is Emotional Abuse. what is also scary is that I didnt realize what he was doing even the day when I left him. I left him because I didn't have that strong feelings for him anylonger and I wonder how long I would have stayed with him if I still were in love.

    even if it took me about two years after our break-up to not feeling sad about all of it, it surely have formed the person I am today. and that's in both negative in positive ways. I've had a couple of strong relationships after ours and I really have seen what he has done to me and my personality. I've been very very sensitive and passive in different conflicts. I havent had the strength to argue in situations with my boyfriends and just felt guilt. (by the way I couldn't had more lovely and sympatethic boyfriends after that terrible relationship) and if I would say some positive things it's that I am very carying and loving in a different way today. I know what I need and what I don't and there actually is some situations when I've been very thankful to what I've been through. I've had the strength to don't give a piece of my heart when it hasn't felt right with a person.

    but the biggest thing I've learned of all of this is that both negative and positive experiences is good experiences. you just have to work with how you can handle them.

  13. I think you are the bravest person ever for sharing your story unanonymously and encouraging others to seek help.

  14. That sounds exactly like what I've just been through. I've given up on trying to make him happy, or tell him i'm sorry i left him, because every time he just tries to control me all over again.
    So glad he's out of my life, so glad I don't have to worry about how he is feeling.
    So weird how pretty much everything you said is exactly the same.

  15. What a powerful story. Thank you for sharing this story with all of us.

    I hope your life is beautiful and good now.
    Thank you.

  16. Just this morning I started a letter. I wrote the first sentece " I have been feeling ill for a vouple of months and I know its not physical but I don´t know what bothers me." This was all I wrote. I did´nt know what more to say, and then I read this post, suddenly realising why I carry this stomach ache. It´s because of him.
    Thank you for making me aware. I still don´t know what to do, I don´t know if it´s so bad. I mean, I could live with a little illness, right?

  17. Thankyou for sharing your story. My (now) husband used to be emotionally abusive. Luckily he didn't go to crazy extremes but it was hurtful and stressful and I found that I was losing myself. He didn't understand it but I stood up to him. I was lucky. I have a rare man who really desperately wanted to heal and be better. He hasn't done it since I confronted him with a list like the one your friend showed you.

    I know a girl who is being emotionally abused far worse than I was. I wish for her that she would get through it and see another possibility for her life. She is engaged to this guy and she tries to put off the wedding and have space between them but she has lately told me she wants kids with him really soon. This makes me so sad.

    I hope you're an inspiration to so many other people in your situation. Male or female.

  18. I think this is one of the best posts in here, of all time. Thank you so much for sharing.

  19. Wonderful post! I have been in a similar situation myself and it was so difficult to leave, as every time I did he would call me countless times and beg for me back each time telling me over again that he would change, and of course he never did. Any one in this situation should get out, you deserve better and will feel such a weight off your shoulders. No relationship is better than an abusive one

  20. It's the worst, isn't it? You'll rebuild, I did!

  21. Thank you so much for posting this. Sometimes I feel illness and the stomach ache is a routine in my life But, honestly, I don't know yet if my boyfriend is being emotional abusive to me. For sure, now, I'll keep my eyes open and stop being so passive in our relationship.

  22. Oh god was this story familiar. It's good that people talk about it, it's good that people know 'cause I sure as hell didn't before I reached my limits with her trying to choke me to death.

    So thanks for writing about the things I never could.

  23. thanks so much for posting this. I never really knew how abusive my relationship was until I ended it and felt so much more free. It is so incredible how someone can just make you believe they are totally right and tell you how to behave. Especially when you believed you were a strong woman with strong morals. Welldone on cutting it off.
    Good luck for the future relationships.

  24. Wow, this made me cry and realize how close my own situation is to this. I couldn't have put it better. Thank you.

  25. O___________________________O

    haha sorry,I love that show n_n
    Great and deep story

  26. been there, still there, getting over it, thanks for making me feel less alone (: xoxo

  27. omg i was in a relationship like that once.When my ex once told me "Honestly babe, you cant' do any better than me."
    i got so mad, but i let it happen. I was with him way longer than i should have. I thought he was my everything. I worshipped him, i thought it was love, but it wasn't. At times when i see him, i want to run up to him and just hold him, but i cant. I refuse to go through that pain again.
    Thank you.

  28. I know what you have been through...You must be really strong... Thank you for sharing and i hope this message goes round so everyone in such a situation will know what they are going thru.

  29. yes, that man was abusive. it was very brave of you to walk away, to start taking care of yourself. i was in a relationship like this too, and i realized that i small traces of my behavior bled into other relationships, whether or not i was with the abuser. i am a co-dependent, and i started a 12-step program for co-dependents. my ex was an alcoholic, so i started Alanon, but they do have co-dependents anonymous. for your sake and those in relationships with you, please consider a 12-step program.

  30. I read this and just cried. These type of men can make you lose yourself. It took me 7 years to figure this out. I lost myself. It was all emotional and mental abuse or mistreatment, not physical. It's slow and subtle and before you know it the you that everyone loved is gone.

