Wednesday, December 16, 2009

i can't


i can't. i can't i can't i can't.
i can't do this anymore. its going to kill me. i just can't. i need to move on.
i can't stop loving him. i can't and i need to because its the worst thing ever.
i can't because thinking of everything that happened literally makes me sick to my stomach.
i can't because he's the only one i ever think about.
he's the one i don't want to think about, but i cannot stop.
i can't because i never got to kiss him, i never felt his breath between my lips.
i can't because i spend my days fantasizing about him surprising me,
showing up on my doorstep, telling me he made a mistake.
i can't because i see her everyday.
i see her and i think of what they used to have and i agonize over whether he chose her.
i can't because i don't even know if he chose her.
i don't even know because he is so confusing and frustrating
and he makes everything so unclear.
i can't because he might still have feelings for me.
there is that sliver of a chance and while i know its probably not true,
it makes it impossible to let go.
i can't because i think about being in his arms every second.
the hairs of his beard brushing my cheek gently.
the feeling of his warmth beneath my fingers.
i can't because the way our fingers intertwined was perfect.
it felt warm and soft and right.
i can't because he understood me.
he just got me, right from the start.
and i don't find that often. not often at all.
i can't because we would be perfect together.
i know we would. and it's too hard for me to give up on that.
i can't because EVERYTHING makes me think of him.
crayons. tattoos. band tees. school buses. nose rings.
and every time i see them im completely overwhelmed.
i can't because i practically start crying in the middle of the gym when a song comes on that makes me think of him. which is a lot of songs.
i can't because i've tried and it doesn't work. i want to stop so much.
its just not going to happen.
i can't because i don't see other guys. i don't even see them as being guys.
its like they don't exist to me now.
i can;t because i imagined our insane, amazing, beautiful future and it's all i want.
i thought it was really going to happen and now the pain is eating me up.
i can't because i want him more than i've ever wanted anything in my life.

i can't breathe. i can't focus. i can't be without him. i can't go the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like.

i just can't.


  1. I can feel her pain. I´m in a similar situation myself right now. It really kills you and makes you feel unable to do, think or forget anything.

  2. oh God, im here too... but we can. we have to. or well die.

    GetPopped at

  3. very well written! i love it very much!! :)
    the pain... ah! :'( my situation is similiar, i love him because he's so weird, and him leaving to europe made everything die... we want more and more what we can't have, and what didn't happened

  4. The only thing holding you back from moving on is yourself, I understand your pain, but what you imagine in your mind as being the "perfect relationship" is never going to happen. You cant live your life based on the hope that someone else is going to come through for you. You will always be miserable if you let another control your happiness. He is the only guy you can see right now. But trust me, if you keep your heart and mind open one day you will meet a guy and suddenly all those feelings you thought you'd never find in another human being will flood back to you. And you will be happy you moved on, because there are greater things in life to see, and feel.

  5. I was sort of in the same situation but this boy was no good but because he was my first guy i thought liked me, didnt, but yet I cant get him off my mind even for all the wrong doings that he did to me. I still think of him. Im trying and slowly moving on. Yes it takes time and it will happen. How long its taking is killing me inside. But whatever better will come. I just have to be patient and wait even tho it seems like forever and an eternity. Thanks for this by the way its beautiful and amazing. in a way it helps.=]

  6. Wow, I read this and for some reason found it to be comforting. I'm not alone.


  7. i'm in the same situation. I can't sleep, can't breath, can't eat. You never know when you are going to burst into tears. I guess this is how you feel when your heart breaks..

  8. I always come back to this situation. I think I'm doing ok and on my way to moving on and then something triggers inside me that makes me regress and I become hopeless again. Even through all this, I know I'm at a better place than I was months ago and it's been 2 years of this teeter-totter. Time will make it better, even though it seems like it always takes its time. Believe that you can...good luck!

  9. People will tell you that you should move on. People will tell you its not worth it, that it takes time but you will get over it, that what you imagine can never happen because what you imagine is too idealized.

    Maybe it is right for them, but me, I choose, like you, to live my life taking that chance to believe that this guy is worth it, this guy is amazing, this guy is everything, everything my life is about.

    I'm waiting too. All I can say to you, is I feel your pain oh so much, and I am waiting with you also.

