♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

unknown

if there is something i believe in...

unknown

Do you believe in what people call ‘soulmates’? I, for one, do not. I’ve been told my way of looking at love is cynical but I don’t think so. I believe that a person call fall in love with anyone, given the timing is right. People fall in and out of your life, I don’t believe in destiny, things happen for no reason and you are left to try to control it - although you know you can’t. I only try to convince myself things are meant to be when something negative happens. But in the end, I don’t think it works like that.

My friends are not my friends because they are better than other people - I’ve learned to love them by being around them and getting to know them. If I spent time with most people, granted they weren’t extremely rude and had no interest in me, I could probably love them just as much as I love my friends now.

But somethings I find harder to explain, like the way you can meet people who just feel right for you. But then again, this might also be coincidence - and timing. But it is all so very shallow. I wish I could look at people and oversee their physical appearance. But of course that’s not possible. But if it was, I really wonder what I’d see.

But do not mistake me, if there is something I believe in it is love.

- K

happy new year!

weheartit

may 2010 bring you all you wish for and more!!!

♥

you're in my head

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i would rather be alone

roc21

This was written a year ago, but I still fight with myself: Love, or no love? Destroy myself, or fix it?

I have never known love.
I have never been held by somebody who said
“We fit together”.
There has never been another
And that is fine.
I can’t live up to someone’s standards
And I can’t give more than I can take
Of my heart to only one.
There isn’t a part of me
That I can let ache
Because I need him by me.
It means I'm not sure I can be faithful.
I can’t give up drinking, and messing myself up,
Until I am tangled and bent.
It is my art, and it is an instinct
To remain convoluted and tormented.
It’s not a burden I can lay on someone without guilt.
Everyone is shallow to some extent,
And unless he is beautiful superficially,
I won’t be able to step out holding his hand.
Walk, head held high,
Telling the crowd that yes, he is mine
And I am his.
There are parts of me I love,
Slender ankles, fragile eyes,
But too many that I hate.
So it is impossible to believe someone
Who tells me that I am deadly
Beautiful,
Until those parts are blotted out, fixed.
I will continue to deal with anorexia and depression,
States that will always threaten to asphyxiate me
And I understand these are things that most people can’t understand.
This sort of continual struggle
Which I let creep beneath my thoughts
Every single fucking day.
Parts of me that are locked away,
Quietly pushed to the furthest corners
Under the bed
Shamefully.
There are dreams of coffee in the morning,
Cigarettes after sex,
Fingers down my back,
And falling asleep on his lap.
But I am unsure of what to say, and how to act
So he won’t feel oppressed or worse
Unloved.
I swing between extremes,
And there is no in between.
I live explosively, and that’s not something
Easily accepted.
Terrified of all these rules and warnings
And reining back,
I would rather be alone.

-i'd like to remain anonymous.

eaten alive by it

just bears + adorechic

it's difficult to love yourself.

thanks lizzie!

i dream of you sometimes…

kenichihoshine

I dream of you sometimes
Yearning for your image to exist outside my mind
Hoping that it will only be a matter of time
Before we meet and allow our eyes to speak
Knowing more then what our eyes can see
Patiently waiting to begin our destiny
This is where my soul will lead
Letting go of the thoughts of your physique
So that I can see through
Wanting to explore
Deep into the truth
Knowing that you are because he already knew
That I was the rib to fit inside of you
No other will ever do
See we never had to choose
He never asked us to
He just wanted us to trust and believe
That I'm for you and you're for me
I'm just waiting for this to be
A sudden sigh
As I drift off to sleep
Dwelling in my unconscious mind
I dream of you sometimes…

-kendall

i dreamed about her all night.

ffffound

i met her in a kitchen, she was visiting a friend of mine. my sunny california.
they had been friends since they were 6 and were both far from home. i often think about destiny, if it even matters.
things that happens happens, we meet the people we meet.
and i met her that evening.

a few hours later we were getting ready for a night out on the town. we were almost 10 people who were going out and she was one of them.

there were no delayed glances, no glitter or fireworks. i dont know if i even looked at her during the evening.
we took the train to town and she ended up sitting next to me.
' i heard you just broke up with your girlfriend, so you are into girls? ' she asked.
i nervously started to separate my curls with my fingers.
she held my arm when we were walking to the club, danced beside me, sat beside me on the way home.
i didn't really think of it so much.

03.00 in the morning. I hear her steps in the corridor, she just wanted to say good night. her smile lights up the corridor.

12.00, she knocks on the door. wants me to join for breakfast.
she eats noodles in a cup and it makes me laugh, she wears knitted clothes and curls up in the sofa. she listens and answers, i smile and laugh.
her eyes is like burned almond, her skin is like whipped cream. when she speaks it's like vanilla for my ears, strawberries for my tongue.
i dreamed about her all night.

16.30 the day after she takes the flight back to manchester. we didn't even say goodbye.
' that just means that you have to visit me in california soon ' she says.
i set my clock to london-time and wonders if this is how it should feel.

-k

trapped inside my brain

weheartit

I have never tasted love.

I have never been blessed with the true feeling of love. I've always felt like an outcast in that way. Placed beside the world of loving individuals. Like it's not meant for me. You see, I'm a dreamer. And in my dreams I'm head over hills in love and it's mutual. Unfortunately, this makes me an observer. I observe everything and everyone around me, and the importance of my own actions fails. It's like I'm trapped inside my brain and completely unable to... do life. I think I'm in love with the thought of being in love, how cliché it may sound. And I don't want to wait forever. Maybe I'm just gonna have to accept it. Maybe there is this insignificant number of all the billion people on earth, who just aren't supposed to fall in love...