    Someone you love will not deny you everything that that brings you joy and happiness and makes you yourself. Men like the one in this story are threatened by things that make you happy and bring you joy, b/c that can lead you away from them. Love makes you free, it doesn't confine you. it all sounds so cliche, but when you have gone through hell it really is that simple. I am so angry at myself for not listening, for not figuring it out earlier and being strong enough to do something about it. It was a hard lesson to learn but I'm better and wiser for it.

    I'm also learning to love again in a much healthier relationship. I fear everyday that somehow the person I was with rubbed off on me and I will make someone feel the way he made me feel. It gives me panic attacks. I just try to be careful and thoughtful, and take it day by day. <3

  31. Thank you for sharing this story! YOU ARE BRAVE. I am sure that many other girls, women and men as well are going through the same situation. Love makes you fly! Love does not imprison! I am sure that you are geting better. I understand you completely.

  32. thank you for putting into words what I could only feel.

    I'm being treated for PTSD because of a past relationship with a BPD/NPD.

    I still hope he dies for causing me so much pain and for making me feel like a complete looser that allowed myself to be treated that way.

  33. My best friend, who just happens to be a gay guy, was in this situation. His boyfriend was manipulative, hurtful, and had no respect for anybody. I hear ya girl.

  34. The thing is that we all need to realise that we deserve love and no abuse! Walk away from people who treat you badly. May be that behave in that way because they were victim of abuse too.
    Good luck to you and to everyone!

  35. Everything in this post about what this man did to this woman is what my boyfriend has done to me. I can no longer wear make-up, high heels or talk to some of my friends. Sadly, I have lost one of my best friends I have ever had. We no longer talk, and it is all because of me, or him.. I don't really know.

  36. The most important thing in life is to learn to love yourself. If you respect yourself noboby can abuse you - physically or emotionally. Because you will never let anybody treat you like that.

    Thanks, for sharing your story with us!

  37. I ve never understand, why there is so much violence and abuse in this life??????
    tell me why?

  38. i grew up knowing my biological father was not a good man. he would yell at my mom and i and make us feel like we were only inches tall... he would hit my mom, never hitting me, but his words i think were just as powerful. it was a daily and nightly occurrence that consumed our lives.
    when i was 7, my mom got the courage to leave him and we didn't look back. i was diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) at age 8. i promised myself that i would NEVER be with a man who made me feel like my father did... that was until the end of my freshman year of college when i met Chris.
    i was the outgoing, fun, full of life girl. the one you wanted to hang out with. i had a great group of friends but he made me feel special and sexy and wanted. things i had never completely felt from my past boyfriends. i'll never forget our first fight... it was started because of something he'd done, yet i found myself later that night begging for him to talk to me because HE was mad at ME. my need to please the people i care about took over from there.
    for 13 months our relationship consisted of daily 'problems' he had with me. some days he would decide out of nowhere to be angry with me over something that happened months before. i was never pretty enough. the 5 extra lbs i had gained because of the stress made me huge and fat and ugly. i was dumb.. there was no way my A in a class was equal to anything he could do. i stopped eating, stopped sleeping bc i was constantly on his schedule and making sure he was pleased with me. i lost all of my friends bc he didn't like them. i stopped attending class. my phone, computer, and even my notebooks were subject to random searches by him, yet i was never allowed near his phone or to ask why girls would text him at late hours.
    my mom saw my spiral out of control and was terrified for me. it didn't matter though, because i knew what i was doing, everything would be ok, as long as i could make him happy. i stopped talking to her because he thought she was nosy and a bad mom.
    i don't remember what started our last fight. i only know that by the end of it he had threatened to come through my window and hurt me in ways i'd never known before. it was like a flip in my head turned on. i couldn't and shouldn't be doing this anymore. i called my mom that night at 3 am and cried for hours as she listened to my whole sad 13 month story.
    its been 4 years almost to the day since then. so your story hit me in a lot of special ways. because i was you. who couldn't even see the emotional and verbal abuse right in front of her.. even worse i'd seen it as a child and broke my own promise to myself. its been a long slow climb back. my confidence was shattered after chris. i had so many insecurities. the slightest problem with a friend or loved one sent me into panic attacks that they were mad at me and would leave me. i tried dating a year after and found i couldn't let myself trust any guy. its taken the full 4 years to relearn that trust. but i've fought back and am now more determined than ever to help others
    i'm sorry to say there are alot of women like us. it's why i changed my major to psychology and am now in a graduate program with an emphasis on women's health.
    thank you for sharing kaitlyn. i love your bravery and i'm so very proud of you.

    Dallas, Texas

  39. oh, just too scary. my heart is with you.

  40. i'm in tears reading this because i've been there, your story is mine. thank you for sharing

  41. You are really strong. Beautiful act, you have to love yourself before anything or him.

  42. stop being so ridiculous. you should of stood up for yourself instead of being a puppet. i don't feel bad for you because you could of prevented this.