  10. it seems to me that u have put down my fucking thoughts :(

    the feeling of being totally helpless just because you cannot let go...


  11. a lot many of us are going to associate with this emotion, ver very well written.

  12. i am going through the same situation right now! it's terrible..i feel your pain :(

  13. guess we're in the same boat. i can't stop thinking about all the "what could have been" with him. :(

  14. you can't. until one day you'll wake up and realize you did. the feeling of 'well, what if..' or 'if its meant to be..' or 'why do i keep running into him, it MUST be a sign' will slowly fade, and you'll find it ok to open your heart to yourself again and maybe even sooner than you'd imagine, someone else. you can't until one day you will. but the key is to not force this to happen.. if you need a month, a year, 5 years even [& i speak from that experience] - give it to yourself.. because you owe yourself that, time to heal and time to feel EVERYTHING, so you may move forward, completely. & when you have those thoughts of him from that song or the lip ring or the cafe, etc.. you won't want to cry anymore. trust me, it will happen. be patient.

    good time.

  15. i feel the exact same way. thank you.

  16. it would be a lie to say you'll come over him, eventually perhaps, but it takes time, trust me. i'm still deeply inlove with a person who doesn't share the same feelings for me, but my love for him is slowly dying. ofcourse i still hope, hope that he someday love me back, but i've been hoping too long that it caused too much damage to my life and suroundings that i've slowly come to realize that he isn't worth it. i believe that i'll continue love him, and somedays even hate him for what he has done, and that i won't find a guy like him again but that someone similiar will appear and steal my heart away and fall inlove with me and make me feel those butterflies again. then i'll remember my first love as a beginning to something and as a learnful experience. i've floated away from the subject i think, got a bit carried away, but what i'm trying to say is, never stop believing, remember him as something in your past and move on. he's not the only wonderful guy in the world, even though it seems like it.

  17. YOU CAN! Trust me! It's possible

  18. moving on and falling out of love are the hardest things a human can do.

  19. oh my god, i'm living ur life. I'm getting insane, i cant stop thinking about him and i keep creating fantasies and expecting him to show up, i know there's something in the air but i just dont know if he feels the same way.. sometimes i want to steal him a kiss, sometimes i try to forget but them i remember that i cant remember him, oh fuck!

  20. A year ago, I shared your pain. we were on the threshold of perfection and then it all went to hell. She said she was chickensh*t and she couldn't do it - after everything she just couldn't take that final step and so instead, went back to her straight lover. It felt like death. Now a zodiac has swung around and it has made a world of difference. we are cautiously back in touch and are almost friends. We have both grieved the loss - moved past the pain. I wish you every blessing in your journey but first I say this: sit with your pain a while. True love - the joy and heartbreak of it - deserves our tears before we start again.

  21. Man, the emotion is powerful with this piece. My heart goes out to her. No one should have to make that kind of choice.

  22. YOU CAN.

    I did. I thought I couldn't. I cried and had to drop my subjects that semester and listened to depressing music and didn't eat and thought only of him, him, him. When you're in that fog, you can't see your way out.

    But it passes, bad weather can't last forever. I never think of him at all any more. And when I do I can't believe that I felt that way for him. You deserve someone that doesn't make you feel like this! The object of your affection should make you feel like you're in a fairytale, not like you're, I don't know, in some depressing indie flick!

    I did, and you can too. You can.

  23. to be honest i've been going through a not wanting to read sad things phase lately so I almost didn't read this. then i realized that i've been at every point of this, and wow. i understand more of this than i'd like to admit. i'm so sorry that she's there now. but it does pass. as much as it hurts, and as consuming as it is, it passes.
    it'll start to fade. and you might start to miss it. but you have to resist the urge to see him. and it'll fade again. and one day with out even thinking about it, you;ll wake up and realize it's just gone.

    i promise it will fade.
    goodluck. LMA

    never forget that you deserve to be loved as much as you love.