/L

♥ puppy

but you always wake up.

coupdegrace

On the morning I woke up and didn't crumble back into my bed, consumed with the overwhelming need to cry until I fell back asleep, I flirted with the idea that maybe I had gotten over him. That there was a small chance I had concluded one phase of grieving and moved on to the next; a more subtle type of pain that was numbing in his absence.

When he stopped showing up in my dreams, relief that I was no longer plagued by him and sadness that he was gone filled my heart and took up residence as a pseudo replacement - if he couldn't be around then at least I had this fabricated dichotomy to placate me.

A week before his car collided head on with a truck, a message was sent to him in sarcasm, masking (displaying) hurt and annoyance at his slacking communication. A week plus one day later, when I received the phone call, the only regret I can lay claim to in life was sending that message. Famous last words.

Of course, in death - as he always did in life, in the life I knew of him as my friend - he appeared again in sleep. This time reassuring me that everything was okay. In another, I received the same call - he had died all over again, and the hysteria seeped back in.

In the best one, he was standing in front of me - stunned and unbelieving of what I was seeing - that same disarming grin worn proudly on his face; look at me, I'm alive. And he was.

But you always wake up.

-S

you lost me.

~nuozek

The last night i spent with you, i laid in your bed huddled next to you, desperate for warmth. Not from the room, or the temperature, but from the body laying next to me already fast asleep as if nothing in the world was troubling them. I, on the other hand, stared wide eyed into the foggy bedroom, watching the fan blades spin around and around in one motion over and over. Just like us. A repeat. I felt the silence, i felt the space between us - it felt like a house was wedged between us even though essentially all but two or three inches separated us. That was the last night i spent with you, next to you, a part of you.

The next morning something set you off. Something stupid, something that was never worth the fight and that's when the real you started seeping out. The anger, the refusal to communicate, the distance, everything I hated about you that turned the one i love into something so ugly. You told me it was over and I couldn't believe it. Wait, yes i could. Because secretly i had been trying to work up the nerve to leave you. Unfortunately you beat me to it, you had never been on to try to make it work and that's where you fooled me.

Rewind back to seven months ago when I received that message from you that brought all my hard work and progress crumbling to pieces. You had me pinned in this exact situation before. After three years of love you gave up on us, and now after a year of me gaining strength, of FINALLY getting over you...you want me back. I had consecutive dreams where you would return to me, and strong like a soldier i would turn you away in the coldest way possible, just like you had been to me. But in real life the story was incredibly different. I fell for that boy all over again. My mistake, as i would later learn. You lured me in with a new attitude, a new person, with words that convinced me you would try this time around and that you really cared. Jokes on me i suppose. It lasted for a few weeks, but your facade began to deteriorate ever so subtly until finally I was stuck in a loveless relationship. I would oogle at the couples out in public, the ones that couldn't get enough of each other, the ones that didn't care what other people though, the ones who were just mad about eachother and i'd compare it to our meaningless love. You wanted so much space, too much space. We were ten minutes apart yet i'd see you only a few days out of the week and hear form you once a day. You never did anything nice for me, never went out of your way to say you loved me, nothing. But yet i stood by you, i took this, and i thought maybe if i were different, you would love me.

You see, i was different. It was you that was never different. So you left me again, and i begged, but only because i don't give up. You do. You are weak, and you can look at the girl who stands before you with tears running freely asking for something out of you, anything at all, and laugh, but at least i know how to love and that is something you will never know. So here i go. I'm letting go completely this time. I'm growing without you. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. It'll be harder than before but easier in the long run. I deserve better than you. I am better than you. And i will build myself up, i will fall in love with myself, so that next time you come around I'm strong enough to not make the same mistake twice.

You lost something amazing. You lost me.

-K

♥

weheartit

i can't

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i can't. i can't i can't i can't.
i can't do this anymore. its going to kill me. i just can't. i need to move on.
but.
i can't stop loving him. i can't and i need to because its the worst thing ever.
i can't because thinking of everything that happened literally makes me sick to my stomach.
i can't because he's the only one i ever think about.
he's the one i don't want to think about, but i cannot stop.
i can't because i never got to kiss him, i never felt his breath between my lips.
i can't because i spend my days fantasizing about him surprising me,
showing up on my doorstep, telling me he made a mistake.
i can't because i see her everyday.
i see her and i think of what they used to have and i agonize over whether he chose her.
i can't because i don't even know if he chose her.
i don't even know because he is so confusing and frustrating
and he makes everything so unclear.
i can't because he might still have feelings for me.
there is that sliver of a chance and while i know its probably not true,
it makes it impossible to let go.
i can't because i think about being in his arms every second.
the hairs of his beard brushing my cheek gently.
the feeling of his warmth beneath my fingers.
i can't because the way our fingers intertwined was perfect.
it felt warm and soft and right.
i can't because he understood me.
he just got me, right from the start.
and i don't find that often. not often at all.
i can't because we would be perfect together.
i know we would. and it's too hard for me to give up on that.
i can't because EVERYTHING makes me think of him.
crayons. tattoos. band tees. school buses. nose rings.
and every time i see them im completely overwhelmed.
i can't because i practically start crying in the middle of the gym when a song comes on that makes me think of him. which is a lot of songs.
i can't because i've tried and it doesn't work. i want to stop so much.
its just not going to happen.
i can't because i don't see other guys. i don't even see them as being guys.
its like they don't exist to me now.
i can;t because i imagined our insane, amazing, beautiful future and it's all i want.
i thought it was really going to happen and now the pain is eating me up.
i can't because i want him more than i've ever wanted anything in my life.

i can't breathe. i can't focus. i can't be without him. i can't go the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like.

i just can't.