  43. to the insensitive person who posted above me:

    please keep your criticisms and judgements to yourself. who are you to judge another if you have never been in that situation? if you had taken the time to read other posts before yours, you would have seen that there are a lot of us who have suffered, survived, and prevailed through similar stories. being caught in something like this does NOT make you week, worthless, or mean you could have prevented it. it means you are human.

    kaitlyn, though i've never met her, nor spoke to her before in my life, is a beautiful woman on the inside and out. and is no where near the ridiculous person you claim her to be.

    in fact, your wording in your comment above, especially 'you could have prevented this,' makes me feel as if YOU would be an individual who could emotionally abuse another.

  44. Thats such a powerful story I feel sorry But happy that you managed to get out of that abusive relationship. Sadly these things do happen every day to so many people and many don't realize. But it's good that you made it through!!! Keep telling your story, it will change many lives, trust me!

  45. thank you so much for sharing your story! and also for posting the links...while reading the warning signs for emotional abuse I realized for the first time that my father was an emotional wasn't me, it was him.


  46. I feel like I could have written this word for word. It's uncanny - i read the entire thing wide eyed and open mouthed because it is literally the last 2 years of my life in so many paragraphs. wow.

  47. Thank you...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

  48. THank you for this.
    I now realize that my previous relationship was abusive. I'm glad it ended. I can now put a finger on why I have so many insecurities.

  49. Thank you Kaitlyn for sharing your story! You are barve and you are helping other people facing the reality of their abuse and those bad experiences! Admitting something, is the half way towards solution.
    Loving myself, loving yourself is the way to love the other.. truely and unconditionally.

  50. There is so much I can say, But thank you from me and so many other women who have been through or are going through the same thing.


  51. i am a victim of emotional abuse that led to physical abuse b/c i didn't know how to get out of it. I tried everything to please my 'other half' and it was never enough. He constantly made up stories to keep me around... when none of it ever came true. I let him move in with me. I fed him. I pleased him... I loved him and all i got was academic probation, bruises, and the lack of knowing how to care for a guy. I am now afraid of boys. I fear pain from all of them. I see them hitting me, yelling at me, and scorning me for living my life. I am slowly beginning to trust people again but my main goal is loving myself. That is what happened to me... I lost all the love for myself... anyone who feels they are going through this, grab your bestfriend and run. spend the night with them til your heart beats again and the nights don't scare you. cuddle your dog, cat, prairie dog,... or buy one. Just because someone seems like they're perfect when you meet them sure as hell doesn't excuse the demons you find out after months of getting to know someone. With time, you learn... and if you learn to hate and are disgusted... leave. People don't change if you try to make them. There are 6 billion people in the world... and counting. There is someone else who will love you. Be picky. stay strong. Love yourself and never lower your standards. Someone will fit one day....

    i write a blog that helps get the anger out of us women... from all the d-bags we meet. it's based on my life, and being a pisces and can honestly say, i've been through so much and met so many people. more than any of my friends. most blogs i write are about the boys i talk to or something my friends have experienced. ... i always give a good soundtrack with it.

  52. Meredith, you left me speechless with your wiriting above! I am glad that they are brave women like you and Kaitlyn out there..

    Keep strong and always believe in your strength and that you deserve LOVE as every human..

  53. My name is Kaitlyn and I am the author behind this story. I did not realize that it had been featured until today and I just wanted to thank each and every one of you. Your comments have provided me with a lot of strength and I feel so touched by your feedback. Thank you for sharing.

    I speak from personal experience when I say that a situation like this can make a person feel really isolated and alone. I hope all of you will think of this blog post if you ever feel alone again. You're not alone.

    Thank you all again. From the bottom of my heart.

  54. If any of you ever need anything, please e-mail

  55. First, thank you for sharing this experience, its sad to hear it, but its a comfort to know there is always someone that relates.

    Its been more than 3 years since my abusive relationship, and I've reached a point where I can look back and appreciate how much I learned.

    I am young, and I was yet younger when I started dating him. The sad thing is that I was never oblivious to what he was doing. I could see it happening, but it was kinda like an out of body experience. I don't know how I lasted the 2 years I did with him, because it has never been in my nature to be passive. And that's exactly what I was with him. I would submit to his whims and swallow his illogical arguments and shoulder all the blame. And my phone was never far from me, for I would get hell if I didn't answer.

    But one day I just couldn't bear it anymore. I feel empowered by the fact I left him, without glancing back. But I feel perplexed by the way I still miss him sometimes and how I question myself. How his memorized phone number still tempts me to give him a call.

    But like I said, I'm young, and this thing only taught me what to look out for, what to run from, and what to cherish.

    I still feel insecure sometimes, but not so much these days.

  56. Kaitlyn,

    I never have been so taken back by anything before. When I read this story I couldnt help but think the whole entire time about how my relationship compared to the one that you had, but a little different. This has inspired me to think more about myself and my needs, because no matter what I am the only one guarenteed to be there for myself in the end. I thank you so much, not only for your wonderful advice, but for also being my friend.

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