  24. I have been in this situation for 6 years now; I'm in love with one of my best friends, we have never ever kissed, even tough the whole world thinks that we have a secret affair, because it is always weird between us. after 2 years I toold him, and he said he couldn't make that plunge, because he was too afraid of loosing yet another friend. It hurt like hell, but I finally managed to let go a bit, live, had a 2 years steady boyfriend and all. But it always goes back to the same thing - him. and it hurts so much, and makes you feel so frustrated, because everytime he shows signs of any kind of feeling, all of your hopes that were deep down buried in you just pop out and you get soooooooo soo happy day dreaming, but then so scared of getting back to that indecision, that sexual tension that never goes away - and you feel again the urge to talk to him all the time. and this hope, god, how I am afraid of it/ and now it is. But i've made up my mind, and i'll talk to him. if he does not wnat me, i'm sorry, but we all deserve someone who REALLY wants to be with you. and it hurts me so, cuz it is so possible that he wil say no - and i'll have to deliberately cut a friend - one of my closest friends, - from my life. I guess you can't go further then the ground, and well, i can't spend another 6 years waiting for someone who will ( i am pretty sure) never come for me..... the art of losing isn't hard to master ( beautiful poem, I suggest you all read it)

  25. i know that my words doeasn't sount a shit. and there has been so many comment on this post. i just want to say that i completely, honestliy, know how it feel. you wrote down words couldn't write.
    i can't either.

  26. Keep fight, forget the risk and take the fall, if it's what you want, then it's worth it all.

  27. I hope she's gonna be okay soon, time does heal :)

  28. I really want to believe that time does heal. Your story was universal and very beautifully written.

  29. That story's so me it's heartbreaking.
    I'll probably love him forever. And he did kiss me, but afterwards he said it didn't mean anything, he just wanted to know what it felt like...

  30. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!

    But still, you have to allow yourself to move on, life is too short to be in pain all the time.

  31. I know how it feels because i'm in the same situation. It feels like the whole sitatuation is killing me, no one knows. The worst part is we were so close until I forgot about him..

  32. it is like you were inside my head writing everything that i'm feeling. it helps a lot to know that i'm not alone (i read other comments also who are in the same situation) and the best advice ive found is to give yourself time,
    but try your best not to dwell on it. try your best to not drop everything (i left school because i couldnt handle it), and if you did drop everything, to pick some of these things back up, slowly. it will help take your mind off things.
    if this is meant to be, it will happen. whether its tomorrow, or a year from now, we can't know. but in the meantime don't waste your life wallowing because no matter how you spend your days, whats meant to be will work out anyway, whether it be with him or not.

    we all need those times to let everything out and be sad but dont spend long like that, nothing good ever came out of being miserable and it wont change anyhting.

    much love.

  33. beautiful, i can't believe that text just made me cry.

  34. oh so many sentences are exactly how I feel

    I totally understans why you can't let go :(

  35. My thoughts exactly on the last boy I tripped head over shoulders for. I feel stupid but it's just those types of feeling where you could feel that it could have worked out so well, but something did not let it happen. Disappointment. I would see him at school, but never talked. That awkwardness, per se. But he would talk to me off campus-the club. Full of frustration, I found myself attending the same club he goes to every week just to see his beautiful face, but that was nothing but mere torture for myself. I was torturing myself...

  36. This hits home... it made me cry just reading it.

  37. I fell the same way sitting in tears right now..wondering when it ever will stop hurting! Not a single day passes without him coming to my mind. Looking back at what we had I relize it was bad both volume 1,2 and 3. But for some reason I will never stop loving him.. just want the pain to go away.. the aching of lonliness in my body and the hunger for him for love.

  38. i've been in the same situation for over a year now..

  39. it can happen with everyone, it's happen with me right now and I still don't know what I can do x.x

  40. That story is soo..crushing. I just have no words. I love it soo much.
    Something like that happened too me too, but.. not that dramatic and He wasn't wiht anybody. I just got rejected.

  41. Wow. I’d love to say I can’t relate, but I can. This post sums up how I feel right now entirely. I’m clinging on to what never was and it’s agonizing. He consumes my thoughts ( & also my blog lately). It seems never-ending. I can only hope that with time it will get better.

  42. i have been in this situation for five years now. its the worst and I just can't do it. but reading this made me realize.


    your true love wants you forever. and if he doesnt want you, he's not your true love.

    Never forget that.

    But it doesn't mean that it don't fucking hurt.

    five years of my life im never getting back.

    im free.

  43. sneakers shoes
    Nike Tn
    he was interrupted,
    discount nike shoes
    nike shox r4
    tn dollar
    He replied, " are right! I haven't been looking for anyone for the past years."
    With that, the man darted across the floor and out the door,
    cheap nike shoes
    All along he has found his girl.
    nike tennis shoes That was why he did not bother to look further when he realized she was not coming back. It was not any specific girl he was seeking!
    cheap nike shoxIt was perfection that he wanted, and yes.....perfection!!
    Relationship is something both parties should work on. Realizing that he had let away someone so important in his life, he decided to call her immediately. His whole mind was flooded with fear.
    free shipping shoes He was afraid that she might have found someone new or no longer had the same feelings anymore..... For once,
    Paypal Credit card Accepthe felt the fear of losing someone.
    nike shoes
    nike discount shoes
    ,cheap puma shoes
    nike shox shoes
    chaussures nikeHow he damned the Gods...!!
    nike free shoes How he hated himself....for taking so long to realize his mistake!! That was in 1996.
    buy shoes onlineYou may painfully regret, only to realise that it is too late.

  44. Oh my God. I could have written those words. I promise.

    But now. I don't feel that way. At all.

    You know what I did? I had sex with him.

    I didn't think I ever would get over him. 'Cause he and I would have been perfect. I just knew it. And he could still have feelings for me. Why would I ever let him go? I cried. So many times. Too many times. He didn't even answer me in the end.

    But. At one party he couldn't resist me. We hadn't seen each other for several months and I was like obsessed the whole evening. And then. When we started talking. I cried. And he went away.

    Then later. We talked more. I was funny. He was funny. We started to touch each other. Finally I got to kiss him. And then, when we came to my place. We made love. And I loved it.

    The next morning he went away. Just like that. And I havn't heard from him since. And I'm not obsessed anymore. Not at all.

    Yes. Maybe we are the perfect couple. I still think that we might be. But if he doesn't show that he want me, then maybe he don't. And now that I've had him, really had him, that doesn't hurt. Not anymore.

    And I'm feeling stronger than ever.

    So if you ever get the chance. You know what to do. ;)

  45. this gave me goosebumps.
    you'll move on.
    give yourself time.
    every single person will eventually go through this. even the person you broke your heart will have his heart broken soon enough.

  46. listen to the song 'fucker' by eels. it won't make anything any easier. but the sassy ending helps a little bit. i'm in the same position. the girl my love ended up with is someone i have to see everyday. it hurts. and it makes it worse when they beg. i wish he would stop begging

  47. ahhhhh exactly!! it sucks. it totally sucks.

  48. please help me. everything ypu wrote, THAT is how i'm feeling. although i don't accept me and no one knows (really NO ONE), i am in love of someone (lets name him J) who hanged out (few times) with a schoolmate of mine. when i was little i LOVED HIM, then i stopped and the feeling came back in this last year. i think we have a connexion. at least we had. people used to make jokes as we had to be together but nothing happened. i dont know if it's me, who never told him anything nor try to start a relationship, or it's him, who isn't that into me. but i can't start the iniciative. i'm too shy. please help me.
    thanks for writing what you write

  49. I see alot of women posting here.
    Why cant us men feel this way.
    I'm completely broken hearted.
    My true love slipped away.
    I write and write and the pages fill quickly. It does help but not for long.
    I feel this pain just as many of you women do. It hurts and I'm not ashamed to say Ive cried through many of song.
    I miss that feeling of belonging. and I dont want to belove she's really gone

  50. wauw amazing
    this is exactly the way i feel :O
    i can't let go
    i want to kiss him
    i don't want him to leave my life
    i want him here with me
    it eats me up from the inside out..

  51. feeling the EXACT same thing right this moment..

  52. i find myself exactly in this position, cant sleep, cant eat, find it difficult to breathe, its like he crept up inside of me. and consumed my heart and soul with his. and to forget him is to purge his very existence, but how can you forget someone when their existence means, meant so much. its hard to forget and let go when your heart still wants to love. and no matter how hard you try to push them away. their there. still in your heart, mind & soul.

  53. A text has never been so truth to me.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...